ship in a storm

Dear diary,

 

Lots of dark stuff going on in my head right now. I'm not feeling very well. I was in bed for a lot of today, wanking too much. I did the garden and helped out in the rain. I did some weeding. I then woke up after sleeping and tidied up the house a bit. I cleaned the house a bit and then something caused me to trigger and reflect on my life.

I'm quite sad right now, I'm feeling a lot of regret. I feel an emptiness and a distinct and fundamental sense of lonliness. Sure I can tell myself that this is just a feeling and it will pass. This feels real. I feel like I'm on a ship in a turbulent storm. I just have to ride it through, right?

Wish I had someone to talk to right now

Dwelling is a luxury I should give up, in exchange for more stuff done during the day. (listening to frank zappa)

Dear Diary,

 

I've not posted much lately. I think if I'm honest, I'm not going to post here as often anymore. I'm just too busy and emotional processing isnt' high on my list of priorities at this time in my life. This isn't goodbye, hell no! But this may mean I post like once a week or maybe less perhaps. I'm not going to be as regular is what i'm trying to say.

 

Talking of being regular, I've felt pretty ill today, physically and mentally. I went to see a Major Comedian last night. I shouldn't say who, but lets say he appears on panel shows on BBC television. So that's 2 new situations, I think I've met my quota for the month. I did pilates today, badminton on tuesday and weights on monday. That's another quota for the week. I'm set for a GP appointment later today (friday), after a couple of aborted things going on on Thursday. I was supposed to be at work, but my event was cancelled. In addition, I was really ticked off mainly the fact that I got into work at fucking rush hour surrounded by these women who were sweaty and attractive, but mostly their handbag was rubbing against my ...handbag. I must admit that was deeply uncomfrotable (sic?) and the tube on rush hour really fucks with my anxiety, to say the least.

 

So I got quite upset thursday and so I was low functioning. Wednesday is a similar story. I'm spending too much money. Not earning enough. I'm not doing well. Maybe I'll talk about the positives:

 

1. Going to see avengers later this week
2. 3 fitness sessions woo
3. finished book for book review
4. started new books
5. managed to practice piano twice
6. went to planning meeting for community garden, got involved, gave advice.

It does sound like I got a lot done this week, but I've had a lot of emotional challenges and things have made me quite depressed for small periods of time. I started talking to mia again. Its difficult to close that bloody floodgate again. Not purging, yet.

Time to go to bed. Would you believe that I'm actually tired. Didn't feel 100% to do pilates today, however it did help with my mood. Exercise is good for the soul. Wish I learned that earlier. I'm re-living a lot of memories of the past in my head. I'm recontextualising the years when I went to uni (but not my masters - well not as much as before). Recontextualising first year mostly. I think it's time for me to make new context on those memories, or maybe i am dwelling too much.

I've got shitloads to do. Dwelling is a luxury I should give up, in exchange for more stuff done during the day.

Dear Diary,

 

I'm feeling listless, not unlike most days of my life. However i'm getting on a little bit today. I sent off an application for big graduate scheme. No expectations. Trying to just get on with it. Very much looking forward to Body Balance later. Might even do a gym session beforehand. I might make 3 hours at the gym and that will really make me sleepy, which I would need as I'm working early tomorrow. I got quite upset yesterday, I started thinking about the past when I was playing piano.

I was listening to a radio programme with Victoria Coren about her diary as a teenager. Coren had such an interesting life and writing career at her exceptionally young age, yet most of her preoccupations were mundane, about boys, her weight and her family. I find that assuring in some way.

Onwards (I say this with a slightly blocked and sneezy nose)

Dear diary,

 

I completed a lot of tasks. Did some book reviewing, did some blogging, did some thinking. I applied to two jobs, cleared a few stray tasks, but more to clear and I went to work. Not too bad I guess. I felt pretty down today, but I feel less down now. Keeping my mind busy is important. I wish I had more company and people to talk to me, though.

Not much else to say. I wish I was more tired. Time to jack off now

downwards!

Dear Diary,

 

A few things are getting me down today. I've learned something very simple. Just because you feel hungry doesn't mean you should eat; just because you feel horny doesn't mean you should indulge the arousal and just because you feel sad, doesn't mean you should indulge the thoughts.

I'm trying to get on with the day that I planned, not the one that I didn't. I feel quite upset today. I won't let it get to me. I was thinking about my past self recently, and i was also thinking that one way in which I'm different today is that I try less to make stuff get to me. I still have a long way to go. I have lots to do and less to say. stuff is getting to me today. I wish I could do the gym today, but I'm working tonight. On the plus side, I'll have time to read my book on the way to and from work.

dear diary,

 

the blessing and curse of hindsight is that you realise the past wasn't as bad as you thought it was.

I'm looking through some videos of me back then, my god I was sexy! I miss my really long hair. Maybe one day I'll let it grow again.

since about tuesday I've had hard drive problems, and I've been venturing to resolve it. I think that I've finally sorted out the hard drive issue by getting another HDD, it cost me a big but I have peace of mind. Looking at the archives make me a bit sad. I used to be a firebrand, an arrogant, exegetical, aggressive and libidinal machine! I feel meek, weak, meagre, pitiful and powerless now.

 

That's the benefit of wisdom and growing old, you realise how powerless you really are. Being 21 was like being on top of the world and I didn't know it. I didn't care. I didn't give a shit and that was so attractive. Now, I'm begging to work in admin. What happened to me? The hard drive incident gave me moment for pause, as I had to venture to save my records (which I did). I started this blog in 2007 to talk about the past. Now talking about the present, I'm met by the ghosts of the days when this blog was in existence. It's weird how that feels to me.

I've got plenty to keep my mind busy with for the next few days. I've even got extra shifts at work. times were so different back then, I was so different back then.

I wish I had someone to talk to. Nobody knows who I am anymore. Nobody really knows me, not all of me.

Keeping anything you can

Good morning,

I woke up to continual hard disk problems (which I'm sure I've gone into at some point), and I'm trying to save some of the data. Anyway one of the things which happened is that I've found an album of pictures in my archive, which include my uncle who recently passed. As with any photo album, there are a few dud pictures, but I was thinking to myself that I couldn't possibly delete even the bad pictures, because its little of what I have of him. I now understand the mentality of trying to preserve what's lost.

That is all

For now, it's just job searching and trying to fix it all.

Dear Diary,

 

I'm having a bit of a difficult day. Stuff is weighing heavy on me and it's getting to me. The fact that I'm mid 20s and not in any discernable career (having my name on publications notwithstanding); the beer belly I have that always looks bigger when I'm sad; the fact that I've not done the gym in a while; the feeling that I'm behind on everything; my shitty bank balance; not being able to afford the things that I really need; not being able to help people in the way that I really should; and just a general sense of not being where I should be in life, is getting to me.

I can say a few positives: I have cleared up my Greader backlog (well most of it); I've cleared up a little bit of the GCal block (but I think I'll be carrying it on when I get back from badminton); I applied to two jobs yesterday. I'm going to do  a double gym session I think. I'll get some cardio done while reading my book review book. I'm feeling quite shit today. I'm going to have to just pull through. Lots of people have it worse off than me. I have had some bad insomnia lately. I will need to tire myself out to start sleeping properly.

I'm feeling horrible today. I'm thinking dark things that I probably shouldn't indulge as thoughts. Separating those feelings and thoughts from who I am ...is how I can try and overcome this.

when there are no precedents to appeal to, or some old wisdom like pithy sayings or religious insights, I just have to pull through without anything. I'll make the insights once I get to them. For now, it's just job searching and trying to fix it all.

typing while watching live bbc1 coverage of the boat race

Yesterday consisted of watching the Hunger Games, eating a steak at the pub with my old mate from university, who has come down from his ivory tower to meet with me. I then went for a weed session with my mates from last week. I got home about 3am, after a lot of laughing and pissing into a fire (don't ask).

My dad is watching the boat race downstairs. There is something decidedly comforting about a bunch of oxbridge types rowing in Putney, sometimes the usual provides assurance in times of constant change. for the past hour I was doing some reading. I'm reading in relation to a book review, but not my actual book review book. The book is quite upsetting, and its made me have some trigger experiences. It's quite low on the distress scale, but I still don't like triggers.

So today, I'm going to a choir rehearsal, then going for dinner, and then I'm going to perform. It's been a long while since I've performed. I'm a little bit nervy about it. There's quite a bit of worry on my mind. not least because I've overspent these past few days. I'm not comfy with going out to dinner, either. There's much to do, but I've seemingly set an organised manner to complete it all. My anxiety is growing a bitright now. I am with no shortage of ideas of things to write about right now.

what now?

dear diary,

 

i can't sleep. there's a lot of shit eating away at me tonight. the fact that I cant get a decent job. the fact that im behind all my peers. the fact that it looks less likely that i'll ever ...make it out of this dark situation.

i've been lots of people and i've said lots of things. there's a lot of dark stuff going on in my head right now. I was thinking about some of the people who have had mental health issues that i've known about in my personal circles. family friends, people from uni, bloggers that i have come to know and admire.

seaneen molloy talks about her physical scars for instance, and how its a symbol of something, her history. how she interpretsthat history is something she herself isn't quite sure of, its something she is continually coming to terms with, as a history, as the present and most importantly in terms of her future.

mia took a lot out of my life. it's taken me a long time to get much of it back together.

I fucked up. i really fucked it up. I could blame marie, but the issues went way before her.

my biggest flaw, my deepest regret, my deepest sense of shame. do you know what it is? its my eating disorder. when i purged, i had a different mental attitude, i got hooked on it, i fell in love with purging, and i would do anything for mia. the price i paid was more than physical, the physical stuff i can hide (unlike molloy), but the mental scars, the scars inside me, that's the stuff that's really fucekd up. i might look like a person who has it together. I might even sound like a normal person sometimes.

it haunts me. everything haunts me. I wish i had some way of coping right now. i've lost hope. i am so ashamed of what i've become. it's 3am, and i'm 25 years old. i'm living the nightmare that I feared most.

what now?

what now?

it's nearly 1337

Dear Diary,

 

I don't normally say this, but I've been reading a lot of books about gender and sexuality lately which have broughti t to my awareness. Last night I was so horny I couldn't sleep. I just kept jacking off. It's a nice way to let off some steam, but when I'm really horny like that, my mind just turns into slush. I'm glad that my cock is quite sore right now which puts me off any self stimulation (well...that's the theory anyway).

Easter has crept up upon me, and I have lots of people asking for my time. I need to do a lot of catchup. I feel somehow confident that this is possible. I'll tell you in 4-5 hours if this is actually the case. I'm thinking of doing another fitness class tonight. I feel like I'm starting lots of new good habits. Last night I was at an environmental group and it was really weird. I wanted to talk about stuff, but I felt it was more liberating if I just listened. Sometimes my brain goes into academic mode and just wants to listen to my own voice. It's a part of me that I don't like about myself, what I might do instead is simply be silent. Nobody really wants to hear what I have to say most of the time.

I'm trying to not listen to mia lately. I thought this was a radical idea, and maybe its the reason I'm doing so shit. I think its going well. Sometimes I just need my own silence to get on with things. I don't need another voice in my head: another distraction.

Dear Diary,

 

3 jobs applied, went to meet new people from meetup.com and met at a pub, practiced piano and even applied to be a blogger at another blog. Not bad for a day's working.

 

Tired now. Must sleep