had a dream last night/this morning. it was my brother's wedding (he's not engaged) and for the wedding i was asked to join an impromptu orchestra to play a bass clarinet. but everyone was bing a cunt about it because i was given no priror notice. thhen i beat osome people up and all of the whitep eople there accused me of being entitled, then i met a friend from uni before i went o nstag.e. and for some reason therewas a big seth mcfarlane vibe to the music

a difference in world

The worst thing about finding it hard again to trust people, is opening up and being vulnerable to trusting other people. And then benig let down by them.

The CBT people have fucked me around. They keep giving me different stories and I'm not happy about this.

I feel angry about it

I also feel betrayed.

More than angry. I feel betrayed. my worldview is confirmed again. The difference between a happy and a sad man is a difference in world

Dear Diary

I've been awake for 6 hours. I've done a few tasks but not that much. I feel like the time hasn't passed at all. On the other hand I also recognise I'm reaching my limit. My brain feels like it could easily just stop and rest. But I need to push more. That junk food was really good earlier on today.I need to get more water.

Need to apply to more jobs.

I'll see how this Anxiety diary works.

spring cleaning stuff

Things I found hoarded while looking for micro usb charger:

• Jaegermeister test tubes from night out in 2010
• Fancy cloth found at a restaurant
• Folding keyboard like the one from die hard 4 (circa 2009)
• ticket stubs from mcdonalds monopoly promotion from 2011
• Tube route for central london from 2010

Got to get rid of this shit. Maybe I'll give the hanky to mum.

spring cleaning

Going through my wardrobe. Thinking about my anxiety and all the feelings and things I hold on to. I went into my wardrobe and just saw lots of shit I could just get rid of. A GCSE mathematics guide from 2000 syllabus; a demo disck from PC Gamer March 1999 issue, a CD RIP of various shitty movies and games that my mate used to sell back in year 9 - he's now a research statistician with a successful career and life and job and girlfriend and parties all the time. I need to let go of this shit. It's clutter. Emotional and physical.

Time to let go. Time to get rid.

I'd say breath of fresh air, but my room has become suddenly dusty after all that shit was taken out.

Also - I need a charger for my phone.  That's what I was actually looking for. The wire went loose for my phone charger. Fuck.

wankerholic

so I've made an anxiety diary.

Now I'm feeling distracted. Actually I want to masturbate. I said in the last message that I absolutely must avoid wanking. But now I'm tempted. I want that hit of pleasure. I want to eat something snacky and junky. I need a bit of release.

So: wank or snack? That's the question on my mind. I do feel desperate for a release. Maybe the kind that involves salt in my mouth might help me through.

Must avoid wanking. I'll wank after gym - as a treat for myself.

Now I'll get some big pack of crisps from the local newsagents. I love that there's a polish community that sells really big packets of their local crisps. Its a guilty pleasure, also guilty because I wonder if by buying out all their cheap polish crisps, I'm depriving some polish folk of their cultural food - which is exactly the reason why the local shops stock them.

 

Ah fuck it. I'm hungry.

Foodwards!

Anxiety diary

Dear Diary

 

I'm slowly going through tasks.

I'm preparing them so that I go through them all at once hopefulyl quickly

 

I'm also currently designing an anxiety diary with a spreadsheet. I'm going to do an hourly measurement of my anxiety. I'm having a lot of thoughts and feelings of fear - and hope. The fear: examining my anxiety critically is upsetting. The hope: using these methods might make it better -the fear - is the hope at the same time. I'm scared of recovering, because being ill is so familiar.

But I want to move to the new territory I need to.

six solid ass hours

Dear Diary

Wake up, feel awful. Psyche myself up to get up.

Now I'm actually doing what I need to do.

In my head I'm telling myself: You have six hours to get all your shit done, then off to the gym.

Six hours.

Six SOLID ASS HOURS.

We can do this

Try to avoid distractions

Although I am hungry

Try to avoid wanking

 

tuesday thoughts (ambient silence of the external fan at 2356)

I had a middling anxiety attack today. Not massive, but not small. Middling makes it sound small.

 

It was bad though. It made me feel really upset.

 

Things I did today:

• Badminton
• Got extra shift at work (4 hours in easter)
• Bought Earphones (no charge - used amazon voucher)
• Blogging stuff

Things I need to do

• Job Search
• Job applying
• Get interviews
• Get money
• Get my life back

I'm not doing so well right now. I find comfort in food. Don't really find much else a comfort. Masturbating a bit. Alcohol not really. I'm supposed to be drinking on saturday night. Not so keen.

saw an article on food banks

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-21936248

 

Just reading this story - This is fucking sad. Its horrible that the economy is in this way. This is the result of austerity in my view, and its not fucking good.

This is the world I'm living in right now and its why I don't feel so inclined to get out of bed right now. But I did. and I have to push on.

An average day - except its piss cold in late march

Things I've done today:

 

• Blogging
• Got extra shift at work (an extra £45 in the bank) very much needed
• Jobs searching
• Catching up on emails, including a Guaranteed Interview Scheme thingy
• Ate a lot of meat

Got up at 9am today, no complaints about that, then I took a couple of breaks, did a bit of thinking. Now brain feels like I've done a bit.

 

Could do more, but there's always tomorrow? Or does tomorrow never come and I have to go all out?

I'm not sure if I need a recovery day after my long sunday- I was around a lot of people.

still snowing on 24th march

Dear Diary

Did some travelling today. It snowed a bit. I felt anxious. I got tired. I didn't eat much today

Then I gorged when I got home.

Did a lot of piano shit today.

I earned my sleep!

Tomorrow is another day. Hope I get on

snowing in late march

Dear Diary

A day where my mind is more at rest than usual. but not resting. Did the gym, a really fucking intense class, then got some nandos, had a laugh, my friend came over, we did some music stuff, had more laughs. Then I went to bed, practiced piano, looked at some blogs, thought about alternative for google reader, ate a lot, and now I'm possibly ready to end the day.

 

Also its snowing a fuckton today. Not good. WTF is with the snow, really?

this is what I do in early 2013

eating non dairy yoghurt and watching 2 broke girls

dear diary

 

Get home

laptop power cable is fucked. Anxiety alert.

March mornings should not be so fucking cold.

Dear Diary,

 

Woke up, going to work in a moment, maybe after I have a shit.

 

I had a dream last night, about Marie. I had some upsetting trigger a couple of nights ago and I was re-living memories about her - realising how strong feelings I had for her at the time. I dont think I felt about a person like that ever since. I fell in love after her, but there's something about the way she touched me so intimately, nobody could even touch my cock more intimately than the way she got into my mind.

I do realise she was very manipulative at what she did, using me to do her little favours. I don't know why I'm thinking about her lately. I've been involved with this performing group and they have brought up some old issues that I have, nothing to do with them but its more about some issues I have, like with Marie.

I also realise how much I miss intimacy. I had some intimacy with Adora, it was intense. I want it again. Although I'd swap intimacy for a full time job, I don't have either. I'd swap both for a PhD, and I'd swap all of those things for greatness. And maybe that's my issue, because if the voice in my head promised me greatness I'd do whatever it told me, including starvation and purging, overtraining and indulging in my rage. 

Not good things. It's the process, the mental transactional nature of my behaviour that is fundamentally worrying.

I should expunge my bowels before I go to work. My anxiety manifests as the desire to take a shit. It's very uncomfortable.

Nice to have a few hours at work today, I like being at work, having small talk with security, the teasing, talking with my colleagues, being a person.

I feel like I'm being multiple people at the moment, in some ways it is very semantically the case that I am.

I think I'll skip gym for today maybe. Or maybe pushing my body all the way is what I need to clear my head and remind me what I am deep down. I did a good session at the gym.

Doing stuff like music, weight training, writing - I feel these are possibly helping me. I also realise things have gotten downhill lately. I am starting CBT next week. I'm scared about opening up, but I must open up in order to change my thinking, feelings and behaviour.

Onwards

remembering lordi (yes, that finnish band)

I know its a really silly thing to say.

 

I'm re-living memories a lot, something I do generally.

 

Back in 2006, I had a really nice boost when I listened to the Finnish band Lordi, as you might be aware they won that year at Eurovision. I got into heavy metal at the time, and I felt like I was getting into a new world. A world that was different to the past and a world that I could call my own. I am listening to it now and it gives me a feeling of what I had back then - hope - afeeling of in spite of all the darkness, was a little bit of a thing to smile about, a bit of respite from pain to get on.

 

I am listening to lordi now just to remember that feeling.

wednesday reflections

Dear Diary,

I wake up without having to worry about getting up. Its a luxury and an indulgence. Went travelling on sunday. Had somewhere to go on monday, did some music stuff. Tuesday I was working all day, then did badminton and had a nice laugh with my boys.

Today? I'm gonna catch up on stuff.

I am having a moment of awareness about a few things:

1. I need to do less
2. I need to plan to do less
3. In doing these two, I need to do more within what I plan
4. i know this sounds cotnradictory - what I mean is - I need more time off to recharge, and when I am 'on' I need to be more intensive.
5. My anxiety is not very good lately
6. I'm having eating disorder temptations.

Fighting accidie today

Dear Diary

Did some music stuff today. Called the Psychology services to advise about cancellation. I did some scheduling for community group. I sent off shifts to the boss. I then came home after visiting a friend, and I thought to myself that I should not go to the Gym today and instead try to catch up on things.

I came home about 5pm. I was thinking about having a rest, going to bed for an hour and laying down. I was listening to a lecture, and then I got on with tasks. I have been thinking that maybe I should push myself- push through the fatigue and try to move forward. I did and I applied to a job. Only one job though. It was for a policy assistant. It had a kinda complicated and long form, which I filled out.

So now...it's nearly 9am. I ate. I have work early tomorrow. Will try to focus on that I suppose.

Onwards? Maybe I'll have a bath/shower, then read some blogs, then go off to bed. I haven't done as much as I would have liked today, but one has to start where they are.

stuff in my head (overflowing from last weekend)

Dear Diary,

I hate feeling self conscious about faux pas stuff.

It's been on my mind lately.

I wish I could let some shit go from my mind.

I'm starting CBT, but not this week.

I dont' think I've talked about it on here.

It makes me feel kind of vulnerable. I'm talking to a guy on fetlife about it, he's gone through it. He says that in order to get over difficult stuff, you have to feel a bit worse to talk about difficult stuff in order to get over it, or find a way of getting over it

There are things that are daunting in my mind. The whole PhD thing. Anxiety. Hopelessness about my job situation.It's all wearing pretty heavily on me.

Got stuff to do today. More than enough. If I just focussed, grafted, went on. Maybe I'll pull through. Got a couple of shifts at work this week, then going to do some music shit.

If I were doing some affirmations I will say:

• This week I'm going to do some music shit
• This week I'm going to apply to some jobs
• This week I'm going to the gym
• This week I'm doing some blogging
• This week I'm going to persevere
• This week will be different

I know someone on facebook who is always on about positive psychology and mindset type things. But to be honest it sounds like she's saying it because she knows her life is dire. It feels like delusion or desparation. I pity her.

Oh another thing. My ex invited me to her wedding.

When I was travelling on the train this week, Mia was there sitting next to me, talking. I just accepted that. Just accept that Mia is present in my mind. I'm really hungry

I gorged a lot today. I was around a lot of people yesterday, and I was a bit apprehensive about eating in front of them. However what I did do was gorge on the way home. It was such pleasure to eat. I don't think that I have eating issues like before. I did drink myself silly on Saturday night - well not silly, just a double scotch, neat. I feel like over 24 hours later my hangover has come. This is the longest wait for a hangover. Scotch is weird

Many things to do. I'm feeling really weak today. Just got to get on.

Just got to move onwards

money woes

Dear Diary,

 

Off to CBT in a moment.

Got paid in today. Had to pay off an overdraft on my other account.

Now I have significantly less money (again). Fuck. I can't live like this

 

Have to keep pushing on. But I don't know how to be honest. I can't go on like this

what I did on tuesday (since its wednesday now)

Dear Diary

Tuesday: Applied to a job, sent off book review, blogging, badminton. Can't remember what else. Oh I read some comics. A lot of comics.

 

I seem to be having a lot of Deep Thoughts. But whenever I open this tab to release them, they disappear. Maybe because I know that nobody reads this blog. Or maybe because there is no point in self expression.

listening to rhianna in a sunny afternoon

things I have done today

wake up late - after long self pleasuring last night - which I haven't done in a long time.

Looked at some music. Blogging. Submitted book review. Ate

Now: apply to jobs

Later: Go to badminton, later session at gym?

Later still - feel tired. Go to bed.

Repeat tomorrow

 

Emphasise: applying to jobs

waking actions (ambient buzzing in the morning)

wake up,

realise that i'm awake

realise that I am in a thing called life and there is a distinction between wake and non-wake

have a piss

look at how the curls of hair on my face have grown since friday - fuck it grows fast

go back to bed

stare at ceiling

have a wank

get out of bed

check if there's a new pope yet - no

go downstairs

think about eating

go upstairs without eating yet

set up computer at desk

stare at the screen

write blog about it

end writing blog

get on with day

Weekly review

10 jobs applied

6 training sessions

3 practice sessions of piano

bit of blogging

 

It's 9pm. Very tired mentally. I feel like I could do more, but my time would be better spent if I just rested.

 

Just need to keep this pace. Maybe lief will have some meaning. Just keep going. Just keep moving.

3:22 in the morning

Things I've done today:

 

• Archiving
• Greader catch up
• Made new playlist (4th this year)
• Entered Receipts
• Sent job application

It took a fair bit of my attention today. I put in a lot of concentration on it.

 

Tomorrow is an 'off' day, I think.

I cant sleep. Maybe I'll get some water.

Work colleague

One of my colleagues who is close to my age that I've been friendly with from around November, is coming back to the UK. He was away for a while - learning spanish/teaching english in latin america.

 

I felt a bit nervous because he texts me saying hes' coming back soon and then saying we should have drinks sometime - just the two of us? That frightens me. I dont know if I can have a chat with him one to one on my own!

Non priority tasks today

Currently going through my receipts - I've been to Nandos a lot, it seems.

 

Had a good intense gym session yesterday. My body was taken to its extremes. I slept in this morning. I didn't give myself a hard time for it.

A post before I go to bed

Today I have:

 

• Been emailing about some composing stuff - quite a new thing for me to be doing
• Caught up on emails
• Explored courses
• Body Attack
• Practice piano
• I ate pretty good today.

Now to bed. I've been working pretty mechanically lately. This is good. I haven't been wanking as much though.

Joy in music, shitness in life.

Things I've done today:

• Practice piano
• Think about songwriting
• Felt ill
• Job search
• Sent application
• Training
• Tidy up some of my room
• More piano practice
• Fell asleep
• not much else

Low mental capacity today, but I did cry when I was practicing piano. I feel a sense of joy in music that I cannot express anywhere else in my life.

I think its just a bad cold - is it a flu?

I think its official.

 

I'm under the weather at the moment. I've got a lurgy. It doesn't matter how I got it, however I think it started on Monday or late Sunday. Monday I was feeling rotten but manageable. Tuesday was the decline, then during badminton I had one horrible crash. I slept early last night. I couldn't do with doing anything else but go to bed.

I was quite delerious during my sleep, interupted, having lots of very strange thoughts, re-living memories and so forth.

Part of me wants to lay in bed and just say goodbye to the world for a while. Another part of me has absolutely no appetite.

So, what did I do yesterday, except for feeling ill

• Booked GP appt
• Practice piano
• Sent 8 applications
• Badminton
• Job Search

All in all are not too bad things. I might try to focus on low priority tasks today. Maybe I can see today as an opportunity to do some free thinking and reading of blogs.

 

Onwards? - we'll see for today. I got up really early, but the novelty of this is lost due to the fact that I'm ill

Got to be hungry.

Sent 8 applications through recruitment boards.

Practiced piano

Did some emailing

Listening to audiobook

Job searching

 

Off to badminton later.

 

It's 12:30. Maybe I'll just take a pause, then get back to it. Avoid burn out. I'm still burnt out from last week.

I've got to be more than I am.

Got to get hungry.

Philip Larkin was right.

have you ever considered when certain people make you feel less open and less able to be yourself.

 

Whenever I hear my dad coughing or talking too much in a group, dominating the conversation. I feel less able to talk. I also realise many other people can be like that when my dad is talking.

 

I hate that about him. But the irony is, with the things you hate about your parents: you end up becoming like that. Some sick irony of the universe.

Got up early today. Good start, but I've got to continue the momentum.

Dear Diary

 

The queen was ill. The pope resigned and the economy is shit. Then there's the backdrop of the job market that ruins my life.

 

Busy weekend. If I remembered what it had that would help. I had a rehearsal today. Since coming home my brain has been all about music and creativity. My head is all up in the air. I need to go down a few pegs. I feel almost manic. I made some impulse buys: clarinets and a saxophone on ebay. Might regret it. Might not!

Must try and sleep now

Things I'm committed to

Things I'm commited to:

 

1. Rehearsing as a pianist
2. involved with garden blog
3. involved with other blog and cabaret rehearsals
4. training
5. badminton guys
6. environmental group (which runs the garden as a sub-group)

It's all a bit much at the moment. Not handling or coping too well doing it all at once. Today I'm doing non priority tasks. Kind of tired right now.

Watching 'Girls' (the HBO show)

Lately I’ve been watching ‘Girls’, the HBO show starring and written by Lena Dunham. Girls has a critical faultline. Namely, whether we like the show or not seems largely to depend on how we think of Dunham’s main character, Hannah.

Why have I been thinking about this? There have been two main reasons. One is that as a bit of a late adopter of this series, I’ve noticed how certain friends and people I follow on Twitter and the bloggosphere (that term is so mid 2000s), tend to have a divided point of view. Ruth Fowler wrote in the Huffpo of the effective social irrelevance and decadence of what this show represents. Effectively concluding that the show represents the worst of female white priviledge. Many people are familiar with the fairly infamous remark of Journo Caitlin Moran that she ‘literally could not give a shit’ about the lack of ethnic diversity in the show, which became a foil for a wider discussion about the ignoring of diversity in media that should intersect with the representation of women.

I’m going to make two points. Firstly, I will look through the show at why the apparently lack of diversity of the characters eradicates avenues of consideration and secondly why I think the show is great, but for reasons which acknowledges the flaws of the character Hannah.

Lack of diversity in ‘Girls’

There’s a line in the first season of ‘Girls’ which effectively says how Hannah’s character, an aspiring writer (which possibly sounds like a variant of the writer’s real life self) is trying to be the ‘voice of [her] generation’. One thing I do like about the show is the backdrop of New York gentrification, the anomie and cynicism of many characters (which often leads to the word ‘hipster’ being bandied around a lot); as well as the depressed and stagnant job market and economy which conflicts against the aspiring nature of the various characters. Many of the characters in ‘Girls’ struggle with finances, finding a long term job and the contradiction of their long term prospects and hopes, against what the world can offer them. That’s a pretty shit world that these characters live in, but the point effectively that Fowler makes is that the reality of the situation is much much worse if you are outside of Hannah’s degree educated white suburban upbringing.

There’s a contrast in criticism, from the point that the show represents an ugly nepotism where effectively priviledged characters are appropriating poverty as if it were their own, like the 19th Century Bohemians before them who proclaimed to represent to proletariat. The other ugly nepotism is allegedly involved in the quick ascension of the show and the star power involved in it.

My interest in Hannah

Hannah is a flawed character. She’s whiny, she doesn’t listen to other people and she always makes things about her. I wonder to myself how much of Hannah’s character is in Dunham. Is Dunham recognising a flawed character, or is Hannah really so self involved that people enjoy this deeply crass person. People hate Hannah and hate the show. I can’t imagine how anyone can like Hannah. I hate Hannah but I like the show. I like a protagonist who is an arsehole

Monthly Review (Introducing Fatigue days) [Listening to Gibbon Volume 2 at 2:36am)

Went to work today. Then went to sleep. Woke up, ate a bit. Slept again. Woke up, ate again, watched Armageddon on TV. I am surprisingly impressed by that film. Saw it when I was 12. Fucking hell that's a long time ago. I'm currently doing a task that I call the 'monthly review'. I'm reviewing how many training sessions, practice sessions, job applications and interviews I have had.

This is a way of measuring my progress. I am also going to now monitor how many fatigue days I have. Yes that's a new thing I've conceptualised.

What's a fatigue day?

A fatigue day is when I am incapable of doing anything constructive. It hopefully coincides with fitness rest days. However as well as physical rest days for my muscles, my brain needs rest days too. I'm becoming very aware of my limitations, most of all aware of my mental health.

I give myself a hard time quite a lot. This is the cost of it. I get tired some days. I just have to accept it. I put on a few audiobooks in this down time. I have had a lot of trouble being able to have down time, allowing myself to have down time, being able to mentally stop. Of course my fear is that if I stop, I will never start back again. And that is a reasonable fear. So that's why I keep working myself. It's a paradox: keep working because you will not get back to it when you take a break (and this has been the case), or take a break and take that risk. Or crash and not be able to get back to it for a while. I need to have an equilibrium.

Today's a fatigue day. Mentally and physically. I'm glad I worked the hours that I did today, but there's more to do. There's a receipt pile, a lot of shit that needs tidying around in my room and a social life that is virtually non-existent.

4 days working this week. I probably did about 22 hours this week. Almost like a part time job. Almost.

I know that I won't be working like that for another couple weeks. So have to milk it. Money issues still prevalent. But at least I will have more time now. Time to apply to jobs. Time for gym. Hell, even time for masturbating.

I've been thinking about how much music means to me in my life. It's something that I'm starting to feel really passionate about. Something that is really touching me in a way few other things can.

I kind of accept life is shit. That's why I love the idea of things that elevate from everyday life - like music. Orgasms are close to that kind of feeling too. Oh, and fast food.

the past two days

tired. go to work. catch up on readability app articles. talk a lot at work. work a lot at work. Go home. tired.

Same thing today as yesterday. except yesterday was long. Wore the same shirt for two days. Tired as fuck. Soul depleted.

 

Need rest.