2024
Tucking. Lately I've been tucking. I've not 'lately' been doing it. I've been doing it since my balls dropped over 25 years ago. I never knew it was a gender thing until recently and now I do it's changed a lot of things for me. I guess that's kind of a big part of realising I'm nonbinary.
I should say for confirmation I still use he him pronouns and I'll refer to myself as a man. But ...I have to make space for something different inside me after this revelation. In recent weeks I've bought tucking tape and medical tape that I try to do the process myself. This week I tried the latter and the tape was really sticky and painful to remove.
What is tucking? for it me it means I need my balls in a lifted position (the one it was in before it dropped when I was 12-13 or so) because it feels more right to me. How can I explain that it feels right to me? Well after tucking I feel capable of doing 1300kcal+ workouts and still wanting to do more. I feel more myself than I ever have...in some ways. It does mean I'm dependent on wearing a pair of shorts all the time or else I don't feel that assurance or sense of self. I've become hooked on the increased abilities it gives me. It feels positive. I know some people will judge.
Achilles Schema goals achieved:
Get to 31.5% bodyfat (24/09/2023)
Get to 31.4% bodyfat (11/12/2023)
get t 31.3% bodoyfat (11/12/2023)
get to 31.2% bodoyfat (11/12/2023)
get to 31.1% bodyfat (11/12/2023)
Get to 31% bodyfat (24/09/2023)
get to 30.9% bodoyfat (11/12/2023)Get to 30.8% bodyfat (02/01/2024)
Get to 30.7% bodyfat (02/01/2024)
get to 30.6% bodyfat (02/01/2024)
... IT GOES ON
Weight,: 102kg (set 02/12/2022)
Body fat: 28%
get to 105.5kg (21/01/2024)
get to 98 kg
ABC Please: 09 March
A: Accumulate positive experiences: I met with J this week spontaneously
B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless - I started playing piano again
C: Cope ahead: This is an area I am working on constantly but I think I'm better this week than I was last week
P: Physical illness prevention: I've had really low energy and ...possibly 'mia' has come back
L : Low vulnerability to diseases: I've been running myself down a lot
E: Exercise regularly: now here's something weird: I'm working out less this week, but my bodyfat is the lowest it's ever been and I'm possibly the fittest I've ever been in other ways. I've reached a new level in my physicality (just hit under 100kg), and I think the way I do things now is a bit different now I'm sub 100. Different weight class now
A: Avoid mood altering drugs: I don't think I had a deliveroo this week...ahh am I gonna get one tonight??
S: Sleep healthy: some insomnia, shotness of sleep but...I think the sleep has been good in the sense that my weight loss and bodyfat have not led to flare ups in that regards
E: Eat healthy --- i dont think I'm reliable on this. I have lost a *lot* of weight lately. The last time I lost weight this quickly was the terrible and unsayable panic problesm of 2017 and the 2007-2008 year when I had an eating disorder
My hopes for the future:
ABC PLease : 03 March 2024
A: Accumulate positive experiences - I do 121s with colleagues to check in on their wellbeing, I went on a wholesome day out yesterday with Caro and it was just affirming and fun
B: Build mastery in activities that make you fee lconfident and not helpless: I am working on clearing my backlog
C: Cope ahead: I think I'm struggling with this but I'm doing my best on this. Perhaps an area of improvement
P: Physicla illness prevention: I have been unwell lately
L : Low vulnerability to diseases: I think I might be doing badly with this
E: Exercise regularly: I'm exercising enough but I don't think I did as much as last week
A: Avoid mood altering drugs: I had a single guiness this week
S: Sleep healthy : I am trying not to work into the night
E: Eat healthy : I've lost weight and bodyfat lately. i rhink that's a good sign, right?
I've *really* lost a lot of weight and bodyfat.
Let me summarise recent events as follows
1. I lost a lot of weight lately, will i keep it lost? don't know
2. I'm dealing with gender issues and ...going through some healing and going through asking for some help
3. I am opening up inside myself and some of that involves a softer me, a more vulenrable me and a more authentic and happier me. I didnt' know this was possible to some degree
4. I feel like with everything going on im right on the edge of things, of sanity, of health, of a brekadown, of a breakthrough.
I should update this blog more but ...busy and low energy. I spent last 5 hours working on stuff. Probably need to sleep soons.
