Dear Diary,

Today being a sunday night/monday morning I seem to allow myself to write in this blog as a kind of review of the week or something like that.

Here's my insight: I've been reading this book about Bullet Journal, which is not dissimilar to the techniques that I employ when I'm organising myself (except with GKeep). Anyway, I've managed to really up my organisation game lately. I've managed to organise the next two weeks (also allowed for changes) and I haven't hit 3am yet.

Lets talk about this week: I went to a press event for a thing that I went to on saturday with my friends. I went to this interactive exhibition thing. I basically went twice. I had booked it months ago with my friends. I realised that I really need to make reasons to meet up with the guys. It's just not happening lately. Anyway, we managed to make it work and we had a really good time. The best part was to be with my friends and I felt a big boost of energy.

I realise that this month (December) I really am doing well in terms of socialising with others, going out, meeting people and even spending time with work colleagues outside of a work setting.

So, that is pretty cool. It's also very challenging in terms of my time, my energy and the other things I want to do.

When I had depression over 10 years ago. I really didn't know how to do the adult thing. I'm getting better at it and I'm getting stronger and more resilient.

I should be honest about my recent challenges:

• Night terrors are still an issue
• I have issues with social eating 
• I have triggers more often now
• I get angry and distrustful a lot. - especially with specific people
• I feel a tiny bit paranoid. I know that at work, there are people who are trying to undermine us. It makes me worry about the wider situation with the world at large.
• I worry about my parents.

The big one: I had a falling out with my brother, sister and brother in law. A thing for which I must spend the rest of my life paying a debt to society and to my family for. A thing for which I accept responsibility and accept my part in causing very real harm. 

I feel like i'm not forgiven. I also dread some things. I dread having to text my brother and sister asking about christmas presents for their families. I dread that Christmas Day is likely to be with them all. I don't want to sit with them. I don't want to be around them for Christmas and I don't want to be around all the noise. But I have to make an effort. 

I keep saying I need to rebuild bridges and have a better relationship with family. In the group sessions I had this year. I realised that having positive relationships with friends and family is an important aspect of my life. Also being able to manage problems in my life. It's difficult when other people in my family are less good at dealing with their own problems. It's difficult when other people's problems become your own. It's also important to have healthy thinking, this also includes not blaming others for too many things but accepting your own responsiblilty. 

How do I work through all 3 of these? I think if I did Christmas day, just the lunch time, and went home. If I didn't get angry and let things slide. If I were quiet and didn't offend anyone or upset anyone. If I just sat there and did my bit to be a part of the family by just being physically present and anodyne. If I could do that for a day, fine. That's enough. That's enough to say I'm working on family relationships. That's enough to say I'm doing better than I did before. That's enough to...build on a base for better future relationships with them. 

In the Doctor who specials with Matt Smith, he used to say: every Christmas is the last Christmas. 

I really need to treat this as the last christmas. It's the last christmas for somebody. I just need to do one day and then I have the rest of the week to work on my spreadsheets and projections for the year or any of that other stuff. 

It's important to me. It's very challenging for me at the same time. 

A guy at the group said that the relationships that are really valuable do require a bit of work. 

I guess I need to man up. I can lift weights and push my mind intellectually but none of that is as tough as facing down the shame I feel about my judgmental family.