Friday, February 28, 2014

Dear Diary,

I've had a few panic attacks in the past few days.

Not been able to be on top of things as I would have liked. It all started on wednesday at around 4pm. I went off to get some laundry and I noticed that there was a horrible cock smell in the house (and not my cock - one of the guys i invited for jamming). That really put me off.

Then (this is hard for me to talk about). I had to turn down a prestigious interview at ...a prestigious media company because I was working at the sentinel. This is maybe the 2nd time I got an interview from this place but I made a prior commitment to working at the Sentinel which is inflexible.

In other news, I got an extra shift this month at Shambly. That makes 5 shifts to work in Shambly (including the new shambly annex venue). That's going to help with my worries about money.

I haven't been talking much because I had an emotional trigger about turning down this INCREDIBLE ONCE IN A LIFETIME JOB INTERVIEW THAT I HAD A 1/4 CHANCE OF GETTING because I committed myself already.

I have had a series of panic attacks since about wednesday...and it's fucked up my emotional ecosystem since then.

I only properly got out of bed from about midday, then I went back to bed again. I only did proper stuff in the house since about...3:30pm maybe? I am tempted to get some dirty takeaway tonight...need some comfort food pretty badly. I don't think it's a good idea. I have a ton of frozen food and other foodstuffs in the house.

I got a ton of housework to do as well. The only thing motivating me right now, is the prospect of Hannah coming over tomorrow morning and...getting ready to go to the gym right now. I want to go to the gym and do a class right now. I will have made 5 hours of training this week if I did go tonight. Come on, Conatus...pull your fucking socks up.

Having the panic attacks lately, and feeling intense sadness...reminds me of a worse person that I used to be...

Anyway. I'm off to the gym now.


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