Dear Diary,

i've been finding everything a bit difficult to do today. I found doing the whole passport thing really tedious and grating. Being in a queue in the post office was grating, being in the photo shop with the woman who's kid is getting an oyster card was grating.

The woman was like 'look at the camera' and saying 'don't show your lazy eye' in the camera. I could see that she was teaching that young guy how to be neurotic and self conscious in his later life. Things like that grate at my sense of decency and dignity.

I am also constantly on the move today.

I think that's a good thing. I do have lots of shit I should be doing. On the other hand, getting my shoes repaired and getting a new oyster card are some of these things.

Dear Diary,

Things I've done Today:

• Walking (estimated 5 miles by the end of the day)
• Feeling low (but persevering)
• Bought shampoo/conditioner
• Got brogues re-heeled 
• Sent off Passport application/renewal - which included, doing the form online, printing it, getting pictures printed and sending it off to the post office on Overpriced Delivery
• Received my airsoft sling
• Lunch at a gentrification chippy

I'm going to go spinning class in a moment.

Earlier today I had a bit of a moment of upset because I noticed how overweight I've become recently. I need to watch my calories a bit closer. I am going to do some spinning at the gym.

I better get my kit together. i might have some sauna time after too.

dear diary,

I've put on a bit too much weight. The trousers I bought that I really love don't fit. THat upsets me a bit.

I need my waist to go down a bit, and my belly. I need to stop comfort eating.

I feel like I'm not in control over a lot of things...work...money...relationships. Choosing to go to the off license feels like control but is really me losing it.

I'm off to do something really boring...off to get my shoes mended and then get my passport photos.

THings that I need to do, boring things.

Boring things are the hardest for me.

I might skip gym today if I have extra admin that I need to do.

Dear Diary,

On my 'desk' day I went to the GP. The GP suggested that the reason I'm suffocating might be ashtma so she gave me an inhaler to try out. Also I got my shampoo and cream from the GP. I then went to PC world and M&S. At M&S I got some work trousers and I was thinking about how to 'update' my wardrobe to Autumn. I saw a beautiful but overpriced blazer. It was like Luther from the show Luther. Stylish but edgy, English yet urban, like the Londoner protagonist of Luther.

At PC world I walked around a bit to see stuff I wish I could afford. I then bought a keyboard. I then went to Burger King to eat some guilt food.

As I got home it was raining like fucking hell and I forgot my prescription exemption forms so I went back out to the Pharmacy. While I was out all of this morning and early afternoon I was getting some emails on my phone. One of them was a 'thank you' from the woman I covered at the legal department last week. Another one was to say I have got a free ticket to see 'Great Britain' after winning a giveaway at work.

I then have put a task in my calendar to schedule a GP appointment in 3 weeks about the Asthma thing - I need to confirm if I have ashtma.

So, that's my autumn 'big shop' done. I wonder if its worth putting a felt cover over my keyboard so it won't get dirty. On the other hand it probably will inevitably just get dirty.

I've had a full on day today. and just trying to get over what else is going on. I am off to badminton in just a moment. I will try to get on my ordinary schedule tomorrow, and not spend too much money.

I am kinda glad that I bought this keyboard. The one that I used until about 3 hours ago I got with my diability student allowance all those days ago. On reeflection it isn't really a bad keyboard. I do need to clean it and it might be back to how it once was.

I also got an extra events shift - so an extra bit of money to come in. Always welcome.

Now I've got stuff to do.

talk soon, i hope

Dear Diary,

The 6 day week has passed. I feel like there's a calming influence going through me increasingly. I feel like if I itemise the various tasks I need to do in life it gets easier, easier than seeing it as a nebulous blob.

Sunday and Monday has merged into one.

On sunday I read a whole lot of newspapers, then did some wanking.
On Monday I did a bit of wanking, and then ...*trying to remember* I did some archiving and non-priority tasks.

I had a bit of a revelation from chatting with someone online.

I told her about a couple of experiences that I had with women in the past couple of years. It turns out that some of the things women have done to me count as rape...and I don't know what to think of that.

I was nonconsentually assaulted on the recent one night stand because there was a moment when I was sleeping that she would start touching me. Another occaision when I was seeing Adora that she wouldn't let me leave the room (it was locked) and I kept asking her and instead she undressed me and started doing sexual stuff to me and I really just wanted to leave. I complied with her and I was so tired afterwards but she did begrudingly let me out.

One person suggested I go to a rape crisis place.

I don't know what to think or feel about this.

I partly just want to think about how I want to move forward with my life.

I hate how summer is ending and its already getting cold and miserable.

I am starting to worry about the dark times and the dark months.

This week (at least to my understanding) I will be off from work so I must focus on tasks.

I also must avoid overspending, like buying so much airsoft gear,.

Dear Diary,

My task list on google calendar usually has a lot of upcoming things like 'pay off my debt' etc.

It's really weird how in the past few days, most of these items have cleared. I have 3 upcoming paydays and they don't pay as much after October.

Little bit worried.

Dear diary,

I've set up my Matrices of money coming in.

So, I worked a bit in July, and a fair bit in August. That leads to money coming in for August and September.

My work has come in for September, and even though I have a few days (maybe like 2 days a week through the month), it does, as it stand, look quite dry in terms of work.

Next week I will be 'off' completely from any paid work, unless something comes in all of a sudden.

After I got home from work today I went to the gym, then I got some fish and chips and munched it as I got home. I watched a bit of netflix and wrote a few essays just now.

I'm ready to go to bed but I am worrying about the autumn months.

Is it so odd that I'm thinking this far ahead? The past me would have considered this unthinkable. I had to do a lot of changing over the past year to adapt to work and life. But I'm not even working full time ( even though I do more than full time hours sometimes, like 15 hour shifts, weekend and evening work, and in the case of this week..a 6 day week. .. it's not consistent or stable) I wonder how I'd cope with full time properly? Maybe I could spend the rest of my life doing odd jobs if it paid enough.

I haven't heard back from that guy who emailed me about tutoring at the private college. I sincerely hope I could get a gig like that.

At work earlier today I got emailed about a short 1 day assignment. Normally I'd jump at the chance to take it up...but I'm already on another assignment this week. Can't be greedy!

In other other news, I got my event shifts for september, there are a few extra shifts floating around but I'm not fully sure I really want them because they are big events and I actually have to do hard work in it.

I've mentioned in a recent post how things have gone full circle. Last september I started working at sentinel sport, which was when things started to pick up.

I really need to up things a gear right now. I know that life in general has upped a gear and I've struggled to adapt but things like my weight have been bothering me. I had a trigger at work earlier. A woman, who I used to work with, her presence upsets me. I think it's the fact that last year I was working with her and now a year on I see her there, and she's taken the job of someone at the department I used to work at, and another person who interviewed me earlier in the year for her job, has been promoted.

I'm jealous.
It's an ugly thing to admit.
I'm jealous that they get promoted while I'm working precarious odd jobs at the organisation.

I want to have their jobs, their 9-5's, their monday to fridays (or in the case of the sunday sentinel, tuesday to saturdays). I wish I could impress people at work so that I could work there full time and get promotions and be upward. Or at the least, be offered work that fits who I am.

On the other other hand, I can't bite the hand that feeds me. I'm damned fortunate (false class consciousness if you will) that I am working where I am.

I don't like these ugly emotions that I have. But they are a part of my naked soul. Summer has been good...had been good. But I can see how the seasons are changing. Football has started again, that's the quintessential sign that the British autumn approaches.

I better go to sleep. Only had 5 hours last night.

Onwards.

p.s. haven't even had a wank today.

I had a bit of a reverie earlier. A memory of my past.

I won't bother you with what the memory was, all I will say is, I have had my emotional moment to express it in the form of an email to a friend. I've opened the page from that book, and now I've closed it to write in my current volume.

So today at work was interesting. I got an email from a principal of a 'free school' who wants me to lecture/tutor in Philosophy and History.

I don't know how they found my name, but I'm glad they did.

So, lets see how it goes, I might be teaching Philosophy in one of those conservative-lib dem free schools which are often run by local communities and business leaders. But as the saying goes, don't count one's chickens...

Dear Diary,

I spent today being 'boring' and it filled my whole day. i tidied up the house, i cooked lunch, watched some tv, washed the clothes, hanged it out. Practiced some clarinet and piano, caught up on some blogs and finished reading my stack of newspapers which went back to about May 2014 (although I swiped them from work from up to 2 weeks ago).

I'm feeling a bit fat lately. I've lost control of my eating. I've lost control in general of a few things. Wanking too much for one, spending too much money. Not in control of a lot of my life situations.

I haven't really talked much on here much. Writing on this blog is kind of like talking to an old friend, but I have to keep apologising to you because we haven't kept up and we used to be so close.

I'm in a relationship, with Hannah. It's a polyamorous non-monogamous/casual friends with benefits something or other. It's not a 'conventional relationship', I've had a one night stand when I was with her and she was encouraging and she has lots of sex with other men and I am still trying to determine how I feel about that.

Hannah said she loves me this weekend. She knows I love her. I have these thoughts sometimes like 'I would love to go to Paris or Edinburgh for a weekend with her' and then I think to myself - who the fuck am i? I used to be the guy who fell asleep listening to suicide metal and with an ice cold breeze to come into the room and all I'd wear would be a black Gap fitted T and brown cords with my steel toe chelsea boots.

i 'decided' at the age of 20-21 that would be my 'permanent' look. I hardly wear that anymore these days. My ordinary look is my uniqlo geometric pattern cord shirt plus either my M&S smart but machine washable and durable grey dot trousers  and my loake brogues which I need the soles repaird on the left shoe.

I went out last night with my friends. I invited two of my old friends who don't normally hang out with us, one of them is an actor (and in my list of 10 of my bestest ever friends) and the other is a guy who works in finance who is having a rough time lately because he had a fiance and now he doesn't, story is a bit long and I don't know the whole of it, he's pretty broken up about it so I won't ask too much right now.

This morning I woke up late as fuck as usual, then I had a long wank. I then got emailed by the woman (I almost want to say girl to reflect how young and culturally youthful she is but do not wish to seem sexist or such) about covering for her this coming saturday. I love working at the sunday sentinel and she seems to love asking me to cover for her! It's odd that for someone who only works 2 days a week she asks me to do a bloody lot of cover for her job.

Tomorrow (which starts in 20 mins) I am doing a 'week' at the legal department of the Sentinel. I am then doing saturday at the Sunday Sentinel. I'm basically doing a 6 day week. I'm definitely not complaining except for a lack of sleep. I really love how at the moment I have a few more days than I expected. In this week (monday-sunday) I have been offered 4 'extra' days of work between now and next month. I'm slightly worried that I won't have any work in november or december, or january or february. The nature of my work is that I'm not guaranteed work, it's available on the basis of extra cover.

This week I will have to get as much done as I can outside of work. There's PhD applications to be done for example and I've not done a proper job application in months. I've not had any interviews since probably April and that's more a testimony to the fact that I've not done any proper applications.

On the one hand I really need to do a fuckload more, but on the other, I'm really surprised at myself at what I am capable of doing.

It's 10 years since doing my 'A' levels. But this weekend is an anniversary for something more recent, in 2010 I saw the expendables with my mates and we had an epic night out where my friend A met his girlfriend E; and they are still together after that one night stand they had. 2 years later when we saw expendables 2 we had this epic bizarre night out which I probably documented in a previous blog post where I ended up alone with these gay guys and I met a really cute woman who wasn't actually interested in me but my 2 friends.

I've written enough right now. I feel like in writing this blog I have emotionally opened up to you. I feel like reflecting a little bit, holding a metaphorical scotch in my hand. However I am also thinking about tomorrow, waking up on time and working 6 days in the week plus after I finish work on saturday I am immediately going to my cousin's house near Hendon for a birthday party. I really hope they got some good scotch there to take off the edge, and I won't accept Bells or Fosters beer...fuck me my cousins can be alcoholic philistines.

You know, diary, it was this time last year that I was at my cousin's birthday party and I was talking to another younger cousin who was just about to start the third year of his course and we were shooting the shit outside and I said something to him like: I just did my 2nd assignment at the sentinel and I'm going to start my 3rd next week. I'm working at the Sentinel Sport editorial department.

For me, that moment was when things really began to change for me. It's a year anniversary for that conversation, looking into the stars with my cousin as we were chatting in the garden and into a horizon of things yet to happen. I had no idea.

Onwards.

I feel better.

It is true that I still have my demons.

BUt I also have other things going on.

For a breif moment yesterday I remembered how it felt to be at the bottom.

But mostly, I feel it has lifted.

Robin Williams had Died.

It raises a lot of public discussion about depression.

I suspect that a previous version of me would have waxed lyrically about depression and what it has meant for me and people I know.

I don’t feel like identifying with that narrative.

Instead, I just want to get on with my day. I have so much to do.

In a way, I think that is the truest expression of my recovery.

What I really want now is to work full time and earn more money.

Dear Diary,

I'm thinking whether its useful to go to the gym later today, I'm also failing to multi-task right now.

There's a PhD application I might do today. Which I need to take seriously

Dear Diary,

I'm not feelign very well...too much to do and not enough done

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I feel like fatigue is a choice. I decided not to go to the gym today and I decided to lay in bed for a bit longer.

I hadn't achieved much today, God help me as I have a list of things to do. I slowly went through a few of the the tasks, but there's a fuckton more to go.

So at the end of Thursday I was contacted by the PA I was covering and she asked me if I could cover 2 extra days in September, earlier today (monday) I heard back to say she has confirmed that I'm covering her. In addition I was asked to cover her later this week.

This week was supposed to be a 'week off' work. I was kind of looking forward to having a week off things, a bit less pressure to rekindle my energies.

I think that at this point in my life, I don't really have much of a choice about taking time out or having a break. If I want to do a PhD and if I want to work full time I really have to get on with things.

Besides this I haven't had much to think about. I've been wanking a lot lately. Probably more than a man should. I came like 7 times today, a lot of wanking.

Feeling very lazy today. I did a matrix of how much extra money I will be getting in. Between last week and today I was offered an additional 4.5 days of work between now and mid september. I'm quite pleased at that.

I'm also hoping that money will help me pay things off like my overdraft and things that are badly overdue to get, like a new laptop.

I also need to find somewhere to sort out my shoes. God, I am already making a list in my head - got to add it to my already bulging list.

Tuesday is another day.

Also, I think I'll grow a beard.

Dear Diary,

I've had a lot of 'on this day' markers on my calendar this week. Last year I went on an awesome weekend in Hampshire, 4 years ago I got my UR8 tooth taken out, this year I got a blog post published on an activist blog and I did a bit of socialising. I am living life. I also spent a lot of today watching Highlander on Netflix.

My RSI is a bit fucky right now.

bad time to start doing work.

dear diary,

 I don't make a point about blogging at work. There are professional bloggers here at the Sentinel!

I just wanted to say, while I had lunch just now I got an email on my phone, and through replying to a message I got another half day of work (4 hours) tomorrow at another department. Today is my last day at the sunday sentinel, I was thinking how nice it would be to have 10 days off unil the next assignment.

Well, it's 9 days now.

It's only a half day too, which is nice.

Off to work now, actually I'm not off o work, I'm gonna do more messing about in my lunch break, maybe play family guy on my tablet. I'm a real worker bee me.

Last night I did 2 things after work. I went to a bar in Blackfriars to meet up with my Shambly colleagues for a drink and I didn't go to the monthly discussion group. I say that is a second thing because choosing not to go was a hard decision for me. Sometimes when things are routine, it takes some boldness to say no.

I got a 1 day assignment in september. After the 5 week stint at the sunday sentinel and in 2 weeks doing 5 days at editorial legal, I'm doing a day in multimedia.

Today (well, tuesday), I did the following things:

• Got a blog posted about my PhD situation on an academia self-advocacy blog
• badminton
• work
• received extra assignment
• sent 4 applications
• Did the montly review

I'm kinda tired, I dont have space for anything else right now. I might just go to bed now.

I feel like...there's more to do, more I should do, lots of unfinished and unresolved business. I kind of feel this feeling is elemental in me, a sense of unrest.

Dear Diary,

It's 1:34 am

I went to see my cousin in hemel hempstead (or somewhere like that) earlier on sunday. I felt worn out afterwards. I did some archiving as I got home.

Now I realise how much I have to do. I made a collosal effort putting in some metadata just now, but I still have a lot of things to do. I am off to bed now but before I got I want to experss that I have some anxiety. I have a level of anxiety where it is possible I might sleep easily, but I do feel at unease.

I'm off tomorrow but I have 3 days on from tuesday. It's my last 3 days working at the sunday sentintel. I've been working at a major sunday newspaper for over a month and ...I haven't even had time to boast about it or process it. I've just been working, going home and eating.

On saturday I had my first saturday not working or at a wedding or doing something in over 5-6 weeks. It awas good. I did a double session in the morning at the gym. I really pushed myself.

I could reflect, I could muse, I probably should process things emotionally.

But I have things to do, I have an agenda,

I have to get on with it.

I am much more productive when I'm in a rush.

p.s. even though I usually post on here when things are shit, I should say on the whole...despite my money problems right now, and job anxieties, things are as positive as they ever have been for me...I never thought I'd say that and I never knew how it would feel saying that.

how does it feel? it feels like I'm in a rush and actually doesn't feel 'happily ever after' but more 'I gotta get up early to do shit.'

Good night.