My hopes for the future: 

I hope to be where I felt I was from August 16th before 9pm. With a bike, with all my bike stuff and feeling safe and in a routine. After my bike was gone and my 1804' machine gone I can't get back into a routine. 

ABC PLease 25/08/2023

A: Accumulate positive experiences - I have been working to get back to normal

B: Build mastery in activities: In the absence of my routine around the bike, I have worked on creating a new routine

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on this, I'm eswpec ially trying to work on this including the fact I'll get a new bike soon 

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I haven't been to the gym in a week or 10 days

E: Eexercise regularly: I've had more steps lately as a result of what;'s happened but not cycling or gym exercise. 

A: Avoid mood altering drugs, you know I have only had uber eats on Sunday and not since then, surprisingly I thought I'd have it more

S: Sleep healthy: I think I've been sleeping better lately

E: Eat healthy : I'm trying to keep under 105.2. I hit 105.2 earlier this week but then I went as low as 103.9. I'm at 31.2% but earlier in the week I was as low as 30.6%. If I could get to 30.6% and hold it more consistently and if I could hold under 103kg for longer that would be golden, I'm just dancing too much on the precipice. 

 three things you are positive about today

1. A difficult week, right now I'm working on sitting up and trying to be resilient and keeping planning
2. My bodyfat has gone down to where my weight has gone up
3. I really kept my resilience up after my bike got stolen. I had a phone call with the police following the report of the theft and I've given insurance information about how i'm proof of owner for the stuff that was stolen

 ABC Please 18 August

A _ Accumulate positive experiences : I went to a leaving do

B: Build mastery in activities: I did some cycling...then my bike got stolen (the rest of this is about my bike being stolen)

C: Cope ahead: Actually I think I'm doing good at this, I've had some stressful stiautations this week and I'm planning for the comedown

PL Physical illness prevention: I havenn't overeaten...yet

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I'm under a lot of stress

E: Exercise regularly: without a bike I feel less motivated to go outside. I'm not sure how things will be for a while

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: I didn't drink this week, did that help?

S: Sleep healthy: I think I'm doing okay with this but the stress/panic/anxiety is making me wake up super early

E: Eat healthy: I've lost weight this week, if I can just keep it lost and get to 103.5 by Sunday, maybe hold it for as long as possible. I'll be at November level weights. 

 Hopes for the future:

• Get laid more
• Get the mortgage and flat approved. Im mentalising that £289k flat near where I am now
• Lose weight
• be more organised
• feel better mentally
• have better relationships
• be more positive and less toxic

 Sunday 13 August: ABC PLease

A: Accumulate positive experiences - my mind feels like a blank this week on this. I started shadowboxing again. I think its getting exactly to the point last year where I started my rehab and I feel more motivation at the moment than I did in July when I had my panic episodes 

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident: I hit 60 miles on the bike. My weekly goal is 30mi

C: Cope ahead: I'm getting better at this, I spent a lot of the past 3 days writing in chores and such up to week 1 of september

P: Physical illness prevention: so long as I dont hit the gym too hard

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I've been quite depressed lately I need to be honest

E: Exercise regularly : pass, this is all I'm talking about

A: Avoid mood altering drugs, my main takeaway has been burger king, every time I have BK its because I cycled there. 

S: Sleep healthy: I think I'm good on this

E: Eat healthy: I think this has been better. It could be better. I've done a lot of comfort eating lately.

 abc please : 

A : Accumulate positive experiences: I socialised multiple times this week. 

B: Build mastery in activities: although I didn't do loads compared to past weeks I did do a few days where I hit 120mins of cardio

C: Cope ahead: I'm getting better at this

P: Physical illness prevention: I had a wonky ankle after doing 120 mins of cardio

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: my bodyfat isn't going down, but it isn't majorly going up either

E: Exercise regularly: I've hit the minimums

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: you know I don't think I've had any takeaway this week, no that's not true I had burger king

S; sleep healthy: i've been okay with this

E: Eat healthy: Yaweh permitting I wouldn't have eaten 3000kcal surplus like i did last sunday

sunday 6 august 2023

 Achilles goals achieved:

61k by July 26 2023 (26/03/2023 goal revised)

61k by August 25 2023 (26/02/2023 goals - lowball estimates)

62k by August 26 2023 (26/03/2023 goal revised)

62k by September 25 2023 (26/02/2023 goals - lowball estimates)

63k by September 26 2023 (26/03/2023 goal revised)

(moderate goal: 60k by 2023 end?)

 I have difficulties with memories increasingly. I find certain periods of my life difficult but I have found a consistency in which I am able to classify the eras. I am trying to remember secondary school, sixth form, uni days and the days after uni up to present day. I find that listening to songs help me to classify the years and give me memories. I dont think I'm able to remember memories in the way other people do. I find I'll find something and all the memories come back, like a totem, well not like a totem, a totem itself. 

So every few days I have rolling reminders on google keep about memories and songs and odd songs come up to give me ideas to add more memories on the list of different years and eras, it will be my intention to use this blog to write about some songs. I may write about some songs and memories repeatedly. I feel like so much has happened this week and these past few months wherin I haven't been able to stop and talk about it.

I also feel like it's difficult to have someone I can be close to and confide in where my emotions get in the way in some way. This week I reconnected with a former colleague from a few years ago and we met in a pub, things got ...very close after that from when we were chatting. we have all very suddenly felt a sense of attraction to each other. They are in another country and I don't think it will lead to any kind of conventional relationship. They are queer/poly type and I guess I am too and we are just going to be very close and special friends. One other close and special friend from a year ago is meeting other special friends and I'm dealing with my sense of jealousy about that. It's not anyone's issue but mine when it comes to jealousy but I mustn't let it affect how I act in other ways. 

In addition to that the jealousy reminds me of how empty my life is. I'll just try to finish my non priority schema tonight and work on some planning maybe. I am a bit ahead this week I think. I'm planning to meet J tomorrow for an hour before they go on the Eurostar. 

 63.8k savings 

Goals achieved: 

60k by end of August (i'm 61k in July 10, so achieved)

61k by end of August (lowball, goal set 10/07/2023)

62k by end of August (ambitious, goal set 10/07/2023 )

61k by end of September (lowball)

62k by end of september (goal set 10/07/2023)

63k by end of september (ambitious 10/07/2023)

ambitious goal: 65k by June 2023? (not achieved)