Wednesday 28 December; Friday 23 December; Thursday 22 December; Monday 12 December; Friday 9 December; Thursday 8 December

 Wednesday 28 December

train home. pub with eric. german doner with eric. 20000steps . treadmill (4). watching a film about dogs a dogts journey i think. night terrors about context collapse , homophobia and a swat team. of( 2). 

. Friday 23 December

day 2 adapting to new glasses. up all niht. it seems that the google keep problem of reloading the page has been resolved. low attendance at body attack class. extremely dizzy

Thursday 22 December

J invited me to a social opportunity in january when she's in london. On this day: reconnected with P. I knew P as D. P's first message to me was: I'm nonbinary and I'm bald now. This is interesting.day 1 adapting to new glasses. two people inviting me to socials. 

Monday 12 December

(at 2am) lots of snow outside. sleet and snow on the pavement making it difficult to walk . exh after work (did not do nps, it accumulated to tuesday). Avoidance behaviour

Friday 9 December

verry cold. exh after too much socilaising yesterday. spent (340£) on glasses (way too much money. 

Thursday 8 December

7:42 train is very packed: avoid. 

Wednesday 7 December

1424: Written speech before event

Google stadia refund issued for the founders edition payment (tuesday)

abc please (30/12/2022)

 A: Accumulate positive experiences. I met with family and friends lately

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless. : Gym and rehab after christmas

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on it

P: Physical illenss prevention: cycling to waitrose often

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I need to improve on this

E: Exercise regularly, yes

A: Avoid mood altering drugs, have I done any takeaway lately? Can't remember

S: Sleep healthy: I think I did okay with this

E: Eat healthy - not quite.

Thursday 29December; Tuesday 27 December; Monday 26 December ; Sunday 25 December; Saturday 24 December

 Thursday 29 december

go to gym AM. wake up early. waitrose + buy dr pepper.  cheese and butter is really expensive. pele died today. went to sleep early evening, wake up late evening. therapeutic writing: 3 . tuesday: buy ticket for club night on jan 4. buy neutradol on tuesday

wake up early. deep thinking about my life. night terrors. yesterday 20k steps. crisis continues at work

Tuesday 27 December

social eating. snacking (Morrisons). 10500steps

Monday 26 December 

Polish shoes. Polish trainers . first time waxing jacket. overeating

Sunday 25 December

manscaping : 6. card from vincent £20. vacuumed bike bag. cleaning gloves. cleaning jumper

Saturday 24 December

Friday - Saturday (planning rib roast)

Sunday 23 October; Saturday 22 October; Friday 21 October; Tuesday 18 October

Sunday 23 October

  watching doctor who finale , feeling very emotional and low. up all night

T said we shouldn't be friends anymore- that was upsetting

Saturday 22 October

john oliver programme upset and exhausted me (1:20am). upset by DWP report that I recieved in the mail.  manscaping (6). hockerty - measurement task. booked counselling appointment. handwashing clothes

Friday 21 October

working through thie night. I watched Black Adam. i have hit 108kg weight. trying out barbour jackets. i was trying out barbour jackets in Elys, xl fits well, but L also fits - i'm tempted to buy L

Thursday 20 October

cost of living payment help announced

Wednesday 19 October

 meeting fatigue

Tuesday 18 October

sick all day after 2pm. speak to dirk. takeaway. 500kcal. could not continue with gym as i felt sick. angry

Sunday 18 September; Saturday 17 September; Friday 16 September; Sunday 11 September; Saturday 10 September; Thursday 8 September; Wednesday 7 September; Tuesday 6 September

Sunday 18 September

 hit 112 kg target. day before funeral. yesterday: no rehab. 112kg  weekly target met 

https://pearlcook.myportfolio.com/aa-williams-live-at-queen-elizabeth-hall-170922

Saturday 17 September

weight today: 112.0kg / 33.7%. . Tuesday: I disposed of my old trainers - mum's charity bag. yesterday: i felt my rehab exercises were getting easier, i noticed a difference

Friday 16 September

busy day at work,. set up 3 screen at work. 

Sunday 11 September

yesterday: Broke washer i discovered after all that time trying to diagnose the problem on my bike. buy wd40 lube and degreaser. (!) MCM press pass application submitted. yesterday i got shampoo bar. I am adapting my behaviour to use a shampoo bar 

Saturday 10 September

2:24-1835 working on the bike. diagnosing problem with bike. working all ay on bike. buy hex nut

Thursday 8 September

Wednesday 7 September

licking problem in my bike as i pedel  on the right side

Tuesday 6 September

on this day: jason momoa shaved his head

on this day: Liz Truss first day

 pain in arms

Thursday 15 December; Wednesday 14 December, Tuesday 13 December

Thursday 15 December

 weds: I did not attend features party -the first time I've nnot done so in about 5-6 years. smoke cigar. problems with train getting home

Wednesday 14 December

104.3kg. wake up with 4/10 difficulty. rumination. struggling. feeling a sense of loss. ankle pain after tuesday workout. feeling like social battery has gone down. received carabiner

Tuesday 13 December

 I got refunded £150 for restaurant deposit booking. I am running behind on work .  1710 I am overwhelmed . struggling to make decisions. i am dissatisied by the beef rib roast made this previous sunday. (£) buy beers. (£) buy gin

Dec 21 2022 (Wednesday); 20 Dec (Tuesday); 19 Dec (Monday)

Dec 21 2022 (Wednesday)

 went to specsavers to pick up glasses
delivery was late so they said come back in 30 mins

i used this as an opportunity to cycle to waitorse to get dr pepper.

103.7kg / weightloss

Dec 20 2022 (Tuesday)

sore throat.

104.4/29.7. buy xmas roast (£). treadmill (3)

Dec 19 2022 (Monday)

shower (1am). buy crystalised ginger for mum. 104.7kg / 29.8%. feeling abandoned. feeling lonely. planning xmas tv (monday after mignihgt). saturday: mum told us thatmy cousins wife H died. takeaway doner cave. sore throat (day 2 or day 1)

ABC Please

 A: Accumulate positive experiences: I met family, tuesday gym was really fun

B: Build mastery in activities: Treadmill

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on it, not quite there but I'm working on it, a paper diary helps

P: Physical illness prevention: Unsure how to answer this

L : Low vulnerability to diseases. I should sleep soon if I could just clear the NPS

E: Exercise regularly: Even being ill this week I managed

A: Avoid mood altering drugs, except for the work party I did manage to not drink any alcohol lately and I'm working on a caloric defifite

S: Sleeep healthy - all days but today

E: Eat healthy: My BF went up but my weight went down.

 my hopes for the future

• Finish logging nps
• complete relevant encyclopedie tasks on my agenda
• sleep
• have a productive friday
• keep fit
• keep caloric deficit (friday)
• rehab (friday)
• gym class (friday)
• steps (friday)
• cycle to waitrose (friday)
• get on top of my logging (friday)
• get on top of reading comics 
• get on top of reading pdfs
• 
  

 Since Sunday I've been feverish, very unwell after my family Christmas. 

I've been still going to the gym, still going to classes, I feel very fainty and I've been off sick for a few days. I've been pushing myslef at the gym and I've really been pushing my mind to its limits. TO the degree that rigth now I feel like I need to crash to bed frequently. But I'm still setting targets for myself, I'm still giving myself shit about not getting stuff done. It feels toxic a bit.

But something just came to me, on my google keep actually. It's self discipline. It's an acknowledgment that life doesn't have a quick fix but needs constant effort. There's a lot of stuff I need to do. There's a lot of stuff I'm despearately falling behind on and I utterly am not doing well right now, even without this fever. But going to the gym, doing my rehab and keeping to my caloric deficit in the tiems of my weakness shows that in the times of my strenght and wellness, that I in my weak state am showing the strong spirit, perhaps even the stronger spirit as I persist in physical and mental agony. 

It's easy to be the hero when everything goes your way. It's hard to just be normal and do normal when things irregularly go against you. This is the catholicism in me that pushes on. 

Sunday 11 December

 cycling in the snow

disposed of 20 books

changed bedclothes. ate beef rib today. It wasn't very good if I'm honest. (£) buy a carabiner. it snowed outside today. watching The Last Manhunt (December bucket list task)

Saturday 17 December -meeting all family after 3 years

 I've deliberately avoided my family for 3 years. I hear that's called estrangement. My sister seemed nice to me. I dread how judgmental she is. The less said about why the better.

Nephew N is tall, he's taller than his mum and grandmother. One day he'll be taller than me. His voice is dropped. Goodness me, I remember when he was in my arms after he was born. Gosh that was a long time ago now. It was the first time I met my niece Ne, she was so tiny when I held her in my arms. I met the dog B , he was kinda scary and way bigger than I expected. The family dynamic was interesting with a dog. Our family really is some kind of model of British multiculturalism. 

Met my brother's family as well, as well as his two offspring his wife was there. I thought his son was a bit rude, no manners in asking for things, he said 'when are you going to give me sweets?'. I don't judge him, I judge his parents. He clearly learned it from somewhere. Its the first time everyone is together.

mum cooked Xmas dinner. I think years from now I'll cherish this day. 

Things I did today: 

Got free papers, went to waitrose, cycling through common . go to gym in morning 

Sunday 18 December

Sunday 18 December

 Things I did.

Went to waitrose. Got dr pepper. met weekly cycling target. Gy. m, hit steps, got a free paper. wake up early. feeling isolated. did not chat to J or Car today. feeling left behind in life . friday: received metal hammer

Friday: opened up package from friend cartoonist and found my name was mentioned on the book . That felt good. therapeutic writing. tired after nps/encyclopedie/morning work 

'

Planning episode watching o f bad batch

Sunday 19 December

3 things I am positive about today for Sunday:

1. (From Saturday) I had CHristmas dinner with the family and I successfully didn't overeat
2. I managed despite all the things that went on this week I managed to get out on my bike
3. I committed to and succeeded doing some minimum tasks today: I went to waitorse, got my dr pepper, I did my treadmill for an hour and I did my physio rehab. I even for good measure cycled down to a takaway that I like. I'm quite into smash burgers lately. Gosh they taste good

Things I am positive about in the future:

• After new year I'll get some stuff done in the pride group
• After new year some activism will pick up
• I'm hoping my progress at the gym will keep going
• I'm hoping by the end of the year I'll be 103kg or have held 104kg

18/12/22 ABC Please

 A: Accumulate positive experiences: I saw my family this week, I went to a Christmas do, those are positive pro social activities. I also didn't lose my shit. In the grand scheme of things that really is a low bar. I think the fact that it is 8:55 as I type this and I spent some time getting up slowly today and being carefully considered, is a sign that I'm working on improving things and myself and trying to have a mindset of positivity.#

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident, I have not only been losing weight compared to early in the year but I am working to stabilise the changes in my body. It does involve work but I've been putting it in. It's tough I won't like. It's my intention to continue putting the work in

C: Cope ahead: This my be my greatest weakness at the moment. I am working on my scheduling and my card/ticket system (aka lampe) but there's still a lot I really need to do better at in terms of planning. My mind is a literal blank when it comes to thinking about work for instance. My mind is a literal blank when thinking about the future

P: Physical illness prevention. I had a takeaway the other day and my bodyfat went right up even though my weight didn't go up. I could tell of a massive difference. I'm keeping fairly regular at the gym I think? One day I didn't go gym because of two workplace parties after work (I only managed to get to one) and the timing of getting home during a strike and the icy roads outside plus a change to the train's route meant I had to get off a couple miles away and walk some terribly difficult roads and it was 10:15 by the time I got back. I made up for it on the Friday I think .I even did so much activity on Saturday that it offset the amount I ate for family Christmas.#

L: Low vulnerability to diseases. I'm feeling v low at the moment I can't like. I need to sort that out.

E: Exercise regularly. Yeah I think this is covered

S: Sleep healthy: I'm up in the day and asleep mostly in the night. I think not working on the encyclopedia helps. I think not trying too hard to work on my google keep (there is a backlog right now) helps sleep. 

E: Eat healthy. I could have had more veggies yesterday. I need to check my weight in a moment but I think it's been fine. 

Tuesday 30 August

 tuna and sweetcorn sandwich. Cheese and Onion sandwich. Hosting fcross media group in the office today. i'm experienceing distress at work and a lot of pain in my wrists. pub - central station

Thursday 25 August

 preoccupied with encyclopedia. (on this day) Phone call from RNIB. struggling with motivation. Talking to Tiberius at work (barely recognised him). Sara at work told me there's a new bank of 4k  monitors that I could sit on. (Writing this in December). I have since made that my main desk at work. (1300-1400) Unite meeting. Disucssed harassment at Unite meeting

Wednesday 24 August

 struggling. distress (10). very hot today. Message from ...mAY about Ukranian journalist. feeling isolated. panic . preoccupied with safecall

Monday 22 August 2022

113.5/ weight gain. angry (not letting it spill over).  call RNIB (on this day)RNIB will get a caseworker between Wednesday and Friday in the afternoon to speak to me. 

Saturday 20 August

 I have 49k in assets today. ENcyclopedie catch up. watched dragon ball super super hero. Listening to Gibbon. attended careers event on infosec

Thursday 18 August

 exh sleeping all afternoon and evening. RMT strike today

half day sick. feeling very sick today.

Tuesday 16 August 2022

(work) emailing Lisbet about workplace adjustments

Eating: KFC chicken leg,  KFC breast.

talking to Phil about cigars

on this day (2022) better call saul finale

virgin mobile call

> 20th april onwards, my phone is £10 a month'

(Financial0 new phone arrangement 'not a contract'

phone includes 30gb data and unlimited phone and texts

14 August 2022

 upset about J. she told me she had to spend an overnight visit in the hospital.

extreme heatwave effect means i'm asleep all day

Weight loss: 113kg

ABC Please

 A: Accumulate positive experiences: I went to a work party on Thursday

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident. Inspide of the many things this week I have kept at the treadmill when I can, Friday I was too tired though

C: Cope ahead: This might be a weakness of mine, I'm not as good as planning. things happen faster than my ability to plan:

P: Physical illness prevention: I'm keeping warm, I'm slepeing well. I need more time for myself though

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: not sure how to answer this one

E: Exercise regularly: I feel I haven't been gymming much but maybe because Wednesday and Thursday were uniquely busy, so much so that Friday was my exhaustion day

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: dr pepper is my hard buzz

S: Sleep healthy: I'm sleeping a fair amount

E: Eat healthy: I ate a crap ton just now so maybe thats' my weakness, however I've hit 103kg and the first time I've hit 103 in a very long time.

 my hopes for the future:

• I get all my weekend tasks done
• I lose more weight
• I get outside
• I get more bottles of dr pepper

Um.. that's it. i'm jsut hinking the weekend

03/12/2022 abc please

 

A: Accumulate positive expxeriences. I was with friends and family recently

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless, although not much this week as I've had other things, I intend to go out on the bike and go shopping then out to the treadmill 

C: Cope ahead: I could do better with this honestly but I have got as earmarked tasks that I have to plan to accomodate the limited gym opening times during christmas and there are some parties and times in which I need to be in the office

P: Physical illness prevention. Less junk food and overeating? I am close to overeating today unless I go out very soon for some activity. 

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I should probably get out of bed earlier and faster, i get up too slowly

E: Exercise regularly: My goal was 5 gym days this week. I believe I only managed 3. If I did today that's 4, tomorrow that's 5. 

A: Avoid mood altering drugs, my drug of choice this week is dr pepper

S: Sleep healthy: I've slept a fair amount so I think I'm quite good at that

E: Eeat healthy _ could do with more veggies. I'm on the very border of losing the gains I have made consistently over the past few days. Everything depends on going out right now 

 It's 3:15am. 

Today is Friday 2 December 2022. I have to go to xx father's funeral today. Yesterday (Thursday) I visited the body laying in the funeral place. I saw his mother and we talked a bit. x wasn't there he had to take his daughter home as she was crying. I cycled up to the funeral place. 2.5 miles there and I went to waitrose on the way home. I got some beef shin for a slow roast. 

On Thursday dad went for a colonoscopy. They found 6 polyps. This worries the hell out of me. Dad keeps getting up to go toilet in the middle of the night. Dad's in his 70s. I just don't like thinking about Dad getting older and what that might mean. 

It's really heavy at the moment. The email data breach incident at work after xxleft was problematic. Challenging for me. Lots of people speaking to me and some fear around repercussions. 

All while this is happening I have loads of other unresolved issues. I think my mia  eating problems are coming back. I'm losing quite a bit of weight at the moment. I aim for 2000kcal deficit every day and I try for 1-2 hours on tthe treadmill as much as I can in the evening. I set goals for myself like steps, kcal, cycling or I integrate it into my normal working of the day. It feels like a lifestyle change. I also feel like as I lose the weight my personality and myvery personhood has changed. I feel things I haven't felt in a very long time. 

This might sound odd but I also feel beautiful. J makes me feel so beautiful and so does L and my friends are so positive about my bodyfat loss. I feel like I'm on a turning point. Or maybe that's the mia delusion. 

Oh and on wednesday I was at an awards do at xx street. really weird how my life has ended up. 

02/12/2022 abc please

 I've had a problem with google keep that is integral to how i organise myself, in addition to that i have been dealing with a lot, there's some problems at work . Lets to ABC Please

ABC Please

A: Accumulate positive experiences. I've been out a few days and I've been outdoors during the sun hours 

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless: i'm working on improving my semi-running so that I *don't* get an injury and that I can keep a good everyday pace 

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on this, I'm not the best if I'm honest

P: Physical illness prevention: does changing my gait help?

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: does losing weight help?

E: Exercise regularly: I did Thursday, Tuesday, Monday, Sunday and a touch on Saturday. I did friday before then as well. I missed Wednesday as I was at an event. I may miss Friday (today) becausee I have to go to a funeral

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: Haven't had mcdonalds in ages

S: sleep healthy: I think I'm doing okay with this

E: Eat healthy: eating more veg. I'm working on a caloric deficit. 

 Positive affirmations of today

3 things I am thankful for

1. My friends that I grew up with
2. Mum's back from surgery and recovering
3. Waitrose had some decent food in the butcher's deli. I'm marinading some beef ribs for tomorrow; I' cooked pork ribs today, they were amazing