Dear Diary,

I feel like something is hitting me hard lately. That thing is when events I have planned do not go to the plan in actuality. I get irked by it.

This has been the case lately. I've had a box that UPS is supposed to deliver. It has not arrived. It said on the UPS note that it was due to arrive on monday but it has not. This has been a blight on my mind since monday.

Another thing has pissed me off. When I was going on the tube home yesterday, a man sat next to me and he was doing this fucking manspreading thing. I defensively held on my jacket and I think as a result of it I  held the jacket upside down without making a fuss, when I should have made a fuss. Anyway as a result of it I lost something which I have had to spend £40 to re-source.

Anyway I did something different today.

After work, I went to get some groceries. I bought food from a list I made. I made a list of healthy foods and specific desirable qualities. So I bought some salmon, spinach and Oats. When I got home I decided to prepare Overnight Oats. That's A Thing apparently.

So...when the morning comes, lets see how it goes!

I'm in a hurry so I better to this quickly.

Every week as you know, I task myself to make a list of 3 things I'm positive about today, and a list of things I'm positive about in the future:

• I love my mum and dad. I feel like things with them are like a golden age right now. They can't be better, in fact, they won't be better. 
• I have a very busy social calendar this December, which is nice. I don't remember last year being like this. I don't remember last year at all! Anyway I'm happy that I have a social calendar with parties, meeting friends and so on.
• Today (well sunday) I did a 4000kcal gym workout. Pretty extreme eh! I feel so good after, I feel like I sweated out all the bad things in my body, including bad attitudes

Things I'm positive about in the future:

• The Union is arguing for a 5.5% pay rise, which is nice
• The reputation of The Sentinel is at an all time high, and I'm a part of an historically significant organisation
• (my mind is a blank now)
• I am um...listening to different music than usual?
• I've set up a food list. I might eventually evolve it into a food planner. I've initially made a 'bucket list' purchases for food. The list I'm now making is a proper examination of healthy foods, their properties (i.e. why I should eat it) and maybe provide me ideas of ways to eat and prepare them. 

I just wish that I could find Broccoli based dishes in fast food takeaways.

Anyway. I got some shit to do before I go to bed, so toodles. 

Dear Diary,

Perhaps it's the CBD
Or perhaps

Autumnal blues have arrived.

I'm getting lots of flashbacks lately. I'm also feeling very emotional.

I feel a lot more love for T, and I've told her that. I'm a shitty boyfriend.

I've been worrying about things. My parents have been doing something recently which is scaring me abit. They are saying things like: this next car we buy will possibly be our last, so lets make it a good one. They are pulling out all their assets from their stocks and shares accounts.

I'm thinking about them, I'm thinking about them as a couple, knowing that their time together is nearing some kind of inevitable end. It feels unbearable not for me but for mum and dad individually. I'm also worrying about...my relationship has broken down with certain people in my family.

I have been a real dick and ...it's caught up to me. I've been such a dick that I could have ruined my career, I've ruined my career if I ever wanted to go into politics or public affairs; I could have ruined my brother in law, sister and brother's lives with the stupidity of my life and my careless hubris (careless hubris..not a George Michael Song I know of).

In the shattered mirror of my decisions, I don't think that I can put things together as they once were. I fear I may not be able to put them together again. I fear that things have happened (some by me, some by wider  family) have split the family forever.

I have a continual night terror. That of being alone, of dying alone, of having no kids and no marriage and once I'm gone, nobody is there to mourn me. The horror is when I wake up as well as experiencing the dream. When I wake up, I'm young-ish and not an old man, and I am not in that position yet, but I feel I'm slowly and inexorably drifting towards what seems like a foregone conclusion.

A couple of things make me realise that things are not well in my mind and in my life. My room is a fucking sty. I keep receipts, plastic bags, cutlery, books, books, review books, books i've bought, notebooks, coins, cardboard boxes, unopened christmas presents, clothes from my 20s that no longer fit me, clothes rom my 30s that I recently bought on impulse. Basically I'm a hoarder. It's really making an adverse affect on my life.

Something else made me realise that things are not well. There was a trigger on sunday afternoon. I'm not going to say what it was. It was seemingly innocuous, but when it happened in my room, I felt unsafe. I felt almost a panic mode. My mind went to fight or flight, and I did flight. I lay in my bed and put on some mindless youtube videos just to pretend like I'm doing something. I'm scared. Things scare me - unexpected sounds, sirens, loud motorcycles, people whose behaviour or motives I cannot immediately understand, the uncertainty of the future, getting rid of things, not getting rid of things, getting new things without getting rid of things, getting new things and getting rid of things, not getting things and neither getting rid of things nor not getting rid of things.... it's exhausting.

I want to cry but I don't know what to say, I don't know what the feeling or thought is directed to. At work today I felt on the verge of tears and I didn't know why.

I realised something lately: I've been working at The Sentinel for 5 years now. Yes, it is true that I wasn't on contract for 5 years or on permanent staff. But it has been 5 years associated with that paper. I see the veterans of the paper, I think I am one of them now. I also think about the people who were once there who I saw as the veterans and no longer are there. I also think about how my position has changed. I see the perky but wet behind the ears temps who sometimes work here. I want to say something like: I was where you were once...but that is patronising and irrelevant and unhelpful to them.

I'm not that person anymore and that person is not relevant to their situation. My situation is relevant to their situation and my situation is that I am a bit more senior and experienced and knowledgeable in the company, and not a wet behind the ears casual. I have serious responsibilities and I look after a headcount of about 70 - at any given point, someone is at paternity/maternity, jury duty, bereaved or getting married. I feel the heaviness of their lives. One person told me that they didn't expect their mother to live through the year. They didn't. I see the heaviness of other people's lives. I have my own heaviness. I try not to bring my personal self into work, but when I sit with people after a while, it just necessarily rubs off.

I think that the CBD oil is taking effect. My mind is slowly cooing to a restful pause. It feels more organic than sedative drugs.

I should also say: I've started talking to Mia again.

Don't worry I'm not purging.

But...I need Mia right now. I need a woman who scares me. I need a woman who gets inside my head that I can't do cute flirty talk with. I need a mirror. I need to suppose truth is a woman.

I need my past. I feel like I've forgotten myself. 

Ignore that last thing I said - that's not true.

Dear Diary,

I've been spending money like nobody's business lately. Some expenses I have accounted for long in advance. But still...

I think I need to consider that I should spend less in the near future. Fuck, the jacket I bought was £350. But it is a legendary jacket.

Anyway.

Today I got up properly out of bed maybe from 11am. I had some breakfast. After the shower I got to my desk and things moved at a good pace from there. I got a fuckload done in my non priority schema and I have caught up on things I've been meaning to for ages.

I think that waking up well had given me a good pace for the day.

Other things on my agenda: I want to go outside, just because. My motivation today has been that I need to rush all of my chores so as to be in a state where I can go outside.

But really. I realise that I don't really need to go outside. I might order a deliveroo though.

Things that have happened:

• I bought a shearling jacket £££
• I bought a lot more supplement foods
• I bought some uniqlo clothes --- twice
• I bought some 'winter trousers' but I'm not fully happy with them
• I bought some alexander wang branded uniqlo clothes -a special range. they feel really futuristic and sci fi. They also don't feel polyester-y with that weird smell after its worn for a while

So, it's almost midday and saturday morning.

I really want to go outside today, just to go for a walk. I don't want to do anything specific. I just want to walk. 

Things that happened today:

• I got the CBD oil from amazon. I'm starting to feel quite drowsy now so I might go to bed after this post. 
• I wore the camel coat for the first time. Well not the first time this year, but the first time for this autumn-winter period. The camel coat is effortlessly stylish and coming into its 3rd year now
• I was at a meeting where I had to be confrontational to people. Not in a mean way but I did need to correct them. 
• I did body attack today. Only half of the class. That's my new tuesday routine now. My knee isn't 100%, it may never be, but I need to work in my body's limits. 
• After being confrontational, I have been preoccupied with intrusive thoughts that have gotten in the way of my evening. I'm trying (to some degree of success) to just soldier on.
• i think that I've been quite depressed lately. I'm just remembering the past couple of years and I'm not proud of myself. I'm revisiting old thoughts. I'm revisitng old selves. I'm revisiting old memories.

Anyway. I should go to bed. If I get up early enough I might get to have McDonalds'

And now I just realised tomorrow is Wednesday - the sucky day. 

It's midnight. I'm sitting at my desk. I'm deciding whether to go to bed or to stay up a little more. It smells funky in my trousers. That can't be right as I got into some fresh clothes

No wait...I didn't. I'll switch up after this post.

Today I have some problematic intrusive thoughts. I was in a confrontational situation at work. Everything amicable I hope, but I keep replaying the situation in my head. I don't think it's helpful.

What I will do is: get some errands done for the rest of the night. Maybe then I'll go to bed. or something.

Perhaps I should exercise some thankfulness exercises.

• I really am glad that I currently have both of my parents and are in reasonable health currently. 
• I like having a gym card and a routine of going to classes on tuesday
• I like having a job
• I'm working on my finances
• I have reasonable health
• I have access to lovely food
• There weren't too many fireworks outside to scare me tonight
• I am safe
• I got that CBD oil
• I got another lumberjack shirt from uniqlo

Dear Diary,

I'm getting into a certain swing with my life at the moment.

It's almost proper adulthood. Except that I live in mum and dad's custom built loft.

So this weekend: Saturday I got up early to get the flu jab. I have a corporate certificate at work to get a flu jab. I then did some window shopping. I've been thinking lately about a couple of things, firstly how to get winter worthy clothes and secondly, additional supplements to my regime.

Someone recommended CBD oil to me. I think I might go into that to help me. When I got home in the afternoon, I fell asleep. I woke up and it was dark. I decided to sit at my desk and do 8 hours of straight working.

I was thinking to myself on sunday at 3am as I got to bed: doing those 8 hours on my desk: did I really feel like I achieved anything significant? I'm doing little bitty tasks. Let me list them for you:

• I've set up a new spreadsheet to monitor my assets
• I've calculated how much money I have tied to savings and in my investment portfolio
• I've been doing some product research: looking for things to buy for winter weather. Particularly trousers. 
• I watched some TV, kept some things earmarked on iplayer and ended up watching a movie
• I bought that CBD oil and gels I've been meaning to get for a while
• I've updated some templates that I use 
• I've updated some data on my savings and setting savings goals

God that shit sounds boring as fuck.

The reality is. I can't function as a normal human being unless I get all this administrative stuff done. It helps me be able to go to work and have asense of peace of mind. 

On sunday, I felt quite unwell. I believe it was as a result of the flu jab that I had a fever. My fever seems to have passed within a few hours. It did mean however, that I was unable to go to the gym for Sunday, which is my favourite thing. 

I fell asleep and got up by about 6-7pm. I then decided to get to my desk and busy myself. I read about 13 magazines and caught up on other administrative shit. I'm up to date (mostly) and I've set a plan into place for the next week. I've even set some dates for November-December.

I have noticed that the next few weeks will consist of 'organised fun'. I will be going to see a few films at the cinema. There is a nightwish gig. I have two Christmas parties and I might be doing some Christmas things.

There's something that feels good to me but might seem really small that has brought me some pleasure lately. On friday I took a half day. I thought about going to the cinema but I ended up window shopping. Anyway, I bought a lumberjack shirt from uniqlo. It really has changed my life. I love the soft, yet coarseness of it. It is softer than my corduroy shirt and more versatile in terms of wearing. It's casual, smart casual, masculine and (I assume) practical. 

I think that I have found the universal shirt. This is like me discovering the black t shirt or black longsleeve all over again. This is going to be my staple. The only problem is that I want to wear it so much that it's gotten dirty again. I have bought a second shirt to deal with that problem. I've become very atttached to it. 

I feel my motivation is good. I haven't been 'dependent' on the preworkout supplement to boost my mind. I feel it is a drug and like many drugs, there can be dependency issues. I was on a date last week and I chose not to drink. I think that I am happy not drinking. I could go by the rest of my life without any alcohol and I probably wouldn't mind a big deal. I don't think that I could do that for beef, though. I fucking love beef. 

I really want a better relationship with my family. Things have happened that have distanced me from the family. Things of my own doing. Ultron from the marvel films say: we create the things that we dread most. I had my ultron moment. 

I like writing these blog posts to close off my week. It feels exceptionally therapeutic. I need some kind of healing. Let's close off this therapeutic reverie by addressing the 'on this day' of previous dates in previous years for this week:

• 2018: I was heavily involved in political cartoonist stuff at work
• 2018: First time I had a mcdonald's bagel - my god those are heavenly. Got to go for double sausage and additional bacon. Nom nom nom! 
• 2017: A BBC news article came out about some things I was woring on
• 2017: My uncle was hospitalised. The issues with my uncle are still ongoing, but he's still with us and making improvements from what it was. It makes my dad and me feel very vulnerable.
• 2016: Dave's last day. Dave was the guy who offered me the fixed term contract and I always felt that he was on my side. When Dave left, I felt distinctly more isolated. 
• 2014: I'm working on the newsdesk of a sunday paper: I'm regularly booked on the sunday paper and it is very exciting
• 2013: It was my last day working on the sport desk. A baptism of fire but it set up the work that I do now.
• 2013: I attended a Buddhist U35 discussion group. I was invited and found it interesting. It tapered off after a while
• 2013: I bought a Galaxy Ace phone - it's a piece of shit but I think it was my second ever smartphone. I wasn't with as much money then as I have now, so I had to just get any phone. Buying that phone began a process to getting the phone that I have now. 

Anyway: i ought to go to bed -- just one more errand.