Friday, August 14, 2009

last year on google calendar

I'm going through (just for the sake of posteriority) my google calendar from last year. Here are a list of things that summed up the zeitgeist of the time:

1. Emailing potential supervisors for PhD
2. Socialising with two guys in grad school who are now PhD students (probably officially second year phds now)
3. Dropping off CVs in shops
4. Going to counselling
5. Purging
6. GOing to gym
7. Living in postgraduate halls full of international students.
8. Looking for flats to live in for my (seemingly inevitable) future PhD course

I'm broken. Things I don't really think are worth thinking about anymore, because they upset me.

I have a lot to be upset about, if I let myself think that way. I think we all do, some more and some less than others.

I must be positive for tomorrow. Today, I've felt...uneasy about people. I realise that my situation in large part is a construction of how i make myself feel. This is not to trivialise what I am going through, but my attitude defines how I get by in the world. A negative attitude attracts negativity. I must be positive.

I feel like I want to cry.

I write this like my diary, but some thoughts I am careful to not talk about. I am not trying to bias how things really are, but I feel that the things that make my soul heavy are things best left unmentioned and I write this to focus my intentions rather than express myself (although that's good too).

I want to go to counselling, but I don't think I can afford it and I don't want people to know. Maybe I can go and see a psychiatrist again?

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