Saturday, March 2, 2013

Monthly Review (Introducing Fatigue days) [Listening to Gibbon Volume 2 at 2:36am)

Went to work today. Then went to sleep. Woke up, ate a bit. Slept again. Woke up, ate again, watched Armageddon on TV. I am surprisingly impressed by that film. Saw it when I was 12. Fucking hell that's a long time ago. I'm currently doing a task that I call the 'monthly review'. I'm reviewing how many training sessions, practice sessions, job applications and interviews I have had.

This is a way of measuring my progress. I am also going to now monitor how many fatigue days I have. Yes that's a new thing I've conceptualised.

What's a fatigue day?

A fatigue day is when I am incapable of doing anything constructive. It hopefully coincides with fitness rest days. However as well as physical rest days for my muscles, my brain needs rest days too. I'm becoming very aware of my limitations, most of all aware of my mental health.

I give myself a hard time quite a lot. This is the cost of it. I get tired some days. I just have to accept it. I put on a few audiobooks in this down time. I have had a lot of trouble being able to have down time, allowing myself to have down time, being able to mentally stop. Of course my fear is that if I stop, I will never start back again. And that is a reasonable fear. So that's why I keep working myself. It's a paradox: keep working because you will not get back to it when you take a break (and this has been the case), or take a break and take that risk. Or crash and not be able to get back to it for a while. I need to have an equilibrium.

Today's a fatigue day. Mentally and physically. I'm glad I worked the hours that I did today, but there's more to do. There's a receipt pile, a lot of shit that needs tidying around in my room and a social life that is virtually non-existent.

4 days working this week. I probably did about 22 hours this week. Almost like a part time job. Almost.

I know that I won't be working like that for another couple weeks. So have to milk it. Money issues still prevalent. But at least I will have more time now. Time to apply to jobs. Time for gym. Hell, even time for masturbating.

I've been thinking about how much music means to me in my life. It's something that I'm starting to feel really passionate about. Something that is really touching me in a way few other things can.

I kind of accept life is shit. That's why I love the idea of things that elevate from everyday life - like music. Orgasms are close to that kind of feeling too. Oh, and fast food.

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