The tattooist's nephew

Today we went to a gothic shop where in the basement they do piercings and tattoos. The guy was telling us today that his nephew jumped off a bridge unto the motorway. I thought he must be pretty injured but the tattooist there said he was physically okay and maybe stable. After the session, he told a work colleague that 'he [the nephew] still wants to do it'.

BANG

I realised. It was a suicide attempt. As they were discussing it I noticed some details of the situation of this kid, and some comments that the two people at this shop were making:

This kid had a girlfriend, a 'goth' as the tattooist called her; she encouraged his depression and encouraged him to go off the drugs. Apprently this kid is seriously ill and near to psychotic. This kid felt that life was not worth it anymore, they observed that people in that situation tend to be very intelligent. The gothic girlfriend self-harmed and did not encourage recovery from depression.

What I noticed as they were talking was that that kid was me, well, not literally me, but I was once in that situation not long ago. I felt so embarrassed in a way; that my life is very much a pastiche, or a parody, or a ideosyncratic path: the depressed guy gets involved with the goth girl and is very upset, near suicidal.

I felt embarrassed that my current girlfriend knew me from back then. I'm embarrassed that she saw me as that person, that I said that I loved Marie and never would stop loving her. I'm embarrassed that when I first met Antonia I was pining for someone else. I was embarrassed that I live with these decisions. I was embarrassed of who and what I was at that time.

I was also hiding, pretending not to know about the situation, which, to some extent, I didn't; but I did know in another. That person was living my life. The kid probably hates the doctors too.

How do I react to this situation I was in today? This conversation that I was present in, to my girlfriend; who must have known that was once me...

It is the elephant in my room. I'll let it stay an elephant for now to other people. The stigma of other people knowing that I was that person is not helpful right now. I want to strive to get a job and save up, sort out my tax situation, and maybe, just maybe, sort out my life.

ANX-iety

Okay today was supposed to be an enjoyable or at least, a fairly straightforward day. I go on the train to my girlfriend's place, wait for a while, pack, cuddle, eat, fuck.

As I got out of the station I noticed that my landlord had called me. I feel anxiety. I call him, reluctantly; I managed to pass that stage. Upon calling him, he lets me know of the council tax bill. He said it was around 1800 (I am rounding up the nearest hundred). I panic, I pause, I move for a little while, I pace about the flat. Finally I decide, how I react to this determines my emotional wellbeing and attitude. My attitude is: FACE THE SITUATION.

I decided to be proactive. I am looking at my finances, incoming, outgoing. If I streamline my eating expenses to £40 and leaving about £150 emergency/unexpected bills/'you never know when...' to spend/save that £40. That leaves my incoming money plus housing/council tax benefit. I can pay about £800 next month methinks. The next month, £400; August, maybe £600 and at the start of september (my last month of the contract) I shall pay whatever remains.

I must stay true to my plan, make no pleasure/personal expenses, and fight this situation. In the meantime I must be more vigilant to apply for jobs. I am scared, but I must try to overcome this.

Also I noticed how fat I look

Clearing out the cupboard

Before I take the train back to my girlfriend's place, I have been sorting through some old clothes either to put in the charity bag; to see if I will one day fit into them if I lose weight again; and finally if I can still wear them or want to wear them again.

I find that clothes identify me with both a time and a sense of self. The sense of self that I had in certain times make me feel embarrased. I never went out very much during school and college and I suppose I didn't have many good friends outside of school and college, that meaning, that I hardly met them outside of school. There is also the factor that we had a lot more parental dependence during those days.

I am reminded of phases or tidbits of my life.

a. 2005: I was still in the big room, my brother only recently moved back into the house. It was said to only be temporary that my brother arranged to live back with our parents. Not only does he currently still live here, but he also took the big room. I am now in the shitty box room that has been de-personalised with many objects and effects that do not belong to me. I remember a point in the summer when I could not ut my favourite trousers on. They were a soft cotton dark navy pair of fairly casual-smart trousers that had a fair amont of comfort and cool in equal measure. I couldn't fit into them because of my overeating; because of my habits of eating a readymeal in the oven every afternoon, eating all of the ice cream as soon as it came; picking on food throughout my summer when I had nothing to do in those months between university years. I cried as I struggled to put on my torousers, with the door closed, I also came to find my parents were calling me for some event and they werein a hurry.

Anguish filled me, self-hate, regret at all of those times I decided to eat, but also, a sense that I was not in control of my situation; a sense in which I had no way of changing this situation and all I could volitionally do was make it worse. My depression consumed me and I refused to accept that fact. Partly because I aw that accepting it would make it worse, and partly because I by not progressing, did not effect much change. For me, seeing those trousers again represented a single moment, that moment when I was hiding the fact that Iwas crying strongly, and feeling a strong sense of self-resentment.

b. I found also the 'goth jacket'. Im not quite sure why I bought that, It was during a period in sept-oct 2006, when most of my days comprised of walking about either laying in bed or masticating via the takeaways on the nearby village part of the university town. I lived a pretty bleak existence. It was after the anxiety of 2nd year where my problem was mainly anxiety, I felt like I was getting better for a bit and then an event trigged an even worse off.

I saw that there was a clique who were emerging from friends of some friends I had at the ADC, because I was very anxious and silent a lot of the time, I never really had much to say or had the chance to be part of their clique: especially because I felt that I had some similarities to them. I got this goth jacket in an attempt to try to establish some sense of character to identify with. It also hid my fat pretty well. I found that the jacket was ill-fitting to my character sensibilities, although I am far from saying that my sensibilities are fixed, I feel a little bit more conformist or 'bland' in my clothing choice; while I do have ideosyncracies and things I must hold to which may be unique. I don't feel like making a bold stand is part of it. I prefer things that are both practical and expressive in clothing, rather than being all image, which, I suppose is how I see the jacket. It was my desperate attempt to be part of a 'clique' or some kind of 'scene' or 'trend' or 'group'.

c. During this period of the start of my first undergraduate year I also purchased poorly decided military surplus. I have always considered that military surplus stores have real gems. I use a pair of oxford parade shoes in every formal gathering. They have served me well for 4 years and I feel real attachment and pride to it. I hope they last me many more years. I also bought some things which fail to come of use. I do still use a green towel from the surplus store, but I found a weird soldier's belt that didn't actually fit me. It fills me with embarrassment and shame, and I have tried many times to find use of the very cool looking belt; I still am looking for a way to use it...

d. While on the subject of belts, I used to have a belt that I was very proud of, it was a nice leather suit belt that I wore with pride with all the suits I wore, and I did indeed wear a lot of suits, it was part of that loss of identity of being in the all boys school and not having a social life, that I thought wearing a suit was a sign of professionalism, pride and intellectual rigor. I slowly moved out of that, but some friends still adhere to that norm in their dress shirt-wearing and black shoes. I used to wear suits, it was a part of me. I later tried to break out of this in the university years. Finding my identity was muddied by my depression.

I expressed confusion in my dress sense, a sense of me hiding in the big clothes, and I did not feel very proactive or willing to change. I had these belts during the days when I would go with some friends to a 'club' yet not actually talk to any girls or anything. It was a miserable failure fuleld by lack of confidence. I tried to be cool with the high street fashion trends but found myself to be superficial, insecure, lacking the very depth that I thought I had that made me different.

Here's to writing about my memories. Now that I've said it in this diary, I fele no need to revisit this art of my past again. I feel free to let go of it. I feel free to remove it from existence.

Three reflections of the day

When I was depressed for about 4 years, life seemed a lot more melodramatic. I suppose I was the only one to see the world in that way, and other depressives too, I add.

I feel that I have blogged a lot less because I have less motivation to do so. I don't feel as much distress and I am wary of putting myself into situations that depress, trigger or make me anxious. I suppose my former 'daring' nature is now to be seen as foolish.

I have three observations:

1. Emo pictures: in early 2007 when facebook was new and cool in the UK for university students, before the uncool people joined, or high school kids, your parents, lecturers, uncles, cousins and fake weirdo posers; i didn't have any sense of etiquette or protocol. I also noticed that (due to my lack of friends) I didn't have many pictures; I thought that pictures reflected self-image and reputation. So thus I thought few pictures = uncool. Now I feel that too many pictures = poser and few pictures are critically and decidedly added and tagged. So, what I noticed back then was that I made a whole gallery on my own, well three actually. One consisted of pictures accumulated over 3 years, the other was pictures of my room and stuff i thought was 'cool'. The third gallery consisted of self-taken pictures. I also made some of them into MSN profile pics.

One of my friends who I have since abandoned (regrettably I might add), said that those pictures were self-indulgent, evocative of an obvious construction of a self-image that I was trying to portray of myself (ie deep, emotional, sensitive, contemplative, loner etc...) and called me 'emo' (that word seems to sum up all of those things he said when he said it). I found it difficult to accept what he said and I thought that he didn't have a clue cos he had even less firends than me and was even less attractive than me. That said, I was being defensive. I think that he was right.

I spent much frustration and effort in trying to construct pictures that didn't make me look fat, so I showed only my face (from above), altered the colour or lighting so that it would make shadows hide my obesity; I wore heavy clothes and formless clothes and i tried doing poses where my formless and heavy clothes were hanging over so that it didn't show how fat I was.

I dont think I amounted to very much as a person. I didn't get my grade viii in piano, I wasn't very good at the piano, really; and I argued quite badly in my essays. Lets not forget my horrible grammar as well. After some reflection, I pretty much suck as a person back then, and I suck quite a bit now. I feel a sense of dissatisfaction if I do not eat something that is fattening and deliciously unhealthy. I feel it is like having sex without the orgasm. I used to think of eating vegetables in a similar way. I also want to avoid my flatmates and social contact with them, particularly the 'awkward questions' (why are you in a student house when you are an unemployed non-student who should have a job and shouldn't be living in a student house?

2. I am quite fat now: I blame myself and accept the blame. Now I must make a change about it. Also, I think that my daily weighing ritual has been misplaced; I have been using a 'magic spot' in my room that makes me appear lighter than I actually am. I tried the scales in a different environment and then another part of the room (probably where there isn't a slope in the carpet/wood floor) and what I had found is that I'm about 15lbs heavier than my readings had said. SHIT! I must be persistent in my pursuit of weight loss, otherwise the weight I lost during my bulimic phase will be for nought. It seems that everything from that period of my life amounted to nothing, and impacted on my current situation of being nothing.

3. I feel somewhat obsessive about my last.fm profile and 'scrobbles'. I have this high number of scrobbles (and its on my top 6) of this random band that I listened to a few months back. It is this fairly obscure but influential american indie band, and I hate the fact that it is counted as my 'top artist' because I listened to all their albums. Granted that I have only been using the service properly for nearly 6 months and it has not registered the fact that I have been quite the conosseur of music since 2007, I don't feel that last.fm at this current time is representative of my overall musical tastes. Well, that said, I do add the caveat that I listened to about 5.5 thousand songs in 2 months, I dont' feel that it reflects that I listen very much to the music that I actually like; rather, the music that I actually listen to! (I'm like that, I suppose).

I don't think I'll be posting for quite a while; I am going off to see my girlfriend to do my talk, and then I will be going home for a family event/jog session with mates/attempting to drive, then I'll be going back to prepare for the festival and then, the festival. I'll be properly back maybe from the 4th June. I guess this counts as a holiday in my miserable life. I think, however, that I never want to have a holiday in my life again once I have gotten a job...

Awareness

I am now aware, painfully so, of my situation. I say that in a way that is not the first time that I am aware; but now I see it as a 'phase' of my life in the same way that it is now a part of my present and distant past. It has nearly been a year. The worst year in my life, in fact. I often think to myself things like 'it was at this time last year that I ....' and this phase that began in September is now slowly turning into a year. Today I wrote a script for my talk on thursday, I made plans to drive when I go to see my parents, I have been insured on my girlfriend's car for a week for when we go camping, with the unusual pressure of me having to drive on the motorway on my own.

I also booked a ticket, sorted out a bill to pay, cleaned the carpet, took some pictures of things I want to sell on eba, prepped my room so that it is not only reorganised but better suited to prepare myself for when I get to move out. I feel that I want to get out of this place, this flat, this situation, this council tax bill, this landlord, and this room and phase of my life as soon as I can. I know it will be a few months but I can do things to proactively escape it.

Also: how am I going to raise £2.5k for the council tax? I'm screwed; the council said that the Landlord, not I am culpable for the bill, but I am laid the responsibility of paying it (viz my landlord).  If the council thinks that the landlord is culpable they won't say I'm liable for the council tax benefit or reduction, DESPITE THE FACT I HAVE TO PAY FOR IT ANYWAY. This is the situation I made for myself, because I assumed I would be good enough and able enough and was doing well enough in my essays to do a PhD at the university that I spent 4 years in.

During this period of my life a lot of assumptions have come into question and I have lost a lot of confidence in myslef, I have felt that a big part of me has been destroyed, but I try to focus not on that thought and morn but to continue and strive to make things work out. It's not been easy at all. I hope tomorrow will be a brighter day. I find that the summer sun in the morning cheers me up.

210lbs

i went on the weighing scales just now and I amd to discover that my weight is 210.8lbs? that's bizarre, because my weight yesterday afternoon was 200lbs...

Its possible to gain weight in a day? I'm surprised. I ate some things that I did not yet excrete yet, but that is far from my regular eating habits. What could have made me gain so much weight?#

I'm going for a jog later, definately.

in other news, I'm organising myself quite well at the moment

I'm out of bed and I don't want to be...

...but I know my self a bit better.

I feel a bit deressed today and I see that as a challenge to get a lot done today. Although it is raining outside, and has been for the past few days; I am determined to get on with things.

1. I got a rejection from my Channel 4 application, but they said they will 'hold on to my details' if a vacancy comes up. I don't expect to hear from them
2. My girlfriend failed her driving test, that means I have to drive on the motorway for real next week. This aint no dress rehersal, now.
3. I am going on a fairly big travelling binge in a couple of days. Tomorrow is my last 'free day' or whatever you may call it for a while. Thursday I'm off to do a talk; Friday I'm off to see my parents; Saturday I am hoping to do some training with friends back home; Sunday is a family gathering, Monday would be another 'free day' of sorts although I probably have lots to do. Next tuesday will then be the day I got back to my girlfriend's place before going to a festival on Thursday. I hope the weather picks up, or else I have to buy bloody wellington boots.

Today I'll try to keep myself busy, and that naturally means avoid procrastination; I have the laundry a-going downstairs and I hope a start at 11am will be a long day with much done.

Suddenly in those minutes sitting upright, I feel a bit better. Now for some water and caffiene pills...

some insights of today

1. I used to fantasise a lot back when I was depressed, of the person I thought of myself (as important but no one else could see), alot of these fantasies were superhero/caped crusader/dragonball z kind of immature violence. I realised today that it is harder to live in reality with its boringness and difficulties than the perception of an unreal fantasy

2. My friend, who is going out with a 17 year old (we are both 22) is quite immature but sometimes he gets under my skin. The girlfriend of his added me to facebook. I found that half of her pictures are either self-taken pics, or highly modified pics. She hides behind her makeup and dyed hair. She's a failed goth. I think I should react by not caring, and that, is my moral victory of today.

excercise routine

1. Running with boots (cos i left my trainers at parents house)
2. Pressups against the wall (200 reps)
3. Attempting to invent an ab excercise (200 reps)

the decision

Today I sent 2 job applications to things that I believe I have a chance at getting. I also feel a little bit of angst or anxiety (i'm not sure which) just about getting all these things done and in such a short period of time. It has been a long time since I have really busied myself and often I try to get by with just the minimum in life. This habit that I have recently learned is a very bad one and although it is not so good to overdo things, I do feel a bit of a fear about doing 'too much' in a day. This fear is based upon the associations with the past that I have had.

I had a 3 hour wank, one of those really long ones. I was then informed by a friend about Marie; apparently he went fact-hunting and he found out some things about her life when I knew her. Apparently she was already in a relationship; a polyamorous one. It fell apart when she left and in a sense, she was the victim of that 3-way relationship. i pity her, and in a way, I think that I have a bit of closure.

In the spirit of closure I came up out of bed after my wank, feeling suitably drained and unable to contenctrate. I am faced with a decision of today. I think that I shall do something slightly different today, and go to an ADC discussion meetng. I feel like going just because it is something different, and I have not actually gone to a social occaision beyond my school friends and my girlfriend for a very long time.

I hosted the first discussion group of the academic year and I am deciding whether to attend the last one as a guest. I have about 45 minutes to decide. My motivation is that since I am not feeling very motivated to do things right now, I could go outside and engage in social activity. I have a strong preference to have some takeaway tonight; particularly some fatty takeaway, such as a doner kebab.

I must be conscientious about spending. I sent off a form to confirm some details about my tax benefit claim; further; I am considering, since I am genuinely applying to jobs that if things are not currently working out then I could apply for income support for a little while until things work out.

Actually, right now I feel like I could go off to bed and sleep. I actually would quite like to sleep and wake up in the morning tomorrow, although I know that I need to wait a few more hours.

Plan B

I've gained weight a bit and am not sticking as religiously to my dietary pattern. My girlfriend and I are having a few conflicts but I think that we sorted them out over the weekend. Today I havebeen keeping myself busy since about 10am. I'm just putting down this post as a procrastination task but also in an effort to log things.

I think that over the past week I have learned a bit about myself. To stay on the good path is a constant challenge; particularly with the temptations of food and lazing about. I have a series of applications and things to keep busy this week. If I keep busy with things then my life will not be as pathetic. On the toher hand I do  feel slightly used to this way of living without a job.

Of the two applications that I had been awaiting over the past month; I was rejected from one and now just awaiting the other. I expect it to be a rejection so Now I am about to begin the 'plan B'

I think I'll go into a 'career' and do something like publishing, teaching, or media. Honestly, I want to get out of this situation, I'd be happy with earining money and supporting myself and my girlfriend; being able to pay bills; and having some actual money and a life to live. The PhD dream will have to go on the backburner, but that decision made itself when I wasn't working properly for the previous year.

I do not like the summer due to the immanent familiarity of the summer with my depression in 2005, my anxiety in 2006 and the incidents of the last year. I've gone through some dark times and events that I do not wish to repeat again. People make mistakes in their life and this is mine.

I'm going to busy myself and establish a certain system to how I conduct myself. Job applications, here I come!

In other news: My estranged cousin has given birth and I've been invited to the christening - I think I'll address this issue in another post

N e w s

I got another rejection. This time, part of me really knew it, so I was prepared, I think.

It's still a shock. It's also a confirmation of my own inner inadequacy and fear. UCL wasn't really a strong choice anyway; but it was of the last two. I dont have much hope for the other application. They mentioned that they had a huge volume of applications and many of which they were forced to turn down.

It's the obvious non-sequitur, although they mention that, it may not follow that I was one of those 'high quality candidates'.

Onwards and forwards, methinks.

self-despised

I'm angry. Angry at myself, angry at my life, angry at other people's situations. Angry that other people have gone so far in their lives and angry that I HAVE NOT GONE ANYWHERE.

I am angry that I have not really been angry in so very long. I am angry that I force this imposed attitude upon myself. I am angry that I have come to realise my own limitations and my own flaws at a time when I could have had a chance at getting a PhD.

I'm angry, and my decision is that I will let it pass over me. Let tomorrow come. Let the anger go.

I want resolution and I feel that every word that I write in this blog is forced, I feel that I am ineloquent and inarticulate because I have lost a sense of self or identity in writing. I feel that I am foring myself to write, forcing myself to express this. I want to write words that will say something like: I seek resolution.

I want to say something, I have that feeling in my throat. I wonder if it's a question, a statement, an expletive, or an onomatopoaea (sic). Why has my life ended up in this way? Why am I not 8 months through a PhD or MPhil degree already? Why am I in my parents house living on handouts without a job and not in university? Why am I not where I wanted to be?

Self-resentment, I think, will not help me. It is an emotional reaction that I feel strong in me, and that somthing that I feel inclination to express the most.

I saw a contemporary from my old MA cohort, with his own website; teaching, with a blog on all his courses, his research, and stating the fact that he has two prestigious professors and government funding attached to his project. I'm jealous, if I'm honest, but if I'm more honest. I'm angry at myself. I'm trying not to accept that I am hurt by this. Do I let these thoughts in my head right now pass and try to sleep?

friends

old enemies become friends when we have new enemies.

Today I celebrated a friend's birthday. I am drunk, the effect of which is my current headache and dehydration. I also smell of smoke (barbeque).

One of the topics we addressed was having a girlfriend, not so much that we have a girlfriend, but rather, girlfriend-isms and ideosyncracies. One that I realised in myself is how much a person I have changed from meeting her. I feel however, that our exchange brings darkness to her life.

She cheated on me on monday.

At least she did it, but I'm pissed off

Secrets

I have secrets. I keep networks of friencds whom which I tell some things, but not everything. I suppose if they all came together, then what would happen is that all the interlocking and overlapping pictures and facts of me would construct who I really am.

Here are some secrets:

1. I talked to marie with a fake msn account. She doesn't know that it is me. I think that I will continue to speak to her in this way. I don't know why I am doing this; I know that no good will come of it and it won't improve anything in my life I think that I am inviting disaster into my life.

2. I'm losing who I am, perhaps, I have already lost it. I am, at the core of my being, changing into a normal person.

3. I've been happier lately. I hate that word, I feel that life changes so much that claiming happiness is impossible. I think maybe, that after some time has passed, I can truly know when I was happy. To that end, I supose happiness is possible only as a reflective activity, not something to be genuinely experienced in the instant, a phenomenological thing.

Tomorrow I should prepare another application and get on with things in my to-do list. I should get up early and start my life.

I'm back home with my parents. My current peeve is that I have a collection of my most proud books, and my parents seem unwilling to acknowledge my intellectual passion. Yesterday was a nice day; travelling home; seeing my nephew, and spending time with my brother. My brother is a bit down lately due to his breakup. Acting weird is perhaps a sign of his affectation, but  I'll try to be silent and supportive. I think that is the kind of person that I am.

In other news, I haven't been attending to my online support group lately. It is almost like I abandoned or forgotten it. The facebook explosion is soon to reach an entropy. I have been too lax with my insomniac tendencies, it is as if I stayed up all winter until the summer sun had arisen.

I think my body looks a bit different from the weight loss, but only slightly. I'm two steps forward, one step back in terms of my progress. I feel a lot of indifference about getting things to change and also getting to do some writing, especially for this site. I must make a conscious effort to sleep instead of procrastinate.