Dear Diary,

I've had a few panic attacks in the past few days.

Not been able to be on top of things as I would have liked. It all started on wednesday at around 4pm. I went off to get some laundry and I noticed that there was a horrible cock smell in the house (and not my cock - one of the guys i invited for jamming). That really put me off.

Then (this is hard for me to talk about). I had to turn down a prestigious interview at ...a prestigious media company because I was working at the sentinel. This is maybe the 2nd time I got an interview from this place but I made a prior commitment to working at the Sentinel which is inflexible.

In other news, I got an extra shift this month at Shambly. That makes 5 shifts to work in Shambly (including the new shambly annex venue). That's going to help with my worries about money.

I haven't been talking much because I had an emotional trigger about turning down this INCREDIBLE ONCE IN A LIFETIME JOB INTERVIEW THAT I HAD A 1/4 CHANCE OF GETTING because I committed myself already.

I have had a series of panic attacks since about wednesday...and it's fucked up my emotional ecosystem since then.

I only properly got out of bed from about midday, then I went back to bed again. I only did proper stuff in the house since about...3:30pm maybe? I am tempted to get some dirty takeaway tonight...need some comfort food pretty badly. I don't think it's a good idea. I have a ton of frozen food and other foodstuffs in the house.

I got a ton of housework to do as well. The only thing motivating me right now, is the prospect of Hannah coming over tomorrow morning and...getting ready to go to the gym right now. I want to go to the gym and do a class right now. I will have made 5 hours of training this week if I did go tonight. Come on, Conatus...pull your fucking socks up.

Having the panic attacks lately, and feeling intense sadness...reminds me of a worse person that I used to be...

Anyway. I'm off to the gym now.

Goodbye

Dear Diary,

MIssed two potential shifts because I was COOKING. The fucking irony. Doing something positive and miss something positive. I keep telling myself that positive thigns happen if I get out of bed. Instead I just have endless work.

Things I did on monday

• Housework
• Cooking for tuesday (big dinner with the crew coming over after badminton)
• Anxiety
• Archiving
• Blog writing
• Clarinet practice
• Piano practice
• Email catchup
• Manscaping
• Offered my availability RE: March shifts 
• Purchased Clarinet study book
• Purchased Earphones
• Recieved placement information
• Youtube catchup
• Read some more of the black metal book
• Body Combat

And I feel like a failure. 

Dear Diary,

I was thinking of asking out the girl from tastebuds.fm - but it would be an obvious pretext to asking her over to my place and making a move. Either that sounds suave and cool, or just me being honest and saying 'I like you and I want to kiss you and put my pee pee into your noo noo', or it's rapey. I don't want to be rapey.

Maybe I just won't ask her out. She's looking to move into a nearby area to where i live, and I was thinking to say:

if you like I can show you around this area, I'll show you the one nice pub, I'll show you the river, the windmill, the marketplace and the retail park. And then when it comes to 11 o'clock I'll be like 'oh you can stay over near my place if you like'.

No, that sound rapey I think. I mean, she'd be welcome to say and I wouldn't force anything on her. I can set up an airbed and she can use the shower. I use herbal essences so that's kinda feminine a shampoo (whoare you kidding, it's in the women's section).

I might have a snack to eat right now. Then I'll go to bed.

I've done a nice amount in the past few hours. I've been doing all my 'desk tasks' after being away from keyboard all weekend. I'm trying to be a good worker.

I'm trying to ignore those 'unanswered questions'.

those unanswered questions (applying CBT to my past)

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I'm doing something very ordinary, and then I get a flashback to the past. I am drawn to some flashpoint where a situation could go one way or another, and can be phrased as a question. The situation incidently ends up in one way over others, but that question still remains in my head that I try to resolve. It's a question of my integrity or my will; my dedication or of my sincerity.

I am a flawed person. I suppose I don't see that if I am around my peers who see the best things in me, or if I'm on my own.

My flaws are those unanswered questions. Here are some of those questions:

• Why didn't I convert to single honours philosophy in first year?
• Why didn't I do a masters in social research?
• Why didn't I do anything about [insert girl's name from sixth form] even when she knew i liked her?
• Why didn't I make any friends at the start of uni?
• Would I have made friends at the first day of freshers at that hall party if I actually went to it?
• Would my life have been different if I decided to go out in that first sunday instead of stay in my room?

These questions haunt me. I think about my CBT lessions and help from the psychologist and the online help I have had from CBT, and CBT approaches make me question if these thoughts are useful to my present and to my life situation now. 

CBT approaches want me to answer that these are not relevant to my present, because they are my past. They were my past. They are not my present. My present is spending the past 2 hours cleaning up the house, cleaning the toilets and sinks and surfaces and getting rid of expired food. 

My present is: applying to jobs; Keeping the jobs that I do have; Planning ahead of my life; Getting stronger; Getting fitter; Eating healthier; trying to make the most of my life with what I have and what I am.

I have these unanswered thoughts and questions. I have looked at a few youtube videos of people who have similar and different kinds of 'unanswered' and unresolved thoughts and queries. Their wisdom is that it never goes away, but you just have to push through with life.

The unanswered questions always haunt me. They always can haunt me. They don't matter anymore...that's what I need to tell myself. 

Dear diary,

Its been afew days since i replied. Ive been busy. Every day on my own is a chore. I'm currently typing from my tablet.  around 230 in the morning and i'm using this speech recognition

Dear Diary,

Parents left the nest.
I am home alone
I got a tutoring job

It's on wednesday
Same day as networking
Got a lot on this week

Dear Diary,

I just got an email from 5 years ago. It was around the time I got my masters degree conferred to me...

Jesus.

I read it, that was really the least I could do. But I want nothing to do with that person anymore. It was me, and it's not someone I liked with the way he emailed me. God, I am now thinking: when I send emails to myself in the future, would it be annoying?

That person who emailed me is not the person I want to be and the person I've done my utmost to move away and move beyond from.

I'm glad I read it. But now I'm focussing on the present. I really don't want to dwell on what he said.

So my parents have gone off on their once in a lifetime holiday.

Now my journey begins.

Dear Diary,

Saturday was busy and I knew that Sunday would always be a second fiddle.

I'm kind of scared of my parents leaving. I'm going to miss them a lot. I guess being away from my family is....something I found very difficult that was a big deal for me in the background of....all the dark stuff I talk about through the history of this blog.

Anyway.

Did some receipts. Doing some archiving. It's monotonous but I feel it is grounding.

I don't feel particularly tired. I should sleep though. Tomorrow is the day when it all kicks off.

I'm scared of being alone in the house. I'm scared of being alone in general.

I wish I had something deep to say. Often when I'm writing up this blog I just pause hoping and expecting for something deep to say that is profound and gives me some sense of direction and future oriented intentionality. Instead, I am just a blank.

Here's a deep insight: I'm going downstairs to eat cheerios and watch family guy.

Maybe put a jumper on first.

Dear Diary,

Thought I'd try some haiku

I liked it.

--------------

Saturday was busy as fuck. Went to cambridgeshire to pick up an ebay thingy. Then went back to london (through Kent, Essex and Surrey). Then I lifted it up. Then I jammed a bit. Then I had pizza express. Then I saw my family nearby for a dinner. Then I saw my mate again and we saw robocop.

-----

Today.
Tired.
Parents are going on holiday tomorrow.
I'm a bit anxious of them leaving, it's natural I suppose.

-----

Tomorrow- got to pick up the pieces, and do all the domestics.
I've got to step up.
Also got a little bit on, as well as job searching.

Got to judge priorities.
Just like real life.

Dear Diary,

I got up today, and I felt like shit. I put on my tablet and put some magazines on. I read a few magazines and it put me at ease and I felt ready to face the day.

I have limited time today. I always seem to have limited time. I was really tired yesterday and I just had to listen to my body. I have a few things before I need to get ready for work. I am aiming to head out for work by 5pm, so I can get there at 6.

Today is valentine's day. What I find depressing is the cliche of journalists in newspapers and websites writing a 'so you are single and its valentine's day? lets talk about it with some angle!' or 'valentine's day is evil'. I don't mind if people enjoy valentine's day. I also don't mind if people don't enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, I can imagine all the attention about it isn't too helpful. What do I think of it? Except for a few cute emojis on facebook I haven't thought about it. What I am thinking about that makes me salivate right now, is the canned tin of pork/ham that I cooked downstairs that I'm taking with me to work. What also makes me salivate, is earning money working...there's nothing sexier for me than making some money. That said, last week at the Shambly Arena Annex was not so good.

Onwards.

Dear Diary,

I hardly did much this Thursday. I had an early start and then I kinda collapsed in the evening with enough time to go 'oh shit its dark now, better go to the gym'.

So, let's do this boring thing: things I did this thursday:

• Archiving
• (Paid in)
• Learned to do some coding 
• Emailed RE: sentinel placement
• Fatigue
• Rescheduling calendar to account for week working at sentinel over march
• Body Attack
• Body Combat

I'm thinking of that old utilitarian idea of 'safisfice vs. maximise'.

In an ideal world I'd like to satisfice. What I should do is safisfice. Do what I can and...do my best.

Lately I've been thinking about ...a girl. We've been talking a lot and I think I might meet her again. I don't talk much on here about my feelings (hah!!) but lately I have gotten quite close to a polyamorous person and we are developing a thing. Of course she is involved with other guys who are sexually more interesting and have more prowess than I. I don't know what she sees in me, but it makes me feel good that I might have someone to cuddle soon.

My body hair is growing quite a bit lately, that's been something on my mind on and off. I am also feeling quite fat.

I had a conversation a few hours ago and I mentioned a few things that I used to do back when I was in that 'early limbo' period after my Masters---and I felt ashamed of what person I was back then. I got an email from myself earlier today. It was a quick message, I like quick messages. It was exactly a year ago. I said something to myself like: 'I look forward to being the person you are now'. I think if I compared my mindset to a year ago I think there is definitely a thing called 'improvement'. 

There are a few things that are quite nice about my life: I'm doing community work, I am a nice guy to at least one girl, I am working 2.5 quarter-time jobs. I am part of a discussion circle. I'm playing my musical instruments. I'm doing more ensemble work. I have a good lot of friends that I play badminton with. I have a loving family. I am technically someone's godfather (a very recent development). I feel like I am a lot of things to a lot of people. I also feel that many of my friends and some of my family realise that I have many different (and sometimes unusual) roles. 

In life we all have different kinds of roles. My sister is someone's wife, someone's mum, someone's colleague etc etc. We are all different slices of ourselves. I think that the person I was when I started this blog...is NOT who I am now...in some ways thats kind of obvious, but I sometimes still feel like I'm trying to hold on to something. 

I better go to bed now. Tomorrow is another day. Also I have work in the evening, and then come Saturday it will be a busy one. I'm going to Essex to pick up a piano, and then I'm going to see my brother for a birthday do. I think that the person I used to be had less redeeming qualities than who I am now...but the darkness that he had has permutated into another different kind of darkness. 

Perhaps I should for once, sleep before 2am

Dear Diary,

Things I've done today (i.e. wednesday):

• Examined courses
• Extended a subscription 
• bought someone's birthday present
• Garden stuff
• Gym
• TV Catchup
• Archiving
• Found method to reduce size of PDFs
• received info on what my temp assignment will involve

I wasn't so keen on going to the gym today, but I felt a bit shit/unmotivated to do anything else so...I guess I did gym.

I felt a bit positive today.

i feel like I have done as much as I can do today and that I should sleep. I feel restless as well.

Perhaps I should for once, sleep before 2am

Good night.

Things I've done on Tuesday

• Received work placement in March
• Sent job application
• Archiving
• Badminton
• Feeling unwell
• Garden admin
• Email catchup
• Feeling unwell/fatigue and just getting on despite that

Dear Dairy,

I got another email from recruitment consultant at the Sentinel, asking if I'm available for a major event. This might mean more work...who knows... 2 months of silence and then it picks up again. I could really use the money. I'm down to my last £30

Dear Diary,

Karma's a strange one. I'm working 5 days at the Sentinel for a week at their legal team. Probably the same as I did at sentinel Sport.

I'm doing some estimations:

• Received assignment at February
• Working for March at sentinel
• Paid in late April 
• Money will mostly be used in May

Fuck...its so far ahead into the future its scary. I guess life can be like that. 

Dear Diary,

Kind of busy at the moment. I am kind of tired too. Lots of things happened this monday, but on the other hand, not much happened at all. I didn't manage to send off a job application this monday. I did manage to go to the gym.

I almost got a 3 day placement at the Sentinel, but someone already took it before I replied to the email. Oddly enough I had an adrenaline rush after I saw the email and that rush was still there after I found out I didn't get the assignment. I thought I'd use that buzz to stay up and out of bed. I hadn't had much motivation for the past few days.

My throat's feeling fucky today. I'm coughing loads right now. Not fun

I got lots to do...if I weren't tired I'd do it now. I better just go to bed and reflect on tuesday when I get up.

I'm sort of forcing myself to write this blog right now. I think I do have a few emotional things to talk about but I just don't feel particularly communicative today.

Also I'm obsessed with this tablet game at the moment - RoboCop - i found a bug in it that gives me infinte money.

Anyway,

off to bed.

Dear Diary,

For three days this week I will be busy in the evenings - actually, that's 4 days. I was at work this thursday, at a discussion group on wednesday, work this friday, and another social do on saturday - in a way this kind of vindicates me as some kind of normal human being. In another way I don't feel it does. I feel weird without my routine. I feel unusual without it.

I am also really enamoured with my red notebook. It feels like a talisman to me. I have lots of talismen, trinkets and fetishes (no not like that).

I keep thinking about a woman that I met last night, I've met her twice. She must be mid 30s-maybe 40s. She's from northern ireland, she's really pretty, tall, middle class and bourgeois. I think she's got a hidden intelligence that she's not showing everyone and I think she has a twinkle for me. Maybe she's just friendly to everyone and I am kinda reading more into it than I should. The way she would unnecessarily touch me during discussions felt nice, and I feel incredibly small being in her presence. What is it about girls I really like that make me clam up. Fucking hell it's such a weird reaction...the mammalian brain is pretty weird and stupid.

In a way I should count my blessings that this is a busy week. I may not be able to do much gym this week, or much music, but I have had a chance to force myself to work and do job applications and cover letters.

I will set myself one more task before I go to bed. I have a thing against going to bed lately. I feel a bit 'scared' (I know, its silly) about being alone with my thoughts. I worry that it will get really dark.

Dear Diary,

I'm off to work later this evening. I feel anxious because of a lack of clarity from the new event manager that I'll be supposedly working with tomorrow. As it happens she says we have to have a training day before our first shift but I've not had one due to it being cancelled, I emailed her about this ages ago but she didn't reply.

So what now?

I hate repeat-emailing about things like this.

Today I am...trying to get stuff done.

I was at that discussion group again last night. Some take home messages from that day:

• One guy told me a story that he was next to his mother when she was dying, and it made a difference for her to have someone that could empathise with her, eased her pain
• One therapist told us that in her work with bipolar people, they apparently find ordinary life to be a 'low' because it is so uncreative and unlike mania that it is dull and boring and mundane and - not the beautiful high of mania

I am feeling very head-hurt right now. I drank a glass of chianti and I think its going straight to my head.. gonna go to bed now

Just sent a job application. I should probably shave. I'd like to practice some piano too, but not while the tradesmen are in the house.

Dear Diary,

There's some maintenance work going on at home today.

Today is the day of the blasted discussion group. I'm kind of excited to see the tall irish woman there, she seemed really nice - she seemed clever and she shook my hand. I am very shallow at what criteria makes someone attractive to me. Maybe she reminds me of that philosopehr I met at the conference years ago...

anyway. I'm doing some job applications right now. Need to make the most of my time. I'm not doing so well lately.

Dear Diary,

I think I had a psychotic experience last night...I was kinda scared it happened. Basically I heard someone talking - I didn't understand what was said but it sounded angry. Maybe it was my neighbour through my wall...but he never talks so it would be highly anomalous...maybe it was my neighbour, but it creeped me the fuck out at 4am.

Anyway, today I got up late as shit. My training day was cancelled (fuck!), but it also means I don't have to leave the house yet and I can go to badminton later.

I watched a programme online just now called 'the big benefits row'...it was pretty fucking Deep. Its a really emotive issue and its an issue that affects me as someone who is working 2.5 jobs that doesn't get enough money. Sometimes there are months where I think maybe I should claim a bit from the job centre when I have weeks that I am not working at all, and then suddenly I'm working at an editorial news desk for a major newspaper, or doing 36 hours in 3 days for events (extreme examples that happened over the past few years).

In other news, that 'waster of time' tutee is emailing me. I don't like fucking about. Either accept it or don't. I also got a potential interest from a piano teaching job - a person nearby in south london wants to learn pop songs on the piano. If I did 2 hours a fornight that is a fair few bob that helps make my life a bit easier.

I better go and eat. I haven't had much time for myself lately. I am just working working working on stuff. - that's a good thing, but it does no favours for my anxiety and mental wellbeing. I need results, and that requires a bit of physical and mental stress.

Onwards (going to eat before sporting it up)

Dear Diary,

My ex Antonia would say that getting rid of my old things was 'clearing the air' in some kind of spiritual way. Getting rid of the cords that hold me back from the past.  I'm kind of inclined to see her perspective.

At present I am just wrapping up my day. I've done a fuckload of scanning, and there's always more to do. But that's enough for today. I have set some tasks for tomorrow. If I managed to get rid of my printer - I'd feel a lot better about myself. I'm trying to get rid of all the clutter in my home. Trying to have the minimum basics. Trying to have an efficient life. Trying not to life in the past too much (- I say not too much)

Dear Diary,

It's just passed 2am. I'm watching the super bowl (my american friend is all hyping it up) and in that time I'm swallowing an egg. That egg being - scan my paper documents and get rid of it

I have had poor motivation for the past few days. Ever since the date I think.

She asked me out again. I replied. I said - not until next week.

Dear Diary,

I can't remember my weekend in a single thought. That I cannot concerns me, I always assume people know how to explain themselves when asked the question: how was your weekend? or how are you? I always need to think about it.

Saturday I got up late. I missed the gym. Just as well as I felt a bit rotten. I had a jam session with one of my good friends. We did some good work but we have more work to do.

Today I did some gardening, nice and relaxing. I practiced on my clarinet as well.

Now I'm home. I need to get on with stuff. I feel a bit tired. I feel a bit hungry.

Don't know where my parents are today. They will turn up at some point.

Do you remember that i mentioned I met up with a girl this week to see a BBC recording? Well last night she texted, asked me if i could go to dinner. Erm...I don't know what to say. Anxiety is one response. Another is that I'm worried about money.

Maybe I'll be honest and tell her that. I'll say

thanks for thinking of me - I'm worried about money at the moment but maybe after I get paid on thursday we could go dinner?