Dear Diary,

I have been wondering if depression makes me smarter. I remember reading that people with depression have a tendency to think in a certain way that involves critical thought (which could be an aspect of intelligent thinking)

On the other hand I've also read somewhere that many patients with depression have a reduced brain section which is related to memories.

My mind is a depressed mind at the moment. I'm trying to navigate what that means for me, outside of third personal hearsay of scientific studies.

I woke up a bit earlier than usual today, that's good. Another positive is that I engaged in a new situation or two today. I saw a new shop and had brunch in a coffee house. I've also been working on setting tasks for myself during my working days over the next month.

When I'm at work lately I've often requested a few things from IT and site management that help me with my work, namely, past editions of the sentinel. I have noted that this is an habitual pattern and so I've looked at the calendar to decide upon which editions I'll need a look at, and i've listed them in the upcoming work days that I'm doing.

That basically means, I am purporting what my mindset will be like in the future (assuming consistency) and making the decision already in my head and just writing my outcome.

I call it outsourcing my brain to the cloud.

I also feel pretty low.

In other news, my diet has gotten better.

Positives:

• I am in love with the winter jumper that I bought
• I love my blue lit desk tools
• I like getting free stuff
• I've got a lot to do, in the sense of many plans and many things - probably too much actually. But I am not short on things I could do. Just the energy and attention for it all.
• My relationship with my brother is pretty good at the moment.

i remember a younger version of me would pride themselves on saying the unsayable. exploring social taboos by bringing it to the air.

I've found people don't always want to talk about things, that's a given. But the other thing is that people also don't want to listen, or listen selectively within the locus of things they consider taboo and acceptable - avoiding or filtering out the bad stuff.

I think I am no different.

I should write on this blog more. I've been quite depressed lately. My head hasn't been in a good place of late, then bad stuff happens on top of it.

It could be very easy to make this about my weight.

Yesterday I wrote about how I'm eating better and how it's making me feel better about my body.

Someone I chat to on facebook suggested that I make a list of positives when I feel low. So i can make it a balancing act. Focus on the positives, the negatives are very much there and I just have to accept that. But the positives can also be there too.

I have one recurring fear. That is I may one day be alone for christmas. No family, no friends. For whatever reason (and I'm sure there will be many), they wont have me around.

When I started writing this blog I had a penchant for gap long sleeve tops.

During my first depression (that's what I'll call it), I felt lost because the life I knew changed so much that I realised it couldn't continue anymore. One response to this was to change myself in various ways. I got into new music, developed new routines and I tried to be different sartorially.

In 2005 I had a pair of shoes. They were climbing shoes with really thin soles but also light to walk in. I developed a relationship with those shoes. They eventually died, then I got into brown Chelsea boots. I've replaced them a few times but I still wear the same type of shoes today.

This week I bought a lot of winter gear from uniqlo. At the gym today I realised with my unshaved face and slightly longer hair, combined with some slight weight loss recently; I looked in the mirror of the gym studio and I saw a future of the 2007-8 version of me. I saw that old look, re vitalised or reborn.

My old look. It makes me a bit emotional. I feel its 'classic me'.

when one of my friends tells me that it's time i need to change my behaviour and act more maturely, i think its time i need to soberly reflect on my life.

Not that I haven't been doing that anyway.

But I could do a better job at life, a better effort in giving a shit about other people, myself and respecting other people.

I have a confession.

Recently I've been slowly more and more drawn to religious (specifically Catholic) upbringing


There's an idea in Catholicism - called venial sin, that everyone is a scumbag, potentially and actually. I think that's really powerful for me because I realise how much of a potential and actual scumbag I've been, that I am and that I could be. It makes me sad, it makes me feel ashamed. It makes me feel like I'm a scumbag both from my actions and from my inherent design.

That's what I might call step one.

Then there's step two. Owning up to it. Acknowledging I'm a scumbag and working on being a better person.

Then maybe there's a step three - trying to make good on in the future potentially or intentionally being a dickhead.

Maybe I was brought up catholic and brought up with guilt. I'm not saying that's wrong or right, right now, my sense of regret and guilt is valid.

Now, how do I use that to do the step three thing, and make it right, make me better.

Dear Diary,

My head is a cocktail of fuck, a fucktail if you will. Insomnia, panic attacks, hot and cold coming over me constantly.

I got up 'early' at 12. I fell asleep about 7:30am due to the insomnia. I'm so tempted to get some sleeping pills - but I'm worried that I could get addicted to them.

Today I'm sitting at my desk, listening to the smiths. My desk is a mess. I haven't eaten much between last night and today. I'm really into sparkling water right now.

I better get back to my work.

Hello old friend.

Depression, you are the friend who comes back after ages and its like you've never left.

This isn't an odd day where I worry about it coming back. It's back. It's really back. That episode that I keep writing about on this awful blog and even the time after where I talk about how it has moved past and I get through life after the episode --- well now I'll talk about how it's back again.

It's different this time. I felt that before it was linked to my past, linked to specific things. Now I feel as if it is timeless, pure, Platonic, even.

I'm trying to get by my life despite it. But it's hard when you sleep 14 hours a day and feel like you are 150% your body weight.

It's hard to concentrate, I've lost my interests. I feel frightened to go out. Then there's the panic attacks.

I write about this but I'm cautious not to sound like a victim. To some extent I am the author of my own depression. As Ultron says in the Age of Ultron film: Everyone creates the thing they dread.

Today I'm off. I've been off for a while. My job situation changed over the past few months - I'm sitll not full time in a 'proper' job. But I work casual/freelance sort of thing. It doesn't feel great but it is increasingly common these days for folks to work in this way.

For the past few hours I've been reading a stack of papers and magazines that I've collected. I'm trying to catch up with the world, in so doing, catching up with trying to be 'me'. Whoever that is.

I have depression again.

For me, there is not as much emotion as the first time it happened.

For me it's more like: oh shit, I'm too tired to do anything, I'll just put youtube videos on my phone and I'll pass out to sleep.

It's hard to fight, because its like being constantly tired.

There isn't an emotional component as much as a physical side. I think my emotional maturity is able to separate it.

Right now I'm just trying to keep upright, I'm trying to stick to a few priorities. Keep my room tidy and keep afloat.

My brain's in a haze. It's sort of like being drunk, except no booze. If I pull through this I should say to myself that I should avoid alcohol. There's no point in having alcohol if I don't need to drink it to feel this way. It's like I'm drunk for free.

I'm trying to be optimistic and funny. Although really I'm just --- really really tired.

Really really tired