2:25 (Adam Carolla audiobook in the background)

I just came. I wiped my jizz using a restaurant napkin. I really needed that. Yes. I can be crass. I can say what I like on this blog because nobody reads it.

I really needed that orgasm, it helped clear my head. I have cleared 120 items from my Starred RSS feeds. I've cleared an additional 1600 or so over the past couple days. It's only going to build up again, of course. I like it as bed time reading. Or reading when I'm at work.

 

So, lets talk about today this day just ended (counting from when I woke up).

I got up late. Usually because I sleep late. I also felt a bit of motivation from getting a HC2 form in the post. I probably blogged about it. My boss said that she cancelled on my shift, but offered me an alternate one that was available. Not bad. Not a gain, not a loss. I won't feel as bad about the interview now. I was expecting the psychology/wellbeing people to book an appointment with me. However they flaked and called me at 17:10. When they say they would call me back in the morning. I expect 12:30 at the latest. Not 17:10.I didn't get the call (phone was acting all fucky), I gotta call tomorrow.

I went to body pump class. I got a good pump. I got a good amount of strain and pain. Enough to go home immediately. I also felt an anxiety attack in the toilet afterwards (best not to go into why). Today I had a delivery. A new toy. It is a musical instrument, yes, another fuckign instrument. I also learned hot to play it, played around with it, and had a few thoughts about how to teach people to sing. I volunteered to get involved with this group and said basically: I want to help you be better performers.I feel like its an important way for me to combat mia. Also since I was a singer in the past I thought it would be nice to do something musical.

*random flashback*. David from Choir said how he wanted to get into music, make contacts, make it big and be a singer or a pianist. He just needed lessons, and contacts, or people who had a studio. David was so poor he walked from the far reaches of east london to notting hill because he wanted to save money on his oyster card. I felt for the guy. I wonder how he's doing. I think I might email him soon just to touch base. Was really nice that choir last year. Something folded about it, it just suddenly lost interest after our first gig. Don't know what it was. Either that, or they continued playing and I wasn't invited (also likely). But it was a good learning experience for me, being around graduates, and getting back into singing. On reflection, 2012 was a big year for me in some ways, even if I didn't get a job.

I booked an appointment with the specsavers, because basically. I was meaning to but I kept putting it off, and then I realised my exemption form expired, and I needed to get one, dwelled on that, then ordered it, dwelled on filling it out, then filled it out, sent it off immediately and now the HC2 form has come to me. Much better than the HC10 form. Now I can get dental treatment!

I did a bit of research on how to teach people how to sing. Got some good ideas. Most of them are traditional things, some of them I think might be fun. I also did some prep for the interview. Need to do more for Friday though. Must keep calm, don't take it too seriously, but also don't be too casual.

I know that if I get rejected at the phone interview. I'm going to be devastated, and I'll lose confidence again, and all this productive shit will be for nought.I fucking hate that feeling. I need some hope. I need a fucking break. Will you give me a fucking break, world?

I should probably sleep. But I'm hungry. I'm going to eat some stuff from downstairs. It's healthy food I think. I'm also going to sleep afterwards. Hopefully.

 

I wish I get a decent job. I hope its the one i'm interviewed on friday. I want my life to move forward, then I can move out of my parent's place, go on dates, meet girls, maybe have a sex life, maybe experiment with guys sexually, maybe buy new clothes, maybe have a career, maybe do a PhD, maybe work to a mortgage. You know, the normal stuff. Instead I'm reading blogs at 3am, wanking into a nando's serviette and moaning and writing stylistically badly on this fucking blog.

 

Downstairs to get some carbs...

my glasses are foggy from dirt. That's when I know i need new ones

Dear Diary,

 

Woke up this morning. Woke up late. I thought to myself: Ah, fuckinora. Then I saw my mail. I got my HC2 certificate in the mail. The HC2 certificate pays for health costs. I've been waiting for this for a while. This gives me access to free NHS prescriptions, dental treatment and sight tests. This will help with my costs. This also is one of the things that put me off starting antidepressants again. For having to pay £14 a month (on top of everything else) just to keep well. My current glasses are a bit shit at the moment. 2 years is long enough. Actually 18 months was long enough for those things. I want to get the exact same frame as what I had before. It's cool. I don't want to change a good thing.

So today...I should write a book review, do some research, prepare for my interview. Scary stuff! So scary that I'm trying to derail my efforts by ignoring what I need to do.

Non-priority schema

Dear Diary

 

Dealing with non-priority tasks at the moment. I woke up late again. That is a bitch. I woke up early yesterday and it went well. It's not yesterday, it's another day. I'm thinking about going out to do an errand for mum. Doing some non-priority tasks. At the same time playing 'Girls' (the HBO series) in the background.

 

I really like the engaging stories. Hannah kind of reminds me of a lot of people and reflects a bit of myself as well. It also made me think of how my 20s are a bit shit, and how I'm not really doing much with my life. I also find the material difficult in some of the ways: like the ways in which male characters impute expectations of sexual availability to the protagonists.

 

Then I was thinking about how I feel like my 20s are like watching other people's lives but stuck in a bell jar.

Then I realised the Sylvia Plath reference. Now I'm crying a bit inside. I have 3 hours until badminton/gym nightmares. I'm going to try and make the most of my non-priority day. I can't but help think of how lovely last month was. How warm I felt about Christmas, and how I enjoyed doing the gym so regularly. I didn't do pilates last night. I felt tired. Today I'm going to do a double session: badminton (of about 2 hours) and then Spinning.

It's going to fucking kill. I've not done it in a while. I need to do it.

I know how it is a bit of a catchphrase but everytime I say it I mean it and I try to impute some sense of activity and trying to keep going, and with that I say....onwards

listening to asking alexandria

something is a bit of a barrier. I have few referees for work. That's not good. For PhD applications Im not sure if I was on the best of terms with the lecturers, not necessarily for giving a reference, but for contacting them. I'm scared.

12:19

Right now. Just sent off an application for the day. Listened to a podcast about how people in their 20s are fucked because of the GFC/Recession/unemployment/lack of opportunities which depressed me. Then I sent off a job application, I got a call from my boss to the effect of: would you like to do an 8-10 hour shift instead of a 6 hour one? That's an extra £20-35 or so quid maybe? (before tax). Yes please boss. She's really nice, almost like a real person I could talk to at the pub. But of course people at work aren't real people, they are cyborgs (I say in jest).

I'm currently listening to the album 'No More Tears', and then the titular song came on. It reminds me of 2008 August. I had a girlfriend, I was so happy, but at the same time everything in my life fell apart. It's the kind of time that defined everything, it started and finished everything and now my life is broken and in shards. I live with the somewhat reluctant acceptance of this. Now what? Now I look at courses to possibly apply to for the next 2-3 hours? It appears as hours on my schedule. I might dismiss them tout court in 10 mins. I've been putting it off. The song 'No More Tears' is playing. It was the soundtrack for the craziest time of my life.

 

As the song came on I felt I needed to blog. I needed to vent, needed to express.The song meant a lot to me once. I almost feel like I want to repeat the song. Now, I think I need to listen to it and move on, no repeats. I can't keep clinging on to the things symbolic of a past that is no longer the present. more importantly, I can't cling on to those symbols. Now the sing S.I.N. has come up. :)

 

onwards

things I type when I remember to blog (reviewing the week, and weekend, and my feelings)

Dear Diary,

 

I feel a bit shit today because I didn't do anything constuctive in the way my schedule defines it. I wrote a blog for a proper blog, I went running. I did 4.3 miles in an hour. I know that's not much but my legs were killing me afterwards. I stopped and started a fair bit and the cold winds were unforgiving to my hoody. I was travelling on Saturday, and I met some really nice people from the other blog project I'm involved with. I felt some anxiety, maybe because I at a heavy meal, maybe because I did something completely new and went to a new place, with people I only knew online, and people who I thought didn't like me but seemed more friendly than my most overly critical thoughts often think. I read a bit on the train.

 

So, now what. Now I am back to where I started. It's the week beginning. I have a couple of shifts at work this week, which is nice. It also means I won't be gymming it for a couple of days. I also very much enjoy the fact that I did 7 (count em) sessions of fitness, this includes sport, weight training, classes and running. I want to keep this patern up. I think if anything has been a constant over the past month, it has been my regularity at keeping fit.

 

My dark eating disorder thoughts are still there. In fact I think its something that emerges when I run, I start thinking very dark thoughts. I don't like being around people too much. Not because I don't like them, but the uncertainty of conversation and social rules causes me anxiety. On the other hand I feel deeply lonely. I have ideas that nobody understands, I have musical plans that nobody can play with me and I have feelings that I can't tell anybody about. I'm deeply alone. I also realise that I can't pin my hopes on some manic pixie to make it better. Junk food and comfort eating has helped a bit emotionally. I'm definitely an emotional eater.

 

I'm going to bed soon, but before I do I might have an informal review of my week (before the formal one is put on my records):

 

• Read a lot of books
• Bought computer fan (needed to do)
• Had a haircut that was borderline satisfactory
• Applied to 5 jobs
• Proofreading
• Went to 3 fitness classes 
• 7 fitness sessions
• went to work
• got an extra shift at work
• got febuary shifts
• got a network railcard
• talked to the GP about my anxiety
• Sent off stuff on ebay
• Went to a meeting outside of london
• Travelled outside of london while managing anxiety
• went running
• curbed my wanking habits on some days (but not today)

 

I think something I am re-learning about myself is that it is okay to accept vulnerability in front of other people. I think it means I have more to talk about in my inventory/repetoire of conversation pieces. Also included is the weather, and my funny shoes.

Dear Diary,

 

Today is a bit of a clearing up day. I got my Network railcard but the fucking person at the oyster card desk refused to put it on my card. Then I went home. Then I set up all the things taht I needed to sell on ebay, then wrapped it up, then sold it. Then I realised I needed to go to the GP. At the GP I talked about my heart problems, and the GP said its not a heart problem its an anxiety issue, she gave me some pamphlets and asked me how I wanted to go forward. I was confused so she said I can come back and explore some options. Whether its drugs or talking therapies. I noticed there's a wellbeing service in my local area and I might pursue it. I asked if there was a heavy waiting list or if it was busy and she had no information.

 

Yesterday was work, then my legs got fucked so I couldn't do the gym, My leg is fucked. I'm thinking about whether its worth gyming it tonight. I could do body attack. If I do I'd have to leave the house in 45 minutes. I'm tempted. I'm thinking of travelling out of london this weekend. Tempted, not sure yet.

Things I've done today

• Applied to two jobs
• Recieved Paypal money
• Went to balance class
• Did some cardio training after class + bodyweight exercises before class
• Attempted (but failed) to get Network Railcard

This is what we might call a productive day. Could have applied to more jobs, but this is probably better than most of what I've done this month.

I pushed my body out of a stupour today. I pushed my mind and my body at the treadmill.

My training partner of one month has gone back to Eastern Europe for a little while. When he comes back there's no guarantee we will still train together. I knew it wouldn't last forever.

Week in review

Doing my weekly review task. I've found I have really exceeded my non-priority tasks.

I don't think I've ever done 7 training sessions in a week. I also did 5 practice sessions in the past week with piano.

Only one job application though. Not good.Not good.

I had an IM chat with someone last night. I was talking about some childhood memories. Then I realised how not-normal my childhood was.

You know how doctors sometimes ask: tell me about your childhood. I usually say nothing interesting or nothing of note happened in childhood, that it was fairly normal.

I realise that I was unwittingly ignoring certain things. For example: witnessing abus, emotional neglect, bad parenting, alcoholism and a little bit of poverty.

I saved the IM conversation. I'll look at it later. Something was a bit validating to be told: what I experienced and saw was fucked up, not normal.

 

So now I'm awake. I'm getting on with my morning. I might eat some breakfast.

It's just like Adora again.

So its worth updating on the situation.

 

Nothing's happened. I've gone to the gym a lot lately. A lot.

Not applied to so many jobs.

Been tired a lot.

Had trouble sleeping

Reading audiobooks.

Spending more money than I earn.

Read a bit.

Booked appointment with GP

Reading essays for free.

I also have had a lot of random conversations.

I have been training with a partner. I will call him mi hermano. Mi Hermano y yo have been gyming it up a lot. Sauna-ing it up a lot. Chatting with random ladies and gentlemen at the gym. It's fun with him. Something bittersweet has happened. He's gotten a new job. That means two things: he's got a job (yay great news), but also he's going to move on from what we had over the past month. I guess that bromance has ended. It's just like Adora again. Easy come easy go.

I bit the bullet and called for an appointment with the GP.

 

I've got lots of reservations. But they were based on a time when I was a different person. Perhaps It w ill be different.

Fear

Dear Diary,

 

Last night was awful. I couldn't sleep and I felt haunted by memories, and mia. Mia was a presence of strength in my mind, something I couldn't defeat. It's strange, in my own mind I thought I was the one in charge. I can't communicate how frightening it was to have that voice in my head, to be carrying it all night. I'm glad I'm awake. I couldn't sleep. I tried listening to the voice for a while but then I realised why I surround myself with activities. Why I surround myself with noise. I can't face the silence of my own mind. That is true fear, when you are afraid of what is inside you.

Going to try and have a normal day. I had some bread for breakfast. I feel a little sick.

Making it about me

I think one of the problems about having a self indulgent blog like this, as well as a general problem I have, is that I make things all too often about me. I was listening to an amazing documentary on the BBC by an Emma Barnett about digital privacy, and it made me think to myself: God, she's really successful! Being around that age of hers also made me realise how unsuccessful and boring my life is.

 

It also makes me wonder if this, like her Gap Year Pictures, would come to haunt me. Also, I realise the painful irony of how this blog might aggregate her name and exactly contribute to her pagerank in an unintended way. Sorry! I really have trouble with making things about me all the time. (I say this in half jest)

reflections after a day where I felt terrible.

Dear Diary

 

There are those days in which a lot has been achieved, but not everything you planned. I'm not sure if that counts as a success or failure.

 

Feeling quite tired. Tomorrow is my 'break the routine day'. It will involve training, then some fun. Maybe even some alcohol. Lots more to do tomorrow. If I remember it all.

...nothing to it but to do it.

I'm feeling really miserable right now if I'm honest. Everything feels really hard to do right now. But I'm trying. I'm bloody trying. I've opened up a big bunch of windows on my browser, and they represent all the tasks I've set for myself. I've got some errands to do. I've got a bloody lot to think about. A bloody lot to do.

 

In the words of ronnie coleman: Ain't nothing to it but to do it. Now I'm off to scrub my feet. That's a bit hard to explain why that's relevant. That's a scheduled task.

too much to do

Kinda feeling depressed at the moment. I'm moving along but very slowly. Things kinda tough, feeling kinda tired. Maybe I'll take today off the gym as well. I have too much to do as it is.

 

I'm low on spoons today.

Things on my mind

• Why did I get involved with an activist group
• The work stuff that happened over the past two days I can't talk about
• How weird it is to have stuff I can't legally talk about
• How aching my body is
• Going to the gym later
• How much I need to do
• How much I haven't done
• How much I want to lay down in bed

My dream.

I had a weird dream this morning. My really outgoing friend from school invited me out with his friends (the one who had a birthday last month). I was asked to go out with him and his friends. One of the friend (f) wanted to pick something from her office so I waited outside her office, but strangely enough the office felt like it was in west london somewhere but felt like a dive in wimbledon in my irrational mind. I waited for a while and then found out the office was a pub and I was waiting unnecessarily for no reason. I then moved to the table/sofa where I thought they were sitting but then as I put my scarf down I forgot what colour it was and I picked up someone else's scarf and then I realise my friend and his party moved upstairs in the office that seemingly turned into a pub.

The party who moved to that table then came along and I realise they saw me digging into their jackets looking for my scarf. I had trouble saying what I was doing and I said I was looking for my scarf but I forgot what colour it was, and then my anxiety got really bad and after a while (in the dream it was represented in a really strange way). I felt really awkward and I just said: forget the scarf and I left it and walked away. Then I woke up feeling awful.

Start where you are (listening to bbc radio 4 podcasts on a monday morning)

Dear Diary,

Last week:

1. I applied to 14 jobs last week
2. 5 activity/fitness days
3. Advanced on a few books
4. 2 music days

On reflection. That's not too bad. I'm feeling quite tired presently. So much to do. I often feel I don't know where to start.

 

Then Im reminded of that phrase: Start where you are.

I've applied to 14 jobs today, recieved an exttra shift at work, did a lot of job searching.

 

I *think* that's a decent amount for today.

 

If I went to sleep right now and woke up at 7am I would not mind that at all. Unlikely to happen though.

graft more

Dear Diary

 

I'm kind of feeling depressed. The kind of depressed that I hate. I was really tiredearlier, so I went to sleep. What then happened was that I woke up feeling miserable and my dad was making stupid noises downstairs. It really depresses me. It depresses me that I'm making job applications for jobs that I could, I should have gotten 3 years ago. I've lost 3 years of a career that I am never going to get back.

Fuck.

Saying that really eats me inside. I've lost time that I'm NEVER GETTING BACK.

And they say not to dwell.

 

I was going to blog earlier and say something positive, but to be honest the only respite I could have is from food. At least I don't have any alcohol fixations. Well, I seem to have a fixation about how often I tell people I don't get drunk, like it's a thing of pride. Maybe I should work on that.I'm going to make a list of things I need to work on:

1. I need to sleep less during the day
2. I need to wake up early
3. I need to not go to bed so late
4. I need to say less about how I'm not drinking
5. I need to get on with my life. Graft more

Listening to black metal at 13:27, Jan 2nd 2013

This morning I got up early. I was too tired for gym today so I told my friend outright. I did compromise that an evening session would be preferable. This morning I did some blogging and I'm setting my new years resolutions in google calendar (don't ask). Now getting on. Getting a really nice message from a lady on Fetlife. Getting on with the day. This is really what I wanted for Christmas: my normal routine.

unrelated thought

I hate when people say things like 'I'm a very conifdent person' or 'I'm intelligent/talented', because those things are relative, and someone who is truly an exemplar of confidence can often see through such inadequate attributions. Confidence is an instance of something that can be largely situational, I have friends who have lots of confidence with women, but in academic or intellectual affairs they are very quiet. Myself, I used to find it very easy to speak to crowds, exactly because I am not speaking to an individual person and can find it more impersonal in that way. Many people are said to be confident online more than they are in real life, although it is more a testament of the cultural ubiquity of the internet that an opposing trend emerges that some people are starting to be more confident in real life than online. From a cybersecurity perspective that is a reasonable response.