momentum

Dear Diary,

I've probably blogged a lot today, I think that says that I have a lot more on my mind. I've had a lot on my mind of late (do I ever not?) but I've not the time to sound off. Sometimes I write on here and just write any nonsense that goes into my head, I think sometimes you should contextualise the feelings that I have against the actions that I put out. I had moments of feeling low today, I've had moments of anxiety, I've had moments of anger. I feel like some solitary figure, sending actions out into the world which I feel seperated from.

In an attempt to clear out my HDD, I've been watching things that I've got on my disk. I happened to have a documentary series on british pop, fascinating stuff, but it also gave me a sense of nostalgia and it gave me a certain kind of detachment/reattachment from the world. I could reference this feeling with Plato's address of the role of poetry and dramatics in the Republic, but I feel I've done that a great many times. I've applied to a job today, went training, in fact its the third day in a row. The plan is to try to go for 5 days in a row, maybe I'll pull it off, maybe I wont. I've sent a CV to an agency, I've done a lot of job searching, I've read a lot of articles as a form of catchup, I've also emailed my former colleague. Boy was that a long and convoluted way of emailing someone. I feel as if I have done enough today, but I also have a feeling, similar to when I'm on the 2nd set of a deadlift: can I do more?

I'm trying to go not on top gear so as to burn out, but maybe something like 4th or 3rd gear: get enough done but leave some rest time to do some more. I've been picking off odd tasks from next week to clear, like shooting tin cans, its small but effective at chipping a larger block. I am starting to think about the past. I know I always do this, but I'm starting to think about a time which was not very long ago at all, but as time goes on, enough distance has passed for me to look at it with more perspective. I'm thinking about 2008 and 2009. I guess you could say that I think quite a bit about the past, but I don't dwell too much - That's a lie. Every morning I dwell. In recent mornings I think to myself: why bother, why even try to make things better when it just isn't working?

The first thing I ask myself is: just do one thing. That one thing is sit up out of bed. After I do that I say to myself: just do one thing, I get up, go to the toilet. If I'm feeling really shit I either think: I want to go to bed, or I think about weighing myself. Normally at this point I stop thinking that I need to do one more thing, I end up getting on with the day. The hardest action is creating momentum, and for tonight, I need to just let the wheel turn until it wears itself to stationery position.

human contact: harder than a deadlift

Of all the tasks I set myself, I have put one off for far too long that I must complete tonight. When I gave the talk at the art gallery, I happened to pass my former colleague at the office where I interned. As a consequence of this, I had the social pressure of having to give her my number, and now I need to email her. I suppose that now is a good time to email her, long enough to get rid of all my priority tasks (and that is not a lie, either), but also not too long to seem like a bastard. Well,I'm not sure about that latter point.

I'm actually typing this because I want to avoid the task. I'm dallying. I went to the gym earlier, and this was my third HIIT session. It's less calorie intensive but it is, I suppose more tiring. The health experts say that HIIT is better than going the long slog (which is what I'm doing). I've had a good caloric intake in terms of food, if I don't eat any more today I think it would be a success. I can sort of relax. Well, I do need to send this email off to my colleague. I feel weird about that.

Enough dallying, if I can do 3x sets of 10 deadlifts on 25kg, I can surely do this...

Keep moving

Dear Diary,

When my anxiety used to really grip me, I saw how people had plans in their actions, but when it came to me, I found extreme difficulty in trying to execute many of those tasks. I remember for instance I took a class in social interactionism, and at the same time a class on the philosophy of social science. I would feel exceptionally uncomfortable at how I couldn't create a plan, how I couldn't visualise the end point of any given goal, I would always realise the inherent uncertainty of whatever important thing that I wanted . There were so many ways in which the goal was unattainable, or perhaps better put, so many obstacles which would entail it would not happen.

My greatest fear was rejection. A PhD rejection, that happened, that happend multiple times. I live constantly in what I feared. I feared a worst possible situation, and now I'm living it. I'm living in the worst possible world. I guess if I really thought about it, it could be worse, but I am far from happy, thats why I so often feel repressed, because I don't want to acknowledge these feelings.

Today I have made a good inroad into clearing the next 14 days. I think its fair to say that I've completed most of today's scheduled tasks. I'm a bit high on my caloric intake but if I dont eat anything else (except maybe protein shakes) I should make today a worthwhile day. Speaking of worthwhile days, I think that it might be a good oppurtunity to go to the gym. I've noticed that this weekend will have a few distractions. For one, I'm going to work in the late morning on saturday, for two I'm going to a birthday party on Sunday (not the fun kind, the family kind). I wonder to myself whether it is possible to go to the gym 5 times this week. I think the only way that's possible is if I go today, I can decide on thursday and friday when those days happen. I suppose that since I have completed enough of my tasks for today, I can go to the gym. I hate the way my life has ended, and to be honest, my life has ended. I used to be so special.

But 'life' in some semblance or other goes on. I don't really feel like going to the Gym. My old (and dearly departed) piano teacher used to say, the best time to practice is when you don't want to. Antonia also used to say to me in times of despair: keep moving. I don't have either of those people in my life, its just me. I feel like crying. Maybe crying will look more cool if I'm doing situps.

I'm going off to the gym, I think in writing this blog post I have decided that. I will summarise my day's activities:

 

• Applied to a job
• Sent CV to local agency
• Job search
• (going to) train at gym
• (non urgent) trying to sort out how to play more games on my computer
• (non urgent) catch up on reading articles from last week
• (non urgent) catching up on proms/podcast/audiobooks. 

I'm off to the gym, now.

wobbly afternoons

Dear Diary,

I am tempted to purge right now. Today is counselling day, and normally I need to think about something to say. In addition I also get quite upset during sessions. I have lots of tasks set, well, increasingly less as I advance in the day. I feel like I am mindlessly doing things. I read an article on topics in the philosophy of mathematics, I read a book review on environmentalism and deep ecology, I read about some local news in my part of the city, I read a little bit about eating disorders (I find it therapeutic), I had some breakfast/lunch, I've found some bibliography software, I've did some job searching and now I'm organising my book collection on my HDD.

I feel little motivation today. I'm just pushing myself forward. It doesn't help that Antonia is messaging me. I've set a few tasks that I am reluctant to do, one of which is to email that girl who I met at the art gallery over a week ago. I really should do it, but I don't want to. Since my schedule set it I probably should. One distraction that I am really getting into is writing in my other blog. I've had an idea of writing a series of themed pieces. I am reminded of Spinoza's notion of the intellectual love of God as a means to happiness, or blessedness as he understood it. Lately there is a lot about Spinoza that's running in my mind, and a lot about Kant, but there's always a lot about Kant in my mind.

I feel like I'm in a stupour. Yesterday I started High Intensity Interval Training, instead of going for an hour slog on the x-trainer. I dont' think that it was calorie intensive, the one thing that worries me is that I don't have a way to calculate the calories, it's comparable to how uncomfortable I am with eating food that I cannot estimate its calorific and nutritional data. I did get exceptionally tired last night afterward. I think that the HIIT gets me tired quickly, and its really good for cardio, but in terms of net calories I think I'd prefer to slog it out.

I like my new laptop, it is helping me realise the greater potential of my scheduling system, I have thought about buying some games to play on it. I need some leisure.

Back to the slog...

Uncomfortable realities

I don't talk much about the things going on around me, usually I speak more of the things going on specifically about myself. Every morning since my dad has retired, my mum complains at how he doesn't do anything with his life. In a big way my dad is a magnifying glass of all my own securities. My dad is really overweight, has little motivation and never does very much now that he's retired.

I have a friend in the family, I feel quite bad for him. This friend of the family, lets call him Hank, has suffered from some quite severe depression over the past couple of years. We had a death in our community of a very special woman, she suffered from cancer on and off for 17 years and as she died, Hank got very upset. This woman used to call Hank up every so often and because not many people visited him or payed much attention to him, it was quite devastating for him as this woman was very close to him when he was growing up. It was especially difficult for him as he lost his best friend a year prior to that. They were at the same school together, I think they both had cerebral palsy (they were at a specialist school) and their bond was quite strong from what I heard.

Losing a friend in that way is just incomprehensible in my personal experience. I can be good at sympathising or empathising with people, but I have no way of grasping how this poor guy feels. I heard over the past week from his parents that he was in a very bad way this month, perhaps parents these days are good at talking about mental illness, well, from my perspective it seems everyone is good at being sensitive about it, until it reaches their own doorstep. My parents refuse to acknowledge what happened to me. It's always different for other people, that's what makes me sick, that's why I hate when my dad lays in bed. I hate what he represents, I hate what he shows in me, it is my uncomfortable reality.

Real life is about going on in spite of all the shit. There is sometimes an oyster in that horribly polluted shell of life.

Pedestal

Dear Diary,

I do not think that I've written on this blog for a few days. My records in fact say 4 days. As it happens, I have done a little bit. I was working a long shift on wednesday, and then I recieved my laptop. I tinkered with it but I was hesitant to use it fully. As the days went on I completed a process of migration of passwords, files, programs and processes in order to make this computer my 'home'. I use a lot of specific programs, and while I was expecting ultimately to return to windows in the distant future, I didn't expect that I'd miss linux so much that I'd resist getting away from my old computer.

I've had sweet memories with my old grey computer. It has been for its shelf life a great workhorse. Now my new laptop is like a woman, prettier and younger. I cannot help but make a patriarchal comparison. Smaller is sleeker, thinner, less weight, but smarter, and with more bling. I just hope she brings me joy for as long as the old grey. I've finally completed my migration, the most annoying process was the part where I needed to enter passwords and my bookmarks. I've even put my put my addons for firefox in the way that I like it. On my desk, I have at the centre, a laptop fan, and I've not until today put the new laptop on the main fan. The fan is positioned like a pedestal and in this transition period I resisted putting it on the pedestal until today. I was resistant I suppose because this is the final position for any laptop to have on my desk. Now it is officially my main laptop. Using a new laptop is symbolic. It's a transition, it is, I would hope, a step in a new world. I suspect that as I get used to this new computer it will cease to be a novelty and it will be business as usual. I really hope so, I've got a whole lot of things to do, and it wont do itself.

I also had a great time this weekend, but since my post didn't go through earlier today I will talk about it another time. Let's just say that my mood between when I last posted to today is much better. I am much more enthused and positive, now its just a matter of getting on with it, as my piano teacher used to say. I miss him a lot.

beyond one's means

Dear Diary,

I have started to talk about difficult things I talked about some difficult issues during counselling yesterday. I suffered an indignity yesterday, and I suppose it will continue. I was asked about my interview. I hate having to tell them that I didn't get the job, why? because it's the same story. It's the same face I have to make, its the same disappointment that I have to make public to people who seem interested in my wellbeing. Its the same awkward face that other people make, the same face that they don't know how to react, or say something that can make a difference.

I've looked at my bank account. I'm at a deficit. I'm not at zero, but I am going to have to eat into the savings money that my mum gave me and I do not take this lightly. I don't have enough money to make things go around. I think this means that some things that I have planned (social events) in August will have to be abandoned. I'm reaching an important and difficult set of issues in counselling, and I don't really know if I can be 'better'. I'm also (with the exception of the 0.4lb weight gain (I haven't been able to poo for 2 days) losing weight at a fairly good pace over these past couple of months, so the gym fees are worthwhile. I've recieved an extra shift this month, which makes things go by a little easier.

Yesterday I had to bail out of the gym early because my left knee was acting up. The same thing happened last tuesday, although I haven't had any knee issues when I trained the two times between last tuesday and this most immediate tuesday. I need to go easy on that leg, I have to be fit enough on saturday.

I'm lonely, I realise this as I have less people to be myself around. All of the guys I have as friends that I chat to want to understand me in only a limited way. I probably don't have any time to grab some breakfast at home, but I do look forward to getting my favourite burrito later today at work. I really do love that big fat burrito, it is terribly indulgent. I am immediately reminded again, that there are fees. It costs money to eat, it costs money to travel, it costs money to buy decent antivirus software...I'm being really frugal with my money and I might sound overly conscientious about it, but the honest truth is that I'm living beyond my means. I'm really trying to make it work, but nothing seems to happen for me. I hate the fact that I am drawn, no matter how hard I try, to the same conclusion: I'M GOING NOWHERE.

I've got to get ready for work now.

Sweat the small stuff

Over the past week I have completed the following:

• Given a talk at art gallery
• Applied to 1 job (excluding today's application)
• Achieved 3 training sessions (4 if I count today)
• Attended a job interview

I suppose those are the main things I have achieved this week. I feel a bit down today. I'd be lying if I said I'm not tempted to purge. Some positives of today:

• I'm going to do some training today
• I ironed a few patches on my clothes (first time I've ever done that)
• I've applied to a job
• I've done a whole lot of job seaching

Tasks number at 5 main items. I suppose that's a good thing. I feel really down today. I am going for a long shift tomorrow at work. It's a graduation shift and I really hate graduations. I've just on the fly checked my emails. I've replied to my boss who advertised some extra shifts. I know that I'm not going to get as much money next month. I dont think I even got paid for last month yet! I feel really upset, and it seems the only thing I am doing is working on the small stuff. They say 'don't sweat the small stuff' when a bigger picture is important. I can't see any bigger picture as the world cannot allow me to undertake any of my plans. I have to sweat the small stuff.

I felt upset about 40 minutes ago and I said to myself: set yourself 15 scheduled tasks to do before I leave the house. as It happened. I did them all, well, except one which I'm doing right now. I better finish it. So here I go again, insstead of talking about my feelings and trying to work something out, I'm off to sweat the small stuff.

Better to be a good Federer than a sore loser...

Two weeks, two interviews, no job offer.

I was really hoping that I'd get somewhere. I'd be lying if I said I was not expecting disappointment, but I did hope. To hope is to be beyond the odds of evidence or probability, but hoping can also account for those things in some instances. I sabotaged my interview somehow. I failed to show the employers that I was worthwhile. I feel really angry. I was just about to get ready for the gym before I got the rejection email. I feel like now I dont want to do anything. Today I've applied for a job, I've done *some* job searching, I've also set some radio listening/tv watching over the next 2 months, as prom season has begun. I really love the bbc proms.

I'm really disappointed. You can look at the world in an optimistic light: you can say that things are going to be alright and work out somehow, or they just don't. Things aren't working. It doesn't matter how much weight I lose or how observant I am to a diet. I fucked up.

I have an admission to make since we are on the topic of talking about irrelevant things. I went to burger king last week. After the interview I went to get my watch repaired, they said that it would take 20 or so minutes so to burn time, I went to burger king. I asked for a king deal consisting of a bacon double cheesburger, regular fries and a regular coke. I didn't ask for large, I didn't ask for sauce, and I didn't get the main meal, it was a slightly cheaper deal than the regular meals. I remember back in the day when a full meal would be under £4 but now a full meal would be nearer >£7. Everything is getting more expensive and I'm getting poorer.

I should go to the gym. It might be a distraction. It might be a way to cope with my pain and disappointment. I'm terribly disappointed in myself, I'm upset that I didn't get the job. I'm upset that I didn't give a good enough impression. I'm upset that the world doesn't want me around. Mia says things which could be so terribly tempting right now. Persistence, they say, is about persevering and pushing forward in times like this. My 18 year old self would believe in such idealism. Keep fighting, even if you think you are losing. I should be a good Federer (you know, runner up of this year's wimbledon?) instead of a sore loser.

I dont feel like doing anything, but I know what I have to do, I end this blog post, put my socks on, pull them up, and then go to the gym (after a few intermediate steps). It's all about the intermediate steps, and then, the immediate steps.

I can resist temptation

Dear Diary,

Often at times I want to talk about something, at any given time I may have a vvery specific thing that I wish to talk about. This morning I have a very specific direction of things that I want to think about, which is to the avoidance of things I wanted to think about. As I got up this morning I checked my weight. I'm nearly about to pass the 210.00 lb limit. This means that I will soon (with luck) be able to pass my weight boundary. I shall then attempt to reach 200lbs, while still very overweight, it is at least enough loss to feel slightly more socially acceptable.

Yesterday I was out after the talk. I wore mainly my t-shirt and a jacket as a higher layer. In addition to this I went out to a restaurant with the group. We decided to consume some food (as inevitable restaurants are in this regard). I ate as little as possible. I ignored the appetisers, starters and just had a main. I also avoided alcohol. I suppose my mantra for that day was 'I shall resist temptation'. I avoided alcohol, I avoided getting too emotional, I avoided not my anxiety but many of the effects of feeling anxious. I barely ate anything yesterday. I guess that's how I effectively lost so much weight between yesterday and today. It feels good to say no. It feels good to control the ways I eat food. It feels good to resist what I want to do.

I've got a lot to do. For the past month and a half, I've always had some little event or big event to look forward to prospectively, which has affected me seeing the days as 'normal'. I had a wedding, a birthday, interviews, and it seems, this talk. I have airsofting later on as well, and then paintballing. For the next few days, however, I have a whole lot of tasks set for myself. Knowing me, I will probably surmount them soon enough. Sunday after all, is my reading day.

I'm going to eat now. I'm hungry. I am allowed to eat, right?

Days like these make me think I'm getting ahead in life, there just isn't the evidence I move forward...

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up and thought to myself: oh, I have an interview, you know. I feel a little oblivious to it, or nonchalant. That's not a good sign methinks. The Summer period is not a good time for recruitment in my experience. I need to take this seriously. I beegan my morning ritual by simply taking things slowly. I say this often, but it becomes increasingly poignant: I've lost more weight today. I'm one step closer to my target. My immediat target is 210lbs, which I'm not far away from. My Intermediate target is 200lbs, which seems increasingly possible now. I just wonder however, if I am able to go even further.

When I look at my weight records, I'm reminded of the past, it is not a past that I am happy about. In a way it is a time I want to move away from, draw a line from. This resonates exactly with what I said during counselling (does this mean that counsellign is heling me?). Yesterday I did my 3rd workout of the week and I didn't go too hard on myself with the calisthenics. I did however keep a benchmark in terms of what I do: 20 mins calisthenics, 15 mins weights, 1 hour xtrainer. That cost me about 1000+kcal. It's all good. Thanks to a watermelon lunch yesterday, I didn't feel terribly hungry. Next week is airsofting, tomorrow is an art gallery talk, and today I have an interview, I'm also going to try and fix my watch (I could go into a whole discussion about the meaning of watches to me). This all costs money, and I don't have much of it. I still haven't been paid yet for June...

Time is against me so I am going to get ready for the interview. Wish me luck.

Dear Mia,

Dear Diary mia,

Thank you for getting back to me. Your offer is most interesting. Allow me to reiterate what I have understood in order to clarify your offer. As far as I see it, you offer me an oppurtunity to make a distinct and unique statement to reflect the state of affairs around me. Specifically, you wish me to communicate the frustration I have with the inflexibility of the world. I am upset about my aspirations, and the consequent failure to meet to the ideals I have. What you offer is a way to be at one with that authentic feeling that I have, against an overwhelming opposition of fading into mediocrity and compromising on those ideals. What you offer me is a way to stay myself, and hold to what's really important. The way you do this is by purging.

I want to purge because it's the only way to communicate this feeling. That is, at least, how you communicate it to me. Maybe if I follow through with your plan, and other people see what it is doing to me, perhaps they might be convinced to change. The problem is not me, the problem is the world. I can't change the world, but maybe I can change myself, I am considering your offer right now.

Kind regards,
Conatus

...not the response I expected

Dear Diary,

I didn't get the job at that office in Berkshire. I feel incredibly relieved, that is a bit of a surprise to me, actually.

On with my day, I feel a little lighter now

Captain's log supplmental (log is synonym for poo)

I just want to say: both interviews I got invited to are for events management roles.

How the hell did I end up going into these interviews? By a job that I accidently got as a stopgap, I am using as a core set of experiences to sell myself. I'm not saying its a bad thing, but I'm really surprised that a person like me with no social skills and that isn't the typical events management archetype (cute white woman who probably drinks a lot at office parties and reads heat magazine) would end up in this industry...

Maybe this is something to talk about on a careers forum. How the hell did I end up here? I gues because a PhD isn't possible right now

less melodramatic post than the previous one

Dear Diary,

 

Let's state some positives. Trigger crisis has subsided:

• I've lost weight, I say this so often it must bore you, but I think its still important: I'm at my lowest weight in a very long time
• I've booked the Interview, HR person said it's okay if i can't find anything
• I've recieved my trousers for airsofting! I am now to await the other fun things in the post: army patch and shirt
• I looked at my body in the mirror and my belly is starting to go down a bit. I also see a few 'lines' and bulges which may one day turn into abs!!

I'm going to get on with my tasks for today. I might even go to the gym later today. I feel a positive wave of change coming over me. I need to stay at the mast and keep going with this extended metaphor boat.

 

still waters run deep

Dear Diary,

I have been invited to an interview for a job in events, but also based at a university. It's great that I have been invited to an interview. The only thing is, they are asking me to dig up some publicity that I was involved with in creating an event. It was a long time ago when I used to make events at university. That means I have to find the literature from the ADC days. It's making me trigger. It's making me trigger in a really big way. I talked about some uncomfortable stuff in counselling yesterday, but nothing as uncomfortable as what I'm feeling now. I am looking at the ADC website, and I'm so proud at how far they have come. I guess what is really getting me down is that I'm not a part of it, and the circumstances in which I was basically ousted and long forgotten. I guess that's the way university societies work. Stephen Fry in his 'Fry Chronicles' talks about how in some respects his University town of Cambridge always stays the same after he has left it, but it invariably changes as well. The Cambridge city that he visits is never the 'his' Cambridge from the days in which he was an undergraduate. Fry makes that old quote from Thales that 'you can never step into the same river twice'. I am looking at the river that is the ADC, and the water that I once passed through is long, long gone.

Now I'm trying to get on with my life in what ever way I can. My chest is really hurting from triggering, feeling upset by this past. I talked about during counselling how I felt so ashamed of the past, how I felt that I needed so desperately to draw a line over the past, that I made so much effort to 'prove' to myself that I'm different now. Some things change and others don't. ADC reminds me of what is the same in me, and it reminds me of the part of me I don't like. I feel like almost for the reason that its upsetting me, that I don't want to do this interview task, and therefore, not do the interview. So, I'm looking for documents from 2006-2008. You know this shouldn't upset me so much but it does. I'm going to look for these documents, I will set a specific time wherin to search for it, and then I'm going to stop, and contact the HR department and tell them either I can't give them the document, or the interview is off. This is the second time I've turned down an interview, this time because they have upset me and made me trigger.

(thor soundtrack in the background)

Dear Diary,

Would you believe it if I said that I've completed my tasks not only for today, but all of tomorrow, and a bit of Wednesday? I'm at such a good pace I think I am allowing myself the reward of going to the gym early. I feel my triceps in a little bit of pain and have felt this way since yesterday. I suppose that's only a good thing (right?). I have applied to two jobs, did some job searching and I'm ahead of schedule. I have earned this entitlement to the gym. I have run out of protein powder but I'll get some more at some point (maybe when I can afford it). as I head off to the gym, i am aware that I have an ebay bid that I may or may not win, in addition. Today I feel some kind of opposite of listless, not restless, or overactive, but a sense that even though I've achieved all the things that I've set for myself, I still am not achieving. Maybe its the same as listlessness, a sense of hopelessness even when I'm active.

 

Anyway, all this talk is good and well, but doesn't translate to ab strength. In the end its action that matters. Off to the gym!

I love my friends and family

Dear Diary,

So my birthday week, and consequently my birthday has passed. In a way I'm a little relieved. I spent the day in a sombre (but not sad) mood. I had some nice presents, my dad also offered to buy me a laptop, which I'll probably buy later in the week. I also bought a whole lot of gear for when my mates go paintballing and airsofting.

My weight has gone up since my last reading. This is not good, I have eaten my calories without overspending, but I do need to work harder at blasting the calories in my workouts, I've also run out of whey protein. My concern this week is money, money always factors into my head. I'm wondering if and when I'll get a full time job, whether I can afford anything I am currently doing and most importantly, if things are in any way going to get better.

My facebook 'happy birthdays' were limited to cousins, and my best friends. In 2008, I suppose I was greeted by all sorts of randoms who I have never talked to since then. Oh how times change. I think the lesson of my sobriety in recent years is to accept that I don't have to fit one role for people. I can be anyone I want to be, and I'm not confined to just being a certain person, I find that incredibly liberating.

I thought that I'd have more to say since I've not posted much this week, but all I'm thinking about is how much I've got to do. In recent days I have been able to complete all my tasks early enough to have an early afternoon gym session. Maybe I'll aim for that, then the rest of the evening is resting, or playing games. I don't say this often enough as I do: I love my family, and I love my friends. They are the best thing in my lives. I'm blessed with having good friends, I'm doubly (sic) blessed by having such a great and loving family.

Now, I'm off to work.

For a hermit, its not bad...

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling a little bit down in some ways. I've spent a bit of time in bed, laying in my thoughts, thinking about things. I've entered little worlds in my mind, memories, feelnigs of the past. Something seems to have unlocked my emotions since the interview on Tuesday. In wa way I've just wanted the days to pass bywithout acknowledging that I'm 25. I have lots to keep busy with: job applications, work, birthday presents, writing a talk and so on. I kind of want to avoid the media project now, it feels like bad karma on my soul. When I got up this morning I wanted to do a morning gym session, but I convinced myself to avoid it until I've finished all my tasks for the day.

 

As it happened, I have in fact finished all of my tasks for today and tomorrow. I have applied to 3 jobs and done a few job applications, yesterday and the day before I spent clearing tasks. It felt pretty long as I comprehensively went at lots of little tasks that I haven't attended to in a while, and I am almost ahead of things. I do need to prepare for a talk next week, and I also to control my eating, but I am now at a good pace. I suppose I can now legitimately go to the gym today. I got contacted on MSN by 'the ex', she was trying to initiate conversation with me. I didn't avoid her, but I made no effort to make conversation, so the conversation went something like this:

 

Her: Aloha <3

me: Hello

(5 mins later)

her: hello?

me: Hello

 

It's funny how there's so much psychology in instant messaging conversations, in addition it is also anxiety-inducing. I just ignored it and went on with things. In other news I have done the following this week:

• Constructed a new playlist
• Completed reading 2 books (proper books)
• Applied to 6 jobs this week (not including the 3 today, which would make 9)
• Trained 3 times (if I went later today it would make 4)
• Attended an interview
• Prepped for a talk I'm going to give
• Caught up with my reading GReader tasks, as well as little things like job searches

For a hermit, I think I'm doing pretty well for myself. I do not like being lonely, though.

(fatigue)

Dear Diary,

I feel tired, not the kind of tired where I've been awake all night, not the kind of tired after a gym session, but the kind of tired where after I've worked a whole week of shifts, or a bank of shifts in a row. Tuesday was long, tiring and I suppose also very invigorating. I should try not to think about the interview, but it has been on my mind, and it has affected my mood. Something has come over me lately, a positive feeling. I am reminded of 2004, when I turned 18; 2007 when I turned 21 and both of these experiences, periods have resonance to now. I suppose because there is such an emphasis on turning 18, turning 21. Now I'll be 25... I'm dreading it a little bit.

So I might have a chance to work at a fancy political job. Right now I have my schedule, and a whole lot of tasks, I've gone through the eye of the needle that was tuesday, and I did cut off two tasks from the plan, mainly because I was too tired to follow through. There's a lot for me to be getting on with today, and I will have to get ready for work in about 2.5 hours. My body is telling me that I just want to lay down, or maybe even play an mmorpg. I've been grazing today on food. My weight has gone down since yesterday, which is only expected since I only ate 2 chicken pieces as solid food yesterday, and most of my food was liquid (namely protein shakes, lucozade and water). I have a talk coming up, a media project to deal with, and job vacancies that won't apply by themselves. I feel like I've grown up already. My parents are being nice to me since my birthday is coming up, my dad even offered to get me a new laptop. I think I might take him up on that offer. It might be finally the right time to get rid of this laptop. Getting rid of this laptop would truly be a sign of moving on, moving forward.

(hurredly posting)

Dear Diary,

The busy day cometh, well, it's now. I have been at a good pace over these few days. I've prepped for my interview and now all there is to do is make a snack, blog a little , and prep my mp3 player. Since I'll commit to about 4 hours of travel today, I will need to prepare something to read. I've loaded a few journal papers into my reader, and now I'm thinking about podcasts. Yesterday was a fun day at work, because of the nature of my work I choose not to say anymore, but lets just say its a story for the grandchildren. As I got home I was a little proud of the tip that I got, it was enough to pay for my tube fare!

Now today has a plan, I'll try to stick to it. I am so engrossed in the plan I can't even think right now.

Nice to have a busy birthday week. Not so nice that my mum is gulilt-tripping me about a certain financial misdeed from my savings account :( - I dont like doing it too but I cant afford to do my life things otherwise.

Stick a fork in me...

I'm done for today.

Let me tell you what I've achieved:

• I've applied to 2 jobs, and speculatively applied to one
• I've cleared up all the tasks on monday that eliminates my stress that I won't get everything done in time
• I've planned a way to get out of my worried-tasks, in other words, I've set a 4 day program on how I'll actually complete it
• I've made (as I've mentioned) a start on my playlisting task
• I set a task 20 mins ago to complete 20 of the non-vital tasks I've set on my calendar: now completed, read, organised, filed and set those various little tasks.

There's a time when one needs to know when enough is enough. I think this is enough for now. I've got a shitload to do tomorrow, so I can't say that I've got off easy on myself. Far from it, i'm just pacing out the agony. Now, I'm going off to have a wank, or some such

Good night.

rationalising worries

Dear Diary,

 

I think its fair to say that I've been busy today, partly by choice, largely not so. My sister and brother-in-law came to visit, as they are going on holiday and wanted to greet me before my birthday. I was occupied with a barbeque, but I didn't get drawn into overeating. I ate all in all about 1634kcal  and if I were not to eat any more today that would be an excellent achievement: I resisted gluttony during social eating. That said, my weight hasn't gone down since last week, and that's not a good sign. I'm unfortunately plateaued in weightloss, or rather, I am at a hitch. I need to really be vigilant about my weight loss and I need to be tactical about this. I need to be careful not just of the calories I put in, but also the kind of nutrients they provide. Despite having a protein shake and 2 bananas mixed into it, I am still low in protein and potassium. I need to be really vigilant about food intake.

The next few days are going to be a bit of a stresser, one reason is that I am going to work on Wednesday and Monday, sandwiched between those days is a job interview in Berkshire. I'll also need to plan how I take my supplements on Tuesday if I plan to go to the gym after counselling, which in turn is after I get back to the capital from Berkshire. I need to plan it to get everything right. I need to plan this well, and I have other outstanding tasks on my mind (namely jobs, media project and an upcoming talk). Yesterday I made a list of my worries, now I'm going to make a list of my priorities.

 

Primary goals

Prep for in interview
Prep for tuesday's events
4x job applications set tomorrow
Fit in work with everything else

Secondary goals

Organise talk notes
Media project - follow up
Training & diet
Playlisting
4x job applications set tomorrow (moved from primary as I was typing this list)

It seems that I still have 8 categories of worry, but now I've schematised them further into preferential categories. Perhaps this seems more manageable. Lets state some positives for today

• No problems with overindulgence
• I applied to 2 jobs
• I started my playlisting task
• I'm less stressed than yesterday (I have a better belief that I'm going to sort this all out)

thoughts, worries: quantified

Dear Diary,

I am reminded of the old mia days where I found so much to deal with and all I wanted was to purge as a distraction. The difference is that I have supplanted purging with compulsive MMORPG playing, sometimes gym or  sometimes wanking. The tasks I have on my mind:

 

• Prepare for talk
• Media project isn't moving forward properly
• Interview on tuesday
• Prep for tuesday (busy day)
• work on monday, weds
• prep for interview properly
• apply for jobs
• playlisting
• catch up on applications and other minor tasks

Wow, I put them into 8 seperate categories. I find that is a little bit of a relief, that doesn't mean they are 8 seperate tasks of course, the jobs are endlessly long and numerous, and prepping involves a whole lot of things. I'm stressed. Other things on my mind include:

 

• Cute girls
• Flirting with girls online
• Flirting with (specific) girl offline
• playing mmorpg
• my dad retiring
• money issues
• wondering: when will i move forward in my life?
• worrying about turning 25

Now, if I were able to isolate a task/worry, work on it to completion and then move on, I'd be a happy man. Unfortunately I feel at fatigue.

Today I feel

• Angry
• Hurt
• Sad
• disappointed
• frustrated
• hopeful
• optimistic
• determined
• hungry