Today we went to a gothic shop where in the basement they do piercings and tattoos. The guy was telling us today that his nephew jumped off a bridge unto the motorway. I thought he must be pretty injured but the tattooist there said he was physically okay and maybe stable. After the session, he told a work colleague that 'he [the nephew] still wants to do it'.
BANG
I realised. It was a suicide attempt. As they were discussing it I noticed some details of the situation of this kid, and some comments that the two people at this shop were making:
This kid had a girlfriend, a 'goth' as the tattooist called her; she encouraged his depression and encouraged him to go off the drugs. Apprently this kid is seriously ill and near to psychotic. This kid felt that life was not worth it anymore, they observed that people in that situation tend to be very intelligent. The gothic girlfriend self-harmed and did not encourage recovery from depression.
What I noticed as they were talking was that that kid was me, well, not literally me, but I was once in that situation not long ago. I felt so embarrassed in a way; that my life is very much a pastiche, or a parody, or a ideosyncratic path: the depressed guy gets involved with the goth girl and is very upset, near suicidal.
I felt embarrassed that my current girlfriend knew me from back then. I'm embarrassed that she saw me as that person, that I said that I loved Marie and never would stop loving her. I'm embarrassed that when I first met Antonia I was pining for someone else. I was embarrassed that I live with these decisions. I was embarrassed of who and what I was at that time.
I was also hiding, pretending not to know about the situation, which, to some extent, I didn't; but I did know in another. That person was living my life. The kid probably hates the doctors too.
How do I react to this situation I was in today? This conversation that I was present in, to my girlfriend; who must have known that was once me...
It is the elephant in my room. I'll let it stay an elephant for now to other people. The stigma of other people knowing that I was that person is not helpful right now. I want to strive to get a job and save up, sort out my tax situation, and maybe, just maybe, sort out my life.
BANG
I realised. It was a suicide attempt. As they were discussing it I noticed some details of the situation of this kid, and some comments that the two people at this shop were making:
This kid had a girlfriend, a 'goth' as the tattooist called her; she encouraged his depression and encouraged him to go off the drugs. Apprently this kid is seriously ill and near to psychotic. This kid felt that life was not worth it anymore, they observed that people in that situation tend to be very intelligent. The gothic girlfriend self-harmed and did not encourage recovery from depression.
What I noticed as they were talking was that that kid was me, well, not literally me, but I was once in that situation not long ago. I felt so embarrassed in a way; that my life is very much a pastiche, or a parody, or a ideosyncratic path: the depressed guy gets involved with the goth girl and is very upset, near suicidal.
I felt embarrassed that my current girlfriend knew me from back then. I'm embarrassed that she saw me as that person, that I said that I loved Marie and never would stop loving her. I'm embarrassed that when I first met Antonia I was pining for someone else. I was embarrassed that I live with these decisions. I was embarrassed of who and what I was at that time.
I was also hiding, pretending not to know about the situation, which, to some extent, I didn't; but I did know in another. That person was living my life. The kid probably hates the doctors too.
How do I react to this situation I was in today? This conversation that I was present in, to my girlfriend; who must have known that was once me...
It is the elephant in my room. I'll let it stay an elephant for now to other people. The stigma of other people knowing that I was that person is not helpful right now. I want to strive to get a job and save up, sort out my tax situation, and maybe, just maybe, sort out my life.
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