Just keep moving just keep moving

Dear Diary,

 

I woke up sorta early but got up and out of bed slowly. I've got a long one at work today. I'll be off in a few minutes. I've found a new way to make my procrastinating super efficient with a new android app called readability. This means I'll have a chance to make my job searching a little bit more streamlined having more refined procrastination tasks. I'm taking about 35+ articles that i've downloaded to my phone from newspapers, blogs, online magazines and such that I'll read. Everything from feminism to teleosemantics. I also have a couple of books that I can set myself to read. I'll have no shortage of things to do at work, that is for sure. I'll probably lose attention after a while and then start talking to colleagues. The cute blonde swedish girl is leaving soon to do her doctorate in anthropology. Good for her :) I didn't have a chance to work with her much actually.

I used to write on tihs blog to pour my heart out with sorrows and woes and hope that after all the metaphorical poring and not so metaphorical crying I would actually get on with my life. Now I'm just getting on. I'm going to be 26 soon. I'm a bit sad about that. Growing up and aging doesn't seem to be as cool. Having kids has its moderate joy I suppose. I don't know what I have to aspire to. My book review came out, I showed it to Antonia and she's all gushing about me. Life seems quite dull at the moment. The small things give me joy, but the big things don't offer me any prospects.

I think the most joyous mement I had this week was either doing the weights yesterday, or having such a big laugh at badminton. I think I've been busy lately. I applied to 4 jobs yesterday and 4 between monday and tuesday. Now off to get ready for work.

!!!

Dear diary,

 

Things are eating away at me. The media talk of a lost generation. It's apt. I hate the fact that I'm applying for jobs to people who are younger than me. I have essentially no work experience and my chances of ever getting up the career ladder are significantly destroyed with each month that passes that I don't get a job. I'M FUCKING TRYING SO HARD

Dear Diary,

I woke up early. I've applied to 2 jobs, I'm going out to get some new earphones and maybe shop around a bit. In addition I am taking a break from my tasks. I need to vary it a bit before I can get back (that's my excuse anyway). I do quite need a new and decent pair of earphones. Off I go. just keep moving, like that fishy said in nemo...

My dad is in poor health and he won't listen to any advice. It's eating away at me and its' really fucking with my head. I don't want him to die, I'm so angry at how lazy he is. I hate that some thign happend that makes my sister not talk to him. I hate how toxic he is to the family. He's making me depressed.

We did start the fire

There is something patently sobering about the degree of irrationality of collective agents. For the past few weeks since the UK Governments public budget announcement, there has been a lot of media attention on a taxation increase on hot food. The attractive name for this is the pasty tax. I thought it particularly odd how this issue gains so much attention while basic commodities like international cotton prices, the scarity of rare metals or the Eurozone crisis cannot get as much public attention.

It's one thing to cynically complain about this, it's another to understand that the fact that this issue has so much attention is the responsibility, and fault of the demos itself. It's absurd to ever question, by public sensibility the fact that say, Hitler was a bad man, but when it comes to the contemporamous European reception of the German Chancellor between say, 1929 to 1933, there is no putative sense of culpability for the audience in the Berlin olympics who raised a Nazi style salute. Why won't we ever blame the audience for being wrong?

'Feelin' the same way' reminds me of going into a tescos in 2004/2005 filled with tears and a sense of inadequacy. Sings give me vivid memories, I'm feeling a bit teary myself right now.

Norah jones reminds me of sadness

Dear Diary,

 

Hello. I got up late. I was up late, I also slept yesterday afternoon. I have quite a penchant for siestas. I think there's no chance for one of those today. The sun makes me lazy, physically speaking. I'm preparing my second job application. I am listening to music that I want to listen to, rather than a pre-defined musical setlist (which currently includes the ting tings, some Riot Grrrl (sic) and Frank Zappa). I'm listening to my heart at the moment, and no that doesn't mean I'm listening to Roxette. I'm listening to Norah Jones at the moment, I've told you in the past how Norah Jones reminds me of my first period of depression. It was a summer like this, in terms of the weather at least. My hair was probably similar length. There is something that seems so dark and murky about the early 2000s, but yet, it becomes clearer  to me as I revisit those memories with different eyes.

 

I have badminton later on today, I may go for dinner with the guys afterwards. Now, on with that application...

The minimum standard

Dear Diary,

 

Went to community group meeting. Applied to 2 jobs, did a bit of job searching. Went to the gym. This would count as a good day. I had a trigger, got upset, lay in bed, fell asleep.

If I did as good as today that would be great, if I did better, that would be even more of an achievement. The old me would call this the minimum standard...

I'm warming down by reading some comics, and listening to the Ting Tings, they aren't too bad, they remind me of the past even though their music is new to me. Don't ask why.

Dear Diary,

 

Why do I start with that 'Dear Diary' bullshit? I'm so obsessed with formality that I need proxies and ritual to get into my head.

It's 2am. I had a bit of vodka with my mate as he visited. I had a haircut. I have mixed feelings. I am toying with the idea of having short hair, but getting my hair cut increasingly shorter also reminds me of how much I hate my hair this short. I missed the GP appointment. No good excuse for that. I managed to catch up with non-vital tasks, while shedding other regular tasks. I'm trying to optimise my schedule as I realise how cluttered it is.

 

Right now I'm cramming on all the blogs I follow: feminism, computer gaming, technology news, job applications and job search advice.

Honestly: I feel that I've lost hope. I've given up on myself, my life and I'm coasting, dragging, sinking.

I don't have anyone to talk to and it's all fucking up.I think I might need to start on the antidepresants again. I wish I had someone to email. I probably do, but I'll need to think about who.

I'll get back to you. It's 2am and I'm reading about 20 articles at once.

foursquare interrupted my post

Dear Diary,

 

Since about Tuesday, it has suddenly become humid. I haven't been out of the house much since the stag party, and all I've done is go to the local gym in terms of leaving the house. I'm off work for a while. I've been trying to really push myself in terms of getting more active. I need to be more single minded about getting a job. I absolutely must be more single minded.

 

I've run out of time to talk. I should have said more, I'll be back later (off to hair cut)

dear diary

yesterday went okay. i did a bit more than i expected. I woke up today and made some lunch. I caught up on some tv as well. I woke up late, I'll need to think more about what to have for dinner. I'm off to badminton later. I feel almost as if the day will not go productively. I had a bit of an upset moment. I'm getting more of those lately. I'm sort of glad I got stuff done yesterday. Still more to do. Always more to do, always disappointed.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

dear diary,

 

i'm so fucking angry. why haven't i gotten any interviews lately? why hasn't ANYONE gotten back to me?

I'm so fucking tempted to purge right now. being alone in the house is also dangerously risky.

Stag party of dreams and a little bit of decadence

Dear Diary,

 

I am home from a stag party. Maybe I'll tell the story backwards.

Friday

The evening involved working, it was a big event, a corporate client that a friend of mine works for actually. In addition, I finished slightly early so I got home nicely with more time to warm down. I had been excited about this weekend for a while now. On reflection, it lived up to and exceeded my hopes. Just a perfect, stunning, amazing series of events. I went to sleep and I can't even remember if i jacked off that night. I was pretty tired but I also stayed up late.

Saturday

I was so excited that I got up and left an hour earlier to Brighton. I then walked around for a bit before catching a few of the guys. I didn't know many of them but I did enjoy getting to know them. We went go-Karting in Lancing and had a great time. I had some jason statham moves that day but also we lost pretty badly to everyone else. I still had fun, niggling issue with my cousin's husband. The guy has control issues but everyone is different and in small doses I like him. A whole day? That's a different matter.

So after go-karting and a bit of banter, we were in a hotel type situation. Great accomodation, the shower was infinitely refreshing and I also enjoyed the company of these guys. I was the youngest of the stag party and I think the only single one. I also flirted the least. I'm comfortable with that, well, mostly. We went to a nice pub/bar and played pool, watched the champions league final, then went to a club. I had a nice heart to heart with my brother in law and I do often find it hard to connect with him. I have to say that without my sister around he's a different guy. There were a lot of heart to heart moments between the guys, my cousin marrying my brothers' best friend is a powerful thing. My brother's friend (lets call him Albert), has been a dear family friend for a long time. In addition we've supported him through his father's ill health eventual passing and darker times. It's fair to say that we all love him very much. I saw Albert's uncles, my dad used to work in the same organisation as Albert's dad, before the cancer took him out of work. The uncles know my dad after my parents have been around for Albert's dad and mother. Albert's dad's death anniversary was on friday. I didn't really know the man, but my brother did and my dad also; his memory is beloved to all those who knew him well it seems.

Sunday

I got home late, but 'early' compared to the other guys. I went into a corner shop on my own after splitting with my brother who was also going home, so that I could get some junk food (I'm all about the fish and chips). I ended up eating haribo with crisps on my balls and then woke up a few hours later at 8am. I had a tea with a guy who I shared a room with and we had a good chat. In this weekend, my anxiety was not so bad, it was almost not present. I think not having to worry about money helped, I think also having a smart phone that can tell me if i'm lost how to get back also helped. Ithelped that I didn't take a jacket and I didn't pack my pockets. It helped that even though I packed light, I packed comprehensively.

I wanted to go for a walk, I did, I went on the waterfront and threw pebbles on my own. I enjoyed the solitary moment of quietude and reflection. There was something awfully romantic and inspired about being in Brighton, the bright sea air, the smell of cod and batter and the vast openness of an empty sky in front of you as you face the sea. Living in London makes my thinking closed, systematic and methodical, out there I could be free. All the technology and gadgets and frills of london for me seem just as a novelty of getting out of the drudgery of urban urbanity. There was something beautiful that almost brought me to tears about the place. Call me soppy.

I was playing a lot on my smartphone that weekend. I also got a message from Cute Redhead that I asked out a few weeks ago, she said she wasn't on okcupid much lately cos she's sick of the website, but she's interested in doing stuff with me. After my solitary walk, I had to meet up with the guys again to get a smoothie, I got a mistaken reading from the google maps app and I also was covered in sweat as I ventured up a massive hill, I finally got my cod fix at Harry Ramsdens (omg so good) and then we had a proper lunch altogether, with Albert's uncles and my uncles. My parents are away and that's why my dad didn't make it.

My brother was kind enough to let me go home in his car, we stopped off at his friend's house (who was with us at the weekend). I got home and I had a bit of an emotional come down. I guess you could call it an emotional hangover. I felt a bit sad after such fun times and the big rush of being friendly with new people and doing things together then faded as I realised I had to get back to my real life. Not even the fact that I'm alone for a week kept the buzz. So I then went to sleep for about 3-4 hours and it was 11pm when I woke. The feeling of waking up at night is a little depressing and a little bit lonely.

Monday

So I'm back to reality. I've got a book review to finish. I've got to send off my shifts for June. I've got to apply to jobs, I've got to get a job, I've got to get a life.

One step at a time. Being around those guys and having something to smile about does give me a vital pick-me-up.

 

Onwards

It's one thing to make a habit, its another to break one (listening to Frank Zappa)

Dear Diary,

I haven't been myself for a few days. I've been ill. Tonsil issues, head issues, fatigue issues. But I still go on. I'll summarise the things going on:

1. I transferred vital data from my old phone to my google account, this means I'll never hopefully have to do that again, now that its on the gloud
2. I did 4 fitness sessions this week. Nothing beats you down like fatigue from pushign your body through hell
3. Anxiety issues have come up again
4. I went to work on thursday, after 2 hours sleep last night. As such, I was totally beat by the time I got home. I woke up around 7pm and I've been awake since
5. Not sure if mentioned but I've recieved a pay rise

I am really disorganised and I really need to sort out a new way of coping with my tasks. I've decided to cull some of my repetition tasks, I've decided to seriously close in on my job searching, and cut out the stuff that simply isn't needed. It's a bit of a hard decision as many of the job boards that I have searched on a regular basis are things which I've established for a long time. It's one thing to make a habit, its another to break one.

I'm trying to get into a proper diet again, even though I'm keeping fit, I'm not eating fit. As such I'm taking diet a bit more seriously again and trying to avoid 'straying' with junk food and such. I've gotten a bit of confidence from doing the gym so many days this week. Today (friday) is the last day this week in which I could do any training, but I'm also working. Maybe better to preserve myself. Im thinking about doing another phd application as well.

one more thing (sorry!): looking at my semi naked body after manscaping earlier, I see there's a difference between my hips and my waist. I need to keep up the gym and I'll see even more of adifference.

One more thing: I spent 7 straight hours staring hard at computer screens and not once have I jacked off in that period of time.

Something's wrong with me.

one broke guy

Dear Diary,

 

My head is giving me trouble today. I feel dizzy and my head has this throbbing pain whenever I turn it. Also my heart is beating really fast.

 

I did badminton today, I had to go slow because I felt unwell, I still did what I could. For the past 3 hours I have been entering phone numbers into Google to put into my android phone. This is taking ages.

It's kind of depressing that many of these people on my phone list, including my uncle, a family friend and my former piano teacher, are now dead. I've kept some of their details as a way of preserving their memory.

I still have many more to finish before I'm done. This is a little annoying and niggling task, but what it represents is significant.

When I got my crappy windows phone in 2009, I thought it was the start of a new life as I still believed I could still do a PhD. I entered the data as part of a vision to get everything electronic and advanced, then the windows phone broke down and stopped syncing with the computer for some unknown reason, and my ideal of a perfectly synced, controlled and unified system of knowledge broke down.

 

That sounds like an oddly specific thing, but an idea of a unified system of knowledge is part of what my PhD proposal was about. Also, I learned that everything is unreliable from that point onwards. My life was a moral of disappointment upon empty promise. Whether its the job centre who said they would help me, to the recruitment consultants, to the interview panel who thought I was a good candidate.

Having this organised system is small change for a big debt. I'm really fucking pissed off at my life. I'm currently watching 2 broke girls, and it seems like a parable for the present day: the failure of aspiration in the background of hipsters, cultural references that mostly hipsters would get, and the overarching politicisation of the personal.

My heart may be palpitating and my head may be foggy and throbbing with some unknown pain, but its society that makes me sick.

Dear Diary,

 

I've actually applied to 5 jobs today. I think I'll celebrate by abusing my body at the gym.

I should be proud. Instead I'll be busy instead.

Will be back later.

Dear Diary,

I got a slight pay rise, not really sure what to think of that. I didn't do that many hours this month, so as tescos say, every little helps. I did something very stupid last night and I took an antidepressant that I found in my drawer. I thought it would make me sleepy, on reflection: it did!

Now on with my day. My fingers feel slow, it's raining. Perhaps I should be assured that everything is as it has been.

I have a stag party this weekend, that will be fun.

Thunder in paradise

Dear Diary,

 

I had a trigger earlier. Its left me a little bit. I've done a little bit to catch up on my schedule. I've gotten a new android phone which I hope will make me more efficient. I really like how sophisticated phones are these days. There's a distinct sense in which I've been left out in recent years by not having a smartphone, I wasn't really bothered, but now that phones are so high tech I think it is something that might help me. Over the years I've been using things that havetried to help me. The support staff at university gave me a pdf in 2008 which was the most advanced shit at the time, by iphone's standards and such its a dinosaur. I think that the smartphone will integrate all ofthe rituals that I already hold to in a way that will unify them all. I've been going in this direction anyway. I really like the apps, signing into foursquare and that kind of thing.

I think I found my neighbours on okcupid, that's really fucking disturbing by the way.GPS is scary. I sent off a job application, entered my records and tried to catch up on my week. There's certainly plenty to do, but I feel like I've caught up, eaten a nice amount and endured. Enduring is really the way I try to go. I need to do more than survive and endure. I need to thrive. Really need to show some motivation, some initiative, some dedication and some spine.

Job market is no longer a valid excuse at this stage. Every day that goes on is my fault.

From time to time I have throat issues. It's the consequence of what I chose to do to myself.

 

I really want to purge right now. I don't care about any of the consequences. I just want the relief. That's how I feel at the moment. I'm so fucking upset inside. I'm so fucking disappointed.

may your disgraces be private

dear diary,

 

I think I was well behaved today. There is a phrase that I remember from the simpsons, that Mayor quimby says to his nephew: may your personal disgraces be private. That's kind of how I feel today. I went to see a gig, it was pretty good. I met up with my mate, and met his friends, I was silent for a bit of it but I enjoyed the evening. I then did an exceptionally long session at the gym, I racked up some points on fitocracy. I pushed it hard today. I had a single of johnny walker black label. I have to say, I quite like it. Christopher Hitchens knew his booze well.

 

I'm kinda feeling a bit shit that my mates are all doing well in their lives and I'm stuck at base camp. I'm jeremy from peep show and I really fucking hate it. I'm carrying a lot of resentment. I'm carrying lots of feelings of entitlement and I'm not happy with that. I'm hiding it through a veneer of magnanimity. They went through their lives in their own way, and I've done it my way. I'm not feeling so great. I'm hiding it behind a solitary smile. Tomorrow is a work day, so I'll have to stop thinking and just sleep. Tomorrow is another day.I don't like this part of myself. I'm not showing it, but I'm feeling it as I express it through words.

Maybe it will be better.

Chloramphenicol in my eye

Dear Diary

 

I went to A&E, I had a scratch on my cornea and I've been given ointment to apply to it.I'm trying to apply it every 3 hours. It's the most bizarre thing I've ever had to do to myself for health. I hate touching my eyes, but it actually isn't as bad as putting in the RGP all those years ago. I also applied to a job for social media. After A&E I went to the gym for a body balance class, it was nice. There is one intimidatingly flexible and cute woman there who makes all of us, including the instructor, feel inferior, with her amazing flexibility, or maybe just my own.

 

There came a point at the end of the class (I didn't know it was the end) when my knee gave in and I just had to sit down. I found the class exceptionally difficult today more than most weeks. Perhaps because of the psychological feeling of being 'weak' after being injured in the face from Badminton. I have been thinking about that girl Chelsea a little bit. I sometimes think to myslef that I'm attractive, and sometimes a few of my friends, including my female friends say it. I don't really acknowledge it though. In my head I'm still that awkward teenager.

I woke up stupidly late today, partly because I felt exceptionally dizzy last night. I think I went to sleep early so I don't know what excuse I have (no wait, I slept at 4:30am). Today feels productive but in terms of my targets its not. I've set a high standard of outcomes and I would much prefer getting it all under my belt. I talk a lot about wanting to get lots done and it sounds often like the kind of person who doesn't. The stuff builds up and layers on top of itself. I'm not good at dealing with it, but I have taken a bit of the dusty layers off (extended metaphor). It's nearly 2am and I should sleep. I haven't jacked off today and I feel almost like not doing it at all.

I was a bit scared going into the hospital. Sitting in the waiting room gave me lost of ugly memories, lots of ugly feelings. There was a moment of bemusement when I was attended to by a female consultant, who then did an initial test. I then went into a room and an almost identical consultant came in and said the same name and talked to me as if it was the first time i was explaining my situation. Maybe it was my eyes, being hit in the eye with a birdy is a valid excuse for that level of bemusement. My eyes are still a bit off, it's a lot better compared to yesterday, and I hope come tomorrow this eye business over and done with.

I'm seeing my friend who I gym with whenever he's in the UK, he gets as much from it as I do. He's such a dear friend I am even good friends with his girlfriend and we make lots of jokes together. In addition I made the comment that he called me yesterday and said 'I just want to hear your voice', and his girlfriend told me that she never hears that from him. I almost feel like I'm a third part of that relationship, none of the sexual stuff of course, but I am in an emotional relationship with that man and we love each other.

I checked the weighing scales today. I've gained weight, about 5lbs since my last reading. I don't care. I should care. I do care about exercising and I do care about trying to eat more healthy food. I do care about my strength, my cardio, my muscle definition, symmetry and I do want to be the best I can be. I don't feel that that number defines me. I don't think it's muscle mass, but I do think eating fried chicken didn't help, or those sweets on the way home. I comfort eat a bit, which is my way of not comfort eating a lot.

There's lots to think about, stag night, family, money, jobs, fitness, trying to get my head together...dealing with the hospital was more than enough for me today. I wish I could sleep so I could start the next day. Insomnia strikes me pretty bad.

Sonata 14, mvt III

dear diary

 

I'm seeing how many people are getting on with their lives. It makes me feel truly alone, but there is another sense in which the lonliness becomes me. It's not that these things make me feel lonely so much that I realise how fundamentally alone I am. I am alone as a state of being, fundamentally distant.

For some reason I've been feeling a surge of a different personality inside me. Today I really went out of my comfort zone. I applied to 3 jobs today, I did badminton, I got hit on the face (an accident) and had to have first aid administered. Don't worry it's nothing serious, however I am still quite bruised around my eye.

There's a piece of music running in my head. Beethoven's Sonata 14, movement 3. There's something in the spirit of this piece that is screaming at me right now. There is something so heavy metal about that piece of music. I was practicing piano today, and I was reminded of something. In the last days (now legendary) of my piano tuition, my teacher introduced me to various pieces and he said that one day I will be able to play them. Now that my teacher is departed those words have a new meaning to me. I am the young man and he was the elder. I have my life ahead and he sadly does not.

My teacher believed in me. My teacher thought that I was able to learn the Beethoven, he also thought that one day I could play the Liszt. I had a flash, a spark of inspiration that moment when I reminisced old Jack. I'm reminded of the drive that I used to have, I want to have that drive again. I want to have that spark, that motivation, that fire. My life is so dull, so hopeless, so empty. Part of this I feel is my own doing. I need to push myself. I know I say this ad nauseam. Today I felt that I did in some way.

I remember part of the story when I got depressed as a late teen. I burned out. I pushed it and pushed it and pushed it harder than anyone else. I took the safety off as I pushed myself. I loved it. If I could answer the question: what changed since then? It was probably that I don't push myself as hard. I try to take breaks and accomodate my limits. Maybe I don't know what my limits are yet. Maybe I can play the Beethoven. I must remember the importance of patience, relaxed arms, open mind and hard determination but not angry determination.

I remember when I started doing the gym I was motivated by the feeling of hate. Now I'm motivated by the outlook of hate. My contempt and burning desire is not a feeling or an emotion, it's me. Loneliness becomes me, greatness and hard work has to become me. I must personify it. I must personify what I aspire to.

Currently listening to a heavy metal version of the beethoven, which is awesome, by the way.

Dear Diary,

 

A general moral in life: set ridiculously high standards.

 

I've kept busy today. There's much more to do. I am going to try and keep my weekly targets seriously. This means by the time July has come, I will have applied to about 86 jobs. No small feat. I really need to take the job hunt seriously, because nobody else will. I can't coast. My life needs to move on. Three applications sent off today, one nearly finished that I need more time to prepare for.

Now off to do some sports and fitness things.

Nick Miller (and camden crawl)

Dear Diary,

 

Weekend was packed with social things. I went to see my sister's family for a birthday thing. I feel almost bad for saying it but I find them incredibly boring now that they've become all in family mode with kids and playing with toys, trying to discipline the children, failing, and my dad always giving too much attention to the kids which makes them want to show off. I'm tired of how repetitive it is when I see them, the conversations, the people and even though the food is nice, it's so fucking monotonous and closed.I feel like this is something my 21 year old self would say. I'm happy they are happy, but I really can only take small doses of them. My cousins by contrast, are very funny and cool and like to talk about technology and games. My sister is all 'jamie oliver recipes' and 'yummy mummy tata for now darling'.British Asian social climber. Probably what I should be myself actually, but I fail at. Maybe that's what irks me.

Sunday was cool. Camden crawl, third year in a row. I saw 2 people who went to my school...performing! I won't go into details, one is a big major act who is probably gonna get a major record deal if he hasn't already. The other was a ragamuffin type in my physics class who people said wouldn't go far in life. The guy was a jack the lad cockney type and made a lot of trouble and jokes in class. I'm glad he's doing so well. The fellow was in a neo-folk band, I'm happy for him and it seriously blew my mind seeing him play so well.

My friend, who I should call token black friend. is a great friend of mine and I have few friends in my life who are as true as him. We don't talk much or share much, but when we meet we have this understanding that no time has really passed by. Well I used to feel that but he's moving on with his life in many ways. So his initial plan was to bring his new girlfriend along but she was ill, however her friend came along and the rest of my post is going to be about her.

This girl (lets call her: Chelsea), seemed very affectionate and flirtacious. Instead of the standard hand shake when greeting a new person she said 'ooh lets do a hug', and I felt awkward. I'm always awkward around beautiful women. I felt a bit odd about having a woman around for the day out, mostly because I'm used to male company and that's my own issue with social inadequacy, I kept my distance, smiled politely and enjoyed the day mostly. Later on through the day odd flirtacious things happened. I'll list them rather than be all prose about it:

 

1. At kfc I did my ponytail up and she stops and says 'you know I just noticed that you are really hot'. My response, I turned to the guys and asked them: Did Chelsea just say that I'm hot, or am I really drunk right now?
2. Occaisional touching, as well as arms around my shoulders during one comedy act that I suggested, I noticed she did this a bit with the other two guys I was around as well so maybe that's just her way.
3. Later on, on a more one-to-one basis, she said again: "you are really hot, that's just a fact". I replied awkwardly: "Erm, thanks, I don't hear that often from women, I hear it more often from men".
4. Later on, a one to one conversation where we share an interest in opera and classical music, she then talks about a song using orgasm terminology, I also notice her touching her body in an overstated way, hands sweeping down from her torso to her hips, rubbing of hands on hips and brushing of her nipples. I tried my best to not 'stare' and just politely smile.
5. Our goodbye took the form of a kiss.

I sort of want to dismiss this as not sexual attraction on her part because:

1. She's so hot she's out of my league
2. She's my friend's friend
3. she may have been ovulating and expressing overt sexual signals as part of her hormonal cycle (I really come up with convoluted explanations)
4. she was flirting with another guy later on
5. and also affectionate with the other two mates I was with, one guy did ask her to tone it down, as he had a girlfriend and it was not right for him to let her do that without him saying, her response was 'don't worry i'm not trying to steal you!'
6. I'm pond scum to her, I'm a state school minority kid who by some freak of accident went to a decent uni but didnt affect my job prospects in any good way. Why would she be interested in me?

 

I was talking about this with a dear internet friend today. She was under the impression that this girl definately likes me, on the basis of (1) the affection (2) shared interest in music. I didn't tell her much more but she said that Chelsea could probably see that I'm 'a sweet guy who would treat her very nicely'. I forget that I am considered a caring and nice person by others. Despite all the hatred that goes on in my mind, I was the guy who created the depression support group on facebook, helping hundreds and around a thousand people with their mental health problems. The funny thing is that few people know about that. The few friends that did said things to me like called me a 'hero' or the most noble person they've ever met. It was nice that they had kind things to say about me, It was nice that my friend Caroline had nice things to say about me, I guess she's known me for a while as a 'sweet' person. I then told her about the kiss and the compliment about my ponytail. From her perspective that cinched the opinion that Chelsea likes me. I'm still a bit doubtful. Even if she did, what would it amount to? Nothing, probably. I'm a broke loser, I'm Nick Miller from New Girl and I have nothing to offer. Caroline also said that it was notable that she would talk about her ex to me, she said that was a cue to make it known that she's single.

A friend of mine has gotten a lot of sex lately, from women on the rebound. I think to myself that its a bit despicable and his reply is: "Pussy is Pussy". I personally wouldn't like to be the rebound guy, if just for the fact that the sexual energy may be a misdirected sense of intimacy and feelings for the other guy. Chelsea told me herself that she still has feelings for her ex and its still something on her mind. A girl on OKCupid once offered me meaningless sex, but I turned her down after much soul searching. I turned her down because I knew she was very emotionally fragile from a lot of stuff going on in her life, and being submissive and degraded by men was a thing she did that made her feel a sense of self worth. I wasn't cool about that. I suppose I wouldn't be cool about being a misdirected substitute for an ex she still is trying to get over.

And perhaps the most notable thing I have to say is this: I don't think I can really offer women anything special. If I'm honest, I can't keep my shit together in my own life. I'm such a failure and I hate what I am right now. I feel like I've given up in so many ways its suffocating, and I'm just a toxic person right now.

Today I spent some effort trying to catch up and get on with my schedule. So many things to do and catch up with it's a nightmare. I've barely scratched the surface. I'm doing terribly in terms of my job hunt. I really, really need to take it more seriously. I'm coasting. I've often said the job market is like finding romance: competitive and there's always someone 'more suited to the role'. I feel useless and dejected in this current climate. 2012 is not a good year for me. Life hasn't been the same since I finished my Masters. Everything that I was and hoped to be just burned and I'm what's left. I can relate a lot to Nick Miller off the New Girl tv show. That makes me sad. I wish I was more. It's all up to me to do it though...

Dear Diary,

 

Last night I was listening to an old episode of 'Women's Hour' that I downloaded off the radio 4 podcasts directory and I listened to a piece on a woman recovering from anorexia. The description she gave about the way that it affected her, as well as the associated activities that made her feel powerful and in control really resonated with me. Perhaps so much so that I got quite upset.

Many people say they don't understand the mentality of something like anorexia, I'm not necessarily saying that I do, but I think that many people, if they were presented the prospect of obtaining the one thing that they desired most, at what seems a negligible cost, is so incredibly attractive.

Purging made the world a lot simpler, sobriety makes the world more complicated and grey. I like the word sobriety, I like the word sober. Although I've never had a problem with alcohol, I lately choose to avoid it. I choose to avoid alcohol because I want to hold the feelings that I have. I want to keep especially those nevative feelings inside me, acknowledge them and put them into a wider context. Alcohol makes things much more polarised, extreme on both sides of good and bad.

Grey is a reality I do not find desirable right now. Grey doesn't seem as glamorous as purging or topping up on alcohol until I'm stupid with brain hormones of happy feelings. I'm off to see some guys tomorrow for what would be a day full of drinking. I'm going to be sober tomorrow I think . I'll try anyway.

square one

Dear Diary,

 

I think its fair to say I'm not doing too well. I'm reminded of the phrase 'how are you holding up?'. I'm holding up right now and that's about the most I can di with my energy right now. Im trying to catch up. Yesterday I felt a bit shit, and I went to see some friends as a way of making up for not getting much done. I also voted in the local and mayoral elections. There's so many things I've yet to do but I've not done it yet. In addition, It looks like I'm going to be occupied all weekend. I am going to the Camden Crawl for one day only this weekend, for the past couple of years it's been both days, I just can't afford it at the moment, in addition I'm off to a family thing tomorrow. I can't feign ignorance about it either.

I need new glasses, there's a scratch on the lens. That's a bit of a cunt. On wednesday I did an exceptionally long session at the gym. Lots of thoughts in my mind at the moment, none of them are good or healthy things. On the plus side, I am masturbating not as much. No wait, there was last night...

I'm going to try and spend as much of today at trying to finish as many of the tasks as I can. I think the fact that one of my cloud services was down this week put me off a bit and psychologically messed me up. There's an extent to which I feel like I'm at a 'square one', which reminds me of a time I was with the psychiatrist all those years ago and he said after one treatment didn't work 'so we're back to square one'. I'm so fucking angry at that expression. But it accurately captures my feeling. I hate how things aren't working in my life. WHY CAN'T I FUCKING GET A BREAK

A month in summary

21 training/fitness sessions

21 Job applications

3/4 anxiety situations

4 books (probably more if you include graphic novels)

5 practice sessions (that's piano practicing or rehearsal)

 

I should feel a bit proud of that. I need to do better though.

 

Another post coming up