The place of dissapointment and boredom in motivating me

Dear Diary,

I set a routine because I distinctly have a lack of a routine in my life. I'm either working, going out, exhausted or really upset, and those tend to get in the way of real life. Today I am neither of those (okay, maybe a bit tired) despite the fact that the first hour of waking up was agony on my arms. Today I booked a train ticket, I plan to see my ex and be amicable, and, yes, there might be some sex involved. Antonia broke up with her current guy, I'm not interested in a relationship or necessarily falling in love. I do want to fuck her though, and she wants to fuck me. It's been too long since I've last had sex. The pressure of normal society dictates that as a 25 year old, I should have a decent place of my own with a semi-decent job and a fuck from time to time, and the former two don't look like its coming any time soon.

I've sent 2 job applications today, and maybe some more will come. That makes a total of 3 this week. In addition, I've had to follow up a problem with work, namely, I've not been paid. I called payroll and they said they are going to follow it up. I haven't been paid since January and its a real bastard of an issue. They ought to sought it. I have set thursday 3rd as the ultimatum until I kick up a big shitstorm. One thing I've learned in my life is that followup is crucial. Everything goes wrong, everyone disappoints.

Disappointment. That seems to be the unifying theme of my life and my outlook. I'm disappointed in myself, and I'm disappointed in the world which I feel has let me down. I can't do much about the latter for most of the time, but I try to work on the former. Today my provisional plan is to go to badminton. I may or may not see a friend of mine who wants to play with us, this is the same friend who wanted to do gym with me last night but that didnt work. I tried to go to pilates yesterday but the places were booked. I then moved home, that was a 2 mile walk. I wouldn't say its 'for nothing' as I'm trying to lose weight and any energy expenditure is good.

I think my outlook has changed a bit lately. I see actions as a way of expending energy, making me tired and burning calories. The more I burn out the less fat I will have. I should hope that leads to results. I've been taking weight training a lot more seriously over the past few weeks and I also realise that I need to do more cardio. Exercise and keeping fit is more than just a hobby, its my way of keeping sane. Another thing that I've learned about myself over the past few weeks is that I need to read lots of books to keep sane. I'm currently reading a book about 20thC expressionism, which is a topic that I didn't study about at university and I don't really know about it except for odd references in social theory books that I read. However I need to read about it. I have lots of books that I want to read, lots of really hard and complicated books that deal with engaging ideas. The world is full of dreariness and boredom, disappointment and accidie. Lifting heavy, and reading deep seem to be my only form of escape.

Perhaps I'll end up as some mid 20s guy with a big chest and bulging arms, with a lot of knowledge about intellectual history and decision theory with a distinct sense of despair. Maybe that looks sexy, but it feels dreadful. I feel pretty dreadful. My body is going through a lot of abuse with all this weight training. I use a lot of hate when I pump. I guess it helps because I'm full of disappointment, and it has to go somewhere.

I find that this post is surprisingly more articulate than I would have expected. I feel that I've not written about my feelings properly in a few weeks. Let's move onwards. I've got a lot to do today.

A week in review (the punchline: C-)

Dear Diary,

 

Let me sum up my week through numbers:

• I applied to 7 jobs
• I went to the gym for training 3 times
• I went to 3 social occaisions, visiting my sister and her family; nandos with my mate, and cinema with my friend
• Choir was cancelled today, so I made a spontaneous plan to do the choir
• I've been a bit behind lately, I'm not quite sure why coincidently I've had the weekend all by myself - jerking it out
• my ex has been bothering me lately, she wants me to meet up with her.
• I've been in talks with an influential blog who want to post my article that I wrote last week.
• I saw some celebrities at work (which I shouldn't talk about, but lets just say that Shambly Arena was pretty busy this week)
• I suffered some fatigue after working late evenings, and endured, I suffered some neck pain after the gig (now 2 weeks ago) at the start of the week, and now endured.
• I ate a FUCKload of fast food. It aint good, it aint good at all.

 

Some of my mates have commented that 'I look good' and have lost a bit of weight lately. I dont' think that I have and I feel that one of them told the other to say it, and that guy is also just saying it to try and make me feel good but I dont think he's really honest about it. Maybe I'm paranoid. I have to get up for work in 4 hours, so I better sleep. For some reason the pace has been really intensive that I can't keep up over the past 4 days. After work tomorrow, I won't have work for a long while yet, that means I have more free time to catch up. Hopefully.

 

Off to bed! Not the best week, but not the worst. It could easily be worse, with a lot of effort it could be better. Here's to a better week.

numbness is just numb

Dear Diary,

4 job applications, a bit of catching up and a blood test. Overall I would feel that was a good result. I also did some reading, finished off some outstanding Greader blogs, a little bit of job searching and a touch of potential networking. I even jerked off for a bit. My neck is still sore as heck today so I'm giving training a miss. I have badminton to look forward to tomorrow, I've eaten a fuckload today and I've done a bit of procrastinating.

I suppose I've picked up a pace that I can smile at. There's always more to do, but for now its okay. I've got tomorrow as a day where I can plough through more applications, but the next couple of days after will not be an option, because I'm working both evenings. I think that I'll try to do a morning gym session during those days to vary things a bit. I've set a plan to visit my sister over the weekend and that fills a nice amount of time to space out the monotony of my life.

I feel very numb inside. I feel devoid of thoughts and motivation. I'm only doing things because lampe is telling me to. This numbness is good and bad. I'm trying to live in the present, even though my present is pretty fucking shit right now. I've thought about killing myself briefly a couple of times today, maybe just on a sort of casual and non serious way. It would be nice to just die, though. I wish I killed myself 6 years ago. The me of the past knew this would happen. I've disappointed him by living.

sunday reflections (and some positives)

Dear Diary,

 

I had a good night last night. It was a good night in an almost unprecedented way. I went out on my own, and I didn't feel as much anxiety as I expected. I think there is something about getting involved at a gig where there's a lot of music that I actually like and being around like minded people. I had a little period of time where I could get away from myself, and it felt euphoric for a brief period. I also suspect it was good exercise too.

As the day passed, I then came to the same conclusion, it was nice to escape for a while, but now I'm back to reality. I didn't do enough today (same shit different day) and I do think the time for moping is over. I'm starting to feel a lot of pressure now. There's a lot of pressure on succeeding. There's a lot of things that could eat away at me, and I feel like I'm losing my youth. My years are lost in interviews that I won't get and the life that I should have by now.

I was visited by a family friend a few days previously, by my friend Merv, who I've mentioned in the past. Spending the day with him has really put into context how profoundly disabled he is. We had to take him to the toilet, feed him and getting him in and out of the house was a real challenge with his wheelchair. I have confused feelings about Merv. I see how his life isn't how he would like, and I do see how he is around so much despair. There are the aspects of his life which are hindered by disability, and there is the way he is treated by other people on the basis of being disabled. I myself don't know sometimes how to deal with it. I'm not sure what to talk about with him at times either, this is more my fault than anything else, because I'm a terrible conversationalist. Merv is into hip hop and football, and I know nothing about either. Knowing Merv makes me reflect. Merv is 24 years old and his life is perhaps as good as it will ever get, and its really shit. Merv has parents in their late 50s and one day they will be too weak to care for him, they need to carry him quite often. Merv will one day find problems with housing and money after his parents are ...out of the picture and will need care for all of his life. There is no doubt that Merv is a shining jewel in the lives of those whom he touches, if a guy like him with his determination were in a body more mobilised I would dare think what limitations he would have.

 

For people like him I need to keep going. I am losing hope, but there's still more to lose before I reach zero. There may be more to gain as well. I'm glad that I didn't drink last night, I still had a good time without alcohol. I should make a habit of that. Maybe I should state some positives, like how I used to earlier in this blog's life:

1. I might go out with a woman at some point. I know she's interested. I've made a new internet friend lately and she's really nice to me. She thinks nice things of me.
2. I did 4 training sessions this week. That's the equivalent of every other day at the gym.
3. I met up with my brother for a great dinner and night out with his friends
4. One of my friends is thinking of doing tough mudda, I agreed to help him. I'm a bit excited
5. Went to a great gig this weekend
6. The GP thinks I'm not balding, the real problem is my anxiety and thinking that I might get bald
7. My body is in the best shape it has ever been in terms of health. I'm not the sexiest i've ever been (that still belongs to the eating disorder days) but I'm close. Maybe I can be someone's sexy little crumpet
8. I'm keeping to my reading schedule, and I've read some graphic novels and finished a book this week. I'm close to finishing about 3 more as well.
9. Given the amount of time I have spent procrasturbating this week, I think its fair to say that my libido is still pretty high. Libido is an early warning signal for depression.

I have to keep pushing. There's a lot of heavy shit going on in my life, and a lot of heavy shit for people I love. Unemployment, poverty, disability, health issues, lack of prospects and other kinds of uncertainties characterise the day. Maybe that's why a David Haye press conference fight seems like such a catharsis to watch...

dear diary,

 

I think I might do some more writing 'work'. I like the hours plus it suits my talents, it seems.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't get the job

heavy and hard to breathe

Dear Diary,

There's another story about the rise in unemployment on bbc news today. I just saw this story and its utterly depressing. The first guy who is 25 years old almost reminds me of yours truly. I don't get enough hours at work, although not unemployed I'm certainly underemployed at shambly. My anxiety has become more present over the past day, worrying about my hairline doesn't help. I'm hoping to hear back from that interview, but I think its likely that I didn't get it. I hate having hope, because with each rejection, I have to lose it, and then fight to get it back again, it's the eternal reoccurence, the plight of sisyphus as that boulder falls to the ground again and that punishment of being eaten by ravens as my organs grow back again.

Everything is feeling pretty heavy right now. All I have is a half smile, the kind of smile that hides your real feeling of bursting into tears. I'm going to have a little binge. I'm glad that I'm upright, all the same. I'm really hungry but my dad is downstairs and it makes me feel deeply uncomfortable being around him right now.

In other positive news, my friend is planning to do some training with me at the gym tonight. It will be nice to be around him.

Plodding on, I go...

trigger update:

 

after 2 hours, I calmed down. I convinced myself after looking at a few pictures of men on google images, that I'm not balding, not yet at least. Although I'll probably get this anxiety again. I need to talk to my GP about this.

I'm also waiting on that interview. It's daunting. I'll also feel relieved once I fully know that I got rejected. It will make me realise how much I love living in london.

!!!!!!!!!!!

Something is causing me a great deal of upset, distress and anxiety. I have it in my head that I might be losing my hair.

 

I need to know if I am or not, also, I have a GP appt booked. It's really fucking with my head.

Yesterday, Today, and tomorrow

Dear Diary,

It's 13:55 and I just got out of bed. I've been laying in bed looking at bbc news feeling exhausted. I may be tired because I slept late, but I only actually slept for a few hours. I may be tired because I had a double whiskey on the rocks last night, after choir, on my own. That sounds pretty desperate in a way, although I am trying to be a whiskey connoseur. I may be tired because I have been fatigued lately on account of all my gym activity. Despite taking a rest day on saturday, I couldn't lift very much on Sunday. Or I could be depressed, also possible. Maybe all of the above are true. It doesn't matter, I'm awake now. Choir was sort of fun, my anxiety got the better of me at points.

So today, I'm hoping to hear back from the job interview. I need to emotionally prepare myself that I didn't get it. It's always the way, and I will feel disappointed and its a cycle that happens all the time. I'm almost hoping that I did get it, that's why I'm guarding myself. I've had so much disappointment in my life after the PhD rejection, it hurt me deep inside in a way I'm too ashamed to admit to people. The talk of a lost generation is correct, the scars of having to apply for jobs all the time with no luck and works like 'we will not be taking this any further' or 'thank you for applying, however/unfortunately....'.

Then of course, there is tomorrow. I asked myself just now for half a second: what's going on tomorrow? The unifying theme of this post is 'yesterday, today and tomorrow'. Yesterday was a choir rehearsal and some errands for mum. Today is, well...I'll work that out. Tomorrow is ...what? Some metaphor for what my future holds that I am unaware of? Some uncertain boundary that is both determined and undetermined? Boundless yet fixed? or, oh wait - valentine's day. The thing that I find awkward is if anyone brings it up in front of me asking me. I remember my first and only valentine's day. I got a card and I was made to feel very special. The onyl things on my mind right now are potatoes, and what I'm going to do today. Potatoes, because my mum made some really nice ones yesterday and I'm hungry.

So, that's yesterday, today and tomorrow as a unifying theme, and, it seems, potatoes. Man I'm a glutton.

Lunch break blog post

Dear Diary,

I had a wobbly yesterday. I think its fair to say that I'm a different person today than I was last night. My deeper feelings come out in unlikely triggers. Today I've been following up on small and niggly tasks: I looked up some postgrad oppurtunities, I have also emailed a couple of people from choir practice to help them look for jobs (I'm strangely very nice in my real life social persona). I just recieved an email about an upcoming stag party as well.

I have to say, in my limited experience as an adult. I fucking, love boys nights out. I have only been to one stag do in my experience, and that was horrible, but as I'm getting older as a man, I really appreciate the camaderie of being around other men, having a laugh and meeting new people. I get that from airsofting with my friends, and with this guy who is getting married, I only know a few of his friends, one of which is my brother, he's also marrying into my family, which is nice.

I need to apply to a lot more jobs. I have thankfully cleared a fuckload of tasks over the past few days. This is what one would call, the quiet weeks: no interviews, no social occaisions, not even very much work. I will have to make the most of my time, and yesterday wasn't a great example of this. I was a bit tired and sore so I couldn't go to pilates if I was being level headed with my body, since rest is very important.

I'm blogging to take a little break. I uninstalled skyrim from my computer, I have become far too tired of the glitches to continue playing, I'll open up my heart to a new game. It's good time since Mass Effect 3 is coming out. I'm such a whore for consumerism. Speaking of which, I had some down time yesterday and I watched some phone shop (my sister recommends it), and I saw Thor, and an episode of skins. Let's just say that the episode of skins was very emotional. It was really dark and I was totally surprised at how mature the plot development became.

Maybe I'll try to blog more of my feelings and thoughts through this blog. I know that I've put emotional things on the back burner lately, I've been feeling and experiencing a lot, and I have barely posted much of it. I'm getting really self conscious that I'm not a 'young man' anymore, and I'm starting to feel more comfortable in my skin, in some ways. It helps to exercise and work through these feelings. I don't think its all good about some of the feelings I tap into, however.

Onwards...

Intention envelopes.

Dear Diary,

From time to time, the real me surfaces. It's very worrying for me actually. The real me is like that episode of father ted when hackett finally becomes sober and he says DON'T TELL ME I'M STILL ON THAT FECKING ISLAND! (I may be combining two different episodes here). I had a trigger today, and its the most unusual thing. I went down stairs and thought I'd practice some piano. As I went in I noticed that there were two chairs, and neither were fit for purpose. At that moment my heart sank, I realised how inadequate things are in this house, how if I had middle class parents they would support me more with my cultural interests, but instead i'm left with my mulatto immigrant fucking parents who are 'doing their best' but it really isn't good enough at all.

I need a fucking music stool. I need a fucking tuned piano. I need there not to be any FUCKING ornaments above the piano that give harmonic resonance. I need the G note to have three fucking strings. I need UNA CORDA to work. NOTHING FUCKING WORKS. Its just like 1984 when Winston has no shaving blades. It's a symptom of a faulty society, a faulty life. I want my life to work. I want to be in a job that I can afford to properly live. This isn't about being able to afford a new piano, it's about being able to pay the fucking rent and bills.

I've already sussed that I won't get that job that I was offered last week.  I want my life to work. I want my FUCKING life back. Who took my fucking life away. Why cant these employers take me on. I'm trying so fucking hard, I'm trying harder than most people and I get nothing. They say its my attitude. HOW MUCH MORE DO I NEED TO CHANGE IN ORDER TO FIT IN. I'm tired of a world where I need to change because I'm not good enough. I'm tired of being told that I'm not good enough. I'm tired of trying so fucking hard to be good enough and then some white bastard with their entitlement tells me that 'you dont have to work so hard', FUCK YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT KONIGSBERG FUCK. I'm being torn apart by your standards and I can't live up to them, yet you need to do nothing and get rewarded for it. I'm tired.

I feel so  tired right now. I'm losing my ability for words, as my anger subsides and my sadness grows, I begin to lose my real self again, and I become some manufactured terrified house nigger who doesn't want to ruffle any feathers. I give up my authenticity to conform, I conform to survive and find acceptance, and in that way I find a new sense of identity through other-ness. The reality is, the darkness that I use as a comic device is so deep inside me, it's not a comic device. I'm glad if I can make it funny, but when you look at it in the nude, it is just ugliness.

Last week I was organising one of my old folders, and I wrote 'intention envelopes'. I wrote these a few years back, and I made a list of things that I really want to follow up and that I want, but I can't afford right now or just can't work right now. the really nice thing is that I've torn up half of those intention envelopes, but maybe I should write new ones. I feel quite relieved that I wrote all this anger. I feel tired now.

overdue january reflections

Dear Diary,

It's 1am, I've paced everything out, and I've basically spent January saying 'oh I'm so behind!' and in fairness, I have genuinely been behind, one week was because of internet, the other week was half because of internet and prepping for a big interview, this week just passed was about that interview and the backlog from having no internet, and the first week was about getting over new years. Christmas is long behind us now, and it's probably very near in subjective time when Christmas comes again. Life seems to go quickly, and feels like Nietzsche's eternal reoccurrence, the only thing that changes in this immortal cycle is that I get older, more people die, and I'm not really immortal: I die.

I'm catching up on blogs at the moment. I probably shouldn't say this but I met one of my blogging heroes, in the most unlikely of circumstances as well. I thought it wasn't appropriate to go all fanboy, who knows, maybe this was in some gay sauna while I was being fisted (it wasn't). Anyway, sometimes you need to realise that people you admire are also real people, and they poop, perspire and have other things to do. I got emotionally thrown by that, seeing this person in another context, but I suppose that shows how much of a fan I am. I've been blogging (on my professional blog) lately, catching up on the world, and catching up on my tasks. I have successfully saved a massive backlog and now I have time to reflect.

This week I haven't met many of my targets, job applications in particular. I have however, engaged with 2 interviews, booked a place at a stag party, went to see a film premiere (tl dr story so i wont go into), did a long one at work AFTER my interview and i did 3 days of training. The more I do, the more I realise how lonely I am. What is it exaclty that makes me lonely? I feel that I have few people to share my life with, few people to share my feelings, my experiences, my jokes, my woes. Its more than just sharing my feeelings and my cock (although that's great too).Maybe, in a few years, I might say this was a good week, a week that characterised exactly how active I keep in my life. I am active in my life and there is no denying that.

At the garden today I shared some hot chocolate. I felt it was a nice symbolic gesture, and most of all I found that they really enjoyed it in the snow, oh yeah I forgot to mention it's started to snow since last night and today has been beautiful. My book review has been published (yay), and although I can't to everything at once, I am making a good effort at maximin. I'm really lonely, with all my activity and all my thoughts, I have few people to share it with. I think that's the curse of having so many interests. I have friends that I can airsoft wtih and hold guns and pose with in a horse mask, and I have my new choir people, the garden people, my family and badminton buddies or even the people I enjoy working with.

I need to think to myself that I am on the cusp of a great inner and outer change. All this activity is going to a certain point, a certain outcome. Its nice to feel tired sometimes, because it means I don't have to think, and subsequently it also means I don't have to feel. I enjoy reading all these blogs and catching up however, because as I read about other people's lives, I live through my sympathy of them, I feel for them and experiecne them. I'm recently reading Gibbon's 'Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire', and I find great interest in the exotic and diverse situtations of the Roman History.

That reminds me, I need to follow up my emails and facebook messages. My friend who is divorcing messaged me, for instance. She's doing better lately, I'm really glad for her.

Back to 'work'

A bit of advice

Don't look up friends from university, it will just upset you as to how successful they are, and how you aren't.

I'm going to the gym, its either that or feel miserable about my pathetic life.

Dear Diary,

Today is 'catch up day'. My plans have been so far to catch up, and find time for the gym. I have so far done a bit of catching up, I've recieved news that my book review has been published and I have an extra shift at work. I feel like taking a break, either for some sustenance, or to just chill out for a bit. My dad is downstairs and he makes me uncomfortable, so I wont do any cooking for now. The past couple of days have been a blur, they have also been a massive drain on me emotionally and physically. I'm taking it slowly, I'm catching up with the news, current affairs and job searching. I wont meet my weekly targets for most activities, unfortunately.

 

I've found some music software which is giving me ideas. Other than that, it almost feels like a stupour day. I need to eat. But I hate when my dad is around.

beautiful boy

dear diary,

 

this is just a quick post. i've been really trying to catch up with sleep lately and failing to fully catch up with google calendar tasks after the interview on wednesday, thursday has been a matter of resting, friday (today) should involve some catching up. I ate a lot of food today, i slept a lot, it makes up for doing neither of the former and latter. I'm up at 3am right now, looking at baldness scales. I've been worried for the past week or so that i might begetting bald, however lately im more just looking at it for curiosity. I think a woman i know is on the balding scale, which made me verycurious about it. I don't think I am going bald as I did think a week ago, although its a fear in the back of my mind.

 

I have beautiful boy hair, that's why, and I'm starting to feel beautiful. Not handsome, or rugged, beautiful.That's what she used to call me, beautiful boy...i miss that