The Lulls

I don't talk about work much here. I suppose given I work for an international organisation which I refer to in a fictional name for discreetness I don't tend to go into detail. But I might talk about it in the aspects that any other job might have.

Every week I have a catch up with my boss and a senior editor. We go over the operational requirements of the company and budgetary issues. It's quite boring but I know lots about the finances and rules and its very appealing to me. In recent weeks, my line manager talks to me after the meeting to ask how I'm doing. I mentioned to her honestly that I'm quite slow on the work right now. Lately I'm working really slowly. Its important to do things right, so I am keen to do it slowly and not do lots of things. Do a few things right.

My boss said that there are sometimes lulls, peaks and troughs. That's such an English expression isn't it. Sometimes I just need to get a little bit done and that's a day's work. Other times I have loads to do and that's what is needed. I've gotten back into insomnia mode lately. It's gotten to a point where I'm incapable of working until 2pm. On the plus side, I'm not beating myself up about sleeping a full amount. In addition I've been playing some games and it relaxes me a bit. 

Perhaps I might go into my achievements for Thursday, the day that just finished:

• Call from the psychiatric place. appointment next month
• Did a bit of work
• Got my inbox down to zero unread, even planned a bit of work for tomorrow
• Cycled to the gym, then to waitrose and a takeaway
• Gym
• 1300kcal 
• some nice takeaway at this new place which is my new favourite takeaway in the area. They really know how to do fried chicken (insert chef's kiss gesture - god I'm such a millenial)
• I read a bunch of newspapers, today's daily for the sentinel; the evening standard; waitrose weekend and evening standard weekend magazine. Also dipped a bit into New Statesman
• I watched a bit of TV
• I bought a few games off of steam. I want to get back into gaming as I said.
• Finished my logging.

I suppose I can just wrap up for today. I might relax with some Schitt's creek. I started watching some sitcoms only when I need to wind down. I started doing that with big bang theory in 2008 and forgot to finish it until I think earlier this year! I started Only sunny in philadelphia last year too and went all the way up to the latest episode. A colleague told me about Schitt's Creek and it's right up my...umm age bracket. 

Anyway, lets' see how tonight's insomnia fares.

Onwards

 Positive experiences: gym, routine, the whole package, working my spoons to the full

Build mastery in activities: bike maintenance, improving my organisation

Cope ahead: plan ahead. Do it in 15 minute sprints

Low vulnerability to disease: Eat more veggies, 

Exercise regularly: 6-7 days a week would do it

Avoid mood altering drugs: fast food!

Sleep healthily. 6-7 hours would be the ideal. I'm managing 5 hours lately

Eat Healthily. I like spinach, cucumber, green and red peppers, salmon, bagels and traditional lemonad, I think at least two of those arne't especially healthy

 Goals:

• Get bodyfat down
• Get weight down 
• Aim for 500kcal caloric deficit a day
• Learn coding
• Learn more mathematics
• Learn statistics
• Apply statistics to real life
• Be kind
• Be pro-social
• increase assets (get 5k more)
• Be supportive towards others
• Do things for the right reasons

----

• Work on your savings plan
• Property research
• Make things go well with family
• Eat smart
• Exercise plasticity of mind
• Build mental resilience
• Finish Gibbon book
• Finish Kant
• Finish Aquinas

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 Things I did today (Saturday 24 April)

Today I got up late. thinking about what I needed to do today. I read the paper (part of my job), after buying it from the corner shop. I did lots of reading catch up. I did some learning. I did some podcast catch up. I watched some TV. I went to a disability zoom event. I am watching a trans phone in. I cooked a roast for mum. I didn't go outside today.

Also I did some work on my encyclopaedia. I'll talk about that project another day. 

Anyway. I still have a few hours of wake today. 

 I have a lot of negative feelings at the moment.

Getting up late. I feel exhausted. At the same time I feel like I need to get loads done. At the same time I have some weird feeling like I have to get things done in a certain order. FOMO dictates I need to be outside in a pandemic, not around people, well maybe with my mates (they are busy). FOMO dictates I should be at the gym, maybe go on an epic bike ride and see a couple of parks, see the river thames or maybe just long pond in Clapham. FOMO says I should be working on my killer bod. FOMO says I should be cutting and working on my new WW diet with more veggies. Lets be honest I have been eating more veggies. But also eating more crap. That's not how dieting works.

I'm a ball of uneven self resentment. I dont think that's good for me. It's not good for my family. It's not good for the causes I say I work towards.

So here I am. writing therapeutically as I call it. Im at my desk. I often say that if I'm at my desk, just sitting upright, then potential happens. I do believe that. I just don't feel it.

I've got a to do list as long as my arm. Last night I have worked on some admin and clearing of tasks which really has taken some of the work I would have done out of the weekend, but I do have lots to do over the weekend. 

There's some yoghurt that's possibly 2 days out of date. There's that beef roast I wanted to cook. There's my diet. There's the gym I want to go to. There's my 50km a week cycling target. There's weight watchers and myfitnesspal, fitbit and the gym app. Habitica and google keep, APIs and APIs all fucking piled on in the name of productivity but where does it leave me? I'm still at what some people call base camp in life. 

A couple of years ago I went out with a woman who was really nice, I was getting into my contract job and it felt kind of glamorous. at the time I would wear bow ties to work and a wool blazer. I would wear brogues and it felt good. What do I wear now? I was still deciding on pajamas or 'smart trousers to help me think productively'. I went with the former.

I like having this blog. I'd moan if it ever disappeared. I think I've had it for nearly 15 years, 14 definitely. That's a long-ass time for anyone. As Jeremy Irons' Alfred said in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, even you have gotten too old to die young. 

My thoughts are disordered. My mind is disordered. My body feels a mess. I've just got to start somewhere. 

I'm working on pen and paper to work it all out. That helps a bit.

Onwards

 Dear Diary,

I think I'll perhaps skip ABC Please tonight.

What I will do today is tell you about one aspect of my day. I've been thinking about changing up my routine. I'm doing weight watchers as T suggested I join her and she's really been positively impacted by it. It's fair to say, and i should be honest about this, that I've gained some weight. in the grand scheme of things, I've only gained 2kg since the beginning of lockdown. My base weight goes up and down all the time but its on the higher end of that 2kg. 

On the Weight Watchers app (they call it WW), there are a list of foods that are considered positive and don't adversely contribute to a bad diet. I've bought some things in the approved list: bagel thins, spinach, cream cheese, smoked salmon, red peppers and spinach. I also got a bit of pasta and I don't know how I'll all cook it together. I might need to lay off of the dry aged beef and fatty beef bones for a while. 

Now that gyms have re-opened I'm working on a new normal for my routine. I like the later sun sets which are conducive to more activity. After gym I go to waitrose and cycle home. I don't cycle as much as I did when cycling was my sole activity, however I am keeping more active with the weights. I'm really into sled pushing.

Since coming home, having a shower, making dinner and tidying up, I've read the paper, watched some podcasts and doing some logging. I even read a few magazines tonight. I think maybe this is the ideal template of a day. 

Anyway I've got to go back to that template. 

Onwards

 3 things I'm positive about

• I have a lot of worries about avoidance and not solving big problems in my life. So when I found out my bike was giving me trouble on Friday night. I called the bike shop on Saturday noon, sort it out quickly (sprocket issue), I was cycling home from Battersea at 2pm 
• It took a lot of energy to cycle home from Battersea. I don't know that area too well and it makes me anxious to cycle in a place I don't know. It was only 1.5 miles or so to get through wandsworth and end up somewhere I did know about. Eventually I managed to get to familiar territory and get home, but it took a lot out of me in terms of new situations
• I had two big eggs to swallow today which I had seemingly put off. Firstly to bodyscape and trim myself so I'm more presentable at the gym. I've gotten a bit hairy in recent weeks. I shaved my arms, my back and a bit of my chest and also shaped up my beard. It felt heavy but I did it
• Another egg to swallow today is that the washing machine is broken at the moment so I had to handwash 2-3 days of clothes. I have some gloves to not have a hypoallergenic reaction to the fabric softener. I ended up getting the hand washing done.

I have a lot of admin to complete today. This doesn't feel so much as a weekend but a feeling tired on saturday and catching up on sunday. On the plus side I've got some podcasts on, some Bellator in the background. I need to get on with shit and hopefully be finished by 1am if I'm lucky.

 Anatomy of an evening.

1745: prep, set up

1801: leave on the bike (i'm late)

1815: signing into the gym

1910: Outside gym finished workout, I'm unlocking my bike

1928: locking up by waitrose 

1943: Outside waitorse having done my shop

2000: Playing pokemon go at a noteworthy stop where i put in my pokemon

2008: home

2017: Put bins away

2029: Deciding how to spend the rest of my evening

2038: Shower and hand washing clothes (no washing machine)

2045: Finished hand washing

2054: Finished dinner

 Today

Wake up late. I sleep in for an hour. I start my day slowly but surely. I work on a big task today, an essential (but late) administration task for April. Since I'm here I'll do the May jobs for this task too.

I had a meeting at work but my boss wasn't there, my other boss and I discussed various things. Things are not so optimistic and happy at work. There are pressures my colleagues are under and there's a limitation on how much I can help them. 

In other news today I received an email about a pay rise. I was expecting to hear that we'd get a pay rise of 5.5% but we got 4.25% plus a lump sum. In a sense it's like making that 5.5% but its not a salary increase, that lump sum is a 'sorry' for no pay rise last year. A friend of mine said if you are making more Ks than your age, you are doing alright. I am currently above my age in Ks but only just. 

After work, well there was a power cut first (long story), I went to the gym. I began to feel more like myself again regaining the stamina. It will take some work but I think I'll get back to fitness. After the gym I cycled to waitrose, I got a paper, I got some snacks and food, I cycled home. 

The washing machine is broken (long story) so I hand washed my clothes after I finished my shower. I am thinking about some defined goals for tonight to finish off today. I need to speed ahead I think. I think I might be able to sleep early. Gym has really lifted my spirit and gives me a bit of stability that helps me a lot.

Onwards. I'm almost beginning to feel hope. 

 Achilles schema:

• Get your bodyfat down
• Caloric reduction
• Learn coding
• Engage in plasticity behaviours
• Increase assets to 35k
• Be loving and supportive towards others

 ABC PLEASE: Reflecting on my goals and motivations on a day to day level

A: Accumulate positive experiences: GYM!

B: Build mastery in activitiesi that make you feel confident: cycling

C: Cope ahead: do life admin more (like this regular task)

P: Physical illness prevention: eat better

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: sleep better

E:Exercise Regularly: Integrate exercise as a part of your everyday

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: Junk food, jacking off and alcohol

S: Sleep healthy: Does waking up better count?

E: Eat healthy: I do like some healthy foods, I'll have fewer of the bad things too

 Food planner

Foods I like (bad)

Diet drinks

Bacon

Processed cheese

Beer

Pasta

Chocolate

Foods I like (good)

Broccoli

Salmon

Watermelon

 Dear Diary,

The gyms opened. That's nice. 

Prince Philip died. That was sad.

I had some panic episodes. That was beyond words.

I'm recovering, plus I have a new machine. That's...bearable.

It's almsot the middle of April and I'm still thinking its March 10 in my mind. Time moves so quickly. When the pandemic ends I won't be ready to go back. There's been some interesting work where I have to be travelling a bit more than i'd usually. 

I did go to the gym today. It was good. I need to get some time to get my body and fitness back, but I'll get there. I cycled after the gym, I had a routine since the pandemic, to cycle 5-7 miles a day and get some groceries. I have done this as a way of keeping sane. I want to keep this habit. I haven't felt this good in so long. Things have changed so I dont think I can go straight back to how it used to be.

I have some therapeutic writing tasks. I'll explain what they are. There's ABC Please, then there's aeneas schema, there's also one which is a reflection upon diet. T is losing some weight and she wants me to get involved in weight watchers with her. I might.

 dear diary,

I've had a panic attack this week. Well a few. I'm recovering. Basically my Alienware died. RIP Alienware. I've ordered a Zephyrus G14. It's got 1tb ssd; 16gb RAM; it's 14 inches, it's got keyboard lighting, apparently a touch screen. it's got no thunderbolt 3 or a webcam -- this might be a dealbreaker. It's also got an AMD processor Ryzen 7 5800hs. I don't know what that means.

My Alienware was a staple to my life. My Alienware was bought when I was just starting to work full time. I think it took me through the least interesting and most interesting time in my life, when the least happened to me and the most happened to me at the same time.

Anyway.

Time to get back to work

The ideal morning

 The ideal morning would be if I went to sleep within the next 90 minutes. I would wake up between 6am to 7am. I'd slowly get up. Throw some water on my face and get on the bike. All my lights and earbuds are charged up and ready to go. I'd go up to 2 parks, if I were up even earlier I'd visit 3 parks and commons. While I am meeting the time I go to waitrose to get the daily paper, maybe get some veggies or other things for the evening. 

I'd cycle home, if I had time (too ambitious?) I'd pass by a pond and look at the water and pause for a moment at the reflection of the sky. I'd cycle home, have a shower. I'd have some fruit and yoghurt for breakfast and then I'll start work. Maybe I'll have a water or cup of tea. Ideally I won't need a coffee as I have lots of energy

 Immediate goals vs long term goals

Immediate goal: 35k savings

Long term goal: 75k

Long term goal: better fitness

Immediate goal: cycling every day, achieve minimum 5 miles a day or 50km a week

Long term goal: Better health

Immediate term goal: Eat better, less junk, more 'five a day', establish best practices for behaviour and positive attitude and outlook

Ongoing goals: Better mental functioning

Immediate goals: avoid stimulants and reward mechanisms that pollute my behaviours, avoid being drawn into negative mental patterns

Ongoing goals: Personal relationships

Immediate goals: See family for a minimum, see pink once this year, see friends often, make more friends at work

Ongoing goals: Improve problem solving

Immediate goals: practice on problem solving; problem solve the immediate situations before you

Ongoing goals: Cultural pursuits

Immediate goals: make some dates in the future, maybe cinema dates, sporting events, next comicon, concerts, have things to look forward to.

 Goals for the week

1. Improve sleep
2. Keep cycling - doesn't have to be much, just frequently (once a day)
3. Keep on top of your planning and non priority schema tasks
4. Eat more veggies
5. Avoid junk food
6. Avoid avoidance
7. Work on the things that give you purpose

dear diary,

I think its abundantly clear that I'm struggling to function as a normal adult. I don't know how to express it. A lot of things seem very difficult and uninteresting to me. I am working through it right now. I'm so tired. If I weren't so tired I wonder what I'd do. 

Anyway.

One thing I've just done. I've been thinking about this transitional weather. I've also been thinking about cool and practical clothes. Right now, practical is very important to me now that I'm a bike guy. I need something that looks the part (not mamil) and also suits the physical activities and transitions I go through. By transitions I mean: mounting a bike, going to the shops, going for a walk, mounting the bike again, hitting the high speeds on my brompton (not as high as a road bike) and then maybe socialising or going to the gym.

I've been reading that the 'shirt jacket' (don't say shacket) is really cool, Loads of my colleagues have shirt jackets so it must be cool. Those bloody hipsters. Combined that, I also got a Barbour Shacket (I've been interested in barbour for ages). Also to show that the stars are aligned, I used my £50 voucher that I got from my employers, who gave that to all staff in place of a Christmas party. Well, £50 knocked off is welcome. It's still not cheap. But it's barbour. I think that jacket will cheer me up. 

I'm at a struggle today to keep motivated and get things done. 

Working at it slowly. I'm please at the shirt jacket. 

Today is Easter Sunday

Dear Diary,

'Hey google, set a timer for 7 minutes'

I need to earmark some time to just write and express myself. I've been avoiding a lot of feelings, a lot of pain, a lot of personal things I'm not attending to and its affecting my work, its affecting my health, it's maybe affecting my relationships.

I have all the inventories that remind me to live a better life. Here's one: ABC PLEASE

A: Accumulate positive experiences: Mum and dad's easter lunch. That will be nice. Maybe could put a nice film on

B: Build mastery in activities: Maybe I'll go on the bike later

C: Cope ahead: I need to do some prep for the week and logging for last week

P: Physical illness prevention: lets prevent repetition, avoid overeating

L: Low vulnerability to disease - think about a gym plan and being gym fit, this isn't jsut about cycling. Maybe I need to think about physio days

E: Exercise regularly: Pass

A: Avoid mood altering drugs. my drug of choice these days are cheese puffs and belgian buns. I need to reduce it (I can't bear to say i need to quit)

S: Sleep heathy. I have trouble sleeping lately, but I decide lately to sleep in if I need to. I am getting a full night of sleep, just not in the hours of the day that are socially best

E: Eat healthy - done

I'm going to name 5 things right now that can improve my day and immediately improve my life.

1. Clear up the pile of papers and magazines to my left
2. Read all the magazines I have on pdf
3. Clear up my 'non priority schema' tasks
4. Plan next week and future events
5. Do my logging

I can't think too hard about the future and the big picture of things. Lately I'm thinking about bringing Catholicism back into my life. I think the best thing is just the next foot forward. That's struggle enough.

Hey, my 7 minute timer didn't go off.

Onwards.

 dear diary.

something is wrong with my mind this week. My concentration, my focus, my will power is at an all time low. I don't feel like crying or I don't feel sad. I guess I could be depressed but I am functional in a certain kind of way. 

But I'm not functional in others. 

People think of the goals in life in gestalt terms. The big achievements. I haven't achieved my big achievement and I feel it won't ever happen. Having said that, some of the things I didn't think were possible would come to pass. I have a pension, I'm in full time work. I'm possibly due for a pay rise of 5.5% I'll be up 2k hopefully. 

Every week I republish on my google keep a list of goals. 'Aeneas Schema' is the list of those big gestalt goals. 

Those goals consist of specific achievements: 29% bodyfat, weight down to 105kg, learn more coding. I have specific wellbeing goals, try to do new things, create a better life for yourself, pro social behaviours. Be clean, no drugs and no drunkeness.

One of my financial goals I have achieved now. I've got 30k in savings. I might amend that goal to 35k by the end of the year. Maybe I'll get to 40 by December. 

Another thing on my schema is 'do things for the right reasons'. I dont really know why I do the things I do. I think I've lost a lot of my motivation because I've lost my sense of purpose. There's a lot of stuff eating at me.

I've got a big list of things to do. I'll just get on with them now. Maybe by midnight I'll be so tired I need to sleep.