Dear Diary,

I have mentioned that I have been taking creatine to varying degrees since July 2018. I am beginning to think (or this is my perception anyway) that it has had an increasing effect on my mind and mental functioning. Specifically, I have very low and lull periods, but the active periods are very very active.

I am led to think that this is some kind of nootropic effect.  It's nearly 5am. I've had no regard for the time. I've spent the past few hours working on a plan for the next 2 weeks. I have some events coming up and I've decided to set a plan which has varying degrees (2) of detail to it. I've also set up some templates for ritualistic behaviours that will help me not need to think about what they are exactly, as I will be working on them in a more formalised way. Those rituals are: gettting up (morning) and warming down (night time).

I work and work and work and work with this creatine in my brain, until the brain fog comes back, until I become normal again.

That wasn't really what I wanted to write about.

Let's start over

Dear Diary,

It's nearly 5am, and I'm wrapping up to go to bed.

I'm going through my 'on this day' notifications for this week (week 34), and there are events of interesting resonances.

Last year (2017) I wrote to myself that it was on a day this week that I was offered the contract for the permanent staff position. I took it. There was a salary rise, I was very happy about it. The person who was involved with my contract was someone who once sent me what I assume is an automated email telling me that my (casual) contract was due to end as a mandatory condition of working casual shifts. I find it interesting that as I get older, I see the same people professionally and personally, but occupying different roles. I too occupy a different space compared to 5 years ago or even 1 year ago. Perhaps even compared to 3 months ago I'm doing much more hands on stuff at work.

The HR person, (lets call her Alva), first informed me about my casual contract ending. Then it came to me being inducted as a full time permanent staffer.

Other notable anniversaries of this week:

• 2016: One of my friends has a barbeque at his new recently bought flat. He's now a home owner, one of our other friends in the party acts like a dick .. we begin to notice his alcohol problems and it divides the group 
• 2009: I move out of the flat and get back home. The mess of what was the immediate aftermath of my masters, and the decisions i made through eating disorder-me are now settling in, I'm not working to move forward not backward.
• 2010: I saw the expendables movie. On that night, a friend of ours was flirting with a girl. They had a one night stand. They have been married for a year now (2018). Such a beautiful happenstance. Sylvester Stallone really does bring people together
• 2014: On my anniversaries, I write that I was paid 'over £1000' for work during a whole month. It has been ages since I've worked enough to bank £1k at that point. I immediately put in £330 to pay off an overdraft. 

So much resonance with so many of these events. I'm so happy for my friend who got married; so happy for my friend who bought the flat and so happy that I'm earning more now; that I'm a staffer at The Sentinel and the darkness and poison of what happened during grad school is...not behind me, but...I'm working on it. I'm making a new me.