Dear Diary,

I work at a national newspaper which also publishes a few magazines. I work at a place where my line manager has appeared as a character in a film and may be in the annals of history for having a very antagonistic relationship with very powerful governments.

But, I'm jealous as fuck. I'm jealous as fuck about a couple of people from grad school. One of them is working on the interface between social science and scientific methodology. The other is working on the interface between logical approaches to rationality and its cashing out in scientific research: simulations, automated research etc. It is some really abstract stuff and yet has real application to the real world.

I'm so fucking jealous of them because ...I wanted to have their life. I also so desperately wished...for a different life.

I miss those days. A couple of people from those days got married, they live in the yorkshire dales in beautiful nowhere and have a progeny together.

What do I do. Work at a national paper in a real struggle to work financially (the paper, not me). I'm so balls deep in it I can smell the pubes. I am not using my 'higher brain', but I do use a lot of instincts, quick thinking and I have this sense of knowing the higher world that a bunch of Q4 analyses or projections don't scare me.

Maybe this is the kind of 'grass is greener' situation. I know of a couple of PhD friends who are less successful than I am in life, and less influential. It's all relative I guess. I loved that university was full of those really influential people. I miss being there. But...that's not to say anything of the influential people I'm around now. I guess journalists don't really make me star struck. Not in the way that someone who did a thesis on formal theories of truth, or evolution and homo economicus might.

Maybe I should stop being miserable. Life's alright. I'm due for a pay rise soon and given the work I've done, I am really respected by people who are really heroes in the political war going on right now.

I'm up at 3am. Is this insomnia? Or is this the only time in which I feel most myself.

I've got a hectic couple of days tomorrow. I'm also re-thinking how I dress for work. I'm thinking about if its suitable to wear a suit everyday, or just one the days where I'm not going to the gym. I'm also thinking about how suitable it is to go to the gym during lunchtimes at work. I think that Monday is a definite Gym day, Tuesday (tbc), wednesday depends, thursday I have an evening class and Friday depends. Other parametrics related to me going to the gym are whether I intend to leave early and how much procrastination time I have at work.

Basically if I want to do more gym, I have less time for procrastination. I need to be exceptionally deliberate with my time. Every thought and breath counts.

I should try to go to sleep. Maybe I'll relax by listening to some music. I want to do so sitting up though. Not in bed.