Dear Diary,

My USB lamp with the beautiful design fades from its brightest light ever so quickly.

It's 2am and I cannot sleep.

The past few days I've been on full capacity. I've gotten back to work after 9-10 days of holiday which I've thoroughly enjoyed, and I have gotten back into the pace of working life with a sprint pace.

Wednesday was really busy, but I managed to do the gym after work, albeit very late. Thursday had a spontaneous restaurant meeting with some friends. I enjoyed that, although it was a very dry cold on the way home. Friday was...I struggle to remember. It was really busy and I had HR book a temp in to help me, she was super efficient and better than I expected.

Saturday involved a date, I went to see Aquaman again with T, we went to a restaurant for a quick bite beforehand and I got home by 5pm. I was exhausted after. I ended up going to sleep by 4am, but not before working extensively on some catching up documents. I did a bunch of reading and I'm up to date.

A couple of things have been distracting me lately: I keep thinking about that flat which I saw marketed for a 25% stake share. That flat represents a lifestyle and a way forward in my life. That flat gave me hope that life can and will change. I went from 'is it a good idea to do shared ownership' to 'when can I sign'? I think about this because although I work 5 days a week; I need to advance in other areas of life in the way that so many of my friends are moving on with their lives.

There was a New years a decade ago. I think it was 2006. I was so excited about seeing my friends I felt a lift to my depression. When it came to the time that I had to go back to university and back to the life I didn't like in the university city, I went back down again. I had an ever so short glimpse of delight and it faded just as quickly. I didn't realise that as an adult, people experience lows after great highs, great parties and events end and life goes on.

It just has to be that the life that goes on should have other things to look forward to. What do I have to look forward to? That's a rhetorical question by the way.

This sunday has been good, despite waking up really late, I was actually ahead on my logging and reading, so I could just go straight to being single minded and focussing on gym workout. I did 2 classes but I was exhausted during the classes, I vomited into my clean shirt, it seemed that the preworkout was constricting my throat.

When I got home, I watched a philosophy lecture online. I then did a bit more logging, I started watching a bit of TV as well. I felt good about it. I felt good about being fully productive.

I feel anxiety about going to bed. I feel scared, even. Scared of being alone with my thoughts, scared of being in the vulnerable state of sleep.

Terrible things have happened. Not a day goes by without thinking about the terror. I feel the terror may come and haunt me again. I used to get panic attacks, triggers. I faced some of the worst things about myself and face the worst of my humanity. I faced a disaster. But then it wasn't a disaster, but in my mind, it still was.

Life is about moving forward from those things.

I wish I could sleep, I wish I could feel safe. I suppose I thrive off the artifice. What I fear is when the artifice is pulled away like a sheet over a table. Things become real then.

In a few weeks I'll see a doctor who is supposed to help with PTSD. I need to be prepared to say what specifically I need help with. I need to do some soul searching to answer that. It involves a sense of vulnerability to open up, also a sense of trust that somebody can help.