Sunday, February 23, 2014

those unanswered questions (applying CBT to my past)

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I'm doing something very ordinary, and then I get a flashback to the past. I am drawn to some flashpoint where a situation could go one way or another, and can be phrased as a question. The situation incidently ends up in one way over others, but that question still remains in my head that I try to resolve. It's a question of my integrity or my will; my dedication or of my sincerity.

I am a flawed person. I suppose I don't see that if I am around my peers who see the best things in me, or if I'm on my own.

My flaws are those unanswered questions. Here are some of those questions:

  • Why didn't I convert to single honours philosophy in first year?
  • Why didn't I do a masters in social research?
  • Why didn't I do anything about [insert girl's name from sixth form] even when she knew i liked her?
  • Why didn't I make any friends at the start of uni?
  • Would I have made friends at the first day of freshers at that hall party if I actually went to it?
  • Would my life have been different if I decided to go out in that first sunday instead of stay in my room?
These questions haunt me. I think about my CBT lessions and help from the psychologist and the online help I have had from CBT, and CBT approaches make me question if these thoughts are useful to my present and to my life situation now. 

CBT approaches want me to answer that these are not relevant to my present, because they are my past. They were my past. They are not my present. My present is spending the past 2 hours cleaning up the house, cleaning the toilets and sinks and surfaces and getting rid of expired food. 

My present is: applying to jobs; Keeping the jobs that I do have; Planning ahead of my life; Getting stronger; Getting fitter; Eating healthier; trying to make the most of my life with what I have and what I am.

I have these unanswered thoughts and questions. I have looked at a few youtube videos of people who have similar and different kinds of 'unanswered' and unresolved thoughts and queries. Their wisdom is that it never goes away, but you just have to push through with life.

The unanswered questions always haunt me. They always can haunt me. They don't matter anymore...that's what I need to tell myself. 

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