Really loved this vid

'...and while we are at it can we stop the stigma'

Christmas in the afternoon

Dear Diary,

 

It's Christmas. My parents are quite happy right now, my mum is happy with the gift, my dad with the olive branch. We are waiting for a couple of people to come over, Eileen's husband and my brother. Eileen's husband is a bit insufferable, not least because I think he killed his family with his attitude, my brother's balding head depresses me as a spectre of what is to come.

Last year, Eileen and her husband were here, they were pretty sad as it was the second year without their son. Now for Joffrey, its the first year wtihout his wife. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time. I'll try to remember that. My brother is quite happy, he has a great girlfriend and she's really fun and although sometimes quiet, she is caring and sweet and great with kids, something that's useful when she has her own nieces. Bro moved in with her earlier this year and his new business is going fairly well. It's nice that he's sorted out his job situation: by becoming his own boss!

and what about me? That's always the qeustion when I'm around my successful friends. What about me? I don't really know to be honest. I wish I could do more with my life. I'm doing a lot and maybe I could do more, but I do think I'm pushing myself harder than most people do. The reality is, I'm not the one with the mortgage, girlfriend or successful career and they are. Good for them, I just wish I had something going like that. I guess I am jealous. I'm not going to drink today. My misery deserves to be acknowledged to its full and to a sober degree, no overemphasis with alcohol and likewise, no ignoring my problems through alcohol.

 

Mum's got the turkey in the oven, dad's doing phone calls. I'm on the computer. Maybe one day I'll think of days like these fondly. For now, I'm hoping of a better tomorrow. Maybe I should just enjoy that I'm still in my 20s!

I'm reading through my book review book and it has been thought provoking in a variety of ways. Not least thinking about Nietzsche. I am reminded of something Laura said to me once. Laura said that there are lots of bad memories sure, but we can make new memories. I was thinking about this beccause perhaps there's another way of looking at the past. Maybe we can revise our beliefs about the past. See such beliefs in a context of other things going on.

 

In that way perhaps its not so dire. In that way its perhaps not so shit.

 

I'm thinking about Adora, the girl I broke up with. I feel like such a cunt right now. I feel sorry for her, Adora had two disabled parents and I realised how she held everything up in her family. I also realise how I loved her. I never told her, there was no need. It still would need to end.

 

Had a fight with dad earlier. It's coloured my sensibilities right now. It lingers like a bad sore. I hate what he is making me. I hate what this situation is making me. I'm trying my best to oppose it, but the stupour, the air around me brings me down. I just want to escape.

say less and listen more.

I had a realisation at the gym today.

 

I don't have the courage to challenge myself. Often I speak about values. I speak of values that people should uphold, and implicitly those are the values which I hold myself up to, and often of times I think that I uphold to about 70% of it, sometimes 90% of it. I was pushing myself at the gym today, but I realised my limitations. Realising said limitiations became a troubling thing for me.

I think the saying goes: you can dish it out but you can't take it.

 

I pushed myself but I ran out of steam. I've been pushing myself for the past week that the days have a different kind of meaning to me. Pushing my body at the gym intensively has made me think a little about the ways in which I don't push myself, I've been thinking a bit more about my flaws.I have quite a few of them. Perhaps I should just say less and listen more. Perhaps there are analgoues of this: play less and practice more. Write less and read more. stay upright more and lay down more.

a 'something's gotta give' day

Dear Diary.

 

I'm feeling tired as fuck. Lots of family related shit yesterday. Lots of gym this week. I had 1 class, a badminton session and 3 training days with my friend. I also sent off stuff on ebay, did christmas shopping, applied to a few jobs, got an interview invitation, started on my book review and trying to get it all under my belt without sweating too much.

 

Today is one of those 'something's gotta give' moments. I'm so fucking tired, I feel so damned drained. My most immediate feeling and desire is to crawl into bed, close my eyes and just be with my thoughts, be with my fatigue. A few things have been on my mind lately.

• Thinking about Autism. I've heard a lot of people say to me that they think I have autism, now I usually reply that I haven't and that I've been checked by an educational psychologist. But it worries me that despite being assessed people still think I have autism because of the way I behave
• Thinking about identity. Lately I've been thinking about my dad and the ethnic-cultural community that we belong to. My dad has said many things to the effect that the culture that he once knew growing up is all but gone, and its making me think about my cultural identity. I can identify with the present and there are lots of things that can form a cultural identity, and my cultural identity. But I do feel like there are things which ...are being erased about me, as if I'm the last of my kind or of a declining number. The generation of my grandparents (even though both are death) from my father's side were migrants to Africa, as they migrated their children (my dad's generation) lost a big part of their indian identity and what remains is fragmentary and incomplete. When my dad migrated to England he abandoned a lot of his African identity and the indian part even less of a flicker of presence. It makes me a bit sad thinking about the african indians who have less to identify with culturally. It makes me feel sad as i am a descendant of one of them.
• Another thing: every day that passes I feel a little bit of me dies. Like a hair from my youth falls and eventually I will be a bald husk.

This week has been busy. I've been resilient and I've pushed myself in unusual and difficult ways. I feel that observing a day of rest might actually be helpful for me. Especially in the run up to Christmas.

christmas cheer.

Dear Diary,

 

at the moment I'm about to head off and get some christmas shopping done as well as sending off some items on Ebay that I've sold. I think one was an unused Christmas present and the other is a shirt belonging to my brother that he won't notice has gone, since he hasn't lived here for 5 years or so.

So, now I'm not triggering just keeping active, walking around a lot. Christmas was going to be a quiet one, however, i do think it will be quiet, but not as quiet as I think it was going to be. Lots going on still. I think I have enough to get on with today. More than enough.

No time to dither. Today was surprisingly easy to get out of bed. I wish I knew why. Maybe it's the christmas cheer. One of my oldest friends is coming back to london, and I'm kind of excited about that too.

 

Onwards. Upwards? We'll see.

Nothing like 2am thoughts on sunday morning.

Dear Diary,

 

So Adora and I have sort of broken up. I guess it's for the better. She's kind of doing the backhanded compliment-insult thing now. I guess I deserve that. I'm not really as shaken by it. I guess the saying is: easy come easy go...

So I have been involved in another writing project. That's kind of nice. I have a lot more free time now that work is finished. That's also nice. I've been archiving for most of tonight. Also doing a touch of catch up, but not enough.

I was thinking about something on the tube the other day. I've been on the tube a lot this week due to work, and I was quite upset. I think I was visibly upset as well. I was thinking about the past and whether I have truly let go of what happened. Am I able to let go? or is that still a problem of mine? I'm able to let go of Adora without too much problem, although maybe that's because I never was in a position to let go of hr in the first place.

I can let go of the past. Focus on the now. Yes its shit, just get on with it. That's the way of the Ashkani in the X-Men universe. Accept that things are shit and get on with it. I like that that rhymes.Also, I'm playing Halo 4 a lot. I am kind of excited about Christmas. Actually, I'm exctied about playing halo and meeting friends.

 

On another front: I've done 2 fitness sessions this week. Garden will count for 3. I've met the minimum. Perhaps this is the only week in the bloody year (probably) in which I've met my quotas!

got to be hard on her.

Dear Diary

The window is open, its quite cold but I find the fresh, crisp winter air a form of satisfaction. Christmas is coming and perhaps this is one of the years (except for maybe 2 years ago) where I am least bothered about it, or at least, right now I'm not so bothered. Christmas is a time for whatever Cliff Richard said it was time for, which I suppose means its a time to be exceptional as a human being.

Exceptional is everything I'm not. I feel like a de-powered mutant after Marvel's M-Day. I used to have powers and now they are gone. I am thinking a fair bit lately about the past, and its a sign things aren't so good in my head. A few days ago I started to think really strange things, which is a sign in my head that things aren't so good right now. Adora is talking about suicide all the time and constantly telling me how she thinks she is pregnant, but she also had sex with a lot of other men. Adora is also suicidal and telling me about it a lot. I can't save her and I shouldn't if I tried. If its suicide its her choice. I'm not going to let Marie's mistake fool me again. I have a lot at stake right now.

Adora has been so difficult lately. I said that she should get professional help, find a GP, get a pregnancy test. Then she seems to retreat and say things like 'well I'm going to die anyway so there's no point' or 'there is x, y, z, barrier'. Then I tell her, 'there was x,y,z barrier and you were aware of this last month, I told you that you need to do a,b,c, for it', and she still hasn't. I really can't get to her. I'm trying. I'm not going to try anymore. I can't cope with her anymore. I can't cope with how difficult she is. Maybe I should break up with her. I feel like such a bastard. I have my own problems now. I have to get out of my fucking parents' place and move into my own home and make a life for myself. I need to do a PhD and find a form of self-worth. I need to be more than I am right now. I need to stop being a fucking loser.I know how it happens with girls like Adora. They want so much attention and want so much but give nothing back. They want someone to hear their woes and be woeful with them but it doesn't help her, it doesn't make her better, she just enjoys being in the depression and until she realises that she needs to change her thinking, any time I give her that supplies that fantasy for her will not help her. I'm being hard, but this cost me my masters 5 years ago. Never again. NEVER AGAIN. I'm screaming inside with a solitary face.

So, what can I say of my life? I started performing again this year, and not much on the work front. I think I managed about 12 interviews this year. Which is kinda nice. I have little to say that is a joy or crowning achievement in my life. I'm working tonight, hopefully getting a taxi home and I'd really like to be in a better off position next year than I was last year.

Here's to hoping, but now, off to do soemthing about it. I told maddy that I won't message her until tomorrow. I told her politely, that I have lots to do today.

dreams of unsuccess

weird dream last night.

 

I was in the job centre, but it was the physical building of my student union from uni days. and this job centre officer kept telling us 'do you want to get on with your life? do you want to get out of limbo and get on track with everyone else?' and she was shouting at a big group of people, however itwas the physical appearance of my boss at work. 

 

I know dreams don't make sense, but symbolisms are powerful. I also remember being among successful friends and being reminded how different I am because I'm unsuccessful.

I quite like mondays

Dear Diary,

 

Not been posting much. I will talk about some happy things. I've bought another xbox, thought I might have some fun for Xmas. I'm also bidding on a TV from Ebay. I hope that the xbox will work. Also I'm looking forward to Christmas, spending more than I should. I got over a big amount of my backlog in terms of my reading list and some of the metatask stuff. However I now have a lot to do when I get home later. I have work later, I should leave the house in 30 mins actually. I have badminton on Tuesday, Garden xmas drinks on Tues evening, work on Weds, Drinks with friend on Thurs, Work on Fri. Probably other stuff and something on Saturday. Lots of my week has been defined for me already.

 

On balance, and here's the negative, its the only week I'm working until about late January. Which isn't good. I have to find alternative measures for income. Ebay perhaps? Need to find a job. I've been applyign a little bit. I applied to that job that a friend suggested. Also thinking of PhD applications. Lots on the menu this week. However now, I'm going to shave, put a shirt on, some deoderant and put on my face for work.

 

Onwards.

Gilet

I bought a Gilet at Primark on Monday. I hate primark, because everything is cheap and numerous. That's not the kind of message we should give to the future, of a time when consumption was high and workers were probably oppressed in order to make these cheap clothes. Also I find high street fashion a double edged sword. I like some high street looks and I always want to keep modern, but some things are too edgy and hipster for me.

 

I never thought I'd say this but when I bought the Gilet I felt I had entered a new realm of style and a new era of style in my life. It really fit me, the wooly jumper and the Gilet. It reminded me of the jumper my sister gave me in the winter of 2005-2006, which I wore all the time and because it was so different to what I normally wore I felt it defined a new era in my sartorial life, it was a start, it led to my other rituals of cord trousers and black shirt, but that wasn't yet to come by 2007-2008. Perhaps this gilet will give me a new way to think about how I present myself in clothes.

 

Also I'm reminded of something ugly. Those fucking Jack Wills toffs in my classes as an undergraduate, with their 'yahh' toff accents and their nonchalance of priviledge. They were the darlings of middle england who weren't quite good enough for cambridge, just do a little work and they will get their firsts and work in Goldman sachs. I'm reminded of them because they used to wear those fucking Gilets in lectures and seminars all the time. Now I feel like it has come to the high street the poor plebians can pretend to be like them all false aspirational with a warm midsection and cold arms.

 

Fuck you gilet, for being so warm, fuck you primark, for having occaisional clothes that I actually like.

!!!! On this day (2007; 2012).

was Marie's birthday. I remember that day vividly. I had a lovely pair of levi's cords that tore up and I had to walk home holding up my trousers because the buckle that holds it up broke.

 

5 years on. I'm sending off an item that i sold on ebay. I've bought a book at trader prices that I saw on FRONT magazine, I'm about to put my coppers into my bank balance and I'm tempted to cancel my trip to the gym today in order to make time for a family friend's 50th birthday. He's a good member of the family. Also there's a lot of christmas drinks coming up. There's one for the garden, there's one for the group associated with the garden; there's one for work; and there's a second one for work. I feel like I have people who know me and see me in a way I don't see myself. I guess you could say I've settled into a life.Maybe that's a good thing.

 

Enough reflecting. I'm off to the post office.

Dear Diary,

 

Days are shorter, junk food is more accessible and I'm feeling a bit shit. Hardly done anything today. Exhausted. Off to a gig later today.