March mornings should not be so fucking cold.

Dear Diary,

 

Woke up, going to work in a moment, maybe after I have a shit.

 

I had a dream last night, about Marie. I had some upsetting trigger a couple of nights ago and I was re-living memories about her - realising how strong feelings I had for her at the time. I dont think I felt about a person like that ever since. I fell in love after her, but there's something about the way she touched me so intimately, nobody could even touch my cock more intimately than the way she got into my mind.

I do realise she was very manipulative at what she did, using me to do her little favours. I don't know why I'm thinking about her lately. I've been involved with this performing group and they have brought up some old issues that I have, nothing to do with them but its more about some issues I have, like with Marie.

I also realise how much I miss intimacy. I had some intimacy with Adora, it was intense. I want it again. Although I'd swap intimacy for a full time job, I don't have either. I'd swap both for a PhD, and I'd swap all of those things for greatness. And maybe that's my issue, because if the voice in my head promised me greatness I'd do whatever it told me, including starvation and purging, overtraining and indulging in my rage. 

Not good things. It's the process, the mental transactional nature of my behaviour that is fundamentally worrying.

I should expunge my bowels before I go to work. My anxiety manifests as the desire to take a shit. It's very uncomfortable.

Nice to have a few hours at work today, I like being at work, having small talk with security, the teasing, talking with my colleagues, being a person.

I feel like I'm being multiple people at the moment, in some ways it is very semantically the case that I am.

I think I'll skip gym for today maybe. Or maybe pushing my body all the way is what I need to clear my head and remind me what I am deep down. I did a good session at the gym.

Doing stuff like music, weight training, writing - I feel these are possibly helping me. I also realise things have gotten downhill lately. I am starting CBT next week. I'm scared about opening up, but I must open up in order to change my thinking, feelings and behaviour.

Onwards