Dear Diary,

 

I feel less confident right now. I feel a little bit defeated. I feel a little bit afraid - I want to hide away from things. 

 

Spent a lot of today sleeping. I did however catch up on an audiobook in some of that time. 

 

I'm feeling really slow right now. I'm not feeling so hot right now. Maybe I'll feel tomorrow. Probably not.

I'm doing the moodgym at the moment. Read soemthing called mental biofeedback - where you keep a log or counter of things that eat away at you. that's sort of what I do on this blog...except I sometimes talk about good things too.

 

I've felt really tired today. I just have no energy. Didn't go to the gym. Didn't do anything. Just felt miserable. 

Dear Diary,

 

I've been thinking about the amount of money i've spent on my clothes. I've almost wholesale updated my smart and smart/casual/going out inventory. 

 

I've thought about this issue when I had an eating disoder, of trying to change my clothes and have a kind of thematic unity to them that captures who I am. I used to think I would be all about gap tight t shirts and cord trousers for the rest of my life. However I think I've changed since then. Not by that much, but the change is subtle and it is for me, very much there. 

 

I have been wearing my new backpack around lately, its a bit smaller than my usual backpacks, plus itsp robably the first backpack or piece of luggage I've bought since 2009. I need clothes to define me, I suppose because I feel so identity-less in the world. Also, I love how a nicely cut shirt fits my body. I feel good! 

 

 

Today is another day.

Dear Diary,

 

My bowel movements are a bit funny lately, I've still got a dicky tummy, but I am able to do the gym and my appetite is back. My libido is not what it was though. I've got an extra shift at work tomorrow, its a long one, 13 hours. That's almost the equivalent of what shifts I had last week in hours - so maybe that's my way to make up for lost time last week. 

 

I started using my fitness pal lately, I found out that I ate nearly 8000 calories last night. Fuck. I did other things yesterday, I'm trying to catch up on my book review. I am also trying not to think about that job interview on monday. I had a job interview at the Sentinel, dont know if i mentioned that. Its for a PT role, except for that its not a bad role. Executive assistant/dogsbody. 

 

I'm working on a graduation tomorrow at Shambly. Something fucked up happened earlier this month. Someone at Shambly (a contractor) blabbed about one of our events and it made my bosses very angry. It made me feel really bad and insecure as well because, they wrote for the Sentinel. I can't be seen working for another job that is criticising where I worked for 3 years. 

 

I am back to normal again, whatever normal means. I should think about getting ready for work. I don't need breakfast as such today, I ate a fuckload earlier in the morning. I had a nice wank this morning too - tablet computer is a lifesaver for wanking purposes. 

 

In other news: I am aware that I am posting in a different frequency lately. I guess writing on this blog has taken on a different meaning for me lately. I've had more thoughts about getting things done and trying to move ahead, thinking about the future. 

 

I think my mindset has definitely changed to previous times: I am looking to the future, I am hoping more. I feel like I've survived the worst of November's memories. You know what? I also think those memories can't hurt me as much anymore. I'm much stronger now. I just wish I was physically stronger lately. I lost a lot of muscle mass being ill. Those 7.8k calories are not good. I absolutely must work out more, and change my diet. 

 

Anyway I better get on with getting ready for work. I've got 19 or so hours of work between now and 9pm tomorrow - that basically means, more hours at work than at home. I need to think more about money. I spent a lot in the past few days, I know it was necessary to buy a suit and other clothes, but it still eats at me. I can't spent more than I earn. That's why this interview weighs so heavily on me. On the other hand, I never have any luck with interviews. 

 

Onwards. Today is another day.

Dear Diary,

 

Did I mention that I went on a date last week? She texted me back saying she's seeing someone now - I felt a bit broken when she said that. I was still very ill with the stomach flu so I tried to focus on that instead. I'm getting better now so I thought I might mention it.

 

Another thing that I might want to mention is that my mum is increasingly nagging my dad about how he gets up late and she says things like how he is being selfish and only cares about himself and he doesn't do anything for anybody else and he's just waiting for death doing nothing with his life as my mum holds everything together.

 

Then hearing that makes me want to hide away in bed more. 

 

this month I have been wearing the punishment boots again - I guess I feel like I don't want to wear brogues all the time, or trainers. 

Dear Diary,

 

There is something a little joyous about doing a big shop. I bought a tablet this week, some tactical boots, and I also today got a suit (for work) and some shirts, and a new pair of jeans from uniqlo. I am feeling a bit fabulous. I even bought a silk tie. 

 

I have an interview on Monday, with the Sentinel (of all places!). 

 

I think I am getting better. I am a little bit queasy but I think I am slowly getting back to some kind of normal again. I hope. 

Dear Diary,

I'm getting better

 

This stomach flu has made me come out a different person. I have suffered some emotional memories and physical ones too. I have refocussed myself, also I bought myself a tablet computer. 

 

I did the gym on thursday. Did the gym on friday and I'll do it later on this (saturday) morning hopefully. So here's 'the list' of what I've done for friday:

• Applied to grad scheme
• Went to gym class (lovely fiona was there - hmmm fiona is looking a lot thinner than I remember - heard she teachers around central london)
• Got an interview - set for monday
• Job search
• Clarinet and piano practice
• Entered december shifts
• Archiving 
• (Cancelled work today)

So, off to the gym now. why did i just say that?

 

There's always more to do. 

I'm still not 100% but who ever is in this world. 

Things I've done this Wednesday:

• Archiving
• Job Searching
• Sent applications (3)
• Purple schema tasks
• watched films
• some blogging
• slept a lot

Still feeling ill. Although I'm more conscious, my digestive system has certainly had better days. Although I'm getting my appetite back, my bowels have had better days.

 

I think I'll have to do the unthinkable, and cancel work on friday. Shit...

 

I just hope there's some kind of karmic redemption to this absurdly horrible situation.

 

 

Dear Diary,

I woke up early, went to the hospital today. I saw the psychologist, we talked about the chilhood documents. I don't think we did very well in the session. I am distracted by the whole autism thing.

Perhaps more than that I tried with my best efforts to get stuff done. I then fell asleep. I wake up at 6pm. I had a bit to eat, and then set up on my desk. 

Since then I have been trying to get on with tasks. I wonder to myself if I'll feel better to work on Friday. I really want to work, but on the other hand if I can't work, I can't work. Just have to accept it. I will spend the next few hours trying to get stuff done, or failing that, if I'm too tired I'll rest. 

 

Can't give myself a hard time. If I get things done, I win, if I sleep, I get better, I win.

Hopefully when I get better I can move at my life in a higher gear. 

Things I've done yesterday (despite being ill)

 

• Emailed to cancel shifts
• Get out of bed and feed myself
• Garden scheduling
• Paid £50 into my account

Things that I've done sicne midnight

• Got Spotify Premium
• Told My boss what shifts I can do this december

Dear Diary,

I cancelled 2 days of work. I have food poisoning, or the flu, or something. I feel like shit. I am dependent on lemsip-impersonation drinks (beechams?) and I have just about got my libido.. I ate today, I haven't got much of an appetite, and everything is all kinda spacey. This is how severe depression felt. I distinctly remember it. My head was in a daze and I can't move, cant get out of bed and lost interest in everything. 

It's funny. Feeling that way again made me realise how much I want to do stuff. I want to go outside, live my life and embrace things fully. 

On the other hand I can't be asked to sit in front of a computer doing data entry and writing covering letters.

I'm feeling better...i think. I think it would be safe to spend some time away from work for now.

I got my childhood records.

 

It's quite upsetting.

It says things like:

 

• We can't assess Conatus' true ability because of his anxiety and problems with interaction
• My difficulties at school
• A list of who my friends were and information about them - including how one of them had a mother with schizophrenia
• My childhood records show evidence of a fixation with violence

 

This is new information. Its upsetting me.

Dear Diary,

 

So I've got this date tomorrow, well, since its technically saturday - later today.

 

I think I feel what they call butterflies. It's exciting. I love how 'normal it is. I just want to have a normal adult experience...I want to have a normalised life after going through what I did. 

Dear Diary,

 

I asked out a girl last night on okcupid, well, we sort of asked each other out. I like her, she seems nice.

 

I shaved my beard and did some manscaping just now. The feminist people are being helped by me with their AGM - they are having some serious problems. I've got various things to do and I'm not doing so well with my schedule. Yesterday disturbed my routine quite a lot. 

Got an email from my past self today. It was about a year ago, talking about the funeral. Quite nice of him to remember me. 

 

I shaved my beard. I am now officially beardless. After I saw 3 grey hairs on my beard I felt that I had to shave it off. 

Dear Diary,

 

Things I've done today:

• Got my Clarinet back
• Practice clarinet excitedly
• Made dinner for mum and dad - its a big meal - took about 3 hours to cook, it will last probably 3 days
• Went to gym class

dear diary, 

 

just a throwaway comment, Katie Melua's latest album/ep is a pile of shit, it is derivative from her own past work, which is shit of the highest order.

Things I did today:

• Job application at the Sentinel
• Body Pump
• Body Combat
• Garden meeting
• Sent email to HR person about possible availability
• Job searching
• Doing helpful stuff for feminists

Now come tomorrow - lets do more.

I love doing gym stuff. I'm getting addicted to it. I need it inside - I need the feeling of validation.

'that day' anniversary

dear diary,

 

I'm awake at 3am and canot sleep. 

 

Then I realised today is 'that day'.

 

I've said it. and Now I'm going to carry on with other shit.

 

Did some archiving just now. That's osmething that keeps me busy.

 

Got a few days off work...I can use this time to get more shit done. Shit that I intended to do for a long time.

dear diary,

 

I've not been writing in this lately. 

 

I'm worried about money. I applied to a job that I really want this week.And I'm doing a nice amount of gym lately.

 

Archiving tonight. I'm feeling kind of lonely.

two dreams last night

dear diary,

 

I had two dreams last night.

 

First Dream:

 

I was starting a new work placement. It was in the same form as working at the Sentinel, but the woman told me my first day was a trial to see if I was ready for the rest of it. I would be doing a masters in 'theological administration' or something afterwards. All I remember of the job was running around this building which seemed like the media centre (that used to be the old BBC buildings) and having to just be a busybody. it felt unhappy but I thought to myself: is this the only way I can get another masters degree? I really thought to myself that this was the only route out.

 

Second dream

 

It was a school reunion, and I had my clarinet repaired, and I saw all these guys who used to remember me and that I was a fairly able musician at school, then my friends were there and we practiced some jazz stuff. Actually in my dream, in that moment, I actually started thinking about clarinet technique and fingerings and blowing technique. Needless to say I was ac tually better in the dream than real life.Then I saw this guy, he was dressed in what can only be called a black monk's robe and had an awful monk-like hairstyle with these round Mahler glasses, and it was the guy I knew from school who has become a priest recently. I said 'hello father' to him. 

 

I then woke up feeling miserable. I felt horribly isolated and I felt like there were very limited opportunities for me. 

God, life is sad. Now I have to get up again. 

I'm upright, now I'm off to do my errands. Working until maybe 4pm, then off to work.

 

 

Dear Diary,

 

My phone was fucked yesterday. I had to buy a new one. I'm not too happy about it as it doesn't have a good memory. One day I'll buy another phone, and that phone will be my backup. LIke Walter White.

 

Woke up late as fuck today. I'm feeling quite disoriented. I did a double session at the gym yesterday, went to CBT, and I had a semi-massive anxiety moment for my phone. I need my phone for living so I really got stressed about it. It's over now, the stress, that is. 

 

Tomorrow is 'that day'

 

 

currently watching world war z

- shit scared right now

Saw this story in the news and made me laugh: this is exactly what I did for the past 2 months - sorting accreditations for journalists: 

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-stoke-staffordshire-24743660

Things I did today

• Gym
• Audio archiving
• Sent email to my recent ex-manager at Sentinel sport
• Received reply
• Went to Buddhist discussion group 

 

In other news - went to the gym this morning (feel great afterwards - although really tired at one point); and now I got a list of shit to do...gotta get on it. 

Sometimes the things that seem to matter I procrastinate about the most.

Dear Diary,

something had been on my mind since I finished at sentinel sports: should I ask the manager for a reference? 

I finally emailed back, asking her. I...was really anxious about it. The thoughts I had:

• She's not going to accept it
• she's going to ignore it
• she's going to think badly of me if i asked
• she's not just going to reject me, but it will look badly on my presence in the organisation

 

Feelings

• Guilty - I feel bad for asking her - like I'm asking her for something unreasonable
• frustrated -for being so ...procrastinating about this.
• worried - about the implications of not asking

I did it. I fucking did it. 
FUCK 

 

FFUCK

 does it feel like a relief? no. Does it feel like I'm not worried about it anymore - well, less.