This year's christmas eve was fairly unremarkable. I felt extremely tired all of today. I had a bad insomnia episode yesterday.I went into a bad mental place because I couldn't sleep. Combine that with a lot of very senseless masturbating and I wasn't feeling so great.

I got out of bed finally around 2pm. From that point I was tidying up my room. I did some final christmas shopping. Mainly getting siracha sauce, tabasco and a big beef roast for boxing day. I've bought a really big beef rib to cook. It cost almost half a pony as well.

I've been thinking a bit about what I might call 'magazine reading aspirational thoughts'. Through most of this decade, I've been reading a lot of lifestyle magazines and I've found something deeply aspirational about the way things are marketed and sold to me as a lower-to-middle income man who is now in the 30s age bracket, but I was in the 20s bracket.

Things like watches, beds, tvs, computers, meat, clothes, socks, underpants, USB drives or even data plans are all marketed towards a certain kind of cookie cutter lifestyle. I happen to have a very engaging and busy job these days and I also happen to have a pattern of training very hard.

Last year I was offered some casual work to cover for a woman who worked on a desk that I occaisionally worked on. Then she left, then another woman who worked on a desk linked to the role I took over also was leaving. It turn turned into a full time job (on casual pay). Eventually, I got a contract. What an odd situation it has been What an odd situation it became. What a wonderful development in my life that I ended up finally in a proper job. Not least one that has an impact on the world.

I have to be positive about it, its created a certain lifestyle for me, its created opportunities and not least a bit more money. My health has immproved in some ways and I have had less worries by comparison.

I'm really thankful for that.

I mention the past year because I got an email from 5 years ago from myself, writing on Christmas day. It was my 25 year old self. In a lot of ways there is a large continuity between the person of that time and myself in the present day. He sent me a picture of himself, he had a funny moustache on and he had a blue hoody that I think I got rid of about a year or 18 months ago. I had updated it with something more high tech and mroe personalised to me. I also looked thinner. That's an odd thing to say. I'm probably going to say that a lot.

almost exactly a year ago, I began to work on the news desk of the place i work on now.

I remember the excitement. I felt like my life went up a gear, I really tangibly enjoyed it and felt that my life was about to change.

On the other side of that, I had to knuckle down and focus on getting the actual work done, which was quite taxing. It was a new way of living for me. A year on and the work and routine of it had become less novel.

But something about thinking upon the 1 year anniversary of working here, has given me a second wind.

It's made me reflect how much I've changed and how many things around me have changed.

I believe it's a posive change.

Dear Diary,

I get home from work late.

When I get home I put on the betting interface,

I go through my list of things. I've set up so many lists: christmas watching, films of 2016, films of 2017, music of 2016, music of 2017, planning for 2017, how to plan for 2017, review of 2016, how to use 2016 statistics as an analytical heuristic for 2017.

Then Something stops me just now to make me want to pause. I'm currently watching Mr Robot which makes me feel very emotional.

What makes me pause is this.

In my process of updating my calendar and putting in new dates, new tasks, planning the week. I have discovered that on tuesday 27th, I have set a weekly repeating task. I don't know how long it goes back, but..it makes me sad.

Tomorrow is the last ever badminton session. After that we are no longer playing as the group. It makes me sad. It makes me feel a sense of loss about something that has been a constant in my life.

I'm going to delete that repeating weekly task on google calendar.

There have been a lot of good things that I don't talk about when I focus so much on the bad. Badminton is one of those things.

Dear Diary,

Today I went Christmas shopping.

I got a new wallet. It is tiny. It is basically a leather case that only carries 4 cards. However that seems to be all I need.


I remember back in 2010 or 2011 I lost my wallet and I was anxious about choosing a new one. I decided to get one that carried a medium amount of cards plus had a change purse and a slot for notes.

In today's world, I just need 3 cards (the fourth one because my contactless on my main bank card is dead)

How things change, and yet stay the same.

Today I was in a menswear section of a department store. This was a store that I've liked and I've been there many times.

I saw an old friend there. This wasn't a surprise. This guy used to work at the menswear store, but I thought he worked in a head office as a buyer or some shit.

Anyway we talked for ages. I really needed some smart trousers for the Christmas work do, but talking is fine for an old friend.

When our conversation ended, he said to me that he wasted his 20s working in retail. Which seemed like an odd thing to say. This is a guy who worked his way to head of menswear at a national chain and he apparently has set up his own businesses outside of work. This guy goes to fancy clubs in London (his facebook says) and he is part of a members club. This is a world that I barely have any contact with.

However, it was odd that he would ask me to look for a sales job for him.

Perhaps I had a different view of his life. Or perhaps he likes to sell an idea of himself that I bought that might not actually deliver.

I dont know what to think anymore.

It was really good seeing him, and he's really damn good at his job.

Also I got a sick discount from him, I must have saved £60

Something has been upsetting me lately.

Christmas for people who have a hard time. People who are homeless, people who have their troubles, people whose family or friends have troubles. Those with concerns about money, safety, or their wellbeing at large.

I wish for a better world. I can't believe how corny that sounds.

Hunter told me that christmas is going to be a difficult time for her. I want to invite her to stay with my family over Christmas, but my mum didn't like her when she visited.

It weighs heavy on me if my family don't like Hunter.

I want to make her feel good and I want to do things for her.

dear diary,
I have weekends when I allow myself to do nothing. I have weekends where I just focus on looking at tumblrs, xhamster, and wank my feelings and thoughts away.

It's a problem.

It's changing me and my mind, the way I seek pleasure and the way I seek anything else in life.

That beautiful orgasmic hit clears my mind, it is a control-alt-delete of my soul. All my emotional processing and backed up immediate random feeling memories are just wiped in a single rush.

But it's not real. For a brief blissful moment it is all completely wiped away.

Then it comes back slowly. Then I realise an amount of time has elapsed in my real life. I'm a real person. I have real life goals, I have aspirations, I have a vision of who I want to be.

It's not compatible with that addictive escapist mentality.

I miss mia.

I miss her telling me things. There's someone that I message occasionally who reminds me of her. Let's call her - Hidra.

Hidra is like a crack of light in a dark room or a hint of a dark shadow in a light room. I don't know, but she represents something beautiful and almost ephemeral. That's my idea of her and having a false idea of a real person is better than a real idea of a false persona.

I have little hints of a person. I need to find it.

Today I finished work late. I was busy with a christmas rota at work.

I got home late. I decided to comfort myself with some McDonalds. I eat in larger quantities but it doesn't show on my body as I work out so much. I think that if I ate properly I'd get a warrior's body.

When I got home I showered, ate briefly and then I worked on my to do lists.

As I worked on my to do lists I was watching the show Mr Robot and my head was slowly going into a particular place. There's something inside me. Something I must strive to become. I have forgotten about that side of me. I must strive very hard to be that person or to be a certain kind of person. It gives my life meaning and a sense of meaning, justification and [I pause to find the words]

I seek a sense of justification, a feeling of being worthwhile, of being good enough. The kind of thing that a person who has a six pack could just pull up their shirt and say, yup, here's the thing. Now let's talk about Athenian democracy.. or whatever normal people talk about.

I wonder if my intelligence is an equivalent of an intellectual six pack. I wonder if my perseverence and intensity makes me worthwhile.



I'm obsessing. I'm obsessive. I need to be obsessive - or do I? I don't know. i have a pile of books I haven't read, a list of movies I haven't seen, A bunch of audiobooks that will take decades to go through.

I'm trying so hard so fucking hard.

For what?

My thesis.
That seemed to be the thing that mattered
The thing that would emancipate itself from my feeble mind and become an immortal and present idea.

But that hasn't happened.
I hold on to the hope that it does

As it does, I notice my friends and people from my facebook peer group whom I knew from school, university and elsewhere living their lives.

Having children, getting married. Owning homes

I think I'd like that kind of life.

I like a life where I have a desk and a computer and a nice notebook. I like having a desk at work. I like being the go-to person for a national newspaper.

My sense of self.
New and old
Is crashing into each other
What will remain

That's what my introspection will decide.

I'm not focussing on the past
Except when it distresses me
Which is often
Including in my dreams

I should sleep.

In other news:

• Nice girl on OkC asks me out. I get panic attack and decline
• Trans friend from OkC re-appears and asks to meet up for coffee
• Cute bi guy asks me out - heavily intimation of sex (scared/anxious)

Also

• Anxious about interacting with female colleagues, especially the ones who call me 'love', or 'sexy'. I don't want to be alone with anyone at Christmas party

Hello readers.

So it's december. The cold times.

I almost always write this blog post with the tone of history or sadness.

But I dont know. I'm not really feeling that vibe at the moment.

My panic attacks haven't gone away. But life is moving pretty fast. I'm really involved with stuff at the sentinel. I'm on a contract now, which is great!

I spend a lot of time at the gym or exercising, which has changed my body quite a bit.

My childhood friend has emigrated to Australia/New Zealand for up to 2 years, another friend is going to move to Canada. The badminton group is going to stop at the end of the year.

In a lot of ways there are a lot of transitions for the people around me. I suppose there's a lot of transition or changing in myself too.

I've won £30 in bets this week, can you believe it? I can't. I'm a bit concerned I'll lose my next bet. The saying holds true: you are only as good as your last bet, or your last fight.

I'm worriyng about a lot of things. But I feel like its too boring to even talk about it on here.

Needless to say that I'm really busy with a lot of 'doing' and not much 'thinking' or 'planning' involved.

One thing that I find difficult is that with all the 'doing', my feelings and mindset have not adapted to all the changes going on. I haven't had time to emotionally come to terms with all the things going on. To put it in oversimplified terms. My heart is't catching up with my head.

I want to write more. I should write less about my past memories and how I valorise them, and write about the stuff going on now! Why should I have to wait until I'm 40 to say '10 years ago this happened when I was 30'. I'm 30 now. I should talk about it!

Having said that. My head is going a lot to 2007 around this time of year.

It was Marie's birthay party on 2nd December. I still have the song 'En Vie' in spotify to eternally remind me of my feelings of that time.

I think this blog (and the time in which it was highly relevant) still stands as a monolith of what seems heavy or significant to my life or my sense of self.

But...I believe that can change.

Perhaps I understand what Marie meant when she said: Let go.