Friday, January 16, 2009

my secret

today I shall tell you what I have not told a soul, perhaps I shall keep it a secret from everyone, just to feel a sense of power over the world.

I purged just a few minutes ago, I just thought about it, and considered, I ate a lot today, wouldn't it be nice to purge again? I also got a very distressing call from my mum, she is, in essence, chastising me for wanting a PhD.

I forgot how good it felt. The exhilaration and the headrush, the sudden pain that then comes, and lastly, the consequent single feeling of calm.

Well, since this blog is anonymous it doesn't matter telling you. I don't know if this is a start of a pattern, but I did go for a jog today, and I want to lose weight. I was okay with my weight until I started gaining weight again (today I was 195).

Part of me wants to apologise, but I feel morally ambivalent to purging.

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