This blog is a big outdated.

The medium of blogging is so 2000s. People moved on the tumblr; then they moved on to twitter and instagram from there; and now nobody says anything of value. It is as if the value of letters has significantly diminished to the acts of an upper class few....perhaps things haven't really changed in that respect (that's a joke referencing early modern literary practi-ah fuck it)


In the days when I blogged more, I talked about people. The Maths PhD guy who was perhaps a closest thing to a best friend; the other maths PhD guy who I wanted to be my best mate, but we fell out a bit and he had his own issues; the Maths PhD guy who really caused me upset when he became the president of the atheist society at uni, and not me.

Sometimes I think these things...really don't matter to me anymore. I hardly ruminate that much, and when I do, I feel like I want to really ruminate the fuck out of it, get all the thoughts and feelings out like wringing a sponge, and not think about it again.

I guess this is what I'm doing by the medium of blogging??

Let's give these people names: PhD one is Barnabus; PhD two is Wilkins; PhD three is Moriarty.

Barnabus is on my facebook feed. He married the girl I used to walk home with after atheist society and we had some good chats. Natalie and Barnabus are such a sickly sweet couple, they are both ugly as fuck, and they have the most beautiful progeny as a result of their own genetic failures. Barnabus does all these super liberal things like sharing posts from the newspaper that I work in. And sharing posts about the elderflower fucking cordial that he grows. Natalie talks about how she has various health conditions and (something generically feminist or whatever) about her approach to life. And anti-trump stuff. That's basic though.

God. I haven't even mentioned how Donald Trump is president in this blog. Man, I'm so self-obsessed.

Wilkins. I haven't heard much from him. Maybe I should look him up on facebook? Last I heard, he was in canada as a research associate working on some issues on low temperature energy transfers specifically in relation to the operating problems around quantum computing. Canada are really big into quantum computing research, and they are also big into getting British people emigrating there. Like two of my mates.

Moriarty - I don't really know what he's doing. I saw him on Linkedin one day. He's working in Germany as a financial something or other. He dropped out of his PhD and isn't working on Quantum Computing anymore.

Back when I knew Natalie and Barnabus (not a couple), Natalie was going out with this scrawny 18 years pissant guy. Lets call him Leclerk. Leclerk, it so turned out after my boring curiosity - was a PhD candidate under the same supervisor as Barnabus, and on a very very similar topic to Barnabus. I believe that Leclerk is in Europe working on his computational set theory something or other, and Barnabus is no longer in academia. It's really weird...the story was once that Barnabus and I were the big dogs of the social circle. Now I'm an admin monkey at a newspaper (also cartoon editor) and Barnabus is a...who knows what the fuck he does but it involves elderflower and family life in Northernshire or whatever. And it turns out that the Lowly Leclerk is a big shot PhD still in academia.

I won't lie. Writing this brings a tear to my eye. Reminiscing. Remembering the old me.

I'm in a program right now, and there's a lot of conceptualising of 'old me' vs 'new me'. I very much want to move to a 'new me' in life and I believe that i am doing so. But the old me is my past. My past is a part of me and always will be, but its not my future.

I cry because I mourn a past. I mourn a life I could have had. I mourn a life I wanted to have. I mourn a life that I still want to have. I mourn a sense of jealousy. I mourn a sense of anger towards myself. These are the old me thoughts.

These are why I write the positives.

I write lots of lists. I live by lists these days. I have a routine these days. On sundays I prep for the gym, go to the gym, do the gym for 2 hours, take a nutrition pause; go to 2 gym classes (group classes) then I go home. I burn between 2-3k kcals. I don't know why I do it. I don't know why I do many things. I feel like it is some kind of inner conatus. The inner drive that is inside me of a forgotten being too scared to come out yet, or not ready to come out yet.

Lately I've started to take something called pre-workout. It's a fancy super-drug. Creatine, caffiene and loads of other shit (l-leucine and beta alanine are the ones I know about) and it jacks up my brain. I feel the flood of testosterone rage flow through and I also feel on the verge of mortality. Usually when I get home from my gym routine, I am 5 hours into a workout, I am shattered, seriously exhausted as I get home. Today was different. Today I felt fresher. I felt more energy. I feel like it was the pre-workout that helped. I also had a really good protein bar which gave me the right balance of carbohydrates and protein. The protein is to maintain my muscle mass but provide no energy or comfort to my sense of exhaustion. That's what the carbs were for. Before I was just taking Huel (I should talk about htat later) and protein gels (as of last month).

I should try to go to bed. I wonder if I will sleep. The weather has not been conducive to sleep.

Anyway.

Toodles and good night.