Dear diary.

The past few days have been very difficult and I realise that each difficult day for me needs a 2-3 day buffer which I did not have and will not have. 

Today iw Thursday 30th June. I'm going to a pride network party in the evening, at midday I'm going to a committee meeting

Wednesday was 29th June. 'Not safe to be me' conference. I met some activist friends. I have activist friends now

Tuesday was 28th June. D&I industry meeting plus social after. I went to Jollibee in leicester square and it was stressful as I waited 90 minutes for an order they didn't have on their system. That online booking kiosk thing is fucking useless. 

Monday was 27th June I got my phone and I had to have some security things to do with it. It was v stressful and its fair to say I've put off getting a new phone for a year because of cost and other issues.

Sunday was a day I spontaneously decided to visit a friend in Cambridgeshire. 26th June. First time I've been out of London since maybe Bristol. The day in Watford didn't count. 

Saturday 25th June: I was so exhausted I spent all day resting. Then I decided spontaneously to go and see Top Gun. 

Friday 24th June: Awards event. Also stressful at work. V exhausting and I had some conversations I wasn't prepared for

Thurday 23 June. Difficult conversations at work

Wednesday 22 June - can't remember that far, but probs a lot of pre-planning for Thursday

Monday 20 June - something important I had to do for finances that I've been putting off and it is stressing me out Tuesday 21 meant I had a completely down day of recovery 

Let's say with each of those days I need 3 days recovery. That meant

Monday 20 June was highly stressful and so needed 3 days recovery

Tuesday 21 June was Day 1 of recovery

Wednesday 22 June was day 2 of recovery

Thursday 23 June was day 3 of recovery (Monday) and a new thing to get exhausted about

Friday 24 June was day 1 of the difficult Thursday recovery, plus a whole new set of issues and events that socially drained me

Saturday 25 June was day 2 of the Thursday incident, Day 1 after the awards. I was focussing on recovery and stuck in bed and then went to the cinema spontaneously, that was a bit healing but still made me tired

Sunday 26 June. Day 3 of the thursday incident; Day 2 of the awards; Day 1 after the spontaneous socialising. PLUS a new socialising event. It was nice and relaxing but It meant I was behind on administrative things

Monday 27 June. Day 3 after awards. Day 2 after top gun, day 1 after cambridgeshire date. Also phone ordeal

Tuesday 28 June. Day 3 after top gun, Day 2 after cambridgshire day, day 1 after phone installation. Also a lot of socialising so a new event to recover from

Wednesday 29 June (getting close to present day: Day 3 after cambridgeshire day. Day 2 after phone. Day 1 after Tuesday socialising. Also: Went to a protest and felt very upset 

Thursday 30: A social event today plus a stressful meeting. Day 1 after Wednesday protest. Day 3 after Phone, Day 2 after Tuesday socialising and meeting.

Friday 1 July: Invited to another networking event. Day 1 after Thursday party Day 2 after Wednesday Protest. Day 3 after Tuesday socialising

Saturday 2 July: Pride all day event. Exhausting still and I still need to recover from: Day 1 after Friday even, Day 2 after Thursday party. Day 3 after Wednesday protest.

Sunday 3 July: The day I need to catch up on things. Day 1 after pride, Day 2 after Friday event, Day 3 after Thursday party. Probably still recovering from previous events too.

When I model it in this way, I need to consider creating a new heuristic to accomodate recovery from social and high stress events. 

Also when I think about the events in this way. It rationalises how overwhelming things are for me. I need desperately to rationalise what's going on with me or I'll spiral in a bad way. 

Admission. I'm listening to an album on Spotify. A band that got some BBC radio airplay between 2009-2011. I followed them for years before their album release and mainstream publicity.

And the singer/guitarist was...my brother. 

He was very cool and a different person back then. There's something about this music, that it is stuck in a moment of time. I feel like I need to go back to some past state of myself, because the present isn't doing so well right now. The present me struggles. 

 

This week

hanging around granary sq

hanging around google square

Monday 13 June

 cycling through common

determining whether dad has a fitbit charge 2 or 3

found dad's watch had a broken strap

bought a new strap for dad (£)

take supplements

struggling to contentrate

morning conference (work)

Saturday 18 June

 manscaping: (13)

Planning week ahead

charge vacuum

vacuum up bathroom after

sleeping in

vacuum up bathroom after

service bike (4)

rain stopped me from doing the gearset, chain and tyre pressure

smoke cigar

grenall's pink wild berry gin and tonic

 Positives for today:

• Attempted to do catch up
• Slept a lot
• Not worried about bills right now

Things I'm looking forward to:

• BBC Proms
• British summer
• Christmas
• Parties
• Cycling more
• Days off
• Cinema
• Obi Wan Finale
• More star wars
• More marvel stuff
• My birthday
• Awards day
• Being prepared for things

i will deal with time off when I have fewer things to worry about. 

-- seems like a portent more than a commitment

 ABC PLEASE

A - Accumulate positive experiences - I went to a work party this week, I guess that counts

B - Build mastery in activities - I don't feel like mastery is the right word. I went to a gym class on Tuesday, went to Waitrose a few times on my bike

C - Cope ahead. I'm working on this deliberately at the moment. I'm having a challenging few weeks but I also realise that I have a lot of things going on at once in spite of having a hardtime. In other words, I'm working quite hard to plan ahead and cope that I WILL be having some down moments soon

L - Low vulnerability to disease. I ate lots of junk food so I'm not doing so great at this. However I did eat lots of corn yesterday. I did also Have a yoghurt right now

E - Exercise regularly. Other than the class and cycling, I think I got some stuff done. Didn't go to class on Friday though

A -Avoid mood altering drugs. All things considered I don't think I had takeaway this week 

S - Sleep healthy, I had some off days, the most important is that i wake up early tomorrow 

E - eat healthy - not really 

Recent recovery targets met - 20 targets met

 18/06/2022

pass through roundabout in the commmon

meet chris at work

meet josh

buy meat from the deli counter at waitrose deli

hercules hold

cable pulldown

push up

Wrist curl

Pronator and supinator

Farmers walk

Shrugs

Finish April - Kcal

Finish April - Steps#

Finish May - KCal

Finish May - Steps

W15 Reivew

W16 Review

W17 Review

W18 Review

W19 Review

Sunday 12 June

 wake up late/sleeping in

dad made bbq

Saturday 11 June

 wake up early to have painful BM

(dad vacuumed some of the room)

Decided to go to step class spontaneously

     tv catch up MMA

problem with waitrose app (yesterday)

feeling good (getting used to waitrose)

cycling to waitrose

feeling good (common)

pokemon go

hit 50km pokemon go target

Friday 10 June

 yesterday A asked me to meet 

Monday: received awards ceremony invitation

trying to plan evening with Antonia

(1030-1050) Prep

Fish and chips at work canteen for first time since restaurant at work re-opened after covid

Thursday 9 June

 cycle to work half way

train to work halfway

Cycling halfway to work from Vauxhall station, then cycled home, first time I've done so man ymiles since the injury. 15 miles in  a day.

locked up my bike in the storage downstairs

epic song haunted house Jani limatainen 

exh after work and cycling 

angry email to workplace

1737 paracetamol

Wednesday 8 June

 1257 paracetamol

IT issue at work frustration

received email about flipper zero: expect to get it in post

Tuesday 7 June

 I told dad about issue about table top

(1000-1200) Project management session 1

upset about work situation

took a shower (missed one yesterday)'

#

took supplements

Lunch:  chicken dinner waitrose microwave. im reminded of the TV dinners from my uni days. It tasted so good not like the ones when I went to uni at the university shop. It felt good, it was sorta low calorie but that's not such a bad thing. it had the mix of veggies, potatoes, meat, gravy and stuffing balls. Really good tv dinner. I was then watching videos about the history of tv dinners#

#

chest pain (afternoon)

long lunch break

cycling home/via tooting common

cycling to waitorse

sat outside the house and drank se soda as I used to before my arm. signifying normality. 

playing a bit of Pokémon go

(observation) mum and dad are going to iceland for 10% discount

decision matrix (for evening)

shampoo and conditioner in the morning

Monday 6 June

 5 miles riding

cycle through the common 

cycle home from waitorse 

preoccupation with Mpride week thing (work)

cycle to Waitrose 

feeling a little bloated after all day breakfast

low energy

finish daily habitica logging

finish backlog of weekly reviews (w14-w21)

Postiive achievements

Sunday 5 June

 mild pain in wrists (right and left, more right hand side)

struggling for motivation.

Saturday 4 June

 clear may daily tabs

Sunday 12 June. 57 Targets achieved

 Post injury bucket list recovery goals achieved:

• Cycle past Vauxhall Bridge
• Cycle in work kit
• Cycling home from Waitrose
• Cycle from work
• Cycle to work (sort of)
• Mix Bike/train journey from work
• Cycle past Vauxhall
• Take a bike in a lift at work
• Cycle along the Thames
• Locking my bike in Waitrose
• Cyclin gat night
• Unlock my bike at Waitrose
• Cycle and go through the parking bay at work
• Achieve weekly goal
• pass through the recreation ground
• bike path through the common
• cycle past Westmonster
• Cycle past Thames river
• cycle past Milbank
• listen to cumtown podasst on bike on the way home from work
• cycle over Westminster bridge
• Cycle to Clapham
• Cycle down balhahm hill
• shower after gym in the evening (after cycling home)
• come into the office on a day with the bike where B-man is in
• Hercules Hold 10kg
• Hercules Hold 20kg
• Hercules Hold 30kg
• Hercules Hold 40kg
• Hercules Hold 50kg
• 120 Remaining PDFs
• 110 Remaining PDFs
• no pain in my wrist when typing
• cycling
• training for 30 mins
• being able to carry my bike
• 10km on bike
• 15 km on bike
• 8 mi on bike
• 10 mile on bike
• 15 mile on bike
• clear desk
• 50km in a week pokemon
• 12 mile on bike
• training for 90 mins
• 2 hours in a week
• 3 hours in a week
• 4 hours in a week
• 5 hours in a week
• No more pain in both arms waking up
• no more crispy skin on my wrist
• go to the office
• speak to boss
• not feel scared of work
• March Monthly Reivew
• April Monthly Review
• May Monthly Review

 ABC Please

A: Accumulate positive experiences. I have a few

• Cycled all the way from work
• Did 2 classes
• Hit 50km
• went to the office twice
• moving forward on pride
• dealing with some work crises
• kept active

B: Build mastry in activities that make you feel confident. 

I think maybe I'm doing that today, catching up on my planning. I don't feel 'mastery' covers it

C: Cope ahead: Working on it now

P: Physical illness prevention: Keeping physically active

L: Low vulnerabililty to disease - I think I barely did any deliveroo this week, still ate lots of junk

E: Exercise regularly:

• Tuesdy: class and cycle 
• Thursday: Cycle home
• Friday: Went to work and got home (no bike), once I got home I paused a bit then cycled to the gym and waitrose
• Saturday: morning class, then waitrose, then cycling down the common

That's 4 days? Lets see how next week goes

S: Sleep healthy. I think this is something I've been consistently good at

E: Eat healthy: I think I could do better at this

Saturday 4 June

 (Written 12 June)

Received from the mail and a swedish version of ebay or something: An eternal tears of sorrow shirt, from the 2006 album that is forgotten by almost everything except me. I don't even like the back shirt print design. Just wanted the front one. Bought xl and l. Did I really want this shirt? I kept saying I wanted this shirt for years thinking how I regretted how it was sold out. Now...not really bothered.

Thursday 14 April (the last remaining outstanding day to log)

 wake up 0330

codeine 0330

create Google keep tab for things I look forward to in recovery

found out that i have a follow up trauma appt

day 2 after surgery

regained ability to type

Saturday 16 April

 logging steps, kcal, kcal loss - first time since injury

arm pain #

2240 codeine

Sunday 17 April

 observation: mum and dad seem happy 

i  am trying to be left hand dominant on the keyboard but its causing me significant pain

shower (1:30am). thinking about new clothes for cast. thinking about recovery. extreme pain in arm from typing. 1100 wake up. extreme pain

1110 codeine

mum made bbq

Mon 18 April

 codeine 0055. buy moomenn clothing (3)

1742 codei e

A invites me to flat warming

deliveroo pizza 

lunch (mum made lumpia)

Tuesday 19 Apr

 dad told me mum has birthay thing in the afternoon on saturday. i appreciate dads support. dad bought me energy drinks. a lot of pain. sleeping all morning and afternoon. Struggling today. with motivation, with pain and low energy. 

0300 - codeines 

pain in wrist (typing). feeling isolated

Wed 21 Apr

 sleeping all morning and afternoon. pain all day. unwell all day. in bed all day. dizzy. received hosp appt letter . get well soon present from work. watching seinfeld

Thur 21 April

 working after midnight

dizzy from pain

Fri 22 April

 post midnight shower

0312: codeine

Saturday 23 May

 Social/going out: dream theater

buy new air filter

helicopter sound loud outside 4 am

1659 codiene

Uber to stadium (3) costly

Sunday 24 May

 0200 codeine

less pain in my arm than the past 2 weeks

i woke up with less pain today

I finished Dune audiobook

recovery from dream theater

planning tv watching

Monday 25 May

 Hospital appt - orthopaedics

X ray difficulty finding ward

stitches trimmed 

bandage and cast removed

first time I saw scar

hospital appt 

X ray seems like fusing of bone is fine

phone call from occupational health

I asked them to set up a trello licence if we don't have one alreadyi

i've asked occupational health to set up a license for dragon

sent home without cast 

tired after getting home

struggling after i got home

first time walking properly since incident 

slept after i got home

problem with my wrist/hand/finger bones

Tuesday 26 May

  Go to Competitor office

0314 codeine

night terrors

panic 

talking to old gay guys in the pub

wed 27

 fixated on thinking about work 

Thur 28 May

 first day wearing vambracer

Struggling at work with pain and movbility.

Fri 29 May

 exh (10) 

extremely tired today. struggling to focus on things

recovering from thursday

ignored work emails

Finished book: 

VSI Schopenhauer (Christopher Janaway) 

sat t30 may

 piano (4)

update financial monitoring matrices

Sunday 1 may

 buy soaps (£)

buy more beard shampoo

buy purple hair scrunchie

walk into primark

walk around tooting

buy supplements (£)

bought calcium supplments

bought chewable apple cider supplements

buy more shampoo and conditioner (herbal essences

Sunday 7 May

 Eating a lot of Lumpia

Put dirty sheets downstairs, change sheets

chores

I can hold a dyson now. 

listen to rammstein album

sunday 8 may

 On a sunday

Changed sheets, put dirty clothes away, 

updating halo infinite

put unite card into my wallet

buy a Medieval O ring, which I later used as an Aquaman cosplay 

Listening to a lot of podcasts, some philosophy learning, and working on the encyclopedia. I seem to be getting at a pace such that even reading about this at the 4th of June makes me feel like I'm looking into a future version of myself with the intensity of this activity. 

feel good after dinner and tv

updating 'recovery bucket list

setting up recovery/exercises

On this day I am clearly working towards looking forward. 

feel powerless

buy cigars (5) i accidentally lifted my bike with my bad hand

feeling sense of loss

Chest pain very intense. My conclusion is that I need to stop drinking coke zero and Pepsi max, which directly caused the chest pain. I shall now only drink diet after this point. Was my decision on 08/05/2022

04/06/2022

1308

tuesday 10 may

 wearing pink shirt today 

meeting with the opinion desk

 11 may (wednesday)

first day wearing kimono 

v comfortable in a kimono 

takeaway coming home: went to 'buzz' burger. i had 8 wings, fries and chicken steak burger. I'm not so hot on the wings. Fries okay, Steak burger I willing to try again. How did steak burgers go from 99p to £2.50? Bloody economy, man...

I got asked to do a profile in the company newsletter. 

I had lunch with Ers at work. Ers has been saying we should do lunch for ages.

busy at work

2 June

 I spent all day logging, catching up on the records I left for the past month as my arm is still recovering. I did a lot of posts today reflecting the notes I wrote from those previous days. What I didn't do was write about today. Today was an unexpected bank holiday. The Queen's jubillee or some shit, I've done a lot of logging. I cidn't get all of it done. Maybe I got half of it done, certainly 40%. 

It was a lot of grind to get it done. It's nearly 2230 and I think I'll just finish for now. Today is acigar day. Today is a day of noteworthy working and achievemtn. I hope that I'm, not too tired tomorrow because I want to carry on and finish my task. 

I might get some serious brain fog soon so I should wrap up for today. 

 ABC PLease

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I spent today trying to catch up on logging

B: Build mastry in activties that make you feel confident: my logging will be the case of organising and looking ahead

C: Cope ahead: I'm not there yet

P: Physical illness prevention: I ate badly today, but I triedto keep focussed on priority so that when I'm clearer I can do gym stuff when Im less busy

L: Low vulnerability ot diseases : too much sugar

E: Exercise regularly: I was at comicon 3 days and I hit the walking targets. 

A : Avoid mood altering drugs. I am avoiding coke and coke zero, but drinking loads of Diet Coke

S: SLeep Healthy: I think I've been good with this

E: Eat healthy (Seeabove)

Thu 12 Mar

 confrontational with T at work

listening to music at work

focus on Cantique de jean racine and Faure's e minor fugue took tube with C

talked to gs, brit, Sce, Ta, Jo,

speaking about Lu Sie

banter with ruo and Chr

email stuttle (2)feel sense of alientation

speaking to outsiders about work situation

Fri 13 May

 ara meeting yesterday has upset me greatly. to the degree that I have been running over th conversation in my mind until 4:20 am from 2344 yesterday. 

upset by disablism

requested days off for tara

meeting fatigue/fatigue from 3 days of very busy things

hide away

pride: brt reported an incident

emailed about adjustments

sent email about fitness to work - difficult issues raise and challegned

invitation to staff party

thinking about takeaway

Mon 16 May

 (0132) Paracetamol (after experiencing pain

(+ On this day) After much avoidance I decided to finally finish the write up and logging of Sunday 10 April, the day of my injury.

Tuesday 17 May

 preoccupation with work conflict 

hospital appt

I met the doctor who did the procedure voncme 

I met the doctor who did the procedure on me 

working on cleaning bike 

I can't focus on anything after I got home from the gym. I am very upset and nervous system very loud after exercise 

I was told my right arm pain is not physiological but psychological 

I was told waking up in pain is normal 

wednesday 18 may

 I am doing some emotion work to deal with anger

thursday 19 may

 i feel like work has abandoned me

I think I'm having a panic attack. even though exhuasted trying desperately to keep going

despite today all my efforts after 6pm to write up all the things and catch up on nps, i feel incapable of expressing myself or processing what happened today

received doctors letters from trauma and othoropedics, including my first appt letter , which is a bit late to be honest

rumination : thinking about how dizzy i was when i got in A&E, disbelief at what was happening and struggling to stay grounded

feel scared

 I saw Mr potter commenting on my LinkedIn about LGBTQI stuff and he called me Mike and I suddenly felt a surge of crying 

 thursday 19 may

confrontational meeting with HR --- maybe you don't want that on anniversary

from mon 30 may

 after avoidance I saw on my linkedin that mr potter said that  college organised a IHBT day - organised by the chaplain

from monday 31 may

 (8pm) I think after doing the logging for the first 2-3 days of my injury it's had an effect on my mindset and I feel I've lost my sense of place. I feel like today, on 30th May 2022 I don't feel the gravity or context of what today means. It's the day after comicon and I'm trying to get back into things, but I also realise that today is the day before one of the most important preliminatry conversations about the dialogue project at work and may be the most meaningful thing I do for this industry . Or maybe I'm not really that important.