Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Hello old friend.

Depression, you are the friend who comes back after ages and its like you've never left.

This isn't an odd day where I worry about it coming back. It's back. It's really back. That episode that I keep writing about on this awful blog and even the time after where I talk about how it has moved past and I get through life after the episode --- well now I'll talk about how it's back again.

It's different this time. I felt that before it was linked to my past, linked to specific things. Now I feel as if it is timeless, pure, Platonic, even.

I'm trying to get by my life despite it. But it's hard when you sleep 14 hours a day and feel like you are 150% your body weight.

It's hard to concentrate, I've lost my interests. I feel frightened to go out. Then there's the panic attacks.

I write about this but I'm cautious not to sound like a victim. To some extent I am the author of my own depression. As Ultron says in the Age of Ultron film: Everyone creates the thing they dread.

Today I'm off. I've been off for a while. My job situation changed over the past few months - I'm sitll not full time in a 'proper' job. But I work casual/freelance sort of thing. It doesn't feel great but it is increasingly common these days for folks to work in this way.

For the past few hours I've been reading a stack of papers and magazines that I've collected. I'm trying to catch up with the world, in so doing, catching up with trying to be 'me'. Whoever that is.

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