My hopes for the future:

• Lower than 30% bf
• no need to update the encyclopedie
• no more culture wars
• i have time for relationships and personal life
• no more distress and pain
• full recovery from illness
• 80k in savings

 Aeneas Schema: 

I'm about to tally my assets 

Aeneas Schema: I'm reading a chapter of Gibbon now.

So those are two of those targets I'll work on today.

 ABC PLEASE: 

A: Accumulate positive experiences : I've been v active at the gym lately and really pushing personal boundaries inside myself

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident: I am showing leadership

C: Cope ahead: I'm very weak at this, a lot has been happening over the past few days which has meant more of my effort catching up what's happening and less planning

P: Physical illness prevention: I have not kept to a routine where I go to gym after work, even if I'm tired on the train home

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I'm trying to lower my weight. I haven't 'gained' any weight but lowered? well if I hit 111.9 I'd say I've lost weight but I'm 112.2

E: Exercise regulaarly : check , don't need to say more on this

A: Avoid mood altering drugs, yeah I guess I've done this well. I've had a few sanpellegrinos though

S: Sleep healthy: I've done this well

E: Eat healthy: I've done this better htan recent weeks so there's that, not perfect but ...yeah I've improved this week.

 ABC Please

A: Accumulate positive experience : I went to agig on saturday, AA Williams

B: Buil masteries in activities: More gym

C: Cope ahead: I need to work on this more but I'm trying

P : Physical illness, trying to be outdoors more

L : Low vulnerability to diseases, caoloric deficit

E: Exercise regularly: Check! 

A: avoid mood altering drugs: My drug of today are zero sugar drinks, and kitkats as of 20 mins ago

S: Sleep healthy, I should sleep soon but I've been good at this lately

E: Eat healthy - could work better

 for sunday: 

3 things I'm positive about

• I got up and focussed on the goals I'd have avoided for later, in so doing I ended up getting them done almost exactly in the time I really needed to do it, were I not to do this I'd have protrastinated and thought about the best strategy and not have done it. Let's talk about what those two tasks are
• I did the gym today, at the gym I did the following: rehab workout, treadmill and some weights, I did 90kg deadlift today. My last max in the past few weeks was 80. I really had to dig deep inside my mind to find the space to lift heavier than 80kg. I've not properly done deadlifts in this way since before covid, I really feel like I'm back in the gym lately and really doing the effort. It takes time but I feel if I keep it going it's the start of change. 
• I came to the gym (I'm writing this all backwards) from Waitrose. I decided early on over Sunday that I needed to go to Waitrose really soon. You see, monday is the Queen's funeral and lots of things are closed. Waitrose will be closed notably. It was very busy on Sunday, busier than I've seen it before. I did waitrose before I did gym, which is unusual for me. When I finished shopping I found my broken pokemon go-cha on the floor of the bike parking, that was strange, that aside, i also cycled to the gym with my shopping in the bag and went into the gym. I'm starting to use the gym lockers now, before we used to have to put it on the floor of the carpet in the gym itself, this was a covid era thing and now we are pretending covid is over we move away from that. 

so that's it, my three achievements. I'm trying to work on my self discipine , work on my work life balance and work on my weight, my bodyfat and rehab, I'm trying to work on specific targets and I'm trying to get organised. I've set a lot of work for myself and I don't get it all done. I did however get the above done. 

 dear diary,

my bodyfat has gone down 1.8% in a month. weight down but that goes up and down. BF is harder to shift and its not been this low in weeks.

I've had a new routine lately. Trying tto do my rehab almost daily. For the past few days I went into the office, I have tried to do gym, cycling, steps and rehab after i get home from work, which means i need to not be too late when i get home. 

I'm working towards a better routine. To say 2% bf loss is an achievement in a month is...encouraging. I just need to remember to breathe and one foot in front of the other. 

I'm off to see AA Williams tonight. soon in fact

 It's 2022, it's 4:28 am, I'm working on my encyclopedia, I'm clearing some tasks. I didn't get to do it all today (referring to Tuesday), it's now wednesday and I should need to get into the office soon. One of my flash cards was 'rumination', I cleared the item on it because it's a green day song and that really wasn't in the foreground of my life in 2003. It was in the background but I wasn't one of those Green Day people as my friends were. I thought though I'd see what is on 'related videos' as 2003 memories are always something I return to. 

Ended up returning to 2005. I found a 20 year anniversary performance of Norah JOnes' songs, performed by Norah JOnes band and herself. It's ''come away with me' songs. 

I'm taken back to the 2000s right now.

It's 2005, I walk home (or the flat in halls) from the downs, my back is always sweaty and I feel the drips uncomfortable, my shoes are muddied and the hems of the trousers frayed. I wear baggy trousers as was the style, but find that the back of the baggy trouser gets worn out and makes the front flare out but the back is a muddied battered mess of thread.  For some reason the 36 year old me needs to stay in this memory. It is 2022 and I'm sturggling. HR has asked me to meet on Thursday, probably because I reported an incident to them. 

I'm taken back to 2005, I don't want to think about right now. I'm avoiding. 

It's 2005. I'm listening to Norah Jones. The past feels so attrative and comforting, perhaps because the things that have transpired are so permanent that they stay the same forever. Even the bad memories. I'm remembering the bad memories. My mind is taken back to Norah Jones. I remember Norah Jones because : i lost my sense of self, I didn't know who I was at university, I was desperately trying to find who I was. I didn't find myself at uni, I saw all the other people at uni found themselves, they found their friends, they found their partners, they found their identities.

I was finding that my old identity was like those trousers I wore, worn out and no longer useful or relevant, but like the front of the trousers, I was desperatelyl trying to hold on to some sense of self, no matter how battered and muddy and wet the trousers got as I walked down the downs. 

It is 2022. I need to get on. 

 ABC Please

A: accumulate positive experiences : I tried fixing my bike on saturday

B: build mastery in activites : getting hands on servicing my bike

C: Cope ahead: I'm trying to plan tasks ahead of time, I'm maybe not so good at this

P: Physical illness prevention. I'm doing rehab at the gym

L : Low vulnerability to diseases : I'm trying to work towards a 200kcal a day deficit

E: Exercise regularly :I did more than 3 days this week, I did 24mi cycling . It's not my 30mi a week goal but ...it's close

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: no alcohol but I had some takeaway and lots of fizzy zero sugar drinks. That's my new drug

S: Sleep healthy: The one thing I am in fact doing very well

E:  eat healthy : Perhaps better thanusual 

 Dear Diary,

It's just almost an hour after midnight. It's Friday. On the day just passed by, Thursday, Her Royal Majesty, Elizabeth II has died. It is an utterly emotional moment for the country. It was exceptionally tense in the country. I work at a news organisation and we had contingency plans set in place. 

When I think of the Queen I think of my godmother who died 10 years ago almost exactly 10 years ago. Aunty wanted to watch Strictly and wanted to see Royal family news when she was in the hospice. It was like the quaint Britishness and institutions that kept her feeling stable. Aunty knew she was doing to die in hours but just watching TV even if she couldn't focus, was her way of holding it together. That's what the Queen meant for me and my immigrant family. We came from turbulent circumstances and worked hard to keep the house warm and food on the table. The Royal Family represented this abstract idea. Now with its greatest monarch gone the idea of royal family is basically a generation or two from extinction. Now we just don't really care anymore. 

There's been a lot of whatsapp chatter today. The cartoonist at work did really really well. I did some due dilignennce if there's an emergency supplement. Today's been overwhelming as heck. The BBC has gone full royal. So has the news organisation I work for for that matter.

 ABC PLease

A: Accumulate positive experience: I'm working on my Encyclopedia and Rehab

B: Build mastery in activities: As well as rehab I'm working on some gym stuff

C: Cope ahead: I've been writing tasks in my diary for actions ahead of time

P: PHysical illness prevention: I'm trying to eat better ... but did I do well today

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: unsure, I'm under a lot of stress

A: Avoid mood altering drugs : my weakness is zero sugar fizxy drinks, I'm having a dodgy tooth today maybe this is affecting me

E: Exercise regularly : Perhaps the one thing I am doing

S: Sleep healthy : I think I'm doing this okay? I slept all afternoon when my blood sugar was down

E: Eat healthy? Not sure Let's see how my weight is by sunday. I'm down between snday and Monday, but that's just a day.

 ABC Please

A: Accumulate positive experiences - I have been trying to go to the gym as a matter of routine

B: Build mastery in activities - I've got a physio programme

C: Cope ahead - my diaryis filling up with tasks

P: Physical illness preventions - I could do better with calories tbh

L: Low vulnerabiblity to disease - I need to be in less stressful situations

E: Exercise regularly - I've planned 3 days a week and I've achieved this. I've also set a goal for 5mi a day cycling which is more ambitious and less realistic

A: Avoid mood altering drugs - hmm---should I write how many takeaways I do in a week?

S: Sleep healthy - i think this is the one thing I do actually achieve

E: Eat healthy - nope. though this lunch (wednesday) I had some sweetcorn