Friday, February 14, 2014

Dear Diary,

I hardly did much this Thursday. I had an early start and then I kinda collapsed in the evening with enough time to go 'oh shit its dark now, better go to the gym'.

So, let's do this boring thing: things I did this thursday:

  • Archiving
  • (Paid in)
  • Learned to do some coding 
  • Emailed RE: sentinel placement
  • Fatigue
  • Rescheduling calendar to account for week working at sentinel over march
  • Body Attack
  • Body Combat

I'm thinking of that old utilitarian idea of 'safisfice vs. maximise'.

In an ideal world I'd like to satisfice. What I should do is safisfice. Do what I can my best.

Lately I've been thinking about ...a girl. We've been talking a lot and I think I might meet her again. I don't talk much on here about my feelings (hah!!) but lately I have gotten quite close to a polyamorous person and we are developing a thing. Of course she is involved with other guys who are sexually more interesting and have more prowess than I. I don't know what she sees in me, but it makes me feel good that I might have someone to cuddle soon.

My body hair is growing quite a bit lately, that's been something on my mind on and off. I am also feeling quite fat.

I had a conversation a few hours ago and I mentioned a few things that I used to do back when I was in that 'early limbo' period after my Masters---and I felt ashamed of what person I was back then. I got an email from myself earlier today. It was a quick message, I like quick messages. It was exactly a year ago. I said something to myself like: 'I look forward to being the person you are now'. I think if I compared my mindset to a year ago I think there is definitely a thing called 'improvement'. 

There are a few things that are quite nice about my life: I'm doing community work, I am a nice guy to at least one girl, I am working 2.5 quarter-time jobs. I am part of a discussion circle. I'm playing my musical instruments. I'm doing more ensemble work. I have a good lot of friends that I play badminton with. I have a loving family. I am technically someone's godfather (a very recent development). I feel like I am a lot of things to a lot of people. I also feel that many of my friends and some of my family realise that I have many different (and sometimes unusual) roles. 

In life we all have different kinds of roles. My sister is someone's wife, someone's mum, someone's colleague etc etc. We are all different slices of ourselves. I think that the person I was when I started this NOT who I am some ways thats kind of obvious, but I sometimes still feel like I'm trying to hold on to something. 

I better go to bed now. Tomorrow is another day. Also I have work in the evening, and then come Saturday it will be a busy one. I'm going to Essex to pick up a piano, and then I'm going to see my brother for a birthday do. I think that the person I used to be had less redeeming qualities than who I am now...but the darkness that he had has permutated into another different kind of darkness. 

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