Just now I had a philosophical moment. I was crudely masturbating in a plea to try to sleep (insomnia), and I thought to myself how futile my life is How completely in a void I am, that I am lost, struggling in the pitiful way to get out.
But at least I'm trying to get out. Today (well, yesterday), I sent 3 job applications and asked for an MPhil application form. I'm trying to be positive, it's hard, yes, but I'm trying. There are so many negatives, so many causes for concern, so many things to fear. So many regrets, so many envies, and yet, all of these things are calmed, or perhaps culminated by one thought. It is the single thought that drives me, the thought that I forget when I am trying to find motivation to get out of bed, trying to keep going after facing the despair. The thought, the dream is: being a doctor of philosophy. To get that PhD has been my dream for so long.
I think it's a low point when you start drinking on your own. I think it's a low point to drink spirits on your own. I think it's an even lower point when you buy sainsbury's basics scotch whiskey. I guess this is the lowest point I have ever reached in my life; pissing in an empty bottle of sainsbury's basics whiskey as a resort to not putting your clothes on and getting the effort to leave your room, while smelling your own whiskey-stenched piss and ignoring the spray on the carpet that comesfrom the inevitable process of urination into a small hole, is perhaps the lowest I've been in my life
I think I am surprisingly chirp, given my situation, if I were another person from my past, I would have killed myself right now, but, I'm seeing life as an oppurtunity to change, grow, and fight on.
Tomorrow is a new day. I have been listening to the Louise Hay CDs, and the thing she says is that the first thought of the day defines your mood: is the first thought negative (oh, another day!), or positive?
Google calendar, and my determination shall decide my fate.
Note to self; is masturbating over Marie a good idea?
But at least I'm trying to get out. Today (well, yesterday), I sent 3 job applications and asked for an MPhil application form. I'm trying to be positive, it's hard, yes, but I'm trying. There are so many negatives, so many causes for concern, so many things to fear. So many regrets, so many envies, and yet, all of these things are calmed, or perhaps culminated by one thought. It is the single thought that drives me, the thought that I forget when I am trying to find motivation to get out of bed, trying to keep going after facing the despair. The thought, the dream is: being a doctor of philosophy. To get that PhD has been my dream for so long.
I think it's a low point when you start drinking on your own. I think it's a low point to drink spirits on your own. I think it's an even lower point when you buy sainsbury's basics scotch whiskey. I guess this is the lowest point I have ever reached in my life; pissing in an empty bottle of sainsbury's basics whiskey as a resort to not putting your clothes on and getting the effort to leave your room, while smelling your own whiskey-stenched piss and ignoring the spray on the carpet that comesfrom the inevitable process of urination into a small hole, is perhaps the lowest I've been in my life
I think I am surprisingly chirp, given my situation, if I were another person from my past, I would have killed myself right now, but, I'm seeing life as an oppurtunity to change, grow, and fight on.
Tomorrow is a new day. I have been listening to the Louise Hay CDs, and the thing she says is that the first thought of the day defines your mood: is the first thought negative (oh, another day!), or positive?
Google calendar, and my determination shall decide my fate.
Note to self; is masturbating over Marie a good idea?
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