things I type when I remember to blog (reviewing the week, and weekend, and my feelings)

Dear Diary,

 

I feel a bit shit today because I didn't do anything constuctive in the way my schedule defines it. I wrote a blog for a proper blog, I went running. I did 4.3 miles in an hour. I know that's not much but my legs were killing me afterwards. I stopped and started a fair bit and the cold winds were unforgiving to my hoody. I was travelling on Saturday, and I met some really nice people from the other blog project I'm involved with. I felt some anxiety, maybe because I at a heavy meal, maybe because I did something completely new and went to a new place, with people I only knew online, and people who I thought didn't like me but seemed more friendly than my most overly critical thoughts often think. I read a bit on the train.

 

So, now what. Now I am back to where I started. It's the week beginning. I have a couple of shifts at work this week, which is nice. It also means I won't be gymming it for a couple of days. I also very much enjoy the fact that I did 7 (count em) sessions of fitness, this includes sport, weight training, classes and running. I want to keep this patern up. I think if anything has been a constant over the past month, it has been my regularity at keeping fit.

 

My dark eating disorder thoughts are still there. In fact I think its something that emerges when I run, I start thinking very dark thoughts. I don't like being around people too much. Not because I don't like them, but the uncertainty of conversation and social rules causes me anxiety. On the other hand I feel deeply lonely. I have ideas that nobody understands, I have musical plans that nobody can play with me and I have feelings that I can't tell anybody about. I'm deeply alone. I also realise that I can't pin my hopes on some manic pixie to make it better. Junk food and comfort eating has helped a bit emotionally. I'm definitely an emotional eater.

 

I'm going to bed soon, but before I do I might have an informal review of my week (before the formal one is put on my records):

 

• Read a lot of books
• Bought computer fan (needed to do)
• Had a haircut that was borderline satisfactory
• Applied to 5 jobs
• Proofreading
• Went to 3 fitness classes 
• 7 fitness sessions
• went to work
• got an extra shift at work
• got febuary shifts
• got a network railcard
• talked to the GP about my anxiety
• Sent off stuff on ebay
• Went to a meeting outside of london
• Travelled outside of london while managing anxiety
• went running
• curbed my wanking habits on some days (but not today)

 

I think something I am re-learning about myself is that it is okay to accept vulnerability in front of other people. I think it means I have more to talk about in my inventory/repetoire of conversation pieces. Also included is the weather, and my funny shoes.