In the early part of this decade, people started dying.

People die all the time, and if you know lots of people, lots of people die.

These things came as a surprise to me, a shock to me, things I had to grow up about and face in a mature way.

On a day this week, 7 years ago, my uncle died.

I'm reminded of that mainly by seeing an 'on this day' for 2011. Around 2011 my life was very different. I was sort of working, I was working in events as a casual. Remember Shambly arena? I technically haven't 'stopped' working there, but I've not done a shift in about 18 months or so.

Uncle S used to say things would eventually get better for me. It was odd that he said it not when I ever reported that things were going badly. Uncle S was the kind of person who had views that are a slight embarrassment by today's standards, but he was an older man and saw different things. Uncle S was the closest person to my grandparents, with him gone, I felt a few connections go. Connections to my grandparents, seeing my dad's world slightly get smaller, and my connection to the 'old country'.

This saturday, because my knee is fucked (I fucked my knee on thursday), I haven't been able to do too much physical stuff. I've sat the shit of my chair today. I've watched a whole lot of netflix and BBC Iplayer. I watched HIGNFY, Mock The Week and Jonathan Pie's libertarian spiel on the iplayer. There's something about this decade, especially the post 2016 stuff, where we are in a 'Roman' type era. An era of slow down, of decay, of the empire splitting into two. One side will be taken by barbarians, and the other becomes the Byzantines.

I spent a lot of time at my desk today. I worked on a big bunch of things. I also (without realising) bought a lot of stuff. I bought a hooded top for gym and casual. It's sleeveless and urban tactical (apparently). I also bought some Mahabis, they are posh middle class Guardian-reading slippers. It was odd that Jonathan Pie kept referring to Guardian readers. I've also been watching Press on Iplayer. One of the newspapers was definitely The Sentinel.

I also overate today. I have lost my appetite lately. I've been worrying about a number of things and well, that's taken my delight in food away.

I'm deciding to myself whether I should go to the gym tomorrow. My knee is less fucked than yesterday and may be less fucked still for Sunday. On the other hand, I'm not in my 20s anymore and I can't just dust shit off and carry on.

My life is definitely different. I'm budgeting stuff, I'm doing paper work. I sat down for a fair few hours just catching up on a stack of magazines. I need to make a plan for the next two weeks.

I've been toying with this idea, when I plan my week, I have busy and quiet days. I have been thinking of this like a Sonata in music. The Sonata has the fast movement, the slow movement and then the fast movement again. I was thinking about spacing out my days: the fast paced days versus the days when I can leave the office at 4pm and spend most of the day resting and recovering.

There was a week in July when I really really pushed myself, I did two separate VR booths and then a week after I did both zombie tactical and airsoft one after the other. It was a bit gruelling and not so fun for me. What I even decided to do was on the sunday, after airsoft I would actually go to the gym, do two hours and two classes.

There's something I've left unsaid, which I've perhaps deliberately ignored.

September, October, November...are my bad months.  Every year has been the same even before I started uni.

I've tried to believe since last year that I can fight it. I've been ignoring that recognition as I continue to think that I can fight it. But I know its there.

I know the memories are there.

I've started talking to mia lately. I think that's a distinct sign that things aren't so well.

But I'm holding a job down, and I'm in reasonable health for now.

I might try to sleep now. I'm weaning myself off talk radio. I keep listening to radio phone ins (an anxiety thing since July 2017). I might just play Frankie Boyle (a new ritual) until I can sleep.

Maybe if I get up early on sunday, I might even have a Mcdonald's breakfast. That's been a ritual I've enjoyed.

I just remembered - last saturday-sunday I had that fucked up insomnia.

I think I can probably buck that as a trend for tonight.

If I sleep now
Must stop typing.

I've missed writing

Good night