Antonia

Antonia calls me beautiful
Antonia says I am her dream lover
Antonia said to me she wants to make love to me in a hundred ways
Antonia says she loves me
Antonia is extremely sexual
Antonia wants me to massage her
Antonia wants to massage me
Antonia wants to satisfy all my sexual desires
Antonia loves my mind and intellect
Antonia texts me saying how she feels bliss when thinking of me
Antonia heard my weird sexual desires and said she is happy to fulfill them; because the ideas turn her on


So what's wrong?
Antonia isn't Marie...

Antonia; a miracle (too late?)

What is it that attracts me to single mothers? I came across (pun intended...) this lovely lady recently. Antonia is amazing for so many reasons;

1. She owns a business
2. She is beautiful and perfect
3. She has a wonderful emotional attitude
4. She has an interesting intellectual approach- not sure I approve of the things she believes, but she's open minded (something I need more of)
5. She has become very enamoured by me

Antonia said she would like to have sex with me; of course, she says its my choice, and that she doesn't ind being just friends; although she suggested that we could become lovers. She said it would be difficult for her NOT to fall in love with me; she said she finds my body sexy; she likes my lips, my hair, my skin. She told me that she fantasised about kissing me, holding me, being held by me, and other things that, to her admission, made her feel sexual.

I've told her that I'm a virgin, I've never kissed anyone, never had a relationship, have problems with anxiety, and I've told her about Marie.

Antonia seems to be very accomodating; and very very sensual; she does massage, yoga, tantric stuff...my goodness, she is simply amazing....

....but she isn't Marie...

It just isn't fair; a few months ago no one gave a shit about me. Now, I know the perfect girl who I have a tainted connection to, and a Goddess knocks on my door for my heart...I know some of you might envy that. But I must be sincere to both. I cannot just enjoy sex and emotional connections willy nilly; I will be hurting both if I 'play'.

I often thought what i would do in such situations; my answer was: have none of them.

I think I will do a vow of chastity for the new year. That's my resolution. I think that will make me feel more assured; having a no-sex, no-love policy decided for me already...well, Romantic love; anyway.

More things to say from me...

1. Talking to Marie this week
2. Radio interview for depression

Homecoming

Coming back home is one of those student-things people go through. As an undergrad; I welcomed the reunion of old friends, the drinking, the debauchery, watching my friends get laid...from afar, and in jealousy.

Now that I've graduated; what is there to life? Well, I'm an adult now, some friends have started paid employment, others still students; myself, I'm a postgrad...

Coming home, so, what is there to expect?

1. My parents seeing how I have changed: loss of weight (due to purging)
2. My parents seeing how I have changed: concern about appearance (see 1.)
3. My parents seeing how I have changed: Ear Piercing!
4. My parents/friends seeing how I have changed: Attitude (Marie)
5. Returning to the place of my past: implications: nostalgia, resolvement, closure, opening old wounds
6. Reunion with friends, old and recently departed from my university city.
7. Thinking about Marie...
8. Gaining weight...I need to purge more, but its hard to do so with my family around.
9. My laptop died, so no porn, or academic work for a while...

Oh well, I'm not sure how I'm going to survive 'Christmas (calorie) dinner'...

I guess I'll try and learn that word; "no", and more difficultly, say no to myself when I see the lovely turkey, the succulent gravy...God give me strength. I need to improve my body...I must lose more weight

On positive news; I bought lots of new clothes from Gap and stuff; I am now a MEDIUM!

I need to do more - I have 50-60lbs worth of shame to get rid of...I've lost 40 since september 1st

After Marie

Well, I haven't heard from Marie really since that drunken night...

I guess I ruined it. I can't turn back the clock. During the whole Marie ordeal, I have come across a few other girls who have been very nice to me and seem to want to get closer to me; I've told you about Claire, I've heard from my friend Alan (a friend of Claire) that she is with another guy; god for her, I say. SHe's a lovely girly.

There have been a few other girls, there is this 26 year old mother of one who is very very hot who has been very kind to me, and suggesting that I should come over for a cuddle with her. The single mother (lets call her Antonia) does turn me on a little bit, and she seems like the kind of gal who has all the things I desire, she is intelligent, sensual, sexy, caring, yet independent, strong yet delicate. Very maternal, and that appeals to my oedipal side.

There is another girl; but her, I think more of a sister; or a teddy bear. I run an online support group and she has eventually come to be infatuated with me, I feel very flattered, but I must be responsible and I have told her that nothing can happen; because of the distance, and also because I'm just not in the same place as her emotionally. It feels odd to have so much female attention these days; and these wonderful and beautiful girls stating their intentions at me. But, I want Marie...and I just can't have anyone else right now, and if I can't have Marie, it just wouldn't feel right to have anyone else...ever...

I should just feel happy that there is such beauty in Marie that exists in this world, even if I can't have her as mine, I should just be happy that I know there is such an exemplar of the idea of beauty...

Conatus

Childishness

"I can't have the one thing I want.", If this is the case; how am I to respond?

i. Boo Hoo
ii. 'Boo Hoo'!

The first expression is a genuine sadness, a sadness that I cannot have that which I yearn for.

The latter expression is a bit of an afterthought, after all the tears; all the hurt. I realise I am just a glorified child. The child wants the attention of another, or wants an object to claim as his own. How am I, in my infatuation with Marie, in my slow decay of my integrity and my emotions, in my being reminded of her at every moment, a tall girl, a girl with dark hair, a girl with short hair, a beautiful girl...all remind me of her. Even certain songs remind me of her. How is this any different from the predicament of the child?

WIth the child; we tell her to grow up and mature and realise that what she want's she cannot have. With the adult, with me, do you tell me to grow up and stop thinking about her? Do you tell me to move on? Do you tell me 'there are other fish in the sea'?

I don't want fish. I want Marie.

I can't have her...I have to move on with what is left of life.

Maybe I should take a chastity oath; that way it gives me a goal to keep up; and to have something to aspire to in being celebate; dedicated.

Who is to blame for this whole ordeal? Me? Well, some of you might say 'don't blame yourself!'; maybe this was one of those circumstances where there are victims but no vicimisers, Like an earthquake; very often do people blame God; but where does there have to be someone intentional to blame, even when there is a great tragedy; perhaps that is some fallacious moral intuition we have. Even if there is no one to blame, even if I am not to blame for feeling this way; that I involuntarily became infatuated by her, her beauty, her charm, her inner soul...I thought I found a kindred spirit. I think she is kindred; but perhaps, too close to reality, she shut me off, just like how I do to those I care about. Sometimes similarities are undesirable.

What else has happened this week?

• Response from NHS
• Failed driving test
• Weight has gone below 200lbs
• Marie - can't stop thinking about her
• Marie- I am feeling jealousy of the prospect she will be with someone else
• Marie - I am feeling isolated without her; after opening up to her, I am again cold; alone.
• I have started reading a bit more; engaged in one of my 'big projects'; that involves a reading of a key text for my masters.

What can I hope?

• PhD prospects?
• Doing my MA
• Having a future
• Improving my depression
• Losing more weight
• [What about Marie? - those things mean nothing if I am but an empty vessell of a soul. No warm arms, no tender lips, no caring caress anyone else could ease me right now but hers. I guess, losing her means I must continue my life with a new kind of suffering; a new kind of lonliness....I need to grow up, but for now, baby needs to cry a little while...
  

Angry at me

She was mad at me. All I do is complain. She's right. I mean; this whole blog is my complaints of the world. I should improve. I'm a big dickhead rightnow. I should just humble myself and not be so selfish. I'm sorry. I'm such a jerk. I am an insensitive jerk.

I'm not going to take this moral too far; insofar as to blow this failure of mine out of proportion; I've done some improvements this week. I need to learn a bit more how to be caring, and not so selfish all the time. I'm so worried about her.

I'm a big idiot, an insensitive moron. I will learn from my mistake. I have to be more considerate to her. I'm going to cry for a moment, then try and get on with my day; there isn't anything I can do for her at the moment; so I have to do the other things I have to do.

Yours stupidly,
Conatus

I'm just not good enough

Positives:

1. Marie invited me to a get-together for her birthday
2. Marie hugged me and gave me a peck on the cheek a couple of times, saying she appreciated the gift and coming along (but that's how she acts around everyone). I did at one point while she gave some guys hugs, she gave me a hug and kissed me gently on the cheek. It feels so unreal
3. I gave her a present on Friday; and she hugged me later on when we were on our own; she then expressed quiet concern for my wellbeing. The same was of last night; she said to me 'get some sleep', she whispered it, as if to show her true self.

Negatives:

1. I find this passion difficult to bear
2. I have so much work to do
3. I am so distracted
4. She is in my dreams
5. She is giving me hope that I cannot cash out
6. There are so many other (better) guys who know her; I can't compete with them
7. SHe is perfect; I don't want anyone other than her. I can't have her, therefore, I don't want anyone else
8. Corollorary: I am on my own again

Dying alone

Hope is a weird thing. Being positive is a motivating constitutent of action; yet is hope really something that can be fulfilled?

It seems, that when we hope for something, we believe that a state of affairs will obtain; this may include:

• Finding love
• Finding good health (for yourself or another)
• Finding an answer to a deliberative issue
• Finding meaning (same as above really, just restated in verstehende terms)

To hope is to believe our calamity has a point where it will be resolved. The hope for the Christian is that Jesus' act of salvation means their suffering being resolved, their dream of the afterlife will all have culmination.

I wonder what hope I have; I wonder where my future lies. Will my desires ever be obtained? I feel not; my desire to find love, my desire to find a future I can feel comfortable with? I feel a bit of a tendency to limit what I desire, or, have it not so important to me that I ever find the object of my desire. Is this even possible? Let me give piecemeal examples, perhaps.

• We can curb desires and change our habits, like overeating, or even for contrast, undereating
• We can curb addictions, albeit very difficultly
• Many people who lose the thing that they use to define themselves, sometimes (albeit difficultly) come to terms with that loss and reform their preferences and goals

Its okay to change your mind, that seems to be true in almost all cases; so long as it is on reasonable grounds.

What do I hope for? If I ask myself that right now, as I sit here in the univeristy late in the day, tired, uncomfortable, my wrists strained from typing all day, my eyes in pain, my mood, somewhat subdued, defeated, and a little residual distress from my earlier events, I answer this:

• I wish Marie would talk to me more &
• I wish I could see Marie more, even if just as a friend &
• I wish I had someone to cuddle *
• I wish I had something nice to eat
• I wish I had more confidence
• I wish I had a more attractive body
• I wish I had more stamina
• I wish I read more
• I wish I could be good enough to do a PhD
• I wish I could be an academic

Things put with [&] I do not actively seek because I don't want to pressure Marie, she is a person with intentions and desires and a will, and if my desires involve her she must be consenting to them.

Things marked with [*] I try not to seek as a matter of character. I'd feel almost insincere if I went out one day, or one night, as many to, to find someone with whom I could be close to. I don't say to myself, 'perhaps tomorrow is the day I find her'. Well, in principle I think that!

The other ones, I think I am working towards; I control my eating (sometime by purging), I do occaisional physical training, I read a lot towards my Masters. I try to push myself a bit more in social situations, take risks that in the past I wouldn't have and regretted long afterwards, like saying 'hello' to a girl, or an unknown person (gender nonspecific).

As I lose weight, my body becomes more attractive, I like seeing my skeletal features, and feeling bony parts of me. I still have a long way to go to have that body I so desire, I also have been using quite a few cosmetic products: facials, post-shave cream, anti-wrinkle cream, and the like. I think I feel comfortable in the style of clothes I wear.

I should try to be optimistic because: my body is looking better, I am making motions towards the dream of being an academic, and my confidence on occaision is better

I am as a matter of fact, feeling low, or even just numb: because Marie isn't talking that much to me, I get the distinct impression that she is ignoring me or purposely not talking to me that much; furthermore, I feel like I'm not good enough for her, and reminded, nay, brought to realisation of the reality that I will die alone, and I will always be alone. What I want most sometimes is just a cuddle, just someone to care about me and someone to think about me when I am too weak or too distressed to think about me, someone to remind me that I am still human, and that I still exist, and that I am a certain kind of person, even when I do not feel that way. Someone to touch me when I feel such despair; that I remember, that I am part of a world with other people, and I don't have to be alone. What I want most is not some noble intellectual ideal; what I want is just someone to love me (in the non romantic, but simply human sense, like how a mother loves a child).

As a corollorary point, I kind of feel sympathetic to that Fruedian notion of the oedipus complex for the said reason; not because I want to do anything sexual with my mother! But I miss that amount of love and affection she used to give me and make me feel. I miss that love I used to have; I guess I feel sometimes that I want just to be back in the womb; or how I imagine the womb, as being in a big warm vat of liquid in perfect comfort and being sustained completely by another, who loves me greatly. I admire mothers, they love their child so much, and pregnant women look HOT.

I'd so much preferr affection than any meaningless physical interaction. I guess, in answer to a comment made on a previous point, that is my fear about sexuality. I'm not really sure how I should express it! (well, there is wanking of course, but I don't need to say anything about that!; nor does it seem important to sexual identity...maybe I'll write a post on wanking in the future...). Damn, and I tried to end this post sounding serious. Its important to have a laugh once in a while. Especially with a life like mine.

Striving,

Conatus

Confidence

I heard from an old friend from facebook the other day; he's 17/18 now (I'm an old 21). This dude was a little tyke when I was a senior prefect in college; I was part of a group that used to be respected in the music department. This guy (lets call him Shane) was a legend; he was far better than all of us, and I thought to myself; imagine how this guy will bloom in his last year at College...now he's in that stage. I'm so proud of him. He is continuing the music life that I abandoned.

On friday, he had his last St. Cecilia's concert. I remember my St. Cecilia's concerts. I lacked confidence; and there was a point towards the end of my music life when I gained confidence at performing; but I didn't have confidence with girls!

Recently, I have been a little bit more confident; I am doing things that I thought were impossible for a guy like me. I get text messages from girls, talk to girls, I went on a couple of dates, and I even am helpful and supportive to people. I feel a real sense of connection with people, or at least sometimes, before my depression eats me up.

I think I am able to be myself a little more; I'm a little shy, but I don't want to be too imposing or forward with the opposite sex; be polite, listen to them, and be friendly. I really don't like flirting. I should avoid it entirely! Men are just women with penises who can't have babies (they do have boobs like women...).

I hope my confidence grows; but I think I will remain alone in life. What I want most these days is a big cuddle with someone, where I fall asleep in their arms, and feel comfort in their touch. My sexual desire has gone down a bit with my medication, and after reading so much. I am kind of scared of sexuality. I think its better I stay a virgin and never be in a relationship. I guess I'm the kind of loser guy who can't find a girl, anyway.

In other news; I am starting to work hard at my graduate degree, and I am starting to like my changing body.

Yours,
Conatus

Triggers

A trigger is something that reminds you of a painful or difficult experience. Sometimes when people talk about mental illness, it is a trigger for those who have come across it in the past. If, for example, you had a loved one named Caroline who recently died; and you met a lady named Caroline, you shall associate her (or her name) with your loved one; and feel sorrow; and that is how a trigger operates.

I have had triggers since my incarceration. Things reminding me of the hospital; or things leading up to it. More often, triggers come to me in normal social contact with people; sometimes I pause, or some tears suddenly well within me. I don't know how to expose all the triggers. Let me list some of them:

i. People who look like my incarcerators
ii. Mentioning people who go to hospital
iii. Mentioning mental illness
iv. Low quality food
v. Certain phrases (such as 'I'm on your side')
vi. Certain smells
vii. Certain facial characteristics
viii. Certain names

A precis of my recent week

1. I got humiliated in a debate
2. My friends remind me of 1.
3. I spent the evening chatting to a lovely girl in the pub; it was a discussion group but only the two of us turned up!
4. I chatted to Marie a few times; and she told me that she also purges; she feels despair a great deal, and I told her that I think she is beautiful, I care about her, and chatting to her makes me feel better and it means a lot to me.
5. Marie talks differently in public than on MSN; she has difficulties expressing herself interpersonally and is afraid to be open.
6. I hear Claire has found another guy, good for her :)
7. I am taking a massage class, and today I did a charity event and massaged 3 people; two guys and a girl. I undid her bra strap to give her a back massage. I have never touched a girl's back before, hell, I've never touched a girl before! I loved feeling how certain parts of her body were cold, and others were warm, I loved the softness of her flesh, and the bony and hard parts, the body is a whole mix of textures, a planet of pleasure. Massaging the guys was fun too. I loved feeling their taut muscles, and making jokes with them. I use a different voice when I massage; gentle, soft, and higher pitched; friendly, comforting, safe. Massaging people (especially girls) makes me feel more confident as a person, it is not just the touching physically, but the talking; asking them how they find the pressure, putting my hands on them to express assurance, and the communication is what really helps me feel confident.
8. I gained 6lbs, then I lost 7lbs. I find that I lose weight quickly by purging, but slowly gain if I eat. Ideally I shouldn't purge, but I am trying to find the equal balance of fitness and eating; I am starting to feel sexy, I'm starting to feel like I am a sexual, male, adult being. I like it; I'm scared, but I like this new image of myself, instead of a puddle of nothing that hates himself.
9. It has been 1 week since the event-of-which-I-cannot-speak

In summary:

• I am getting closer to Marie
• I spent this evening talking to a girl about the emotions and just being myself, and non-flirty and non-hitting-on-her-ish. Just talking. I loved it!
• I massaged a sexy girl in the back and undid her bra. I was so nervous, but I love touching the female body; it is divine!

Telephone etiquette (going badly) and mental illness stigma

Ever since the event of last year; I find it so distressing to be in a phonecall that I just end it. I suppose it does seem very rude, or angry. I normally wouldn't have been able to do it, but I have lost something in me that were to normally hold me back.

I've been hung up on, and sometimes it really hurt, lets give instances:

1. My university's nightline hung up on me 5 times: they have this phrase "I'm sorry but Nightline does not think we can help you so we are terminating the call", then they hang up.
2. Samaritans says similar, or, they ask you to speak up, or very odd condescending questions like "I have to have my coffee break can I pass you on to my colleague?"; they also put the phone down after 45 minutes
3. "You are a repeat caller and we are terminating this call" - A local Mind helpline

It hurts so much. I find it so hard to trust anyone, even my close friends. It hurts so much, I'm so alone. I'm glad I have this blog to express myself, albeit through a fake name. I have been so embarrassed to tell anyone about these phonecalls and the way they treated me, because these organisations are there to help people like me; I don't want to take them down or criticise them for their intention to help, but they hurt me bad and treated me in a stigmatising and inhumane way.

Conatus

Impotent

Impotent is the word of the day. I am unable to help her. She was feeling despair today, she went offline, so I phoned her, she wouldn't answer, and gave me a text saying she will be okay tomorrow.

I need to help her. I need her to be okay. I told her:

1. I will do anything to help her
2. I am always here
3. I am worried about her
4. I think she is amazing
5. I think she is strong
6. I can help her

I want her to be alright, that is more important than my own infatuation with her. Duty before passion.

Conatus

My second ever date!

I went on my second ever date today with 'Claire'. She kissed me on the cheek when we met up, then we went to a museum, and a cafe inside said museum. She was insistent that she would buy my drink. I had a peppermint tea and water, she had a really bitter lemonade, she asked me to try it, so I did, it was indeed bitter.

We talked about our family, our lives, our past, embarrassing thigns about ourselves, and sentimental objects we have. We talked until they said the cafe was closing. When we left all the lights were put off in the museum! I then walked her home.

Why don't I feel great that I have had another date? Because of Marie. I think Marie is amazing. I told a friend about how I feel about her, and he said 'she will be good for practice'. What a fucking bastard. My friend is a cunt.

On the other front. I think I lost some friends; I also have been very aggressive, and I am apparently very different in behaviour around people. For the worse. I guess I am a jerk, and I'm getting the girl attention too. I am the very thing I hate.

At least I'm not a dateless loser

Lets be positive:

1. Today is the day of my second date; I'm going out with a girl who actually wants to go out with me and perhaps even enjoys my company
2. I have met Marie, who is simply amazing.
3. I'm getting closer to my dream of being an academic
4. I've lost about 30lbs in the past 2 months

Lets be negative:

1. Last night I alienated most of my good friends
2. I am increasingly aggressive
3. I am increasingly hostile
4. I am uncreasingly unfriendly
5. I am not interested in going out with Claire
6. I'm ugly and fat
7. I am not reading enough
8. I'm exhausted
9. I'm in need of constant reviewal and revaluating my attitude
10. I have made my life more difficult to live
11. I'm lost
12. I get bad memories

Life is surreal

Okay. I've told you about the girl who gave me her number. Let's call her Marie. Then there is another girl who has wanted to go out with me for a long time but never actually planned anything. Lets call her Claire.

Marie found out about my mental illness, and she also found out about the support group I run on the internet. Marie told me she also feels lonliness, fatigue and and sadness. Now she has opened up to me in a way I am not sure what to do. I feel I have to help her, I must do what I can to help her get through this difficulty. The irony is that she also hides behind a mask, like I do, in social interactions.

So Marie seems to have opened up to me. I have opened up to her. But does she want anything more from me? I don't know. I feel increasingly drawn to her, increasingly enamoured by her presence, her feelings, her interests, her attitude, her views...I wonder how she feels about me!

So while all this happens, Claire asks me out! I thought it is just coffee and a chat, then life is normal again; but she wants to go to the museum and see exhibits!! I'm not so sure about Claire; she's really imposing and touchy and calls me affectionate things, that's nice and all, but she doesn't have the gentility and sweetness that Marie does...

Marie is constantly in my thoughts, and I feel horrible that she is going through such difficulty. I wish I knew what to do for her.

On another note; I have not lost enough weight. I've lost some, but not as steep as the gradient I am used to. I'm not purging enough, it seems.

I have been feeling like shit, too, by the way. This whole ordeal with girls is complicating my already difficult life. Marie is so beautiful; she blows your mind. It is tragic she is in such pain.

My life sure feels like a soap opera! The bloggosphere is more fun with reality than it ever is with fiction.

Balancing the good with the bad

Good things this week:

1. I have been making increasing contact with a girl who is very sweet; she said how she really enjoys talking to me; she says how we agree on a lot of things; she has listened to some music I recommended to her.
2. People in my online support group tell me how amazing I am for creating the group; for caring about them, for looking out for them, for getting them all together for support.
3. My confidence and anxiety around the opposite sex are easing
4. I am apparently getting a reputation around students as an intellectual, maybe even a powerhouse.

Bad things this week:

1. My supervisor told me off
2. I missed a seminar
3. A close friend criticises my behaviour regularly
4. Another close friend is trying to gain credit for things I do and say
5. The (aforementioned) girl is benig hit on, it seems, but lots of other guys, who are 18 years old, no baggage; emotional, physical, mental; more attractive, smart, funny, sociable, confident...I feel I don't have a chance
6. I am having personality problems
7. I have had a lot of bad dreams about the past; as if it haunts me in my dreams
8. I cried in the chaplaincy today
9. I am dying inside
10. I am nothing
11. I am a fraud
12. I am a liar; I'm not who I appear to be in social contact; I hide much pain inside me.
13. I am not reading enough

Why the doctors think I am crazy

1. I have never experienced a relationship

2. I am not like everyone else; partying, complete self disregard, sexual overtness.

3. I am apparently 'paranoid' because hospital staff abused me in the past. Apparently its irrational to fear people you trust breaking your trust, confidentiality, your spirit and your life. Its like being raped and calling ME the sicko.

4. I ask them questions about medicine and scientific method

5. I am overly 'theatrical' - apparently, if they abuse me and my response is to be PISSED OFF; I am 'hysterical' and inappropriate.

It seems the state can do what it wants and calls it justified. Thank you Thomas fucking Hobbes; you cunt.

Sadness, regret...hope

My goodness!

I have had a pretty hectic couple of days! I got contact from a trust manager who is responsible for abusing me (well, her underlings did it). This is an ongoing thing, but whenever I come back to it, I am always distressed by the memories of what happened; the event-that-I-am-not-ready-to-speak-of.

Anyway; I got a phone call from the incompetent manager RIGHT before my seminar; but then, as I did, something happened. I realised the manager was a woman; my mood changed; and my whole appreciation of the seminar just dropped and I was filled with distress. I called her again later and was VERY angry. My voice changes, as does my personality, attitude, and to some extent, beliefs. I become a different person, in a sense. This feeling of being overwhelmed by anger sentiment was so much that I had to run to the chaplaincy and cry in the quiet room. I find it physically difficult to cry, so when the feelings are overwhelming, I get express a lot of hurt through my tears. There is a certain wonder in the sadness, a certain warmth. A certain sense of intimacy with myself; honest; sensitivity. When I cry, I am most human; most beautiful, most ugly, most me.

Tears make me pensive; more so than usual. Being a philosophy postgrad aside; I really examined myself in a strict and honest way. What happened in November 2006 is something I suppose I want to move on from. Something that has changed the scope of my life and now I must simply continue. From that point any improvement that happens, is, essentially, empty, irrelevant, immaterial. I feel I've already lost something very important. I am broken, damaged, hurt, reject, refuse.

I went to a discussion group for a student society later on in the day; after drying my tears a little. A friend noticed something was wrong; I felt so horrible I didn't even care that people found out. I wonder what it would be like to tell people about my real identity; my real life as 'conatus'. Where I feel despair, anguish, hatred, jealousy, regret, and perseverence; instead of the fake smug, happy, funny, offensive, jockular, empathetic, helpful and active person I make myself appear. I feel like there are two images of who I am; two disjunct, yet fundamentally identical elements that constitute me.

I found out there were too many people in the group, so, we had to split into two. Lo and behold, I was the one who (again) had to lead a group. I was fairly mixed between being competent and incompetent. I didn't want to run a discussion group and be a chair; having to control people from speaking too much or being too controlling and dogmatic. I don't want to talk about that; although running discussion groups seems to be something I have developed an increasing competence in; or, should I say, something in which I have increasingly been put into a role of.

As the discussion ended; I went around to talk with the people whom which I 'talked at', to my amazement, I found someone who I felt I could be somewhat philosophical about myself to. I was talking about the emotions, Socrates' question, and corollary to the latter; what I value (music, reason, trying to live). The girl eventually said she had to go, as it was getting late. As she left I felt she left a distinct impression on me. I felt a certain warmth from her sweetness, her sincerity, and the agreement we maintained together. Yes, we actually agreed on things! Maybe she's smart, or I'm good at arguing!

Some time later, she ran back to the room that we were in at the pub. She said she wanted to continue the conversation. Gasp! My heart nearly stopped, I tried to maintain my normal cool and calm appearance, but inside I was jumping and racing all over the place. Alarm bells went off: WHAT DO I DO!!!

I tried not to show my smile; a smile of embarrassment, of fear, of a sense of joy. She gave me her number, and I gave her a text to apologise for keeping her for so long. She then replied and said she hopes to continue our chat. I should be as pessimistic as possible in this instance. What is the least I can derive from this?

1. She wants to talk again
2. She may contact me again
3. She has my number
4. I may see her again
5. She wants to talk more about the nature of the emotions; Socrates' question; and more pastoral matters

I should try and just forget about the whole incident. I mean, I feel tempted to think about her now! Thinking about her, and speculating, hoping, the eternal maybe always keeps coming to my mind. I must be ambivalent to my old wants, my perennial goals that I used to have. I am supposed to be a grad student. I should be reading all day and nothing more. I am empty, a philosopher; I am hardly a man.

Those few joys we have in life, the ones which are very finite; are what makes life wonderful. It is perhaps they are so few of those experiences, that we cherish them. I do not seek to live without the passions, but I do hope to have a better grasp of them. Spinoza teaches us to identify the genesis of that which affects us so as not to affect our other affects in relation to others. At the moment, I very much feel a slave of the passions, a slave to the thoughts and curiosities of this girl. I have no chance, and I never do. I should just carry on as normal, and if anything develops in this story, fair enough; but I shouldn't make it part of my plans. My plans are to sort out settling down back in uni, and then studying and studying some more, then I may in the distant future have the hope I once had as the boy I used to be; my boyhood dream to be a philosopher. I wanted very much to go this far. Now I have the chance. I should concentrate on THAT goal; as it is something very special to me. Whereas passions, on the other hand, are ever more fleeting.

To find control; such is the life of conatus, the life of striving.

A better day

Last night I went to a party; it was nice. I knew a couple of people; although my friend who invited me (as a friend of a friend of the host that I was), was the main connection to everyone else as I didn't know many of the others.

As I checked my mails today; I found an interesting one. It is from a girl! Not just any girl; a girl who is nice to me! She called me 'sweetie' and suggested we meet up sometime for a chat. I'm kind of scared; I've only been on one date in my life (maybe I'll tell you about that later). I hope I don't puke in anxiety on any possible meet I have with a cute girl.

I'm scared, really scared; but ironically, the thing I fear is the thing I desire. We as people are really odd...

Anyhoo, I have 100 pages of metaphysics to read.

Toodles

New, but not 'fresh'

I'm a new student again. A postgraduate this time. I have been in this university for three years now; but in this next year; I begin anew. Things are going to be different this time. Things have to be different.

Let me tell you what happened this week:

Sunday: Homeless
Monday: Registration (homeless)
Tuesday: Found a potential flat (homeless)
Wednesday: Signed contract (last day of homelessness)
Thursday: Met my new colleagues and lecturers/tutors
Friday: I did some training, which I haven't done for the past year. I am exhausted.

This week I have been feeling:

1. Anger - at the past
2. Loss - of my lack of undergraduate 'craziness'
3. Hope - for the future
4. Strength (emotion)- to carry on
5. Weakness (physical) - walking around makes me tired and sweaty
6. Anxious - I want to make a good impression; I am also intimidated by some of the postgraduates, teaching staff, and demons from the past
7. Scared (general) - There are lots of new people around and I want to make a good impression; I want to make new friends and start things right
8. Nervous (pertaining to female contact) - There are lots of new people; and some of them are female! Females scare me, and I am scared and uncomfortable about talking to girls; my friends from college tell me about how contact with the scare-er sex is a mind game; I completely disagree with them; but I still feel uncertain and afraid to make a faux pas among female company. There are norms concerning the conduct with people of different social status; how to talk to elders, professionals, colleagues, family, casual relations, sexual partners, romantic attachments, children, pets, slaves and so on. I have not yet mastered the tacit premises that are entailed upon social contact. I wish I could just treat everyone in the same respectful manner. Referring to people as 'Sir', 'Miss', 'Father', 'Magister', 'Professor' and so on.
9. Horny!! - I am a little perverted; but I must admit that there are a lot of attractive females about. I feel a conflict between my social inadequacy, and my raging sexual desire. I seem to displace conflicting or at least dissonant sentiments; the former, is a nervousness which causes me to purge, a sense of worthlessness and a sense of eagerness to be polite and respectful; the latter, by contrast, is a strong physical urge to do that thing that people to do make more people; and admire the wonderful feminine form. I am extremely aroused these days! Its good I know its still working after the Sertraline I've been on.

Things I can look forward to:

1. Studying
2. Having a better body (I am going to training again today)
3. Looking better
4. Feeling better
5. Making new friends (I am going to a party today!)
6. Having more confidence
7. Getting closer to my dream
8. Making new dreams
9. Looking for a job
10. Getting a driving license
11. Maybe talking to more nice girls

Highlights of this week:

1. Being recognised as a postgraduate by a couple of lecturers and the subsequent congratulations
2. Being helpful to others new who are to the university
3. Talking to a lovely girl who was scared of doing a philosophy degree; I gave her a bit of assurance and encouragement to be strong and persevere; she was kind of cute, too! (but maybe it is inappropriate to think that because I am too old?; furthermore, its kind of pervy and even rude to think of a pleasant and funny girl as a lovely and sweet person. I really don't know about how to think or feel about these issues!)
4. Meeting old friends; who seemingly care about me - I do feel very much alone at times; so this aura of concern they put out is troubling to understand.
5. I got some messages on facebook about the depression group I run. They were words of comfort and support; words of thanks that I created the group and brough so many people with depression together in the name of mutual support and comforting each other. I love all of the people in that group and I feel so sad for their calamity

Housing woes

1. I can't find a place to live for monday.
2. I have been constantly rejected for accomodation.
3. I was ditched by someone to be in their party so they could find a place on their own.
4. I don't want to be homeless for monday.
5. I feel I am on my own struggling to do this.
6. I feel no one will help me in the way that I need.
7. Time is running out.
8. My anxiety is getting really bad; I've been going through nearly a bottle of rescue remedy.

I've been praying; but I accept Jesus might not help me. I'm not sure what to feel about that.

Anxiety

I've started to purge after every meal. I feel an immense amount of anxiety in the leadup to the start of my Masters degree. In a way; I have no expectations for the future, but in other ways; I seem hopeful for the future. Lets distinguish two strains of thinking on the issue:

Positives

1. I have gotten into a Masters programme at a fairly decent university
2. I am closer to my teenage dream of getting a PhD
3. I am losing weight
4. I have a chance to start anew as a postgraduate
5. I have a chance to start my life again

Negatives

1. I have the stigma of being ugly
2. I have the stigma of having few friends
3. I have the stigma of being mentally ill
4. I have the stigma of being disabled
5. I have the stigma of lack of life experience; fun undergraduate life
6. I have the stigma of lack of life experience; sex
7. I have the stigma of lack of life experience; romantic relationships (emotional)
8. I have the stigma of lack of life experience; romantic relationships (physical)
9. I have the stigma of being overweight
10. I have problems with anxiety which do not make me fit in
11. I have no confidence
12. I'm scared (I want a cuddle)

A beautiful body

If you want it bad enough, you can get it. 16 days ago, I decided, I want it! I want it badly. I will do anything to get it, and I believe it can happen, I can have it. I now have hope, and I don't want you to take that from me. Taking hope from a person is like removing truth from mathematics.

What is this thing I want? Beauty. I want a better body. I hate my current body. I hate it with a passion. It is as if I take all the thing that are bad about my life and take it unto one thing, that all my anger and fears and objects of anxiety conflate to one (false) idol, one object. My body.

I know its not the answer to all the problems, I need more confidence, I need to be more assertive and studious. But a better body is one thing I can do while I build on all those other things. If I have a better body then maybe a girl will like me and I will feel good about myself, and not feel stigmatised for my involuntary celebacy. I won't be a loser anymore. I still have a lot of work to do...

Today I purged:

1. Roast chicken
2. Gravy
3. Cola
4. Potatoes
5. Apple bramble
6. mixed vegetables
7. Croissant

I'm a calorie whore, and now I want to be calorie celebate. I purge for the dream of a better body. I feel that in purging, that I express in one action, the hatred I have for myself, the self-contempt for my failings, my weakness, my inadequacy.

A typical day in hell

They say that Hell is the place where Jesus' salvation is rejected. Hell is the rejection of God. Hell is certainly a privation, a rejection. Today I went out with friends to a film. It was a teen movie about guys who were inept with women, like I used to be as a teen. Except, in true hollywood fashion; they live happily ever after and the guy gets the girl.

My life? There is no happily ever after. Yes, maybe I am closer to the one thing that is important to me; my career as an academic philosopher; but I'm still a pathetic loser, I don't have the girl, I don't have closer with my past, I don't have some resolution with my friends and family, and I don't have a smile on my face or even a hope for the future.

What do I have? Purging, a qualification that can only get me one job, memories of being great. Today I hardly ate ANYTHING at all. I ate a couple of bananas, some water, a cider, then purged, and then a chicken fillet. I hope I lose weight soon. I have been graduating from XL shirts to L. I'm kind of glad I am eating myself away.

Yours, a Fat 36' waist, 226lb bastard.

Introduction

Contatus means striving. Spinoza believed that all things have a 'conatus', or a striving to be. This striving characterises human existence and that of the rest of the natural world. This blog is about my striving. My struggle.

This is my life. Anonymous. Candid. Naked. Honest but not necessarily clear. This is my striving.

Striving for what? you may ask. I can ask you the same thing. What do YOU strive for? What would you answer? My answer? I don't know what I strive for. Perhaps understanding, perhaps comfort from pain, perhaps love, perhaps lust, perhaps my own end. Time shall make it clear as I record my failures and occaisional triumphs, for I am, he, the one who strives.