Dear Diary,

I woke up about 8:30 this morning. I felt very low and vulnerable. I tried to do some pep talking to myself. I said to myself in the transactional way that I used to during my eating disorder days: I'll give 14  hours: 12 hours of straight work, then gym, then going home and warmdown, and then 2 hours on my desk. After that I want to relax and be miserable or whatever I'm feeling now that makes me want to avoid life.

That bargain seemed to work.

Although its nearly 1am now, I did my work today. I worked hard. I then left work early. I decided on the spot that my knee is not in a good condition to go to the gym. I went home and it was very cold outside. As I got home I got a deliveroo. A cheeky cod and calamari dinner.

I unpacked my back and put all my devices on charge,  I put my clean clothes into the wardrobe and with sobriety I did my necessary chores.

I then lay in bed for a bit. Eventually (by 10) I decided to get to my desk and do a bit of catchup. I read about 20 magazines and watched some TV. I also worked on my long term decision matrices. 

Today at work I have been under a bit of pressure to make a Christmas party plan for 20 people. I ended up doing so but on a day different to my usual estimate.

It's the last day of October. October came to me as an afterthought of September. I'm still in the summer mindset. Well I was until that fucking cold wind hit me on Tuesday morning.

I've been thinking about getting that new jacket from North Face - it's wind, rain and something else proof. I'm also thinking about how to wear trousers for winter. Are there 'warm' trousers out there that also do not get wet? Are there such trousers that do not obviously look like they came from an outdoors shop?

On wednesday there's a big union debate about a pay claim. This probably means that I cannot go to lunch or go to the gym as I have a lot on. I think a bit about how my friend used to play badminton. In each move he had the pregnant thought and action of the next 3-5 moves.

I plan my life in a similar way: Wednesday involves meetings which means I can't do the gym, which means I don't need to pack my kit; it also leaves an opening: do I dress smart or dress casual? So many variables from decisions.

Anyway. I should go to bed, wake up, try and bargain a deal for Wednesday (maybe 12 hours) and then I'll have a nice Mcdonalds breakfast.