Desk day

Today I woke up with radio 4 playing in the background. There was some kind of church of england thing going on. It mixed up with my semi-wake dream state and I ended up dreaming about choirs and sermons. Not necessarily a bad thing for me. I like the quaint englishness.

I woke up feeling very different to how I usually wake up.

I was tired, yes. I was feeling very sore, especially on my lower back, yes. One thing was different.

I wanted to get out of bed, on a sunday morning. I wanted to face the day and do stuff that I'm really behind on.

Something has gone into me that has become a motivator.

I could tell you the reasons, but the thing is. I am acting on reasons. I think the accidie has left most of my body. Mostly.

Until today I found that my desk has been tampered with and the ordering of my objects have been messed around. I got angry, then I have been trying to let it go.

Then this morning I heard a neighbour distantly complaining that another neighbour was making noise with power tools. There was a conflict of cultures, conflict of 'new' residents and the old...

Dear Diary,

Next month there's a family wedding. Everyone's excited about it.

On my mind, I'm thinking more about work and life.  In particular, life and death.

I believe (don't ask me how as it sound paranoid or supernatural), that I know certain details about my death. I know that I'll eventually be alone one christmas and I know that eventually I'll hear less and less from everyone around me. Eventually I'll be alone.

I had an episode today. Something shook me to the core of my being. DO you know those things whihc are so upsetting that you can't even acknowledge it and you just build it up as a thing in your head? Yeah its one of those.

I wish I could tell you all of the things that have been happening in my life lately. No, I haven't bought a house yet and no I haven't gotten engaged or married or had a kid.

I used to say that I worked part time, casual or 'full time ish'. Those things are still true, but I'm more on the full time -ish end of things. I'm also more on the 'could be a problem for the unions' side of things too. I'm possibly working too much.

I was emailed about march shifts for that sort-of subediting job that I do for 1-2 days a week. This month and last month I had a couple of 2-dayers. Over March I will have some 3-dayers, I might even have a 4-ey day. I'll be doing a sunday shift, which means - higher rate!

I've also been slightly more lucky with betting lately. But as it goes - you are only as good as your last bet.

This week was a '10 years on' thing about that Stephen Fry documentary on depression.

That documentary had a big impact on my life. It helped me come to terms with my demons. One of the insights from that documentary was that people don't get better by magic or drugs. The drugs help, and people live with the condition. I guess its comparable with cancer. People live with cancer, people manage it and people deal with life while having cancer. Of course I'm not saying its comparable in some moral or value judgement way. I just mean, when people are ill or unwell or distressed. They also have to live. Life happens before death.

dear diary,

I'm going through a panic episode at work.

I've got to deal with some extra shifts I've been offered (which is good). But I also have some problems in my real life that I have to deal with.

Next month I have to go to a stag do and a family wedding, and to be honest it's not really weighing particularly high on my mind.

I'm worried about lots of other things. Things of my own creation. Demons of my own creation. The worst thing about me is me. Despite all the things I do that are good, it only takes one stain to blot it away and that's all it takes. For that reason I am heavily attracted to the Christian (particularly Catholic) notion of mortal sin and the hope of salvation. I'm deeply concerned about salvation lately.

It's no coincidence that I've been reading a lot about Catholicism and watching lots of videos which are generally religious but many of them about catholic theology.

My heart is hurting in more than just the figurative way.

Also, it's lunch time and I need to eat.

Eating has become a chore to me lately. It's also become a demon. Food is a demon lately. I dont know who I am lately. I've not taken the time to stop and notice, or care about things like that. I'm too busy living. I guess that's a good thing. Not something to complain about. I'm constantly worried about unemployment or losing my life. It's causing my panic.

I had a dream last night/this morning.

It was more like two.

One was about when I was back at university. I never forgave myself for not going to the union bar on the first day of fresher's, the Sunday before the proper first week.

I felt tired, low, overwhelmed... I don't know. It just didn't feel right. I felt that I never got over or never experienced whatever it was that everyone else did.

I can rationalise now that it's a stupid conclusion and all the years have passed and they were all mostly vapid 18 year olds trying to find their clique. But deep down in my dream thoughts, I keep revisiting it and it feels like a sore muscle or a chest pain. That same chest pain that remerges in later parts of my life. My dream mixed elements of memories from later years. The impersonal nature of grad school. My parents driving over from home to visit or pick up my shit.

Another dream presence emerged.

Her. Again.

I'm embarrassed. A girl. I'm now the age where its patronising to call anyone female and of similar age 'a girl' ( they are either a woman or simply 'they'). Marie still haunts my mind.

I don't know why. She seems more an idea than a real person. Marie is like the fundamental unravelling of me and what I am. I sometimes imagine her talking to me, like mia did.

The dreams of this weekend have unsettled me and made me feel very vulnerable. I've been trying really hard lately to keep my shit together and I've been doing alright for the past 6-7 weeks.