I'm forcing myslef to write something at the moment.

Busy at work. Every day brings new challenges.

Ugh. I kind of wish I even had time for my time sheets to be signed.

Anyway. I am making the most of it. I need to do more with my time after work but I feel too tired. I can barely remember what I ate for lunch (it was a nice bit of breaded halloumi on a bed of vegetables, as it happens). Really getting behind on PhD stuff.

At least I'm not thinking about the past, not too much anyway.

Also in today's news, I put on a lot of nickelback on my mp3 player. God what is wrong with me?

I might have some time to rest tomorrow. I am not going to the gym after work. I am going on thursday. I might go home on friday and not to a house party that i thought was last friday.

I might catch up on wanking tonight.

Good night.

It's hard for me to 'stop' blogging, stop being at my desk and just go to bed. I just want to write one more sentence (pause). I feel like I wish the next sentence I write will give me closure and I don't write it.

dear diary,

I've been trying to make the most of every minute I have lately.

Went to the gym on saturday, did 2 classes. WOrked in the evening to 2am

Sunday: woke up sorta late, had a big old wank and then I helped out my brother (reluctantly) at a job he was doing (he's self employed) in the local area to some yummy mummies in a hipster gentrification pub that pushes up all the property values so that I have to still live with dad - which is shitty since my brother profits from these fuckers pushing us to be their subserviant economic underclass, just like my immigrant parents were to those upstarts a generation. #cameronsbritain

I've got a lot to focus on lately, and today I have had no energy to make a plan for the week. I'm doing it right now and it's almost like burning candles on both ends.

work was busy today. but I think I'm slowly getting on top of it all.

I had a good lunch today - a nice hotdog. I wqas thinking today about bridges --- I feel like my connections with the Sunday Sentinel have gotten a bit sour --maybe I'm being paranoid. I applied for a job there and they didn't shortlist me. I suspect I didn't make a particularly good impression. In addition I do feel like I'm a burden working there. Especially on account of Jess telling me that I was surplus to requirement regarding the saturday cover.

In addition, another bridge I've burned was with Rash at the legal dept. Rash at legal likes how I work and I've performed well covering for her. However I had to say no to her request (she personally asked for me) because I am doing another cover right now.

I guess that's life...Ugh. The time I spent all of this year was basically solidifying connections and then they potentially break again. It feels really shitty.

But another thought came to my head. I think that some relationships in work and life naturally have an end or sell by date, lots of people in school I hardly ever hear from. But then there are the folks who you have enduring relationships with and stay in contact with. There is also the possibility of making new connections, new potentials. I'm reminded of that passage in the bible where Jesus talks about the mustard seed man sowing seeds ...some seeds go on the paht and don't do anything, some go on bad soil, and some go on good soil. It's just a matter of perseverance, and being open to new opportunities.

That's all good and well, except for the fact that I'm fully booked work wise for the next few weeks.

Now I've got to focus on the bases - shower regularly, stay groomed, stay fed, keep going to the gym, and sleep well.

Speaking of the last one. Better go off to bed.

I'm going to listen to some nice Gerry Mulligan on spotify, then wake up at 7 to put radio 4 on to listen to the today programme, and then get off to work.

Good night.
Although times are tough, I'm fighting. I'm thinking a lot about the past because of what Hannah triggered for me.

Things that are bothering me right now

1. Hannah is starting some very dangerous bulimia behaviours, as someone who loves her its hard to cope with and be supportive and loving to her when she's self harming in the identical way that I did things
2. I got contacted for a 2 week cover at the newspaper earlier today. I had to say no. That's £720 I won't have in my bank balance -it saddens me. The weird irony is that I can't take the assignment because I'm committed to the paternity leave at pictures
3. First day at pictures, and it all went to pot. My boss didn't write a handover document - she's too busy because the paternity leave guy left about a week earlier than planned which meant she hasn't had any time, which in turn has meant that I have had a hellish day at work. However I think that I am used to living in personal and career hells so it wasn't so bad compared to the worst of it
4. Someone at the garden meeting said a racist word ...it upset me and everyone else in the group. 

Dear Diary,

I got lots of stuff done last night. Admin stuff. Which was nice.

I start work (paternity cover) next week. The onslaught begins.

Last night I couldn't sleep so well.

So I dsecided to go to a place inside my mind that was dark.

I thought about a few things that I put in a box, knew it was there but didn't think too much about it over october/november:

• Being at the hospital in 2006
• The aftermath and the lead up to the hospital event 
• The anger issues I had for some years after, and that I still experience today.
• Bullying at school
• Being disabled at primary school
• My godmother/neighbour/close friend dying 2 years ago; seeing her in the local hospice and gasping for air and struggling to speak - that's something I bury in the deepest part of my mind

I was watching Rocky Balboa earlier tonight. I was thinking about the speech. It's not about whether you win or lose but when you get knocked down and how many times you get up again.

I did a fair amount today. I did some tidying up of my room. Stuff that was long overdue, stuff that also reflected that I had a bit more money coming in. With more money comes more admin. It was about 5-6 months overdue. I also set up some Xmas gifts and wrote some christmas cards. 

Dear Diary,

Just updated my pay matrix estimates for work over December-Jan.

Jan work gets me paid on late Feb, late feb pays me through to March and possibly April.

I think it's fair to say for at least those next few months I have a bit of money coming in to be off the breadline.

So long as I don't do something ridiculous like buy a computer. I already bought one :p

just spent the past hour doing online surveys. last year I got £50 from YouGov. I am close to getting that again :)

really should be doing real stuff now instead of online surveys. I'm going to lay in bed and play my tablet games - really obsessed with Star wars and Family Guy at the moment.

Dear Diary,

I had a dream that I was checking my inbox and that I got notified there was a grad scheme for the Guardian.

What a weird fucking dream. I won't tell The Sentinel that I'm dreaming about their competition. I once had a dream I was in a star wars TIE fighter and the fuel was leaking. Then I realised the TIE fighter is solar powered. I pissed myself in real life. Very weird dream - and weird way I discovered that.

I got a call from Mim at the Sentinel (who I met earlier this week), she told me that the dude I'm covering for paternity/she is covering for and I need to cover for her, had a baby early (yay!) and that consequently means that I will be starting earlier. I could have started today or tomorrow, but I will be starting on Monday. I'm working at Shambly on Friday (tomorrow) and it's too short notice to cancel. Also I cancelled already for a shift. I don't want to have a bad reputation there. Things are a bit tense at Shambly lately.

I am currently listening to Lykke Li. I made loads of playlists.

My mood has gone up a bit. I am also struggling to keep up with all this stuff happening lately. I don't feel I have the energy lately. Life's gone up a gear and i just have to hang on.

Anyway I better get back to my schedule. I have a fuckload to do

I went to work today doing a handover, it lasted only a few hours. But I will get paid for the whole day :D

Extra money galore.

I woke up today not able to find my 'good trousers' (the black uniqlo skinnies that show off my calves). I ended up having to resort to some brown cords I bought of M&S that I was too embarrassed to return because it didn't fit my waist. Turns out that it does fit my waist now, just about.

I think that's a signifier that my recent breathing problems that affect my eating are having an effect.

I got some newspapers to read tonight. Might get on with that :)

Things I did on Monday

• (Failed) to attempt to book Gp appt
• Archiving
• Booked Gym classes
• Direct Debit gym paid?
• Job search
• Monthly review
• Organised schedule for the next few days (accounting for working hours)
• PIcked up conditioner batch from Boots
• Received confirmation (sort of) that I'm doing a handover this week
• Stupour (woke up late)
• TV Watching
• Circuits class

12 things done.

Not bad.

Dear Diary,

Money situation is going to be a bit better ---but I do think I could aim higher.

So I did my calculations and I'm working a few extra days this week. I'll have a 4 day week in fact.

Actually -- I didn't get the clearest confirmation from HR about my handover.

So I'll be working at one of the desks at the Sentinel and because it's a maternity something or other, I'll need todo some further calculations.

I had some breathing problems at the gym today. It's becoming commonplace.

I better go to bed soon. I have a bit of a day ahead of me.

I do kind of want to stay up, and say something deep. But maybe, the intelligent thing would be to fight another day.

hi diary,

this week had high hopes but Im not sure if they were met.

I was contacted about doing some extra work in december. Still no reply about that firm enough to design an income matrix

For the past 3-4 hours I've been scheduling my week and what I'll do in the time.

Maybe I'll do a list of 5 things that I've done in the past week I can say are unique/i'm proud of, and a list of 5 things to look forward to (without doing the obvious Christmas one).


Things I've done in the week

• Did circuits class
• Assessment centre
• 11 fitness sessions
• Contacted about a 6 week cover
• Did some shopping for christmas (albiet just a little bit)

Things to look forward to:

• Getting confirmation that I'm doing the cover (at the moment it's not firm yet)
• Confirmation that I'm working this saturday
• Discussion group this wednesday
• Having the house to ymself on Saturday
• Having a bit more money and thinking about nice things to buy

I better go to bed now. Even if I don't sleep, I'll just muse. I am having a chat with a nice woman on google chat right now, about a not so nice topic (the nonconsentual stuff that happened to me). She's so supportive.