Sunday, August 17, 2014

Dear Diary,

I spent today being 'boring' and it filled my whole day. i tidied up the house, i cooked lunch, watched some tv, washed the clothes, hanged it out. Practiced some clarinet and piano, caught up on some blogs and finished reading my stack of newspapers which went back to about May 2014 (although I swiped them from work from up to 2 weeks ago).

I'm feeling a bit fat lately. I've lost control of my eating. I've lost control in general of a few things. Wanking too much for one, spending too much money. Not in control of a lot of my life situations.

I haven't really talked much on here much. Writing on this blog is kind of like talking to an old friend, but I have to keep apologising to you because we haven't kept up and we used to be so close.

I'm in a relationship, with Hannah. It's a polyamorous non-monogamous/casual friends with benefits something or other. It's not a 'conventional relationship', I've had a one night stand when I was with her and she was encouraging and she has lots of sex with other men and I am still trying to determine how I feel about that.

Hannah said she loves me this weekend. She knows I love her. I have these thoughts sometimes like 'I would love to go to Paris or Edinburgh for a weekend with her' and then I think to myself - who the fuck am i? I used to be the guy who fell asleep listening to suicide metal and with an ice cold breeze to come into the room and all I'd wear would be a black Gap fitted T and brown cords with my steel toe chelsea boots.

i 'decided' at the age of 20-21 that would be my 'permanent' look. I hardly wear that anymore these days. My ordinary look is my uniqlo geometric pattern cord shirt plus either my M&S smart but machine washable and durable grey dot trousers  and my loake brogues which I need the soles repaird on the left shoe.

I went out last night with my friends. I invited two of my old friends who don't normally hang out with us, one of them is an actor (and in my list of 10 of my bestest ever friends) and the other is a guy who works in finance who is having a rough time lately because he had a fiance and now he doesn't, story is a bit long and I don't know the whole of it, he's pretty broken up about it so I won't ask too much right now.

This morning I woke up late as fuck as usual, then I had a long wank. I then got emailed by the woman (I almost want to say girl to reflect how young and culturally youthful she is but do not wish to seem sexist or such) about covering for her this coming saturday. I love working at the sunday sentinel and she seems to love asking me to cover for her! It's odd that for someone who only works 2 days a week she asks me to do a bloody lot of cover for her job.

Tomorrow (which starts in 20 mins) I am doing a 'week' at the legal department of the Sentinel. I am then doing saturday at the Sunday Sentinel. I'm basically doing a 6 day week. I'm definitely not complaining except for a lack of sleep. I really love how at the moment I have a few more days than I expected. In this week (monday-sunday) I have been offered 4 'extra' days of work between now and next month. I'm slightly worried that I won't have any work in november or december, or january or february. The nature of my work is that I'm not guaranteed work, it's available on the basis of extra cover.

This week I will have to get as much done as I can outside of work. There's PhD applications to be done for example and I've not done a proper job application in months. I've not had any interviews since probably April and that's more a testimony to the fact that I've not done any proper applications.

On the one hand I really need to do a fuckload more, but on the other, I'm really surprised at myself at what I am capable of doing.

It's 10 years since doing my 'A' levels. But this weekend is an anniversary for something more recent, in 2010 I saw the expendables with my mates and we had an epic night out where my friend A met his girlfriend E; and they are still together after that one night stand they had. 2 years later when we saw expendables 2 we had this epic bizarre night out which I probably documented in a previous blog post where I ended up alone with these gay guys and I met a really cute woman who wasn't actually interested in me but my 2 friends.

I've written enough right now. I feel like in writing this blog I have emotionally opened up to you. I feel like reflecting a little bit, holding a metaphorical scotch in my hand. However I am also thinking about tomorrow, waking up on time and working 6 days in the week plus after I finish work on saturday I am immediately going to my cousin's house near Hendon for a birthday party. I really hope they got some good scotch there to take off the edge, and I won't accept Bells or Fosters beer...fuck me my cousins can be alcoholic philistines.

You know, diary, it was this time last year that I was at my cousin's birthday party and I was talking to another younger cousin who was just about to start the third year of his course and we were shooting the shit outside and I said something to him like: I just did my 2nd assignment at the sentinel and I'm going to start my 3rd next week. I'm working at the Sentinel Sport editorial department.

For me, that moment was when things really began to change for me. It's a year anniversary for that conversation, looking into the stars with my cousin as we were chatting in the garden and into a horizon of things yet to happen. I had no idea.


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