Chris Rock's stand up routines generally resonate in my mind. He has so many phrases which just pop up in my head: ain't no happiness nowhere, 'Boy that Spielberg's something else' and so on.

Rock had a routine where he stated: if you're white, the sky's the limit/if you are black, the limit is the sky.

That's been in my head right now because I keep these lists. I keep loads of lists nowadays. I write down so many lists I have lists of lists and lists that are epty, lists that are too long which need to be broken down into lists and lists that are only relevant at a specific time.

One list I maintain is a sense of aspiration. Back in the day I used to write these things I called 'intention envelopes'. Around the time that Woolworths closed down in 2009, I went to buy all of their old stock and really really rinsed the place out. (Perhaps I'll talk about that later in more detail). I somehow had a bunch of stationery and I began a mentality of stockpiling things, which is becoming quite unhealthy right now (perhaps I'll talk about that later in more detail). 

(I'm meandering too fucking much for this story.)

Around that time I wrote some things onto some excess envelopes that I just had too many of. These were the Aspiration envelopes. I wrote down things that I wanted to buy, things that I wanted to have. I didn't consider myself materialistic but I then found that as I thought more about the things that I wanted to have, I felt a sense of self-expression through it. By owning something of a certain brand or something with certain features, I am expressing myself and who I am.

The list then became a bit more philosophical (as in psychologically probing) and metaphysical (as in  ontological or 'pertaining to states of affairs rather than things'). I would write things on the list like: get a car, get a torch, get a bass guitar, learn to play the bass guitar, bet a nice metal (as in the music) amp for the bass guitar, get a PhD, be a PhD, have a PhD, have a career, have a house, have an income, start earning....

You can tell that the exploration of the little things we want, when probed deeper and deeper lead to that kinds of aspirations of what one might want of themselves, of society and of the world. 

[cut to 2018] 

Some of the things on my aspirational list I am trying to create a realistic plan to achieve.

The problem is: I need to make £24.7k in savings at least to achieve it. Is that something I can do? 

(not counting the PhD, then that's about 33k (at least for the first year, so maybe 42k overall).

I'm really glad that I'm a salaryman now. I work at a job I never imagined I'd have. I also never imagined I'd enjoy it. I have a job title that doesn't fit my salary (I earn way more...I may be earning more than others who have that job title [who are mostly female, but that's the perhaps a subject of another post]), but I am possibly due for at least one pay rise. 

I want grown up things. I want a Piano, I want a new clarinet, I want to save for a decent car, I want to save for a custom suit, I want to save for a super fancy mac jacket, I need to save for a mortgage (working on it), I want that PhD, I want and I want and I want...

But demand requires supply. Basically I need moolah. I'm making moolah, but the issue is a combination of things, like a good ejaculation, it needs time and volume. I might get all those things done but in a long time, and I need to start saving at a certain volume to fit a time scale. 

Perhaps it all goes down to one thing: money. I work like a fucking dog, but I need to also think about income. Think about other revenue streams. But in order to do that, I really need to have my head in the game. I really need to be on the ball every waking moment to achieve all of those things in my life. 

I'm ignoring relationships as well, that's also important in this very complicated decision matrix. I also need to add some 'plasticity schema' tasks as well to keep my mind occupied. Oh, what about me wanting to get back into the piano and seriously studying and performing again. Fuck. I'm trying to be so many things and so many people, and then I realise I'm too fucking overweight because I overate a few too many days in a fucking row.

Perhaps things aren't so different to 2008.

Back then, I had lots of problems. I had a masters degree to do, I had relationship problems (or so I felt at the time), I had friendship problems, I had my poor health. I also had that unbearable void of having an unknown future. And then the financial crash happened.

This week at the men's group I said during the beginning remarks: on that day I dealt with a 7/10 crisis. I didn't think it was that bad because I've dealt with 10/10 crises on a frequency that gives me a tolerance for dealing with difficult shit. As soon as I said it, I thought I was right about that, but then a couple of hours later, I felt little tingling things in my body telling me that I am not physically okay with being so busy lately. 

When I write my aspirational limit, I think of how high I can soar. When I think of the realistic path to the sun, I am reminded that I need something better than wax wings.