Friday, February 7, 2014

Dear Diary,

For three days this week I will be busy in the evenings - actually, that's 4 days. I was at work this thursday, at a discussion group on wednesday, work this friday, and another social do on saturday - in a way this kind of vindicates me as some kind of normal human being. In another way I don't feel it does. I feel weird without my routine. I feel unusual without it.

I am also really enamoured with my red notebook. It feels like a talisman to me. I have lots of talismen, trinkets and fetishes (no not like that).

I keep thinking about a woman that I met last night, I've met her twice. She must be mid 30s-maybe 40s. She's from northern ireland, she's really pretty, tall, middle class and bourgeois. I think she's got a hidden intelligence that she's not showing everyone and I think she has a twinkle for me. Maybe she's just friendly to everyone and I am kinda reading more into it than I should. The way she would unnecessarily touch me during discussions felt nice, and I feel incredibly small being in her presence. What is it about girls I really like that make me clam up. Fucking hell it's such a weird reaction...the mammalian brain is pretty weird and stupid.

In a way I should count my blessings that this is a busy week. I may not be able to do much gym this week, or much music, but I have had a chance to force myself to work and do job applications and cover letters.

I will set myself one more task before I go to bed. I have a thing against going to bed lately. I feel a bit 'scared' (I know, its silly) about being alone with my thoughts. I worry that it will get really dark.

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