dear diary

it's Monday 29 March. Lockdown beginning to ease gradually. The rule of six re-implimented and we are about where we were maybe in December 1 2020? 

I definitely don't feel ready for society to come back. Today my energy level was extermely low. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm depressed. I wouldn't rule that out. I managed to get *an amount* of work done but then I suddenly fell into extreme fatigue and I was in bed for a while. In my clothes as well, which isn't as comfortable to sleep in.

I am not feeling right at the moment. I might list some things as positives. Today I listened to 8 hours of an audiobook. I actually think maybe that audiobook sucked it out of me, all my energy as the words and voice of stephen fry sapped a lot of my attention. I listened to it for almost half of the book. I have a target of hitting a book a day. Maybe 2 for good measure. I'm 20 books in on my annual reading target. Maybe I could hit 50 by the end of the year. I'm well into that target. 

Also today. I felt really fresh after having a shower. I hadn't showered for 2 days. I think part of it was that Sunday I was working through a lot of admin and things and my focus was really on getting stuff done. My energy levels are generally really low.

Anyway, one thing I do in the in between moments of finishing work and moving on to non-work in the evening is that I have a think. I think the following: what are my goals for the rest of today? My goals for the rest of today would be to go outside, get some waitrose supplies, cycle home, maybe listen to a podcast, watch the sun set? shower as I get home, continue my logging, maybe read a paper. Maybe get some non priority schema tasks done. I think that's more than enough really. If I could get just half of that I'd be golden. 

I know lots of my peers are making big achievements in their lives and I'm just happy going on a bike for 6 miles. My life is definitely different. I can't have their life. So maybe I won't try. 

I had a bit of a flashback lately. There's a woman from my old school, I used to chat to her on msn and we really got on. but i got 'weird' and couldn't deal with it emotionally. Anyway she's with a nice man who has a phd, she also has a phd and I think they both work in some advocacy think tanks that have policy implications but don't impact on the big picture of politics. 

Anyway. 

I wonder if I can make something of my day. 

Also I'm really badly eating too much junk food. Need to stop that. 

 dear diary

it's 3:29am.

this doesn't bode well for that insomnia I have been trying my best to fight. 

Tonight I've been working on clearing tasks. I have also been resting a bit. Relaxing by playing a nice RPG. I've been putting off a couple of tasks lately. One was to service my bike. That is done and dusted. I even smoke a cigar during the time I worked on the bike. I think I even hit a quicker speed to get it all done. I have a new apron and it felt really good just wearing it and working. I also had some latex gloves too. I was brushing a bit of hard to remove gunk from the gearset, but I got a fair amount of it off of my bike. I even got the chain looking really clean. I've hit 1450 miles in the lifetime of my bike. That is overall 1450 miles in a year. I think I hit the last 390 since January. So that's like what? 120mi a month? 

Another egg swallowing task I've been putting off lately. I have been thinking about getting a new pair of trousers. As the weather is taking a turn to a bit of warmer weather, I've stopped wearing those utilitarian fleece trousers which look really not cool, but utterly practical.

I have a pair of trousers that I think I've been wearing for a month (about 2 hours a day) without washing it and I really need to wash it now. It's from the brand 5.11 and I have been spending ages working out what the brand name was. It's called 5.11 apex and its really really good. I was about to buy another pair of those in a different colour but I ended up buying a pair with fewer hidden pockets and more casual/workplace friendly looking. I'm thinking of getting some cycling trousers that also work for going into the office without having to change into something else, and maybe that looks acceptable for going out. Polyester is my friend sometimes. I'm not a fan of 'non-natural' fabrics but when it comes to fitness/activewear I can't not have those synthetics. 

Anyway it's 3:27 now. I better close up shop. 

Did I do enough today? that's something always on my mind. I hit two tasks I've been avoiding and nipped it in the bud. I just didn't get the other shit done, like reading the paper. Or newspapers going back to this tuesday. Ugh. That's for tomorrow....

 Observation:

I've set a to do list/bucket list of things I'll do after covid. Covid is far from over but an end is in sight. 

An indication of this: I'm able to tick off two of my things from the list. Is this the beginning of the end? 

 My hopes for the future

For my anxiety to ease off

no night terrors (or not so many)

lose weight

gyms opening

seeing friends

still having time away from people despite the lockdown easing

 3 things I'm positive about today

• I'm so ahead on my work that I just did about 3 hours work today. I spent the rest of the day watching justice league and being quite slow today
• I discovered a new fish and chips shop. It wasn't great, and it isn't a place I'd go again. But the shop had a really attractive neon light sign and I keep thinking how attractive it is so I kept thinking about going. Well I finally went. It was also on a road I'm not comfortable going into
• Justice League Snyder cut. Nerd people get so sensitive about things that don't go their way, how impressive it is when the Justice League film, rumoured to exist for years, finally and ultimately paid off. It was long, it was a lot of work to watch, but it was worth it. 

Things I am positive about in the future:

• My ability to cycle more
• When gyms open
• The easing and eventual end of this pandemic.

 my weekly ABC PLEASE

A- Accumulate positive experiences. Is that possible to do at home? I'm doing lots of housework

B - Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless. I think if I were able to wake up properly feeling motivated, anything would be possible in the world

C - cope ahead. I'm working on it. I think I'm weak at this right now

P- Physical illness prevention. I think I need to do better. If i cycled harder, got out at a regular time in the morning, and ate better, I'd be in a better state with physical health

L-  Low vulnerability to disease. Keep physically active

E - Exercise regularly. I spent about 5 hours cycling this week

A - Avoid mood altering drugs. I'm just on the lemonades lately

S - Sleep healthy. After I do my admin I'll sleep

E - Eat healthy (see above)

 This week in previous years:

2012

An article I wrote ended up on a feminist blog.

2016

I saw the film London has Fallen. Bourbon and bad decisions -- jesus is that 5 years already?

2019

Danny Boy's 33rd birthday. We saw Captain Marvel and had some Rodizio. Danny Boy was teetotal (I recall), but it went downhill son after that (or am I misrememering?)

2020

(Tuesday?) I began using Habitica. Also today at work, a colleague was sent home after showing symptoms. Thigns guy very serious. I received my Filson vest. The victory of that vest doesn't feel as tangible since I haven't worn it as much.

(Thursday) Emergency covid briefings at work, in my diary I have written 'things will not be the same after this'. It really bloody changed.

(Friday) We saw the film Bloodshot, having a suspicion that this may be the last film we will see in a long time. I think it was a very good decision that the boys got together to watch this film

Dear Diary,

I have set a task for myself to write about the Everard incident. A couple of weeks ago, a woman aged 33 was reported missing. Her last known location was a place where I cycle very often. Not only a location but at the time I'm usually on my brompton. I am shocked about what happened, but I think the whole country is. I'm reading about the experiences of women and their perception of fear being outside. It makes me reflect on the priviledge of being outside at night before sunrise and after sunset. I can't believe something like this could happen in Clapham. It's shocking.

I have been moved over the past few days. I think the country is in shock. It's a wake up call for the awfulness of male violence and the way men are socialised with presumptions that don't go challenged

 its 3am and I'm dangerously getting close to my insomnia patterns of from before 2021. I realise that I've had really good sleep hygiene lately. When I say lately, I mean since the start of the year. The past two days jeopardise that.

I'm unwell at the moment, my panic episodes have messed up my agoraphobia, and my mind isn't quite there. I'm slowly working back to it. It's 3:01 now. Over the past hour I have been working on some budgeting, I've set about £3000 to be automated into my savings account for budgeting. In addition I am also working on some future planning. 

This week, the union met and the position they will take is to ask for 5.5% pay rise. Considering last year we didn't get a pay rise, 5.5 is really what is owed to us. The company said it was in a bad way last year but in real terms, one of the subsidaries of the company actually made money, even though the sentinel paper itself didn't make as much money (made a loss).

This week we saw the news coverage about Sarah Everard. I cycled down Clapham last week on saturday to get some magazines from WH Smiths. I saw some forensics people right by the pond. It was scary but I didn't think much of it. Then I saw the news coverage about a missing person. Then a couple of days ago I saw a forensics van at night outside a block of flats. Then I saw the news...that poor girl. It upsets me to think that I cycle down those roads often and she came to harm. It also makes me think that I am around on the bike late at night exactly around the kinds of times she was out. 

I'm reading about how many women are affected by fears of their safety. It is very...enlightening how one gender views the world in such a different way to another. I can go out on my bike at 4am and I'd probably be the safest person out there. A woman or perhaps a smaller person than me might be harassed or bothered etc. I think there's a distinct sense of male priviledge in that. 

I've been upfront about my agoraphobia at work and I've asked for some time off. In recent days I have been working on some admin, but it turns out that 'catching up' actually entails a lot of work that has been quite tiring. Having said that. Not having to do the day job has really helped me catch up on my admin. If that's what I need to do on my time off, maybe thats what works for me. 

Plan for the day off (maximise)

 I have set up decision strategies to deal with tasks. Maximise, Maximin, Satisfice, Minimise.

I have an MA in philosophy. I don't need to define these terms, since I'm the only one who reads these notes.

On my day off I am setting up a plan for 'maximise'. If I can get all of these done it will be the perfect day. Perhaps even life changing. The plan is thus:

1. D&I meeting at work
2. Meeting for pride/lgbt at work
3. warmdown
4. clear google keep non priority schema (8am)
5. clear google keep non priority schema (1pm)
6. clear google keep non priority schema (8pm)
7. Sort out isa savings allowance (deadline: end of month)
8. Plan some additional savings. I have some specific recommendations
9. Finish Stephen Fry book on the trojan war. It's less interesting than I realised. I'm half way
10. Buy tactical trousers (identical to the ones I alreay own - they are good)
11. Buy a Barbour jacket. The waxed one. Use the £50 voucher from john lewis that I got from work
12. complete census
13. Look into the local chemist. Mum tells me that they have spare vaccines for covid and people aren't taking them from the JCVI so they are opening up for candidates to take it
14. Change your bedsheets
15. Log activities from Tuesday 9 (not managed to do that)
16. Logging: steps
17. Logging: KCal
18. Logging: weight
19. Logging: savings
20. Logging: P2Ps 
21. Read: Tuesday 9 Telegraph + Supps
22. Read: Tuesday 9 Evening Standard
23. Read: Monday 8 Evening Standard
24. Read 100 digital magazines outstanding
25. Charge bike lights (front)
26. Charge bike lights (rear)
27. Charge watch
28. (also: Bike ride)
29. Get Flowers for Mother's day
30. (Waitrose)
31. Read magazines in magazine pile

I feel like it's possible to get all of these things done in a day. It won't feel like a day off. Which will probably help me focus.

 I'm trying to focus myself on specific goals every day. Today I am focussing on some March financial stuff at work. I'm watching a bit of TV. There was a beautiful episode of American Gods on LGBTQ+, it felt so right for me. 

Let's do my ABC Please for this week

A - Accumulate positive experiences : Wake up early, keep clean, cycle, pro social relationships

B - Build mastery - I got some new targets and hit some achievements on strava

C - Cope ahead - I'm not doing so well at this. I am not able to think about the future very well

P - Physical illness prevention. Perhaps if I didn't eat so much junk food. I am trying to eat more yoghurt.

L - Low vulnerability to diseases. Keep active. I need to eat more veggies. Maybe I'll get some Yoghurt soon

E - Exercise regularly. Cycling, part of my daily routine

A - Avoid mood altering drugs. Does takeaway count? In addition I had a beer yesterday. An alcoholic one

S - Sleep healthy. I am far from having my old insomnia problems, but I have been successful at waking up and sleeping at broadly regular times

E - Eat healthy - I've got to work more on this. Did I mention the Yoghurt? 

 This week I've been unwell. Actually I've been unwell for nearly 3 weeks now. 

I managed to get my bike repaired and it feels just like new. I love the new bike and I'm supremely happy about it. The weather is a bit chilly. Lots of people are outside. Today I am going to focus on getting all of my chores done. I realise that there's quite a bit to do.