Dear Diary,

I have had a really troubled sleep schedule. I woke up at 2-3pm on saturday, after I couldn't sleep during Saturday morning/Friday night. The same thing is happening again today.

What usually happens is I do a 3000kcal workout and I fall right to sleep and it's all squared out.

This coming sunday, I'm going to an event.

I've been really preoccupied lately. I'm fretting so much about saving money that I feel guilty when I spend money. I keep thinking: Is this a waste of my money or will I really use this? I've become my dad!

The thing I hate more about dwelling on purchases is the analysis paralysis which has had a very very real cost on me. In fairness I have not had any empty time in the past few days, when I've been up all night, I have really been doing something with my whole soul and full attention.

But I've had a realisation. Today I was constantly thinking about purchasing things or whether its unnecessary or not. At the same time, my sister in law is going into labour and at this very minute is in the hospital. All of those things I worry about. None of it really matters. That gave me some perspective.

Lets dwell on some positives or things I am gratitudinous about

• Pay rise begins in April (will be paid for it in May)
• I have a friend who invites me to barbeques and is good at cooking meat. Even chicken.
• I think I'm good at saving money. So good that I have managed to make a positive earning on my nutmeg account. 
• I'm in a job where nobody notices my insomnia
• I'm off to an event sunday evening, which may include wine. I'm also off to an event in April, which is a fancy high society type thing, because I'm an influencer/gatekeeper.

Anyway.

I've got some things to finish up. Maybe I'll finish by 5:30? In fairness, I did spend all of the past few hours planning the next 3 weeks. I might be up late but it is meaningful. 

Things I am thankful for:

• I can get into work late
• I have a job I really feel invested in
• I have good friends
• I love my family
• I feel strong bonds to my heritage
• As long as I'm still breathing, I feel committed to my health
• I was better at the gym this week compared to last week
• I hit 3000kcal
• I did 2 gym classes
• I rested today and even though it took a bit of time, I needed it and I felt better for it. 
• I love music
• I love tech youtube channels
• I am really happy about my financial savings arrangement where I'm putting in money a few times a week into multiple accounts.

ABC PLEASE

A - acquire positive experiences
B- Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident
C - Cope ahead - prepare and rehearse situations

P - Physical illness prevention
L - low vulnerability to diseases
E - Exercise regularly
A - Avoid mood altering drugs
S - Sleep early
E - Eat healthy

Flash card:

How to deal with uncertainty:

1. Quiet your limbic system
2. Stay positive
3. Be mindful of what you know and what you don't
4. Embrace what you cannot control/decrease your options of actions
5. Focus on what matters//get your house in order
6. Avoid perfectionism
7. Don't dwell on problems
8. Trust your gut instinct
9. Have contingency plans
10. ...don't ask what if
11. Replace expectations with plans
12. Prepare for different possibilities

I write flash cards to help me

Dear Diary,

I had a day off on Thursday.

I focussed on working on something I've been putting off for a year. I ended up sleeping longer in the afternoon than I wanted. I managed to go to a gym class in the evening. Two gym classes in fact, and I burned 2000kcal.

After that I watched the news on 5 tv feeds. Its worrying all this brexit stuff. I feel very priviledged to work for an international news organisation which has a key role in disseminating brexit to the public, as well as trying to challenge the hard leavers.

I haven't talked much about politics or work on here.

There world is really changing and has really changed, not only in the last 2-3 years but also in the years in which I've kept this blog.

I think its important to write more about that because it also reflects deep things inside me. Things that reflect my values, how I have changed as a person and how I come to change with the pervious versions of me.

Anyway I want to write about some life lessons I learned today:

• If you want to get stuff done on your days off, you have to actually work like its a work day - this means no sleeping in and it means actually getting your ass in gear not unlike having to get the tube to work
• Sometimes I feel weak and not as good as I did in a previous time slice. And that's okay
• Sometimes its okay to feel really shitty. Don't pretend you aren't and don't act like you are 'supposed to' be better. Maybe it gets better, maybe it doesnt get better for a while
• The greatest strength is in facing my vulnerabilities. I'm a bit pudgy at the moment. I want to be less pudgy. In order to do that, I have to work out which does mean I need to just accept I am pudgy right now and recognise there are things that contribute tot his and things that can change it
• I need to improve my sleep health

Good night my lovely

Agony

Dear diary,

I have to admit something.

Recently I've had moments where I have experienced mental and physical agony, but for reasons I don't understand, I pushed on.

I have been unwell with tonsil issues lately. I got better for a bit and then I got sick again. I feel desperate to push myself. I think that some of my colleagues at work are notcing that I'm pushing myself and are saying its unnecessary and that it will cause me visible harm.

Today at work I was lifting and moving about 14 boxes. I didn't hurt myself but I was super exhausted in the process. I had to pause and sit on the floor for a bit in the process. Yesterday (monday) at work I had another situation where I was pushing myself so hard that I stayed awake for 20 hours straight. I felt a unique kind of agony.

I always valorise pushing oneself, but something felt like it broke inside me. I pushed so hard that I feel like I may not be able to push like that again.

On a related note: I am taking some time out over the next two weeks. I need it.

Things I am positive about:

• I'm going to have some time off work - what will I do with myself!
• I have nice things
• I love mum and dad

Things I am looking forward to

• Steaks with Chris next week
• Phil's birthday party
• Pay rise in June
• Pay day this week
• Life getting better

It's nearly 3am and I'm still not asleep on a Sunday night/Monday Morning.

I think it might be a good time to reflect upon what has happened to my life in previous years.

So, this is my life this week in previous years:

• 2011: My last day interning as an unpaid administrator - I got a thank you card from Zeenat and Lucy. Gosh it was so horrible to have to be forced to do that for 'experience'
• 2012: My article on pop culture had been published on a feminist blog. This outcome had wider implications; as of 2019 I have since gotten to reconnect with the girl who ran that blog
• 2015: My godson's Christening. We found out that a woman who was into our friend, is now engaged to another guy in less than a year of knowing him. As of 2019 they are still together and have a little one
• 2015: Working at The Sentinel. I was working at a special supplement magazine. Afterward I played badminton and had dinner with my friend who had his 34th birthday (he's 38 now)
• 2016: I saw the Gerard Butler film London has Fallen - why did I think that was interesting enough to note?
• 2019: I have been working so hard this week, I have given my blood and stardust (metaphorically speaking) to my work lately
• 
  

It's getting close to 5am and I'm working on a bunch of plans for the next 3 weeks. I've done this so much now that it's become almost routine.

On saturday I got up a bit later but caught up on rest. I spent much of the afternoon catching up on reading.

I spent the late afternoon and early evening walking to the gym, walking home and having a subway. I did 'stack' (my ritual for deliberately overeating before my big sunday gym session). When I got home I just realised my body was exhausted so I had to sleep. I woke up close to midnight and for the past 5 or so hours since I've been working on well, planning and logging.

I want to write about something.

Some people see me as having a 'high profile job'. It is true that I run rotas and production schedules at work, and I work at a fast pace where I must make decisions quickly. I fail to realise sometimes that people see me in a certain way.

I'm getting a lot of flashbacks and memories. Memories of a person I used to be. I'm watching this series on netflix at the moment, which is about Charlie Ayo, a character played by Idris Elba who was once an early 2000s sensation but has faded into obscurity. Ayo carries lots of memories of a past version of himself and his present isn't as good as his past.

When I was at my lowest, I did believe that my present wasn't as good as my past. But that was wrong. THe present was not a terrible situation. Being depressed certainly didn't help, but I didn't realise that those years had in it the pregnant future.  That future being my present.

I have been trying to listen to people, listen to people's experiences and give them validation.

Another thing I've realised: I employ freelancers. Where I work, I'm given a budget to book people in. Although it's not specific about me, but I do make a decision between person A and person B. I realise that giving that choice between A or B makes a difference to someone. Someone who has a life, a livelihood, a living.

This thursday passing, I went into a McD's. There were two women in the concourse as I came in talking. I didn't pay any attention to it other than they were directly in front of me. What when happened was one went away and another was standing there. I went to the self service machine and one of them was trying to call me. I wasn't really in the mood to talk to someone and I was imagining they would either be asking for money or directions, and being a packed restaurant somebody else could sort it out.

Then I realised the person was like 'no its okay' as if to suggest they weren't asking for money. Then I realised they were asking for money. They were really persistent and they really were forward. I then recognised her from a previous incident. It was really forward and really aggressive. It really made me uncomfortable. But then I thought, maybe this person is really in need. Being super aggressive in tactics must be their sign of desparation. It wasn't so great.

It also put me off going to that mcd's. It says something about this age that the begging tactics have changed and adapted. It also made me think if I should have helped or not.

Hello Friend,

I haven't written an entry for a while.

Since about wednesday night/Thursday morning last week, I have been unwell. I am still recovering from tonsil issues.

I have managed to cope pretty well with being physically sick. My productivity is good and I'm hitting certain minimal targets. I'm actually surprised at that myself. It also means I'm not giving myself shit about being tired.

To use the term of some of my peers. I need to focus a bit on self care.

That isn't to say I haven't been full on. I have compartmentalised many aspects of my life and my activities are dictated as if by a pomodoro timer. As soon as the timer for one thing ends, another begins, and each new thing I go at it with some ferocity.

That is until I'm tired and my brain fogs up. Which happens a bit.

On Sunday I did my usual gym ritual. I only went up to 2400kcal instead of 3500kcal. Considering I'm unwell and I have few precedents for training when sick, I think I did well?

Perhaps if I'm lucky, I can finish work early tomorrow. I'm being a bit too ambitious perhaps.

Let's talk about the past week: it was one of my friend's birthdays and I left early. This guy is toxic and I don't really want to be his friend so much, but we are part of a group and he is part of the territory.

Other things: I'm reading about mentalisation based therapy, borderline personality disorder, the foundations to the approaches underlying borderline personality disorder and thinking about its possible application. I have started a course of 6 hours therapy. So I'm reading stuff as part of the process.

Last weekend I was watching a netflix show with Ricky Gervais. It was about bereavement. Ricky Gervais in his cod philosophy graduate way, protrayed a character who was an antinomian cunt who lost hope in life after his life ended. What he realised was that although his life may be something he doesn't value much. There are people around him who have lives, and those people have their own difficulties and their own challenges and they don't have the option to be cunts and kill themselves.

Something I'm learning lately, with this whole trump/gamergate/brexit/masculinity thing going on right now is that so many people (especially men) find it unthinkable just to listen to someone. It is always about ascent to agreement or disagreement and usually disagreement. So many things in the world could be made better if we just listened to the experiences of others and took that into account in our own behaviours.

So, I'm learning stuff lately.

I've done a shit load of catchup. I've done all my necessary paperwork for today. Despite overeating and not going to the gym (today I'm still recovering from tonsils), I do think I got a lot done.

I don't often have the energy to write or reflect in the way that this blog medium can allow for me. I feel gratitude for my competencies today. I feel gratitude for the people around me and I must reflect on my areas of growth and my challenges.

Off to bed.

This week I've been feeling good about myself.

I'm keeping clean. I did have a Guiness but no more than one. I did have a lot of colas though. Too much sugar I'm sure.

I'm positive about going to the gym during lunchtime this week. I also spent friday night catching up on loads of planning and This Saturday Night feels like a sunday night (going on to Monday) as I spent a lot of time outside today.

I feel overwhelmed if I'm honest. The baby shower today and the birthday party. It meant I was around a lot of noise and it very much drained me and my ability to pay attention to things.

This week in previous years:

2014: I began a placement working as a PA in editorial legal
2015: Belated Valentine's date
2016: Saw film Brothers Grimsby - it later had a certain significance as the memory of that film was integral to my friend's healing after his heart attack
2017: My friend Phil's leaving do before he went to New Zealand; Saw Logan film with my friend, one of the first times we went out together after his heart attack in late 2016
2018: 'Beast from the East' blizzard
2019: Baby shower which I didn't really attend; birthday party which I did attend. a lot of family things going on

Dear Diary,

This week has felt like, holding on to a horse. Amazing things happen, but I have to be fully deliberate and control the horse and not let go.

Being Deliberate is crucial to all of the best achievements of this week. I finally managed to go to the gym during lunchtime at work, I went to a gym class after work, I have had good steps. I have even set up a work plan for all the stuff I need to do over March 2019 before the end of the financial year.

The word sobriety has come up a lot in my mind. I need to keep clean in many ways. I hardly drink alcohol anymore. In fact I find its effects undesirable. I dont understand how anyone could think that the inflated ego and physical and mental dullness could be beneficial to them. Perhaps things in their lives desire it and its easier to hit the bottle than tackle other things.

This weekend is my brother and sister in law's baby shower. I'm not going. I've got another birthday party of my friend to attend and so I can tactically not attend.

This week there was a new picture editor on the magazine I work on. She is an older woman, but really cute and somehow I just feel this attraction to her. I spoke to T about it and she thinks its cute. I have this feeling inside me that I just want to be around her all the time and have banter and help her out with any issue that she has.

I spent thursday sitting next to her. Technically I'm on that desk on Thursday, but in recent months I have deliberately not sat on that desk because I prefer sitting on my other desk (I have two desks at work). There's something about her. Something about a woman my age and older. The cynicism, the slight defeat from life and the levelling of not having to be somebody else or pretend things are alright or be super ambitious or super nice. It all fades with a reality of your status (which is low).

Hmmm, the way I described it sounds like a power thing. That's not okay.

I got at my desk and worked on a bunch of things right now. I estimated it would take 6 hours to end at 0317. It's 0217 and I've basically been finished for a while now. I did correctly estimate that planning my next week and doing some non priority reading would take 6 hours roughly. I should go to bed now.