Acceptance (not an actual acceptance, just a propadeutic...)

I guess Marie is a good friend, and not, unfortunately, anything more for the time being.

I guess I have to accept that. She's a wonderful person, and I should be happy that she's my friend

(But I feel so alone)

I hate being alone; and this overbearing conclusion that I am leading towards. I can't have anyone but her. I cannot be with anyone but her. I guess I have to accept that I will be on my own. It wouldn't feel right to be intimate with anyone else, to be close to another. It would feel wrong, empty, soulless, physical.

My heart is heavy; I guess I did well with all the help I have for her, and being there to listen to her.

I have to attend to my own life...fucking essays! (I just wish there were more...)

I have to accept I will be on my own....

My faults as a person

My faults as a person:

1. I am jealous. I find it difficult to accept that other guys flirt with Marie; and that there is so much more to her life. I have to accept she has her own life and that I should not, and cannot make any claim to her life, or how she spends her time, or with whom.
2. I am lazy; I don't read enough, I always leave things to the last minute
3. I am angry; I find it difficult to control my feelings sometimes
4. I am sexually perverse. I thought about getting closer to this one girl who I met since the start of last term; she and I get along quite well, and she makes occaisional 'aww' gestures to things I say. I think sometimes that she is a lovely person, and she and I are alike in little ways; like being a bit geeky, shy, and bookish. I thought about sitting closer to her or moving physically closer to her when talking and listening to her. I thought that she was a nice girl and that I'd like to be close to someone who is open and similar to me
5. I am hurtful; I turned down Antonia
6. I am a coward; I have my own issues of intimacy and fear of closeness, irrespective of whether or not Marie does get close to me
7. Marie once said to me that I am not helping her by complaining about myself. That means I can't tell her about the feelings I have when I feel low, or down, or lonely. I'm on my own...
8. Marie comes to me to talk, expressing her fears and her sadness. I listen, and tend to her. I am too scared to do the same; I am too frightened to tell her about my lonliness, she does ask, but I can't do it without initiative. I have less doubts that she will be close to me in the way that I yearned for. She spoke of wanting to love, or wanting to trust someone; that it is much better to have someone know how she feels, than being alone. I wonder if the person she spoke to me about is me; if, as she described, the person she wanted to be closer to was me; or is it some other guy? Probably the latter. I'm not the hero of the story of life, I never get the girl; what do I get? Just more antidepressants and a bad grade in an essay.

I want to die.

Closer?

Sometimes I get closer to Marie; things happen which I've never experienced. She was feeling very bad recently, and I listen to her, I don't know the answers to her problems, but she says that just listening to her, and understanding is of great appreciation to her.

Marie is having a difficult time; but, she tells me from time to time that she is there for me if I need her.

We talked for a long time today through IM. I told her about my difficulties, I had a very difficult day. We shared the lack of hope, we shared the pessimism; and she said such wonderful things about me; about my work to help others with depression, my academic record.

What a pendulum my life is; from the feelings of hopelessness about Marie, to the prospects of hope with her. I shouldn't ride on this unstable rollercoaster; but I do want her to be okay, I need her to be okay.

I've never experienced this before, to call not only the attention of a perfect girl, but to help her in a very special way. She's taken me to a very special place inside myself; but most of all is important is my calm.

I'm so confused. I told Marie about my date with Antonia. Marie said that I deserve to have emotional stability in my life, and that I turned down Marie for the reason of fear.

Sarah, who commented on my last post. You are right. I did choose to be alone when I turned down Antonia. but to hold her, I felt odd, I couldn't kiss her, my lips were not prepared to touch hers. It didn't feel right, I couldn't feel as open, as intimate, as myself as when I am with Marie.

That is something that tortures my mind; to say no to Antonia, a sensual, sensitive, smart, entreupreneurial, and sexy woman. Antonia is many men's sexual fantasy, let me assure. Antonia was once an emotional fantasy I had a year ago; of that tenderness with sexual contact.

I am a bastard, I have an offer of one girl's heart, and turn her down, I long for the prospect of being close to Marie. Marie is like a twin that I never knew existed...

It all changes in a flash

I was almost feeling quite good today. I know that the reason I was going to feel good was superficial. What was it? The editor of the student paper said I could get a piece published. I sent it to her...nothing.

I was so excited that I ran out of the library with all my valuables on my studyspace. I ran all around the university to find a paper, to no success. I was so excited that my poor health and small lungs didn't mind feeling this pain that I was putting myself through to run. I didn't find a paper, but I went back to the library, I was overjoyed as I found a stash of papers of the new issue just in the library coming in. I took one, ran upstairs to my study space. I looked hurredly to see my piece, I started looking in order through the articles, to try and enlarge my excitement and anticipation. Fuck that! I thought, So I rushed to the music section ,where my piece was supposed to be.

It wasn't there.

Suddenly all those feelings of inadequacy came.

Suddenly I remember how I can't have Marie

Suddenly I remember how unattractive I am

Suddenly I come to terms with that fact, you know, that fact that always haunts me. I'll always be alone. I have no one to hold me, to cuddle me.

I am a failure

My piece wasn't good enough for the paper. I'm not good enough for Marie...

I feel desperately low again...I don't want to be around anymore

Returning to the psychiatrist

Okay; so what happened today?

1. I called the psychiatrist after a year's hiatus, in an attempt to 'trust' them again
2. I was put on hold by the secretary; but I actually wasn't put on hold, and I overheard the conversation of the receptionist, saying that "[I am] a difficult case"; or "[I have] baggage". - I felt upset, but I contained myself quite well compared to how I normally feel when I am met with that kind of incompetence. I just put hte phone down on them...
3. Some manager called me later on, I told her what the receptionist did; she apologised, It was too late. I tried to put on the "hey, i'm reasonable, you are doing a good job and it is not what you did that hurt me..." routine. It was obviously fake, but in some way, my attempt to be polite was good enough as polite, given my absolute, murderous hatred for them. In short; I have handled myself a little bit.
4. WHen the manager called; she put me on an appointment with another doctor...the notes should say htat I did not want to see anyone involved with my incarceration (namely, two doctors POST-incarceration); but she mentioned another doctor...who was the one who sectioned me. I'll get my revenge now...(or will I stay in control of my feelings?)

Marie (Redux); and recent events

A couple of days ago; Marie started talking to me again. Again, I realise that it was my overreaction and misinterpretation of her behaviour that construed in my thinking that she was angry at me; although she probably was angry at me; she had good reason; you see, she was having a difficult time with family during her Christmas period.

Something has happened as regards something she told me that brings back very bad memories; in fact, perhaps one of the common difficulties of these days consists in the fact that I get a loto f bad memories; the feeling of rejcetion, different, isolation, and disgust from others. The feeling of just being a bureaucratic object, a piece of paperwork that needs to be signed and sent off, before the manager looks at it and posted before 5pm...I hate this work environment hwere people are merely insturmental commodities...so does Marie...

Marie told me that one of the things that makes her feel lonely, and dirty inside, is how she gets a lot of male attention, because she is very attractive. I see how the guys are all sleazy, and overtly sexual around her; it makes me anxious, always overt sexual behaviour has made me anxious...

Marie...she's having a difficult time; but I think she is comforted by the fact that she has someone to talk to (I assume she meant me when she said that...perhaps someone else...maybe...); It's important that she has someone she can talk to; someone she can trust. The question is, if she was referring to me; can she trust me?

I don't think she can; I'm just as bad as the other guys. Part of me desires her, I desier her to hold me, to get closer to her and know the nuances of what makes her, her. I want to know her, as the more I learn about her, the more my curiosity and amor is evoked; the more I learn about her, the more I feel a sense of exhilaration and vindication of my own eccentricities; it is as if I have found a female version of myself; we both don't belong...perhaps we could not belong...together?

This is bad thinking, I told myself. It is more important that Marie gets better, and her wellbeing is far more important than mine. I must put aside, nay, disregard my own desires about her and myself, entirely if I am to be of any trustworthiness to her. I don't think she will want to be with me either. I record all the compliments she has of me in my mind; she says such nice things about me; recently, a lot of people have been complimenting me, mainly people who I don't really know sso well, or for very long; and two of my bestest friends are not talking to me anymore...

A lot is changing, inside myself, for Marie, and my relationships with others. I want Marie to be okay; and that should be my most prominent wish; my wellbeing is insignificant to hers. She is perfect, beautiful, sensitive, and she has this childhood sense of wonder that I fear is dying away; the sense of hope and awe for the world that is crushed when we become adults...just like how I was crushed.

If i make the provisional assumption she is in some way, in any way like me; I would want to do anything to make it different for her than what happened to me; even if there are no similarities between us atall, and I am mistaken; I want her to get better, I want her to be happy...but I have a very perverse and dark desire...

Part of me desires her to stay this way, so that she may get closer to me and I could get closer to her. THIS IS WRONG!!! Yet my animistic desires think of it as comforting...to me. What a perverse animal I am to even feel this; we all have fantasies, or desires, wishes, or even thoughts that are violent, sexual, weak, or cowardly, but often we disregard them. I am shocked to the core that I admit to myself that I would like to have her closer to me at the cose of her not improving. I think the more noble thing is to be her friend, first and foremost. And I should actively deny my desires for her. I'll try to purge them out of me...I want her to be okay. I have to accept that I can't have her, and that I will have to see her being happy with someone else one day; someone far superior to me, someone that makes me look like nothing...and feel like nothing...all over again.

Its hard having the bad memories and trying to help her at the same time. On the plus side, she is a bit willing for me ot help her; especially in some practical ways I suggested. I'm now devision some plans to help her organise her day...

I hope I am brave enough to sacrifice my desire for her wellbeing. This challenge is between my desire for her wellbeing, and my own selfish desire to have someone...although not always incomaptible, I need her foremost to be okay...

Eroded wisdom

Today, I discovered the wisdom tooth in the back of my mouth is eroding due to bulimic tendencies to purge after eating…my wisdom (tooth) is slowly eroding away…there is something poetic about that, makes you laugh.

Current weight: 197.8lbs
Ideal weight: 140lbs
First weighing since purging: 241lbs

Some positives

Let me try and be positive; despite my negative feelings of the last post (which I still feel)

1. I had a radio interview
2. The support group I run does help a few people
3. I may have a publication in my university student paper; it is a short piece on a song about Marie
4. There are at least 2 girls who want to have a relationship with me; who think I am smart and handsome (by their admission)...they are sweet, sweet people. But it just doesn't feel right to pursue anything with them
5. I've lost weight
6. I have a chance to get a PhD if i keep working hard

I will lose all of those positives if I let these feelings about Marie to take over...on the other hand; however, I feel I will lose everything in myself if I am to continue. I feel like the components of me are calling apart.

My current thoughts and feelings

1. I have so much academic work to do
2. I have so little time
3. I have laptop problems
4. I am tired
5. I miss Marie
6. I angered Marie
7. I don't know what I did to Marie to change everything
8. I am haunted by the sweet memories of Marie
9. I have such strong feelings for Marie
10. I am starting to realise that I cannot have Marie
11. Antonia is backing off as she realises a relationship isn't possible
12. Another girl has expressed her love for me (I mentioned this in a previous post); lets call her Carrie
13. I don't feel that I was good enough for Marie; I feel rejected. The feeling that for a moment; I had hope, I had a future, that I could have that tenderness. I lost that hope through my own stupidity

I wish I didn't wake up...Marie is perfect; she is everything I didn't even know I wanted until I met her. A replica of me...

This emptiness I feel; I feel dead already.

Shame

I was in the wrong. My flatmate came out of his room to tell me I was making too much noise. The time is 6:30 am. I had a shower at 6 am. I guess I was making too much noise; no denying that. It was inappropriate of me, it was rude of me.

I'm feeling a lot of shame.

What can I learn from this?

1. I don't want to feel shame again
2. I want the shame to end
3. I feel bad for being a nuisance
4. I feel bad for ruining a good relationship with my flatmates
5. I feel bad about making a start of a possible bad relation with my flatmate
6. I feel bad because I feel shame
7. I feel bad now that my positive feelings before have suddenly changed
8. I feel tired, I want to lie in bed and do nothing (I was preparing to do some reading...not anymore

Memories

Let me give you some scenes from the past:

Setting (Janurary-March 2007; final year of undergraduate degree)

My personal tutor, from the social sciences during my undergraduate degree, told me of his own personal difficulties; living with a serious physical impairment, the obligations of being a father, and husband, running a charity; teaching; publishing/research. Sometimes his family blames themselves for not being able to support him to be an academic...he was a good man. I was very sick. He always made me feel welcome, he always wanted to make me smile, he was a good old working class boy, hard working, full of integrity, dignity, and virtue. He sympathised with me...but I never had the chance to prove myself to him...never had the chance to show him what ferocity my mind had within it, because it was dulled by depression.

"If I didn't have these commitments; I would be able to plunge into my work and probably do a lot of good research and publications. But I wouldn't be much of a man without my family, my with, and my friends that I love" He said. I replied, feeling very tired, low, weak. "I wonder how much a better person I could have been if I weren't ill...", my voice, faint, weak, trembling. "[Conatus], he said, don't think that way, this is the only reality we have; we could always imagine what things could have been like if disasters didn't happen, if I didn't get injured, or if I got my PhD earlier. But the fact is, we are in this situation now and we have to face what is real, not what could have been."