dear diary,

I'm feeling quite unwell today.

In other news: I got an extra shift at the end of november for an event. Extra money...helps at christmas.

Things that make me feel hope

• got extra work this week
• as long as I'm breathing I still can change things

Things that make me feel vulnerable

.

• I'm frightened by an analyst job vacancy that i need to apply to
• I'm frightened by preparing for civil service test
• I'm frightened about relapsing

Things htat have happened lately:

• I've submitted a review for the Sentinel's Games page
• I've been to a funeral on sunday
• I went to a house party on saturday
• I got a free game
• I got some extra hours and days to work this week
• I'm working on sunday this coming week

• I'm actually really sleepy right now. Perhaps I'll go on and ...face the next day. 

I feel so in touch with my inner vulnerable right now. It's scary, makes me feel small. Makes me also pensie for my actions in the future

Time for bed now

Things I did o nTHursday:

• Booked gym classes for the next 7 days
• CXworks
• Feedly catchup
• Garden email
• Recieved november event shifts
• Received 1 day cover at the Sentinel (next monday)
• Recieved 2 extra events in november (sum total of 5 events)
• Scheduling of work days and updating pay matrix
• Job application: Intelligence Analyst
• Body combat
• Body Attack

Things I've done since I got home (counts under Friday)

• Invited to dinner for a friend I used to do garden stuff with 
• Sent job application: HR admin (British Council)
• ORdered Gramofon device, Spotify offered me one for free. How could I say no?

I'm kind of tired and there's not much more I really can say.

I'm off to bed.

I think I did good today. I think I can be proud of myself.

I'm not feeling so good lately

Work tomorrow.

On wards,

dear dairy,

got 2 extra event shifts, and an extra day at the sentinel.

suddenly I feel more energy.

one of my many 'on this day's lands today. Last year I did a thing that I call 'the big shop'. I've done a few 'big shops' since then. It's a sign of having gotten a bit more work since working at the sentinel to be able to spend money on myself instead of just eking out a living and barely having enough to travel and eat.

Of course, I'm not the only person in the country and the world thinking about money. Nor is my situation 'that' dire. But it isn't great either.

Dear Diary,

I've lived long enough not to care for platitudes. (insert platitude here).

Really feels quite tough to motivate myself at the moment. I can't get myself to do the bank of england job application because...I'm scared.

I'm scared I'll fail, like i always do. I'm scared the other analyst job will just be a disappointment. So scared that I won't bother to try.

I have to shake out of it.

Dear Diary,

There's that american saying: call it as you see it. Meaning being honest.

Things are a bit grey right now. Not bad, grey.

Grey means. I have an interview next month and a few extra days of work to be alright about Christmas.

Grey means I spent the past 3-4 days not being as productive as I could have been.

Grey means my fatigue and mood have been down for whatever reason.

Grey means that despite this Ihave been actually productive, but whether it was for the 'right things' is another issue.

Grey means I've been wanking a bit too much and that's bad.

Grey means I'm starting to plan for Christmas and I have a few gifts to give out already and that's good.

Grey means I can't be a heroic figure who does all the stuff but instead I am dreadfully mediocre

Grey means I've

I will try and get on with my schedule now. Over the past few days it felt like reading newspapers was a massive expenditure of energy, that I'm still recovering from.

Google calendar is my friend. Reminds me of stuff I need to do.

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling too tired to write but I'm a little bit obliged.

On Saturday I went to a family party, cousin's daughters Christening, and it was a nice time. I was anxious about going to work the next day, on a sunday.

Sunday, went to work, relatively on time. I was scared about asking the editor to sign the timesheet but he was happy to oblige. £100 in the bag.

Sunday evening, Bag is really heavy from carrying newspapers (they would have gone in the recycle bin anyway!). So, as I got home I did a bit of reading and put an audiobook on (Goldacre). A lot of my evening consisted of reading newspapers and magazines. Still haven't finished!

My parents came home to tell me that someone at the party last night died on sunday morning. Apparently the guy who lives with his brother was unwell for a long while. It's really a head fuck that I saw someone who ...died so quickly after I saw him. I just found out like less than an hour ago so I haven't emotionally processed this. It's really sad. Apparently he went to my dad and mum's wedding. Back when my parents were immigrants from far away countries and ENgland was an unknown place to them. Not much family or friends in London they kept to the people they did know and still keep close to this day. That guy who died was one of them.

RIP Raj

dear diary,

right now I'm:

• going to continue my bank of england application tomorrow, after seeing it needs an essay length covering statement
• Going to finish my metadata assistant application today
• read some Kant and go to reading group

Dear Diary,

I just finished Moodgym.

Took over a year to do.

I don't know how to feel about it.

Dear Diary,

I'm experiencing a bit of anxiety right now. i thought I might put on my 'comfort music' for now.

Dear Diary,

Hattie from The Sentinel's HR emailed me this morning, offering 3 days of work covering over two desks. I replied with: let me check...YES I'LL DO IT

I have to cancel some things.

At the point before I checked my emails I was feeling a bit pensive. I was googling the meaning of 'existential crisis' and I think it applies to me. I was still in bed. Now I am out of bed I have got a lot to do all of a sudden. I've set a lot to do for myself today. I have to push hard. I am even putting in a cheeky gym session after I get to the GP today.

Google calendar and Google Keep are my friends right now.

I've scheduled myself to have lunch now.

Toodles.

Things I like about October:

• Memories make things familiar 
• cold feels familiar when everything else is new and scary
• memories make me a different person
• winter clothes
• universities are bustling with activities and press releases
• cosy rooms but not too cold, and not too cosy to be hard to get out of bed
• summer was still not long ago

Things I did on tuesday:

• Garden minutes - sending out
• Job search
• Feedly catchup
• Netflix: arrested development
• Non priority schema
• Piano practice
• Replied to Party invitation
• Purchased 6 months fetlife
• Badminton
• Badminton (2)

Today counts as 10 things.

There are moments when I feel that I am either living a delusion of grandeur or having absolute introspective clarity.

I've read about 100 blog posts/journal articles/tumblr kitty posts in the space of...2.5 hours or so and (not finished) I feel like I am staring into my soul and I see some unrealised self.

Does everyone want to be more than they are?

I sometimes want to do a PhD, I sometimes want to be a Philosophy lecturer. I think it would be boring and limiting. I'd be limited by the shitty funding and the oppressive state of higher education today. I kind of dream of having a position like Nietzsche where they let me do what I want for a brief moment of genius before I lose my shit. Or be an illusive Rector like Kant and do the boring admin stuff but actually really have the freedom to be a big-shot academic writing treatises that only pillow fuckers in the 2010s understand (now THAT is a delusion of grandeur).

When I used to purge, Mia would say to me...you are so close darling (slightly trying to explain something completely internal in a way a normal person might understand, so a metaphor of a woman talking to me fits best), you just need to keep purging...keep trying to achieve that weight and you'll be there.

That feeling of yearning, striving, I miss. I remember when I was doing my 'A' levels and I'd stay at home at my computer up late until about 2-3am doing work and I'd stop only because I felt exhausted. I pushed myself so hard and I miss that person I used to be.

I also believe (my standard narrative) that it was that kind of behaviour that caused me to have a breakdown which led to severe depression.

I miss working hard. I miss how when I was 16-17 I worked really hard at night studying with the belief that I'd get a UCAS offer to Kings College or Marjon or York or Bristol University. I remember having that feeling...belief...of aspiration. I'd aspire to be more, get adegree, get a job like my sister, fall in love and do the whole marriage/babies/get a house thing.

10-12 years on and I'm still 16 years old. I'm applying to jobs that 21-24 year olds are applying to, and that I'm not fucking getting. Sometimes I get invited to do an adult job but I still don't get it because someone older than me is massively overqualified.

Life is simple when all I can express of these difficult thoughts and feelings, is simplified into putting two fingers down my throat.

I'm so tempted right now. SO many feelings, my hopelessness, my hope, my sense of striving to self realisation, and the vivid way that I remember things from a past no longer relevant to my present.

I'm going to stop writing this post and get on with my blog reading.

Dear Diary,

My coffee stirrers and 'new situations' have been low lately. Perhaps because I haven't been out of the house except for the gym lately.

However I must admit that I feel this week went well. One interview invitation for next month, a job application done plus I survived a lot of low-ness lately.

Today I got up and thought: fuck the garden so I stayed in and watched Andrew Marr. I then did some filing to deal with a fuckload of documents next to my desk. I am not even close to complete on it, but I only just need to do it gradually and I'll be done.

After that I decided to go to the gym which is not in accordance to my routine. I've had back issues so I did some exercises which were gentle to my back but very oriented to recovery. Namely, squats and glute bridges. Having said that I really could have just done those exercises at home making the trip to the gym unnecessarily wet. It was really pissing down today, in a way that says: we are really in the middle of Autumn now.

I have weird emotions about this time of year. I feel like...I'm reverting to a personality that I used to be. I don't know how to feel about it. In a way I feel at home, in another way...I don't want to be that person anymore.

I also overate today.

Dear diary,

I've been fully into the things I've done lately, which means being tired a lot.

I woke up, did two classes at the gym. Intended to do just one. THe second one really killed. I can't get out of my chair without severe pain. I think I need to take time out of the gym...AGAIN.

In other news, I have a busy few days ahead. Even though I'm not working so much over this month (currently) I an continuing with it all. I find it suspicious how I haven't gotten feedback from my interview that I didn't get through on. My brain's thinking the worst.

I had an epiphany a couple of nights ago, it goes something like this:

A particular theme of the things that get me down are that they fall under two kinds of thoughts, dwelling on the past and dwelling on the unknown future.

When Dwelling on the Past the world that I think about is ultimately a closed one, because all the stuff its about already happened. Even though that world was shit, it is something I am familiar with and re-live with a modicum of comfort, because it's familiar

What's harder to think about is the present, and the world of now. I should choose to focus on the world of now and less on the past, acknowledge that I feel those things about the past, and then just get on with stuff. I feel like I'm without the things that make me, me. I've felt that way before and the way I managed was to just...get by and take on a new identity and new things, new habits. I suppose I could very well do the same thing again. Rise from the ashes.

The world of now is not introspective, it requires action and things that are very real. The world of my memories is closed and I can always go back there. I can't go back to things as they are now, for better and for worse. Got to focus on the present.

I might go to bed in a moment. I keep going to bed late lately.

 

 

 

 

 

dear diary,

I'm feeling a bit tired tonight (at 11pm). That makes a difference from going to bed at the likes of 4-5am.

Before I sleep I want to list the stuff I've done today:

• Went to work
• (during work) Read all my latest RSS items
• Catch up on magazines and readability
• Job Searching
• Received email confirming my place on a civil service assessment day
• Watched The Desolation of Smaug on netflix after I got home...bloody good film I must say.

I'm going to try to go to bed now.

My brain feels like i've done enough today.

Good night.

dear diary,

i missed the GP appointment because sleep.

I had horrible insomnia last night.

Was in  a dark place last night.

Getting ready to get out of the house now.

Dear Diary,

I felt quite low today. I haven't been in a good way. But I managed to get a few things done. After a bit of a struggle.

I must try to sleep earlier. I've got a Gp appointment later in the morning.

I don't feel as tired as I should be.

dear diary,

I am kind of depressed again.

I am struggling to get on with my to do list

In terms of job applications, I did well this week. Later today (saturday) is my only work day this week. I'll be working on a saturday, after work I'm going to a family party.

I wish I could sleep right now. I am having a couple of worrying thoughts in my mind. I wish I could relax

3 years ago to the day my uncle died.

I'm not sure how to feel about that.

These days I watch episodes of things on netflix and tivo like Cracker and Highlander. Nostalgia tv as it were. I like how (not for cracker) there are episodes which are basically open and shut. Open: problem. Resolved: closed. Very simple.

I had a really really bad depression/ED temptation episode today. I pushed myself, I pushed and pushed and pushed to get things done. The hours went by like sand in one of those glass timers and I didn't notice it go by. I was too busy.

I really wish I could push myself more like that. I also don't want it to have to take a serious upset moment to lead me to do that.

I'm proud of myself today. I survived some pretty bad triggers. I'm still hurting and its not 'resolved' y a damned sight, but... I did good. I gave something to fight those demons that I have. Something to show for myself.

Now it's tomorrow to think about.

Things I did on Tuesday (revised)

• Playing saints row 4 on my new computer, before almost vomiting
• Email catchup
• Feeling low
• Messaging RE: date I have tomorrow
• Piano
• Readability catchup
• Received exstra shift at work
• Reply from interview/asked for feedback
• Sent application: public affairs assistant (didn't get)
• Spirometer readings
• Update garden planning document
• Badminton

I think that is a good productive day.

But what I felt earlier in the morning...was scary.