what now?

dear diary,

 

i can't sleep. there's a lot of shit eating away at me tonight. the fact that I cant get a decent job. the fact that im behind all my peers. the fact that it looks less likely that i'll ever ...make it out of this dark situation.

i've been lots of people and i've said lots of things. there's a lot of dark stuff going on in my head right now. I was thinking about some of the people who have had mental health issues that i've known about in my personal circles. family friends, people from uni, bloggers that i have come to know and admire.

seaneen molloy talks about her physical scars for instance, and how its a symbol of something, her history. how she interpretsthat history is something she herself isn't quite sure of, its something she is continually coming to terms with, as a history, as the present and most importantly in terms of her future.

mia took a lot out of my life. it's taken me a long time to get much of it back together.

I fucked up. i really fucked it up. I could blame marie, but the issues went way before her.

my biggest flaw, my deepest regret, my deepest sense of shame. do you know what it is? its my eating disorder. when i purged, i had a different mental attitude, i got hooked on it, i fell in love with purging, and i would do anything for mia. the price i paid was more than physical, the physical stuff i can hide (unlike molloy), but the mental scars, the scars inside me, that's the stuff that's really fucekd up. i might look like a person who has it together. I might even sound like a normal person sometimes.

it haunts me. everything haunts me. I wish i had some way of coping right now. i've lost hope. i am so ashamed of what i've become. it's 3am, and i'm 25 years old. i'm living the nightmare that I feared most.

what now?

what now?