Effort

Effort, that is the strength I am not so good at. But I am willing to change.

Today, well, just earlier, I had a knock. A knock of my confidence and self-esteem. Some things are hard to talk about, some things take up a lot of effort even to think about, when it is so easy just to forget it is ever present in my life, or that it ever happened.

Here's a list of today's downers:

1. I have been 'discharged' from the university society I could have been president for. If I were more organised and I got into a PhD by now, and if I were confident, I would be president. Instead; I'm not even a member of the committee anymore. It hurts.

2. Supervisor guy said that there is no guarantee I will be accepted. This is sort of a clue it seems, that I won't get in to the PhD.

I have got to stay positive.




Somehow.

I'm eating a doner kebab, and I finished a hot dog on the way home. I think I am going to read a novel tonight to keep my spirits up.

I'm special, but I have to prove it to myself. I have to push myself. I have to relearn how to be a good person, to erase my faults as a person and learn to be better.

It's hard, I feel cut down and small.

I feel the urge to just purge and hide away from the world.

I'll just have a night in and force myself to be busy.

There is a little echo in my thoughts: My life is over

I'm going to push myself. Easier said than done. Good night everyone